I had a short affair that involved sexual contact. Now that my husband knows about my affair and we are trying to make things work out between us, we are having sex very frequently. Every time I reach an orgasm with my husband I cry, usually very intensely. It bothers me that I am not sure why I cry. I am inclined to think that all the tension and emotional rollercoaster that I am going through is causing the crying when I reach the orgasm. I am able to get all those emotions out.

When I start crying, I feel that I truly deeply love my husband and it brings me happiness to be able to have this moment where we can unite and feel lots of love for each other. But then, the happy tears become something else and I get really sad/depressed. That is what drives me crazy. Is it the guilt, the regret, the humiliation, etc? What else could it be?

Before this, I remember that the first couple of times that I had sex with my husband when we were dating, I sometimes cried. At that time, I felt that it was because of the intense emotions of the orgasm and a little bit of guilt because of the way I was raised where sex before marriage was not supposed to happen. Also, I cried a couple of times after we got married when my husband was not able to fulfill me sexually.

If anyone has experienced a similar experience during sex after having an affair, I would appreciate to know your thoughts.

Honey....I think it's all of those. I was the BS....but I cried too for a while. I think it's the FLOOD of emotions that is just overwhelming....good feelings/bad feelings guilt/shame/appreciation/fear/loss/gain/regret/thankfulness....like an emotional assault. It won't stay like that....well...it didn't for me. You will find a balance.

The crying has become worst than ever. At the beginning I was only crying when reaching an orgasm, but now I am crying at any moment during the sexual experience with my H. It is such a turn off because it ruins the moment and we can't really continue doing it because it gets really awkward for both.

The crying is very intense and I feel horrible about it. I am not sure how to deal with this. Last night I was just feeling as if I was a rape victim. Knowing that some other man had my body in such an intimate way is such a bad feeling. I don't want to be thinking about this when I am with my H, but I can't help the feelings of guilt, regret, humiliation, and just thinking that another guy had me. I am wondering if I will be having this trauma with sex forever. Is this normal or should I get any professional help with this issue?

You may want to seek professional help. I wonder, does the way you feel also have anything to do with your H's anger? Maybe you are wondering what he is thinking during sex, and how he might think you are comparing things to OM?

Just a thought. But, you should seek some counseling first and foremost.

Yes, I think that my H's anger and the fact that he has told me that I am a w-h-o-r-e and that he hates me influence me when we are intimate. On the other hand he says he loves me more than anything in this world, and I guess that during intimacy, all these feelings get mixed up.

Also, I know that he is thinking about the OM, wondering if I am thinking about him, wondering if I am comparing him with the OM, and just imagining the OM being intimate with me. I don't want to think about the OM while with my H, but it is kind of inevitable because I know he is thinking about all that stuff.

When males have problem with erection the advice is to remove the pressure from the SF moments. To lay in each others arms and feel the closeness without any pressure to go further and do the intercourse.

I suggest a similar cure: Agree for the next five or ten evenings/ mornings to lay in each others arms, with no clothes on, and no intension of going further than that. Talk and share your what you think and feel. Perhaps you can give each other massage, but stop short of a mutual mastrubation. It should be agreed upon that under no circumstance you should go further than that. Build intimacy and thrust with no pressure to perform. Create a safe environment to rebuild the emotional trust.

Good luck

{{{{HG}}}} As a FWW, I understand where you are coming from completely. The feelings do get all mixed up. I have seen how angry your H is in his posts (not saying anger isn't justified, just some BS's are more vocal in their anger). It can make it hard to be intimate when your self esteem is so low. Your H's self esteem is low right now too, so you guys are kind of trying to prop each other up, and it's hard.

It takes time, if you guys are willing to work it out for the long haul, it can get better. Keep in mind you are very new in your recovery, and you will have your bad/good days.

THIS is why affairs are soooooooooo

wrong

the consequences are mighty

and the consequences are going to catch up with anyone who betrays themselves & their integrity

you are living the life you have created

if you don't like it much (who would?)

then begin living your life in ways that will bring the desired results (eventually)

patience and self-respect are in order

are you familiar with the concept of

self-soothing ???

Look it up ... it's a life skill you can teach yourself and keep in your marriage-survival toolbox!

Pep

PS ... Frank's advice is simply elegant!

Maybe a stint of abstenance might be a good choice. Collectively, you and your husband agree to abstain, just fora time, maybe 30-60 days. Give your emotions a chance to stabilize. I imagine you are on a rough ride. So is he. Try to agree on a course of action.

Abstinence...hmmm...I am not sure my H would agree to that. He is into having sex more than ever, although he has been comprehensive about my crying. However, he even wants to be with me a couple of times a day. I though it would have been the other way around because he has expressed sex is not the same anymore and he has all these bad feelings when he is with me in an intimate way. Who knows...