Hey all! Love MB and have posted in just found out about my sitch. My question for today is, how do I deal with the "pressure", which I understand is support and care, to put an end to Plan A and bascially move to Plan B?
My best friend and mother both think that I'm being too forgiving and lenient and should tell him that it's NC now or his family is gone. What they say makes so much sense and it's hard to stay strong and in Plan A when they're saying all the things that seem to make sense for those without MB. I've done some exposure, certainly not as much as I should I guess. They continue to tell me out of concern that he's using me, taking advantage of me, and is a huge cake eater. All things I know but .....
So I've been considering Plan B, not only because of what they say, but becuase I can't take much more of his seeing her. It's only been 20 days since d day and I fear that maybe I'm moving too fast.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

You just need to realize that these people do care for you, but have not been exposed to the MB program. If you are like me, I'm sure before you read here, you would have given the same advice - kick the bum out.

I do hope that you can stand 2 more months of Plan A. That would be the best thing. After that you can think about Plan B.

Is your husband back home?

I started reading your posts, but I confess I have a very hard time reading without paragraphs <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The key to plan A is love. By this I mean how you feel for him. If you find that you cannot avoid love busters, if you feel your love for him slipping then you begin to evaluate the situation to see if there have been some changes. If you find none, the perhaps it is time for plan B. But, it is definitely time for plan B if you cannot avoid love busters after avoiding them for awhile in plan A.

this is a process and it takes time. Often 6 months is given as the nominal time for plan A. It really varies consicerably. I would recommend picking a date for you to plan A to and THEN reevaluate where things are. Make it a month or two more from now.

Plan A often does NOT end the A but it plants seeds of hope within the WS which often germinate some time later. So keep planting and nuturing the seeds AND set a date for reevaluation.

This stuff is counter intuitive until you understand the nature and main causes of affairs, then it makes lots of sense. Please read the articles here and obtain a few of Harley's books or read them while sipping coffee at Barns and NOble or some such place. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there this is tough stuff but you can do it.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks all! I do apologize for lack of paragraphs. I tend to be long winded at times and forget to take a breath. I've had a date in my mind, in essecence, for when OW moves to start new job 90 miles away. That's at the latest the middle of Sept since where she will be teaching college starts, according to WS, on the 19th.
WS is at home. He's only been away for a total of 4 days over two times. Hoping to keep it that way b/c when he's gone I get angry and talking takes a day or two.
I have three of Harley's books, SAA, HNHN and Falling in Love, Staying in Love. I have been devouring them and articles and posts from this site.

Thanks again for any advice and support. This is the best place to get it for the approach we know.

Another thought after my last post and reading some more.

How in the world do people stick it out for 6 months? I feel like three weeks has been soooooo hard, that the thought of another month or two seems almost sadistic much less another 5 months. I think my support base can understand me sticking to this for a month or so, but much longer, it just gets so hard to justify to them much less myself.

Aren't I just letting him continue to use me? How will I know for certain about NC? He already is circumventing my ability to check his cell. If no bill in mail be Aug. 1 I'm asking for password to check on-line again. Changed it for my access and how I discovered A, but then he changed his security question to something I don't know saying he was checking to see if he had the best plan. Only had cell for 3 months.

He's sort of been honest to tell me when he's talked with her and when he plans to meet with her to discuss their past and how it has affected him. But each time gets so much harder. He says there has only been one hug good-bye since I found out. The A only went as far physically as kissing, so he has repeatedly said.

How do you do it and remain sane, work, take care of your kids, and stay a good wife to make Plan A work?

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Because they choose to. They hunker down and just do it.


In a way, yes.

This doesn't mean you don't let him know that you and the family are being hurt. This doen't mean you don't state your disapproval.

Try this line of reasoning with your supporters who advocate kicking him out:

Them: KICK HIS A$$ OUT!!

You: So you think I should divorce him?

Them: (YES! or NO!)

You: (if they said YES!) Most affairs are resolved and families stay together. Shouldn't I try for this first? Don't our children deserve this?

You: (if they say NO!) If I shouldn't divorce him, why kick him out? That doesn't make sense. How can we work on our marriage separated?

Suggest you print out the first post in the "Guidelines" link below and give it to your "supporters."

Also, get hot on exposure. Read the other link below to understand more about this.

Dr Harley recommends women not staying in plan A for longer than 3 months.

Thanks for the paragrpahs <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Turns out that the 3 months won't be coming. After 3 weeks he left today. Despite agreeing with everything I say as true and right, he can't stop thinking he can't give up the relationship with OW. So he's left. He thinks it might help him see the true loss he's not feeling now because of my letting him stay.

Is this still Plan A type action or is it now Plan B? I guess I need some guidance on whether I should have any contact with him at this point. I think we're still in a Plan A scenario but really unsure.

Help?!

angie - did you get a chance to identify all your shortcomings in the marriage, fix them, and demonstrate your fixes to him?

In that you were in Plan A a pretty short time, maybe not.

IMHO, demonstrating your fixes - to the extent he'll let you - is desirable before going to Plan B. Otherwise, he won't have a full appreciation of what he's missing. Now that he's out, this becomes harder, but not impossible.

I suggest you continue Plan A a bit longer to demonstrate to him that you're not vengeful. A vengeful response to him leaving would look just like going to Plan B right away - a tit for tat. He leaves so you give him the silent treatment. That said, I've recommended to other BSs to immediately go to Plan B when the WS leaves of their own accord. In these cases, the BS has had ample opportunity to Plan A and demonstrate their fixes.

Where did he go? How likely is it he'll be back tomorrow - is he typically impulsive? (Of course, being a WS is impulsive! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> )

Did you two make any arrangements for a "permanent" or long term separation? Did you talk about paying bills, etc.?

At the first opportunity, invite him over for dinner. Lay on your charm. No begging or pleading, just confident behavior that you're the better choice.

WAT

Hey I am new to the site and have been reading for months. I have been through a recovery for the past couple of years and the advice that I give is follow your heart and your gut feeling regarding your spouse. You have been living with them for years and you truly know what their character is truly like. Be aware that some people do think only of themselves and take advantage of others. Some women fall into the I'll live with him despite all of his weaknesses. That is just not healthy. But be aware that some people frankly do not seem to have any feelings of remorse for their actions and will act in a blatent fashion for their selfish needs.

Sometimes it takes a long time for people to come out of the fog. It is wise to step back and get a hold of your emotions before you make rash moves in your life. Especially if you have children involved in the picture.

Seek counseling from professionals who can give you objective opinions about your situation.

Sometimes getting advice from family and friends can be detrimental. They often can not see the entire picture because they are partial to one person. It takes 2 to make a relationship work. You need to set boundaries and rules for your relationship to work. They must be followed for your relationship to survive.


NC has to be NC. People just can not handle the temptation of another relationship. We are programmed to be attracted to the opposite sex, but alot of that is hormonal and not from our heads.

Hope this gave you some food for thought. Be strong, be tenacious and above all believe in yourself. You have no control over another person's actions, but you do have control over you. You are as they say the pilot of your own ship.

Often women find in difficult times strength they never new they had to overcome many trials and obstacles in life.

Get a strong support group around you and prepare yourself for a good recovery, or for separation. You know that you can survive either if you prepare. Just steady yourself and then make those important moves and decisions.

Thanks for the input and honesty in your thoughts. I really do appreciate the different points of view I get here from people who have gone through similar things and aren't personally involved. I know those close to me are trying to watch out for my best interests and feelings, their hearts are in the right place.

There's no doubt in my mind or my WH that he knows how I feel and what I'm willing to do to put our M back in rights. Since d day we have spent 2-3 hours 5 out of 7 days/nights talking about what got us to this point, why it happened, what needs to be done to work on things, etc. He sincerely knows that all I say in complete calm and caring is true, but still can't escape the addiction of the OW. It's a long time addiction. Even though she has made very little effort, it's always been him in pursuit, but don't think for a second that I find her blameless. She's known by many for her manipulative mind games with men.

ALthough we didn't have a discussion about finances and such, I know that that will continue as it has been. I've always been in charge of the bills and money anyway. All money is direct deposited anyway and everything is computerized.

He's not at all impulsive, generally. Obviously A shows a different side of that. He's at his sister's, confirmed unless she too is playing me. I'm 95% certain that he will commit to NC, but just needs to convince himself that he can. He said that if he were to tell me he would it would be a lie, because he's certain at some time he would contact OW. I told him that unless he tries and commits he'll never know.

The reason he left had a lot to do with his not following through on agreed items of honesty. The final straw was not giving the password for checking his cellphone and that he was hiding it from me. He thinks there must be something wrong with him, and he'd dug a big hole for himself. I told him to climb out before he gets buried.

The one thing that has completely baffled and bewildered him through this all, and myself too, is that I have been so calm, forgiving, willing to accept him in my life still, and the patience I've shown. Whenever we've had problems or fights in the past I've tended to take things too personally, cry and shut down. Not productive at all. This time I am the complete opposite.

As you say Seashells, tough times bring out a strength that we don't often know we have. I've said as much to him, that tough times bring out the best in people and that I know that we're worth it and this doesn't have to be the end.

I know God has led me to all the discoveries that have occurred throughout this ordeal, both positive and negative. I've done all I can and will continue to do so God and WH willing.

So, since his leaving on Saturday eve, we've only spoken through emails while he's at work. Nothing wonderful, but still that the bottom line is that despite everything he feels for me and his family, he has to find some kind of resolution about his relationship with her, knowing that to end it will hurt him and her deeply, (blah blah blah).

He hasn't seen or called the kids which ticks me off tremendously. The last line of his first email today asked about having dinner with me and the kids. I suggested Thursday because the boys would be with his father for a visit and he said he'd still come tonight and see me and the baby even if the boys didn't get back in time. So he did.

Rather awkward and such but I didn't do any LBing. We didn't really talk anything about us except that he wants to come again on Thursday and wants us to go as a family to the Air Force museum next week when he's on vacation. He's on vacation b/c his brother is getting married on the weekend and he and the boys are in the weddiung and there are lots of family coming in from out of state.

I had gotten to the point where I thought I would only go to the bridal shower and wedding and that would be all. We're supposed to stay at the hotel where the wedding is at at an amusement park for two days. He still wants us to all stay there together and for me to go to everything. I said I'd need to think about it and we could discuss it more, but I don't want there to be any tension for the bride and groom. I know, I'm not the one that caused it, but ....

I can't help but figure that while he's out of the house he's seeing her and talking to her more than ever. I didn't ask, and at this point mostly don't want to know. More and more of my family and friends now know and are SO supportive. I've even been given the name of a GREAT lawyer if it gets to that.

I told his dad what was going on today and was surprised to hear he already knew from the sister that WS is currently living with. Also surprised and appreciative of full support and encouragement. WH's dad is not happy at all but hasn't said anything to his son because WH didn't say anything to him and afterall he is 37 yrs. old. So, support but no pressure. He may eventually say something to him, who knows. Next victim to find out, his uncle that was like a father to him growing up. One person that I think garners the most respect from WH in his life. Plan on telling him through wonderful girlfriend when I see her at the bridal shower next week, if she/they don't already know.