My wife's been having what I would call an email relationship with an ex-lover for over 3 years. I found out about it by accidently reading her yahoo email when she left it open on her computer.

This was a guy that she had apparently had an affair with while she was married to her prior husband. They were separated several times, so it was probably during one of these separation periods as opposed to when she was actually with her prior husband.

He had apparently moved back here and had heard that she was divorced. He sent her an email asking if they could get together. She responded that she was happily married, but that perhaps they could be friends. He agreed and asked her to lunch. She responded that she'd rather go out for drinks but that it needed to be in a 'dark bar where nobody would recognize her'.

I was suspicious of that. If they were just going to be friends why hide it from me and why sneak around to a 'dark bar'.

I immediatly put spy software on her computer and I've been spying on her ever since. They set up two drink dates -- the first one he cancelled out on and the second one I foiled by asking her to go to an afternoon movie. We worked in the same office and when she was scheduled for the first date she came in dressed like she was going out on a hot date and planned to get laid afterwards. She was even wearing much more perfume than normal.

They had trouble finding a mutually agreeable time to get together, so my wife said "I'll just send you pictures, that way we don't have to meet'. She sent him several semi-nude photos. Since then the emails have been just innocent enough that I haven't felt like I had enough evidence to confront her. They reminenced about how she handcuffed him to a bed and didn't have the keys. She told him that she couldn't have drinks with him because she could easily become his lover again.

He told her that if she was ever single again he wanted to be first in line.

This has been going on for over three years. On May 24 he sent her an email with the subject 'Here's my new profile on lovehappens.com'. On June 12th she went to a weight doctor and started on a strict diet. Somewhere during this time she became exremely unhappy with me and told me that she wasn't happy in the marriage and that there was nothing I could do to change it.

That was fine with me. We had our house up for sale and I was hoping she'd decide to divorce me when it sold.

She stuck to the diet for 3 weeks, then all of a sudden she dropped the diet and she was very happy again. I had wondered why she hadn't received any emails from Jim (ex-lover) since May 24th, and last weekend I found out. She must have suspected that I was spying on her, because she set up a new yahoo email and was communicating with her through the new email address. Saturday night she slipped up and opened her new email on the computer with the spy software, so I was able to read those messages.

The emails have been relatively innocent. He keeps asking her out for drinks or lunch and she keeps putting him off. I'm relatively sure she hasn't seen him in this 3 year period. One thing that I noticed is that she apparently found out that he's married. I don't know whether she knew that before or not.

Now she's completely happy, has told me numerous times that she loves me more than anything and that I'm the best husband in the world. One reason she claimed that she was unhappy before was because she didn't like our house. Now we've sold it, so maybe that's the reason that she's happy.

I suspect the worst. I think she became unhappy with me when she got his email pointing her toward his profile on lovehappens.com, that she thought she needed to lose weight before she met him, then she found out he was married and now I'm her only option again. Am I being unfair? Should I give her the benefit of the doubt and decide that she's changed her mind and that she really does love me a lot?

If she suspected that I was spying on her and it was just an innocent friendship wouldn't she have just casually broutht up the fact that she had been writing to him?

I need to point out that I make a lot more money than she does, and that many people have told me that she married me for financial security.

I know that I should talk to her about this, but I know that I won't believe what she says when I do and if I suspect that she's lying to me I'll be even more unhappy.

Am I overreacting? Or have I been underreacing for the last three years?

I think that most guys in your situation would have asked a couple of buddies to go talk with the other guy. Break his fingers or arms so that he would not be tempted to type any more messages to your wife.

As far as your W goes, you need to decide if you want to save your marriage or not. Either way, you've got to level with her, and have her promise you never to have any contact with the other guy. If she does not, then you'll know that her friendship with him, whether it is romantic or not, is more important then your marriage. You'd have to go see a divorce lawyer.

What kind of spyware do you put on and is it detectable by anti spy ware? my wife just had her nephew come over and put some stuff on. I don't want her to find out if I put any spyware on. I just what to know what is going on.