Feel so stupid <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I just discovered my wife of 16 years has been having a affair again. This is the third time I have caught her in a affair in 16 years. We met young, she was 18 and I was 24. We had a baby girl after 2 years and married.
She had her first round of affairs (2 guys that I know of from the gym we worked out at) when our daughter was 2. I was devastated and filed for divorce. She told me she didn't want our daughter with her, so I took her as well. After about 6 months apart when I had started to move on and try dating some other woman, she came back into my life and wanted to work things out. She did all the right things and made me feel like a king. I was still in love with her so I took her back and justified her affairs to myself by thinking "we wee married young and had a family early, so of course she had a affair" never thinking to myself, well then how come I was loyal and devoted, lol.
So, 8 years pass. The more time that passes since the reconciliation the more inattentive and chilly towards me she is. I have always been madly in love and attracted to my wife. I thought maybe I was doing something wrong, that if I just tried a little harder or loved her a little more or did more things for her, she would love me and become attracted more to me over time. It seems the opposite was the case. She became indifferent to me and the needs of our marriage. We had another child and on paper, we had the perfect life. She didn't work, I made lots of money, etc.
Toward the end of the eight years, she started getting in shape, wearing revealing outfits to the gym etc, and picking fights with me constantly. I was very confused and didn't know what to do. I had seen all of this before and was in denial I guess and didn't want to believe she was capable of doing this again to me and our family. Then tragedy struck. Our some managed to slip out of our back door and drowned in our pool at 18 months old. We were both devastated. I had a real hard time with it and blamed myself and my wife for the accident. Our marriage completely broke down then. I asked her to go to counseling with she agreed to.
That didn't last long. She would yell and scream that the therapist was against her and on my side and that she couldn't tell her anything about what she was feeling. You get the idea.
Well, after another year of limping along after our sons death, she sit's me down and gives me the "I love you, but have never been in love with you" speech. She asked for a divorce and said there was no one else involved. I still loved her, so I believed her in spite of my gut telling me different. I agreed to get a divorce and moved into the guest room.
Two weeks later she asked me if I would be ok with her dating while we were still in the same house together! I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I said no, that I still loved her and the divorce was hard enough on me without adding this to the equation. She agreed and we eventually sold the house, signed divorce papers and separated.
Separated, I tried to put everything behind me and maintain a good relationship with my soon to be ex-wife. We even moved into the same apartment complex so our daughter would have a easy time going back and forth between us. One day, she needed to use my car so we switched vehicles for the day. In her car, she had left her journal which she had started writing in after our son died. I know I shouldn't have, but I read it. Inside I found out about multiple men she was having affairs with in the last year and a half of our marriage before and after our son died. Once again, men she had met at the gym. I was of course devastated AGAIN. I confronted her on the info, the usual anger, denial, I never loved you, etc.
So once again, I go through the grief, betrayal, loneliness, crushed self esteemed, etc. I start to pull out of it about 6 months after reading the journal, even start dating, although nothing serious. Just testing the waters. Then lo and behold as sure as the setting sun, guess who's back? My ex is calling me telling me how much she misses me and loves me and what a bad mistake she has mad. Still being in love with her, I agree to see her.
She, once again, is everything I want her to be. Fun, beautiful, warm, attentive, passionate, sexual, everything! Once again, I was swept off my feet and fell hard all over again for her. I made justifications for her past behavior to myself again. We had our son die after all, that was just her way of dealing with it, I told myself. She would positively never do this to me again, she learned her lesson and we will be the stronger for it I thought.
So we get back together again for a third time.
All is great in the beginning, we call off the second divorce and move back in together. I am happy, she seems to get happy and our daughter is happy. This goes on for about a year or 2 then all of the sudden, something changes in her. She starts drifting away emotionally again and becoming cold, mean and sexually disinterested. Immediately I see the signs this time and go into overdrive trying to make her happy. Which is a real feat, because I have always been so in love with her that I lavished her with attention, love and anything she ever wanted or needed. Maybe that was a mistake? I don't know. I always thought that love was unconditional and that you gave 100% of yourself selflessly and that's just the way it was suppose to be.
Then came 6 months ago. She sits me down and gives me a "I love you, but have never been romantically in love with you and never will be" speech. She said that's the way it was and that it would never change, and that if I was ok with that, we could stay together and work it our, but she didn't see why I would want to. I was, of course, very hurt. She said there was no one else, I believed her. I told her I loved her and that I couldn't leave. I wanted to make it work. She was upset with me. I think she just wanted me to be the bad guy for once and end it.
Shortly after the talk, she got on birth control (we had been trying for another child) and started getting in shape and looking great wherever she went. I was suspicious, but she assured me she would never hurt me like that again, what a [censored] I was.
So last week, I knew something was going on, but wanted to know more and have proof before damaging our relationship anymore by making accusations that were unfounded. I really wanted to believe her. So I stuck a voice activated recorded in her truck hoping to find out what she was up to. I thought at the worst, she was having a inappropriate emotional affair. After the second time putting the recorder in the car, I heard something that has really messed me up bad. On the tape, was my wife, having wild passionate sex with another man in the back of the truck I bought her for Valentines day after we got back together the last time. It sounded like a porno with all of the moaning and groaning. I have been with my wife 16 years and had never heard her carryon like that. It was devastating to say the least.
I confronted her immediately, she denied it and said he was just a friend, then I pulled out the tape recorder and she went white. Tears, apologies, yelling at me for spying on her, etc. I told her the marriage was over this time for good. This was just unforgivable and no amount of rationalization could excuse what she did this time. She said she was sorry, she never meant to hurt me, but she really liked this guy and couldn't help herself.
I found out who it was. She is 33, he is a 54 year old man who is married to his wife of 19 years and they own a business together. I contacted her and calmly told her about the affair. She was devastated, of course. He called my wife the next day and told her his wife had beat the crap out of him, thrown him out, removed him from his job and was going to divorce him. I felt he got what he deserved. I know that's not right, but that's how I felt.
Now me and my wife are forced to live together while our house sells. Probably a good 3 months together still. She is very repentant and says she wishes she would have just ended it before the affair so we could have left on good terms. We are trying to get along while together and try and salvage ANY cordial relationship for our 13 year old daughters sake.
It's so hard. Even though she has done it to me over and over, I still lover her. Why is that? I just don't understand it. I see her crying, and when I ask her whets she crying over, she won't tell me. I keep asking and she finally tells me it's over him! Not the 16 year relationship with a 13 year old daughter she has destroyed. She is crying over the loss of her lover of only a couple of months!?!?
She told me she saw him yesterday out and about. When he saw her, he ran like a bat out of ****** in his car and disappeared. She said she noticed he had his wedding ring still on. I asked what she had hoped would happen? She said she wished he had stopped and talked to her. She still wants to see him.
Sorry for the long rant, I am just feeling so stupid and confused and hurt. I feel like my life is over and that I have been a fool for so long. The thing that really hurts, is this time I know it's over for good, but I still love my wife <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I hope that feeling will go away someday. It's just so incredibly painful now. I keep hearing that tape over and over again in my head.
