I posted this elsewhere, but after reading some of the posts here, think it might be more appropriate here as my husband complains we are in a sexless marriage. I'd be especially interested in the male point of view to determine if my feelings are valid or not, and how this compares to other sexless marriages. Thanks.

My post-
I've been with my husband since I was 19 [married 13 years]. He is 4 years older. We have 4 kids. As far as I can remember we have always had issues, but when we first got together, I ignored/denied them, mostly because of my age and inexperience [you could have counted my boyfriends on one hand at that point!]. From my earliest memories, he has always pressured me about sex--I was not wearing sexy clothes, not willing to spend the night, not adventurous enough, etc. I agreed because this was in fact true--I did not wear sexy clothes, would not spend the night [or live together before marriage] was not sexually adventurous enough. I had always felt insecure about my sexuality, and assumed that was the only thing guys wanted from me. Much later [after we got married] I found out that he consistently cheated on me during our courtship-mostly during rough patches- though I do not know the true extent.

He also showed signs of verbal abuse, though I broke things off when it got bad; he would repent and we would get back together. We got married after our last break-up, and by the end of the next year was pregnant with our first child.

After 4 children, verbal abuse is a constant in our household--as well as his ever present sexual demands/complaints--I do not dress sexy enough, am not adventurous enough, do not ask him for sex [note: we have sex/sexual activity twice a week on average]. Admittedly, most of the time I do not want to have sex, but do so to ensure peace in the household. Most of the time I walk on eggshells--anything I say, intentional or not, can somehow be interpreted by him 'the wrong way' and a fight ensues. I have learned to be calm, not take verbal bait, not raise my voice, and not let arguments get offtrack. He is a master of the putdown, the raised voice, the circular arguments. Others have seen/heard his verbal abuse to me, and commented to him, though this is limited to a few people. Mostly, around other people he tends to be respectful.

Oh yeah, he has been unfaithful since we wed, though by his account not in recent years. Again, I do not know the true extent of what he says and cannot be sure. He has a tendency to not tell me where he is going, associate with other women friends', and/or dismiss my concerns. When I tell him that dinners/movies with other women is simply not appropriate behavior, he dismisses my comments and gets angry with me.

He has recently become so angry at me--at my 'lack of intimacy' he calls it--that he left the house and moved in to a hotel. He has told me hwe wants a wife who acts like a girlfirend, is sexually open, etc. I have told him that is impossible given the amount of verbal abuse and disrespect he shows me on a near daily basis. I have also told him that given his track record or lies and untruths, he has lost his credibility with me.

To his credit, he has correctly perceived that I have lost respect for him and try not to deal with him. I don't ask him for help around the house [I also work outside of the house], nor do I nag/complain about anything. I have learned this just starts nasty arguments and ruin the mood of the house for everyone. [apparently I am in a withdrawl state].

Male 25 years old, married 5 years...

He is going over the top if you ask me. Cheating and verbal abuse.. No wonder you don't want to have sex with him. For one I would be afraid of STD's if he is cheating!

You say you have sex 2-3 time a week? WTF... whats he so mad about? My wife and I have sex maybe once every 3-4 months. But that is another problem all together.

I do understand the feeling of a wife not being sexual enough. Not wearing sexy stuff to bed and not being open to new stuff. The sex life is just as important to a guy as any other aspect of the marrage. And lack of sex, and lack of trying to be sexual can lead many men to a bitter and very depressing life.

BUT I would never let it make me cheat on my wife or be verbally abusive to her. Even though I often fanstasize about being with different women, I would never do it.

BUT, in your case you have a right to not want to do these things, my wife on the other hand.. is just being lazy/selfish.

Cheers.

Sex 2-3 times a week is not a sexless marriage. At all. I think what he has problems with is the fact you do not want sex with him. Do not initiate, and probably do not enjoy it.

I have the same problem in my marriage. We are lucky to have sex once every 2 weeks. And unfortunately it usually requires persistence, and nagging on my behalf to achieve this. When I let it slide, we had not had sex in 4 months, and she was no closer to initiating it.

She says she does not want sex, as she feels no intamacy with me. And for a woman that is the most important part. I can understand this, and feel some empathy. She says its no more then masterbation.

But from my perspective, sex is a vital part of a marriage. I try to create intamacy with her. But things are just so Fuked up between us, its a very hard situation to develop. Also, this sex issue has been ongoing since the birth of our child. This is an obscene amount of time for anyone who is trying to feel sexually desired by there spouce to be constantly rejected. Its demoralizing, unsettling, and creates more "lack of intamacy" on the male perspective, to return to the wife with other aspects like communication, and friendship. Its a vicious cycle.

I think if sex is a serious priority for a man, and the wife is trying to help repair intamacy with him. She should seriously attempt to accomidate his needs, and allow him to feel satisified, and create a more intamate love. However, if she reciprocates, and his behavour of verbal abuse, and other negative love busters continue for an extended period, your only prostituting yourself to avoid confrontation.

I agree with Canadian_Misfit. I am in the SAME boat.

My wife blames her lack of sexuality on my lack of intamacy. BUT I can remmember plenty of times when I was full of intamacy. I would bring her flowers, buy her candy, tell her sweet nothings.. blablabla.. BUT she still would not ever initate anything. And cannot keep track of the ammount of times I have been rejected... After awhile this leads to me not.. being intamate.. then she says thats the whole reason we don't have sex very much... !!!!!!!!

NOTE for ladies: Never initiating sex/oral is just as bad as not even doing it! Example: How would you ladies like if your husband never said he loved you.. unless you said it first? Sameeee thing.

I feel like I have atleast tried to do what makes her happy, and she has not met me half way.

Please consider expending your energy on an assumption:

"I feel like I have atleast tried to do what makes her happy, and she has not met me half way."

What makes her happy changes...talking eye to eye, listening and repeating...hearing her IS intimacy...sharing YOURSELF...your thoughts, feelings and beliefs is INTIMACY.

Being open and honest with who you are, and accepting of who she is, is intimacy.

Doesn't sex represent that very thing? Have to open, accept and connect.

LA

Hi I have the opposite problem then you my husband and I have been married 2 years and he does not want to have sex with me he dident even want me on our wedding night, when I ask him he gets a attitude and turns me down cold,I dress very sexy in the home, and wear very nice lingerie to bed I have tryed loseing weight thinking well he is not attracted to me because I am a little chunky 5'4 150poundish, but nothing seems to work with my husband, and he cheats on me with his exwife, bottom line sweety I think he is putting the blame on you when he is the one who needs help, if a man wants to work things out with his wife(bedroom life) I am sure he knows how to make a women feel a little more wanted , its so sad but its true if he treats you like that he will treat other women the same eventually.I dont know if you are a Christian?,
but God is here to help you through this hard time. Jesus Loves you, at times when my husband is cold , distant and rejecting me in everyway, I just remember Jesus loves me , and it makes me feel so much better.
LOve Lisa

Thanks for all of your responses-especially the MALE ones. They echo/validate what I have been thinking, and interestingly enough makes it easier for me since I don't feel like i'm going crazy.

OMG, two times a week is a HUGE amount of sex.

I went for 15 years and only had sex once with my husband. Found out recently it was because he had an affair back then and felt guilty and couldn't do anything, not that he gradually became impotent and didn't care enough to do anything about it as I thought.

I agree with the guys, it is a huge turn-off and ego-buster when your partner won't initiate or engage in sex.

Then unfortunately I found out that he was having a recent affair, even though I was always the one that wanted sex and even in our early marriage had a low libido.

Not sure where we'll end up. We're trying to get back together but he still doesn't initiate which is sickening for me.

I know he has issues from when he was sexually molested so I"m going to insist he see a sex therapist. Is that what they do?

Wow, that's just like my situation. It gets blamed on the intimacy, then when I work to correct it, there is no reciprocation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

How about flipping the coin? My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and maybe we have had sex once every couple of months. My husband says he has no desire and if we do have sex, he quickly loses his erection 5-10 minutes into it. He has tried Viagra, levitra, and cialis. His doctor says nothing is wrong, maybe "performance anxiety". Then in the next breathe, he is on the online porn sites daily. When I ask him about it (when he is caught) he says that it does nothing for him and he only watches it for the "shock" value. I don't know what to do. We are not old, we are both in our 30's. Can anyone give me some insight?

another male prospective

intamacy is key. when a wife dosent intiate, it hurts the male. Having sex to keep peace in the house.....your husband must be insensitive to your needs. I have had sex with my wife when she was not in the mood, and she now thinks that I married her just for sex and that she is a sex object in my eyes. I dont know how your husband's mind works but this is what happend with me. I would feel bad that she didnt want to reciprocate the favor even though she would have sex with me. I would not do a very good job (ending the act early) and then she would be interested because of what I had done. Then I would feel like crap because she was wanting more and I was done. Gulable, you should see if your husband will see if he has a low testosterone level. It can cause decreaced libido and premature ejaculation. At least he isnt on a prescription med like I am. Once when my wife asked me how I felt about our sex life, I was honest with her and told her that I felt that it sucked, not because she wasnt exiting me, but because I got the job done and she was just starting to get into it. I hope that it helps.

He is lying to you - he is addicted to porn and probably has been for some time. He has classic symptoms. Over riding viagra etc. losing erections, frequent use of internet porn.

He needs the quick easy stimulation of the ever changing IT porn. It is work to make love or have sex with a woman - it is a few minute, sitting easily, mind stimulated, act to have sex with a porn site. So when he tries to have sex with you, he does not have the stimulus he has strained his mind and P*nis to react to. Hence the Mind/p*nis give up.

I would out a block on the porn sites immediately. Call him on it, tell him what you have learned. He then needs to keep off the porn and gradually his libido will readjust back to a real satisfying woman. Like the difference between a fast food burger and a healthily prepared good tasting meal at home. He is stuck in the unhealthy fast lane.

Linda

I have been married for 4 months, but have been with my husband on and off for 5 years. We started out with a very healthy sexual relationship. After about two years, it started to dwindle. I kept asking what was wrong, and he continued to reassure me that everything was fine, that it was all in my head. I bought into it for about a year before I couldn't take the mind game anymore, and I broke it off. There was no sexual relationship or sexual intimacy of any kind in this time. The following year we weren't together as a couple, but we were together as best friends. We had a wonderful opportunity to get to know one another without the stresses of being a couple. We work together, shared triumphs and sorrows together, sports, holidays and family. I pined away for what was lost the entire time. When he made it clear there was no chance for us to be together, I finally decided to start dating again, and eventually ended up in a fairly serious relationship. When I shared my feelings for the other man with him, he says it woke him up and he realized that he was still in love with me and wanted me back. He all but begged me for months to reconsider. It was a decision I gave a lot of thought and prayer to. I didn't want to go back to him thinking it was simply a jealousy issue. He has been the man I wanted since I met him, so I ended the other relationship, and I listened. We spent countless hours talking about what went wrong between us before, and came up with solutions to keep us from the same troubles. We admited when we were wrong and listened to where we hurt one another. Things were wonderful again! Then we got married, and moved across the US for our jobs. We were having sex 3-5 times a week in the beginning, now it's sex once maybe twice a month. The first couple times I talked to him about it, he said he understood my fears, and it was nothing more than stress. Then we would have sex a few times, and I would count two more weeks away. After that, I would ask him about it, he would make it a point to make love that night, and the days would slip by again. Now when I ask, he changes the subject or becomes defensive. Every single time I have tried to initiate since we moved, I have been turned down with some excuse. I am tired, my stomach is upset, I have a headache. Or, he makes it a point to stay up late or drink to much so he doesn't have to worry about me approaching him. I realize this is a huge post, but I am at my wits end! I ADORE this man, and I meant it when I said for better or for worse. I know sex isn't what makes a marriage, but am I so wrong to think it plays a huge part? I need advice on as to how I supposed to cope with this. Do I count my blessing to have a man so wonderful in every way but this one and forget about a sex life ever again, or do I make a big deal of it and risk pushing away the man I love? Is it me or is it him? What the heck am I doing wrong here?

My advice is to look inside yourself and decide whether you can live in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life. Your husband is very broken and it is unlikely that he will ever be "fixed". On December 31 I will have been married for 32 years. You can read my other posts, but my story is similar to yours. We have been seeing a certified sex therapist who is very good. I understand that this is not about me and your situation is not about you. It is about something in our husbands' backgrounds. My husband has a Madonna-wh--e complex. He can't make love to someone he loves. While we are doing better relationally overall, our sex life has not really improved.

It is likely that your husband is "taking care of himself". If he is like my husband, he cannot handle the closeness and intimacy of sex with his wife. He may occasionally accomodate you, but you will never have a "normal" sex life.

For heaven's sake, don't have children with this man unless you have come to accept that you will be living a virtually sexless marriage. My 2 adult children are a great blessing to me, but I honestly cannot say that bringing children into this marriage was the right thing to do. Their mother would have been much happier and healthier in a better marriage. Now I am looking at spending the rest of my life in a celibate marriage -- or divorcing at age 53 and probably spending the rest of my life alone. I made my choices out of love, but looking back, I regret marrying this man. He is a fine man and a good father, but not the right guy for me.

When I read these forums, I wonder why the women who don't care for sex are married to the men who do like sex and vice-versa. It seems so ironic and unjust. So, again, I advise you to either accept the situation as a permanent one over which you have NO CONTROL or get out now, before you spend any more time longing for what you will never have. Been there -- am there -- still doing that.

Thank you so much for your reply! I know that some people would have been disheartened by your post, but for some reason, it makes me feel a little better. Just knowing that I am not alone and having someone tell me it isn't my fault helps. Everything about this man is everything I ever dreamed of...except the sex. I am still confused as to where my path lies, but at least now I have a little more direction. Thank you. Oh, and I understand you not wanting to "start over", my mother felt the same way. She did though, and found the love of her life in her 50's. If you aren't happy and have no chance of it...please, reconsider for yourself? I know that my self esteem is gradually slipping away because of this, (sounds silly, but it's the truth) and it breaks my heart to think that you have no hope of love in your heart anymore. You are in my prayers.

WithS, I understand also that you don't want to have to start over, but usually God doesn't give you what you want, does He? Just gives you what you need. He gave you a man who challenges you to understand your true self. Do you believe the things he tells you? Are you the failure he insists you are? Are you truly the frigid b*tch he suggests you are?...or is it that you cannot be passionate and intimate and sexually free with a man who does not inspire you to be??

There is only one failing on your part, and that is that you have not give this poisonous fellow his walking papers before this. Perhaps this view is not welcome here, but I do not believe in keeping a dead thing on life support. This man only wants what he wants and he has no interest in what is good and right for you...unless it furthers his own selfish desires. You do yourself and him - and your children! - a disservice by enabling his continued abuse. You are not respecting your own needs for a mentally, emotionally, spiritually healthy ADULT relationship by staying with him, and your children are your witnesses. Monkey see, monkey do. What does this teach your son? Your daughter?

And finally, you're not doing him any favours either by allowing him to continue this self-destructive path. If you have any love left for this man, look him in the eye and tell him that he needs help, and that you love him enough to not allow him to hurt you like this anymore. Ask him to please seek counselling. Verbal abuse is VERY real and devastating.

You know. I never thought there was an excuse to cheat on your spouse but when you go through 3months + of no sex. No oral. No ... well... NOTHING! You get pretty upset, depressed, unwanted, etc... I now kind of understand why people get to the point of cheating. I hate to say that. I haven't done it yet but I'm about to warn my wife that things have to change or we are getting a divorce... I will not let myself be a cheater but I won't be stuck in a bs sexless marriage either :-/

"I've been with my husband since I was 19 [married 13 years]. He is 4 years older. We have 4 kids. As far as I can remember we have always had issues, but when we first got together, I ignored/denied them, mostly because of my age and inexperience [you could have counted my boyfriends on one hand at that point!]. "

Up to THAT point? Did you have boyfriends after marriage??