Hi all,
I’m in a concerning situation, and was hoping for insights from others who have more wisdom than I do today.

My fiancé and I met on e-harmony, and immediately felt a very strong connection to one another. We were originally introduced on April 2, 2006. We e-mailed for a couple of weeks and then met each other in on April 16. Although it wasn’t immediate “love at first sight”, we definitely knew that we were very compatible and wanted to spend as much time together as possible. We are both Christians, have similar professions, family values, interests, and personalities. Our relationship grew into an amazing friendship and romance, and has so many wonderful qualities. We challenge each other in areas where the other person is weak, we many strengths, and we care for one another unconditionally. Although VERY fast, we became engaged on July 11, 2006. We’ve been greatly supported by our friends, family, church family, and our pastor. We’ve been planning wedding for December 2006.

Last night, my fiancé disclosed to me that during an early May (2006) vacation, he had sex with an ex-girlfriend. Yes, he took this trip when we’d been dating for about 2-3 weeks, and I knew that he was going out to see her and spend time with her. The trip was planned and paid for, before he and I ever met. They had dated for about a year, and had been “just friends” for a second year. Before he left on this trip, he had informed me of the details of their former relationship, including the fact that they had been sexually active while dating. He PROMISED me that they were just friends, and that nothing would happen between them. He had my blessing to go on the trip, I thought he was trustworthy. He was gone for about 5 days, and when he came home he promised me that their friendship had remained platonic during this vacation. Unfortunately, after last night’s disclosure… I’ve learned that they had sex one time during the trip. He makes no excuses for it. He acknowledges responsibility for this, and has asked for my forgiveness. He no longer has contact with the ex-girlfriend, and has had no contact in over one month (they casually e-mailed every so often after he returned from the vacation; again I knew about the e-mails and the ongoing contact between them)

All in good time, we have our first pre-marital counseling session scheduled for this coming Monday night. He’s asking me if I still want to marry him, and if so… do I still want to marry him in December. Crazily… I think I do. I feel like forgiving him, but I don’t know WHY. I guess I just feel like this is what love is….. to go through the ups and downs together and to be together unconditionally. I’ve told him that I will not live my life as an enabler, letting him wander/explore/cheat --- and take him back. He assures me that in the early stages of our relationship, he did not know that he wanted to marry me, and did not have the overwhelming sense of commitment that he does now. He’s promised me that he has changed, and that he wants to have a Christ-centered honest marriage with me, which is why he disclosed this activity anyway.

I’m just confused. Am I being a fool? Am I already enabling? Is this unconditional love? Frankly… did he cheat, if we had only known each other for 3 weeks? Where do we (I) go from here? Any advice or follow-up questions are welcomed!

Forgive him when you are ready to

don't marry him until you've known him a minimum 2 years longer ...

in other words

DELAY this marriage

best of luck

Pep

Beware someone rushing you towards marriage. To be sure you need to know them for at least two years before considering marriage. IF there hadnt already been infidelity, this would still only be considered the dating stage. It's only been a few months. I'd say you dont really get to see someones true character in that short of time, but I think you did. He does not value fidelity. He cannot honor his promises.

I guess you are confused. At this point, he's not even dating material. Certainly no marriage material. What would you recommend to a friend or daughter?

Red flags all over this guy... please be careful. You know you deserve better. No woman needs a man who cheated on her so quickly. He may be testing the waters... if you dont leave him, he'll think he's got it made. You can do better!! Please take care - Dru

imoh,

you've only known this guy for 3 months and he's already cheated on you. Most people tend to be on their best behavior very early in the dating process. If this is the best you can expect, you're in trouble.

I think he did you a favor by showing his true colors sooner rather than later.

Walk away. Stronger and wiser. There are plenty of wonderful men out there who will never cheat on you. Keep looking and you will find them.

Regards,
ITB

ditto.

cut bait dearie.

I did it tonight...close to the biggie C.

Please be good to yourself. You are worth more than this.

I am sorry for the loss. You will survive. And you will become stronger than ever.

Your courtship was brief...and you will rebound famously from this. It's a mere roadbump in life. (what my dsister said to me tonight!)

imoh,

I don't think you can "cheat" on someone you have known for only 2-3 weeks, especially someone that "wasn't love at first sight". You can break a promise but cheating is a bit of a reach in the scenario you have laid out.

The real problem is the rocket ride your R is on. What goes up quickly almost always returns to earth very fast and very hard.

Follow Pep's very sound advice.

BTW how soon after you met did you have sex?

If you'd only been dating for 2-3 weeks before he went on the trip, that's like one meet-for-coffee, two dinners, and one Sunday afternoon bike ride. He shouldn't have been making you any promises or assurances at that point anyway.

So, no, I don't think it's cheating, but getting married in December after only meeting in April is too fast. What's the rush? And I'd also be wary that he's said "he's changed" -- Changed from April to July? Changed from what to what?

Thank you all for your insights and suggestions. I really appreciate wisdom, since it's so hard to tap in to mine right now. I agree that there is no way to marry this man in December, and I'll be making the other decisions (whether to stay with him) in the coming weeks. My mind is not made up, and I will not be "convinced" to trust, believe, or doubt. I'm 28 years old, and I trust that after gathering as much information as possible (wisdom, facts, history, etc...) I will know in my heart what the right thing to do will be. To answer a couple of questions:

We first had sex in mid June. We've since agreed that there will be no more intercourse, as I need to KNOW if he can live without it. I've been a virgin the great majority of my life, so I know that I can practice self control. IF we do marry, THEN our sex life can proceed.

Changing from May to July... from what to what? Yes... this is a great question. There lies the biggest reason that I can not marry this man soon. Time will tell who he really is. I know his history, one that he is not proud of. I guess he's caught in an inner struggle of old habits and behaviors, and wanting to be a better man. I am a believer in change, forgiveness, and a reformed way of life. My faith tells me that this is possible. However, I now see that time will be on our side in order to have proof and trust in the change process.

Thank you all again so much. If there are more comments, suggestions, and/or follow up questions... please feel free to offer. I've learned so much from the M.B website already.

imoh,



Now this changes the story entirely. I would think that the history that you allude to is much more pertinent than an old girlfriend 2 weeks into your relationship.

Pray tell, what else don't we know before we give you suggestions on your version of what is important?

Thanks for your interest and willingness to help... but please don't be sarcastic during your helpfulness. I'm emotionally drained and don't need anyone attacking "my version of what is important". I originally tried to summarize the details of our relationship as much as possible during my first post. It was still quite lengthy. I didn't really think that complete strangers wanted read a long epic. I did provide what I thought was important.

So you ask, what shameful history does he have? Five sexual partners in 10 years. Is that so bad? No, not by much of society's standards. But for a man who grew up ascribing to the Christian faith, and was taught that sex was reserved for a married relationship, then yes... 5 different partners is kind of a big deal. Somewhere on his life road, his perspective changed: that sex was an enjoyable activity between two consenting adults. Was he a man wh**e? No. Do we wish that we are the only ones that we have each been with? Yes. Is that then, shameful/regretful? Yes.

A second shameful/regretful part of his history is his use of pornography. He's told me that he used to use pornography. I do not approve of porn, yet have NEVER met a single guy between 20-35 who hasn't viewed porn. Guys at church, guys at work (a Christian agency), guys on line, guys at the bar, guys everywhere. It's a "hot topic" for me, so I always ask a single guy that I'm talking to if they use (or have used) porn, strip clubs, etc... I've never been told no. Am I justifying for this man? Yeah, I guess so. Either way, a couple of months ago, we threw it all out. Had a nice little porn-burning moment and agreed to no porn, masturbation, or sex without each other.

I guess that these are some examples is some of the aforementioned "change" that I was referencing. I have high standards, and he seemed to want to make those changes. Maybe I'm just being idealistic.

porn = difficult habit to break

be very VERY V E R Y wary

when it comes to marriage ~~~> BE PARTICULAR

Pep

why are you excusing away his behavior...you post a story, ask for advice and then defend him....

why are did you post the story of his cheating in the first place???

i think you already know the answer....

the speed at which you you moved from meeting to marriage is a HUGE red flag...

it begs the question....

are YOU that NEEDY???

are YOU that INSECURE???

or......

is HE that NEEDY or INSECURE????

whether you stay or leave this relationship is up to you....but if it were me.........

id RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!

seriously.....

RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

If a man under the age of about 60 told me that upon marrying me he promised to never again masturbate or look at a single picture of a naked woman for the rest of his life, I would think he was either lying through his teeth or that he was making promises rashly.

The fidelity promise he should be able to keep. The other two he will break. And, for me, the fact that he occasionally masturbates or looks at the odd pic would be less important than the fact that he is capable of making unrealistic promises.