I caught my husband cheating (mostly long distance via internet for about 2 months) about 3 weeks ago, he admitted it (the PA happened about 1 month prior to my finding out), he apologized and ended the relationship, and now we're attending MC. It seems to be helping, but I feel emotionally drained and exhausted. We also have 3 children, and it's difficult to focus on this issue, and successfully meet the demands of young children. And he just wants everything to be better and for me to forgive him. I'm afraid that will encourage him to have his cake and eat it too whenever he wants. How easy do you make it for a WH to come back?

For those of you who have successfully reconciled, do you have any advice on the best and most effective way to heal? Did anyone find it helpful to separate physically from the situation - get away by yourself for a few days to sort things out? Is reconciliation more successful when both parties stay together in the same house, or does it help to get some space? I don't just want to put a bandaid on this, I want to heal and have a successful marriage. I don't want to wake up 6 months from now, and wonder what I'm doing or end up back in the same boat.

Thanks.

have you read the concepts on this site

"How to recover from infidelity"

????

Pep

Angie, it is much harder to reconcile during a seperation because you can't work on the marriage when you are not there. So, staying together is your best bet.

You should forgive him if he ENDS his affair and recommits to your marriage. That does not mean you will forget this, you won't. This is the greatest betrayal a spouse can commit and it will take years to recover. He will have to work very hard to rebuild any trust and you should not trust him until he has proven himself.

The first step in rebuilding trust would be for him to end all contact with the OW by sending her a no contact letter. The letter should be written together, approved by you and mailed by you. If the OW was married, her H should be told.

Additionally, he should make his life an open book to you in order to rebuild trust. If his affair was online, I would put spyware on it so you can VERIFY what he is doing online. He should give you passwords to all of his voicemails and email accounts so you can check up on him.

Those are just FIRST STEPS in a long recovery, Angie. I would read this article about surviving and affair and get your hands on Dr. Harley's Surviving an Affair. There was something wrong in here that led to this affair and that must be addressed in order to recover your marriage. SAA will help you uncover the problem.

My H also had an online affair and the single greatest thing that restored trust in our marriage was putting spyware on his computer. I could RELAX because I was able to VERIFY that he was being trustworthy. Seeing that he was being trustworthy when I wasn't looking contributed enormously to the restoration of trust. So, I would highly recommend putting spyware on his computer.

Sorry you are here, Angie, but you are in the right place and will get lots of support.

I just printed it out the basic principles of which you are talking. I have Dr. Harley's book, another book, and a couples devotional on order. I should have express shipped the order, as it is not here yet. I have read a few of the articles on this site, but I was hoping to hear a good story of reconciliation. Still, thanks for the input.

Four Rules to Guide
Marital Recovery After an Affair

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

No contact letter:

Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

There are lots of stories on here.,

My husband and I are about 13 months into recovery- wow I just realized that yesterday was the 27th and that was the first time I didn't think of that date as an anniversary.

What you are reading above is very good advice.

Him being an open book is a big deal as is the no contact letter.

IS the ow married?

If so, her husband needs to be notified as well.

you are in the best place to be under the circumstances.

hang in there

The OW is married. I know this will sound strange, but I have corresponded with her by email. I wanted to see if her version of events matched my husband's. She said she has told her husband, but how do I know that for sure? She also let me know that they are moving back to our area (1300 miles from her current home), but that I shouldn't worry, that she wouldn't try to contact my husband. She made it sound like she was doing me a big favor.

Expose to OW's husband ... he needs to be vigilant with his wife ... and he does not know he needs to be vigilant... not a good thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Pep

I don't know this woman - she is an old high school friend??? I did track her down on People Search, but like I said she's moving back to the midwest, where we live. Her plans were to be here by August, before her son starts kindergarten. I don't know if I should still try to contact her husband to make sure he knows. Like I said, I don't know her or him - just her first name and maiden name, and his first name. My husband thinks I'm obsessed, and that the sooner I let go of my obsession, the better we will be able to move on. It's so difficult to know the right thing to do.

Angie,

I'm sorry but I'm more than a little suspicious of this OW. Why is she moving to your area? And why is she trying to be nice to you? It really makes me wonder if the affair is over.

Angie, the OW's H needs to be told. Especially since she is moving to your area. She may very well be moving there in order to further her affair with your H. Telling her H will greatly decrease the odds of this affair resuming if there are 2 people watching them from both ends. As long as her H remains ignorant, your H is free to contact the OW if the spririt moves him and you will be none the wiser.

Also, if her H knows she had an affair with your H he might cancel this move.

Also, how will the OW's husband know the truth if you don't tell him? He needs to protect himself from your H and his W. He won't know that unless someone tells him the truth.

you should still contact him.

you do not know her married name?

go to classmates.com (I HATE that site, but you need it here) If she is registered she will probably have er married name.

Do you know the town they live in now? It may be on classmates, too.

Otherwise you might can still find it on anywho.com or whitepages.com

Well, of course you are obsessed. You are SUPPOSED TO BE. If your child just died wouldn't you be a little "obsessed" 3 weeks later or would you just "move on?" If you were RAPED would you be a little "obsessed" 3 weeks later or would he tell you to just shut up and "move on?"

Angie, the notion that you should not be obsessed reflects a GROSS lack of understanding of the nature of affairs. You have experienced a trauma that is as traumatic as the death of a child or a RAPE. It is UNREALISTIC to imagine you are going to "get over it" in 3 weeks. That ain't gonna happen. You are just STARTING TO GRIEVE. This is the START, not the end.

I am still a little obsessed after 11 months!

Angie,
My individual counselor said it was like I had been in a major accident and was experienceing severe trauma- I needed ICU. That is the kind of care you need from your husband.

It really does take a lot of time and attention. There is not a magic pill you can take to get passed this.

Keep reading here and in the books.

I'm a newbie to this site, and have just been listening and learning. My husband also started affairs on the Internet. It started with chat rooms and just looking. Before long, he was signed up on every "married but looking" website you can think of. From there it progressed to IM'ing and e-mailing. I found several e-mails where he gave the women his cell phone #. When I found this stuff on his computer, I just kept checking things for weeks before I said anything. I hadn't installed the spyware on his computer yet, because he didn't know I was looking, so was not deleting anything. As soon as I confronted him w/it, he started wiping it clean every day. He lied about contact w/women until I showed him the e-mails I had printed. Also, lots of unaccounted for #'s on cell bill, lots of unaccounted for time. Unfortunately, he installs phone systems in hotels, so can get a room from one of his "buddies" for nothing, so nothing like that on CC. When I asked him why he had started this, he blamed it on a knee re-injury and surgery that I had. The re-injury was in Feb, surgery in March, immobilized for 8 weeks following surgery. Said he was sexually frustrated and felt emotionally distant since we could not have sex due to the pain I was in. Is it just me, or does that sound like a load of horse manure? He doesn't want to accept the responsibility for this, and says it was due to my knee. I don't know if I should even try reconciling now, I'm scheduled for another knee surgery in Sept. Same thing again, or worse? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

Ivy,

Would you mind if we moved your post to a thread of your own? If you would like us to do this for you, please let us know.

Thanks,
L.

ivy, if you start a thread of your own with this post, folks will see it and you can get feedback. But folks aren't going to see your post buried down here at the bottom of someone elses thread. Just click on the "POST" button and that is how you start your own thread. Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you. I'm new at this, and computers can be a mystery to me.

Ivy,

Mel gave you good instructions, if you are willing to create your own post (it isn't hard, I can do it and I stink at computers - LOL!!!), then that would be great. Otherwise, let us know and we can copy and past this into a new thread for you.

take care,
L.