I'm a newbie to this site, and have just been listening and learning. My husband also started affairs on the Internet. It started with chat rooms and just looking. Before long, he was signed up on every "married but looking" website you can think of. From there it progressed to IM'ing and e-mailing. I found several e-mails where he gave the women his cell phone #. When I found this stuff on his computer, I just kept checking things for weeks before I said anything. I hadn't installed the spyware on his computer yet, because he didn't know I was looking, so was not deleting anything. As soon as I confronted him w/it, he started wiping it clean every day. He lied about contact w/women until I showed him the e-mails I had printed. Also, lots of unaccounted for #'s on cell bill, lots of unaccounted for time. Unfortunately, he installs phone systems in hotels, so can get a room from one of his "buddies" for nothing, so nothing like that on CC. When I asked him why he had started this, he blamed it on a knee re-injury and surgery that I had. The re-injury was in Feb, surgery in March, immobilized for 8 weeks following surgery. Said he was sexually frustrated and felt emotionally distant since we could not have sex due to the pain I was in. Is it just me, or does that sound like a load of horse manure? He doesn't want to accept the responsibility for this, and says it was due to my knee. I don't know if I should even try reconciling now, I'm scheduled for another knee surgery in Sept. Same thing again, or worse? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

was what he said true? were you essentially denying him sex because of your knee?
("I cant because it hurts too much", isnt neccessarily a concious, deliberate denial. but it IS still a denial of it, and it is "you". so in that part, he may be correct.)


were you denying him ALL "SF", or just the big one(s)?
[hmm. it's not clear to me how extensive your surgery was. were you immobile and bed-ridden in a truss for 8 weeks, or just "cant use your knee" type of thing?]

Certainly he is to blame, for making the choices that he made. But if you were keeping him from SF with you, that is a majorly bad thing for your marriage. Would you act differently with your upcoming surgery?


[if it was only 8 weeks, though.. either there was something else, or the guy is a serious nymphomaniac on steroids. yikes. This is one situation where "porn" might actually help get through things temporarily... although ideally in my opinion, the "home-made" type would be best :-) ]

For 6 weeks before surgery, if I moved wrong my knee would totally dislocate. Femur going one way, tib-fib going the other, kneecap just going wherever. It would take someone pulling very forcefully on my leg to put everything back in place. For the 8 weeks post surgery, I was in a hip to ankle immobilizer, not able to bend it at all, or the tendons that were held in place with screws would become unsecured. Really a bad thing to happen.

As for denying all sexual relations, no. I put the idea to him of oral, mainly for him, because at that point, my libido was pretty much dampened by the pain. But I've always enjoyed providing that for him, whether I felt a need for myself or not.

And, I've bought him a couple of porno DVD's, which he seems to enjoy once in awhile. But during this time, and a little before, we had NO physical contact, despite my trying to initiate. And he is not one to go for 2.5 months without sex!!!

That is probably what made me start to wonder. I actually found the stuff on his computer by mistake one night. But thereafter, started checking it every day, thinking it might be a fluke, one time thing, whatever. It wasn't.

As for my next surgery, it's going to be worse physically than the last one, so am looking at being immobilized for up to 16 weeks.

We've been married for 20 years, more than 1/2 my life, been through some rough times, but never anything that hurt and betrayed this severely.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I heard/read once, that it is surprisingly uncommon for married people to be sexually unfaithful to even someone who is physically unable to respond, unless the bond between them has eroded. So from my incredibly NOT professional opinion, I would guess that there is something else going on as well.

either that.. or he has a major phobia about hospital trappings or something.

but.. the deleting and lying.. it just doesnt sound like it matches. something seems majorly Wrong.

sorry to monopolize your thread :-) hopefully some other folks will chime in soon as well.

It's not about not having sex because of your surgery! Please!! Don't lay that one on yourself. He is a grown man and he can obviously see you NEED not to be in pain while having sex. Who in their right mind would think it is okay to cheat on your spouse because they had surgery and couldn't have sex for awhile. How about a little TLC for YOU during this time. He can deal without sex for that length of time.......because he loves and cares about you and your welfare. At least, that's the idea in marriage. I wouldn't push porn around either........whole other can of worms.

This is about him. There is something wrong and you seem to have been getting a drift of it before the surgery. If he is emotionally distant, it could be because he is talking to other women on-line. Check up on him. Don't believe it is because of the surgery. Get him to spill what he has been doing or get proof.

I'm so sorry you are going through this with your painful surgeries! Hang in there.

I fully intend to get proof, if I can just get to his laptop. I purchased one of the spyware programs for e-mail, keystrokes, etc. But, the problem is, I made him move out, so don't have access to the computer right now.

It seems like alot of people say you can't fix the M if you're not living together. How do you stand being around that person, knowing what they did? That was why I finally asked him to move out for awhile, six weeks after the bombshell.

We are planning on starting MC, but will he lie to the counselor, like he's lied to me?

Probably he will lie. Unless he is a terrific liar, a good counselor will be able to see it pretty quick. The MC will not by the idea that he was doing this because of your knee surgery.

Good luck!

This is one for the worst WS reazoning I have ever heard!
Don't ever blame you or your surgery for his actions please.
He's in FOG, totally in FOG. And is living an addiction.

How long have you been married?
How old are you? Do you have kids?

If Please look at your M before all this and decide if you want to safe your M or not.

What is he telling you? Does he wants to reconcile? Does he wants to stop this behave? Does he wants to look into the real WHY he did did it?

Be strong. Take care of your self.
You can "fix"your M even if not living together. PLAN A.

Be the best person you can be. Take good care of yourself.
Expose the affair to family, friends, everyone that will help you thru this. Everyone that will blame him or makes "wake" up for reality.

Be strong... mostly for yourself.

Have you exposed?

Lostwillow,
We have been married 20 years in Jan, have a 19yoD and 16yoS, and I'm 37. Yes, we got married very early, but had been sweethearts way before marriage.

He has said he wants to reconcile, will go to MC, and says that maybe thru MC will find out exactly why he did it. This threw me for such a loop because my H has always been an extremely caring, nice person. Not just to me and kids, but others in the community, whoever needed it.

Unfortunately, the trust is just not there now, so I've installed PCPandora on his laptop, & computer @ home. I have found some more things on his comp. that I hadn't found before, and have confronted him w/it. He actually told the truth this time, but I could tell he was wondering how I found out. Until I'm sure I can trust him, which may be a long time, PCPandora is my little secret.

By the way, he is also freaking out about his 40th birthday coming up, could this be some sort of mid-life crisis, especially since we were married so young? Most men buy a sports car!!

Yes, I've exposed all the dirty little details to my family. I'm extremely close to Mom and Sis, so I told them shortly after confronting him. That really threw him! He said "I can't believe you told your Mom". Well, duh! I have nothing to hide.

I feel that maybe I should have figured it out long before I did, but his work hours have always been erratic, quite a bit of traveling, etc. Well, now I know better than to take anything at face value, don't I?

Thank you for your input, every little bit helps!