I can't think of whether I could have done anything differently and I don't know whether I should bother reconciling.
Just found out a week tomorrow that my husband of almost 20 years has been having a full-on adulterous relationship for the last 3 years, and a (Bill/Monica) type thing for 10 years before that. He also admitted to a 4 month adulterous relationship within the first 2 years of our marriage.
The adultery was discovered when I saw my husband had a message open on his phone. Bit by bit the lies peeled back over 4 days, and part of the story was revealed to his parents and our children.
What makes our case very strange and very difficult for me to accept is that it was always my husband who held out from intimacy and sex, almost from the beginning of our marriage. He admits he has a low sex drive and has had problems on and off with impotence. I simply thought he didn't want it or need it (he was molested as a child by a babysitter) and so I thought I was 100% safe from this situation.
The biggest betrayal in my mind is that I always had terrible difficulty in accepting the lack of intimacy and I used to do everything I could to let him know how I felt - including crying, begging, suggesting a doctor/therapist, marriage couselling etc. He always thought it wasn't a problem. Gradually I began to resent his inability to see it was a problem, his lack of regard for my feelings by not doing something about it, and as well his wanting to do many many outside activities and not wanting to spend time with me and our family. All through this time though he was a good provider and we want for nothing. Finally, about 4 years ago I told him that as much as him not wanting me had hurt me and wasn't what I wanted, the decision now had to be mine and that I wouldn't sleep with him now even if he wanted to. In reality, all it would have taken would have been for him to
reach out to me and show he was interested. He now uses this as an excuse for the second relationship, which I think is very very unfair.
His story is that he was so guilty after the first affair that this affected his ability to do everything with me and be nice to me. I can understand this adultery a little (thought the length of it was surprising) as he had had no experience before marriage and I had had quite a lot. He would have been very flattered and probably didn't know how to handle women very well. And I can understand the second one slightly as I had become very distant from him out of resentment for everything I had to endure over the years (including the way he always made me feel responsible for our problems). He was just as distant to me, so I don't feel that was any excuse - I wasn't getting my emotional needs met either. The other woman knew about the first affair. I just can't accept him giving someone else what he could easily have had at home. I can't accept him never giving our marriage a chance from the start. I can't accept his selfishness at thinking his emotional needs were more important than mine. I basically just can't see there was anything there from the start on his part.
He wants to get back together and make a clean start to try to make it better than ever but is it possible? Did we have anything to start with?
We have started to try to respark the fire but I just don't think he desires me (or deserves me). I have put on weight through the years, though not as much as he had (he lost a lot the past year). Ten years ago I lost 40 pounds but that didn't make any difference. I put it all on again though as food was my only comfort. Just recently I have started to lose weight again so I feel very good about myself. I honestly would like to get some of what he was giving her for all that time but doubt that it is me that he wants.
The things he has done so far is to admit everything, had an HIV test on my request, has gone once with me to marriage counselling, he has said he wants to commit to our marriage, he says he feels so much better without the guilt, I went with him while he told the girlfriend (I wanted to see it was done and I wanted to see his face when he did it so I'd know how he felt), he has said he would get medical attention for the impotency problem (if there was one) and some more counselling for the molestation problem).
Initially, I was just going to leave as the extent and the nature of the deceit and selfishness was just too great. But then I began to think that maybe this is the chance to start things with a clean (ha!) slate and give the marriage the chance it deserved from the start. I want to see if what he is saying is true. I have started to see a spark between us and he now can look me in the eye, which he hasn't been able to do for so long. I think he was surprised at my total devastation at finding out as I don't think he knew I cared so much. I am using his physical contact (as limited as it is so far) and his words to ease my pain as it is the only time I can get any comfort from my pain. If things do not develop I will be leaving the relationship.
Is it worth me trying? I do think that if he were enthusiastic enough to address the things that are suggested in the marriage builders website with me it could solve all the things that were wrong with our marriage (except for maybe the sex thing). Am I too much of an optomist?
