...that you should leave a marriage if your spouse is unfaithful?

Obviously, that is a widely held belief, as noted in several recent thought-provoking threads. I certainly believed it. Or at least I did before I was betrayed. I thought it was the only thing a self-respecting person could do.

But clearly the Harleys and most other marriage experts don't believe a spouse should necessarily end a marriage because of infidelity. And neither do most major religions.

And yet, so many of us go into marriage with this belief. And some of us still hold it.

Do you still believe that a person should end the marriage if their spouse is unfaithful? (Or that you should, to personalize it?) Is this still a "principle" for you, or has your own experience with infidelity changed that belief?

If you do still believe that, could you explain why? I've been thinking about this and wondering where I got this belief and why it was so strongly held.

In the past (and today) women are more forgiving when it comes to infidelity in men, and while women are supposedly catching up with men as the perpetrators, they are not being unfaithful in the same numbers that men are. Yet men seem to be less forgiving of infidelity in women...

My instinct tells me that affair means good bye, but I am open to considering expert opinion.

The truth is that I don't see how that trust could be rebuilt. Some things that we break or damage are stronger after the healing / repair, but some things are never the same again.

Trubluz, I don't believe it is a "principle," but a matter of personal proclivity that can only be determined by the person himself/herself. The Harley's don't advocate leaving or staying and even Dr. Harley has stated he would NOT stay after an affair. Their program is for folks who do decide to stay. But many people do decide to leave and there is nothing wrong with that. We know better than others what we can and can't tolerate.

Trust most certainly CAN be rebuilt, though, and it is very possible to recover and have a great marriage with the proper steps. That doesnt mean that a person should have blind trust, though. Even Dr. Harley says he doesn't fully trust Joyce and doesn't think marriage partners should blindly trust each other. He believes this kind of "trust" is an open invitation to infidelity.

Melody,

Do you remember where Dr. Harley discusses what he would do? I've read SAA, but don't remember it from there. But it was quite a while ago, and soon after d-day, so I might have missed it.

Tru

Tru, I am racking my brain and can't remember, it might have been in an article on this website. Perhaps someone else remembers.

I remember reading it or maybe hearing it on the radio show? I can't remember where- going to go check his needs/her needs.

I had heard it on his Radio Show a long while back and also read it as an article sent thru email.

I always thought I'd leave if I found out my spouse had been unfaithful...and yet here I am still.

I suppose it's a personal choice based on what we can and cannot work through.

I will say that the trust that once was between my H and I can never be rebuilt though. We've chosen a different perspective on that one.

Instead of rebuilding the old trust we've started from scratch with a new/different kind of trust.

I know...semantics...but it's what works for us.

Damn-that's deep...Harley says he wouldn't stay?

Wow...


Actually your entire comment is very deep...

I guess it's all about the individual. Some people's trust is repairable, and some just ain't.


Truthfully, we can never know what we would do before it happens to us. I think the tales on this site are a testament to that.

Semantics? No-this is more than just words...

I think you have redefined your relationship and your concept of trust , and hopefully it works out for you.

Tru,

Reasoning before the experience...

Nets us nothing. (Like CS says.)

We believe before we know we choose what we believe...don't we? Until we experience, we cannot grasp all of it, in the details, the effects...can we?

"If you do still believe that, could you explain why? I've been thinking about this and wondering where I got this belief and why it was so strongly held."

Any more than saying, "If I were mugged, I would feel" when we haven't been...we can guess; our brains can give us a lot of fantasy as to what we would feel...still a guess. Basing a belief on a guess has a false payoff of knowing when we really don't know. As if we are protecting ourselves from it happening, solidifying it by action and reaction, before it happens.

I got this as a child...believing there were good people and there were bad people; as an adult, I saw good people do harmful actions; and bad people do good ones. I thought that by believing there were these two kinds of people, and if I could tell the difference, then I would be safe.

Like the death penalty as a deterrent...I will do this if you ever choose to do this...maybe a boundary enforcement...if you've experienced infidelity...yet, I believe, a guess, if you have not.

Even Harley.

Informed beliefs, from experience...the birth place of true hope and not fantasy salves...because we don't know until we get there...that's my answer to, "Is recovery worth all this pain?" "Is my marriage worth saving?"

Do you want to answer with what you know now, limited knowledge...or do you want to answer with what you'll know then?

LA