WH is planning on having the kids tomorrow. Taking them for the day. He buys them stuff, takes them places...skating etc., out to eat etc.

When the kids come home they expect me to do the same...buy them things, eat out.

I've explained to them Dad hasn't given me any $$, I can't do that.

They get mad and my youngest throws a tantrum.

I think youngest is just confused with the upcoming D, WH living in his own place with OW etc.

I've talked to WH and he says he's taking the kids out to do stuff. I've told him to try and limit his spending on them, but he doesn't. Sometimes I think he thinks it's a competiton, to see which one of us can give the kids a better time.

I almost hate for WH to take the kids, because I know what's going to happen when they get home.


I dread tomorrow.

Of course its a competition ! Your WH can buy some silence of his screaming conscience when he buys your kids pretend good parenting.

Its completely unconscionable IMO.

How old are your kids ? Maybe you could suggest to them that they ask daddy why he doesnlt giv emommy enough money to treat them, when he is clearly leaving plenty for himself ?

Thats not manipulating the kids - its a valid question he should answer to the kids IMO.

Thinking of you...

Bob

The kids: When the kids come home they expect me to do the same...buy them things, eat out.

Mom: We dont have to have MONEY to have fun! (Making cookies doesn't cost much, home crafts, playing games together, water balloon fights with MOM and climbing trees )

What kids really want is YOUR ATTENTION. Dont compete with spending...or you risk teaching the kids that is what it is about.

I come from divorced parents. Dad spent a lot of money, mom spent a lot of time. Its the time that builds the bonds. Rest assured the spending bit will wear out and that alone will not build a lasting healthy relationship.

Just focus on you and your activities with them. Express that it is great they get to do those exciting things with Daddy, and you will get to do creative and exciting things too...just different ones. (PLEASE dont involve your kids with discussions about "your dad hasnt given me any money" it only hurts them! Come here to get out your frustration--but dont involve your kids in it!)

Ahuman - that is really good advice.

Please repeat it often!

WAT

Dear Catgirl,

keep your cool.
Though it might seem possible to "buy" a child's love, it is my experience that it isn't their love you're buying. And that children do not RESPECT such a way to show love.

My first H had a son from a previous M (where he actually was the BS). He, and the child's grandmother, spoiled the child rotten because they felt sorry for him after the divorce. He just had to point his little finger to anything in the toy shop (every weekend) and he'd get it. When we went away on holidays, we "had" to go to the toy shop every day to buy something.

In hindsight, my XH simply didn't know how to express his love other than by buying things. He couldn't hug, kiss, say positive things.. And he was very self-centered. So buying things was an easy way to please his son.

I found this rather disturbing. At one point however, I found a solution. When our next 14-day holiday was coming up, and I would be taken on the dayly trips to the toy store (not that he actually played with the toys very much.. he just HAD to have them...) I suggested that we would give him a daily "allowance" and he would get to spent the money on what he wanted. This "allowance" was actually about 10% of what he normally would get from the store every day.

The son agreed, happy to have his own money. I observed him in the toy store when he didn't know I was watching him. He stopped and looked at something - at this point he normally would have demanded that daddy would buy him this - counted the money in his little hand, thought it over.. and moved on.

After that, the problem was solved.
What he actually got with this mini-allowance, was POWER.
He didn't have any power over his parent's divorce.
Or over their fights.
He intuitively found out he could use some "power" by manipulating adults into doing what he wanted - using their guilt.
And now the power balance was restored.

Many years later I met the son again. He was 27 at that time.
He said that I had been a better parent to him than his own father or mother.
And I certainly did NOT give in to his whims.
But I was there to really listen to him.
I showed him respect, and asked him to respect me.

Catgirl - put your chin up.
You do not have to compete with money.
Look for the things you can make your children happy with that don't cost anything.
Buying things is a quick fix.
Showing them and teaching them love and respect will make them RESPECT you.
I know this from experience.

Hugs (((((Catgirl)))))

Another thing..

To explain finances to son in a way he could understand, I saw to it that I had the amount of money in cash equal to a month's income for H and me.

I started putting it in little heaps, explaining to him what it was for.
"This is for rent.. for the car.. for gas... for food..." etc.
Finally, all the money was put into little heaps except for one little bundle.
"What's that?"
"That's your allowance!"

He never questioned my budget afterwards <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

My kids appraoched me about their mom spoending no time with them during her affair.

I discussed it with them and I told them to ask mommy if it was so iportant to them and I would back them up.

The kids delivered her a DEVASTATING verdict on her motherhood, and the kids weren't even fazed by her spiteful response at the time (" you'll get over it").

The kids are in this mess like it or not.

My own experience supports empowering teh kids to ask teh wayward parent about thing that are bothering them.

Ahuman and WATs clearly do not. Worked wonderfully in my case however.

You have several options catgirl.

Bob,just a thought:
I think right now Catgirl is made to be "the bad guy" by her WH.
In your case, you were the "good guy" as far as your kids were concerned.
That put you in much stronger position.

BH that is a very very good point that eluded me.

Thanks !

Thanks for all the advice!

I have told the kids that Daddy has the $$ now, so if they want something they need to ask him.

We go to court next week for temp. orders to be heard, so hopefully CS and visitation will be enforced. I have no $$

WH just came to get kids.

I do agree with Bob in that this is a way for him to ease his conscience. He has yet to tell the kids that he's not coming back and we are D'ing. I told him SEVERAL times that our DS (8) is havimg a very hard time with all of this. Acting out etc. He said per his lawyer he can't talk about anything. Bullsh**! He can't look the kids in the eyes and tell them what he did to their mother and them! So I told the kid kids myself. He did tell DD it's not what everyone thinks. He and OW are just friends. Sure! Friends that happen to be living together while each is married to OP! That was his extent on talking to the kids.

I'm getting very burnt out, and I know this is terrible to say, but it's just not fair that he comes and takes them one day a week and I have them 24/7. I'm starting to really resent that. He has no responsiblities, can come and go as he pleases, do whatever he wants in his life with OW, and I have to woryy abotu 2 kids. Wish I could eat out everynight like he is! Don't get me wrong, I would die for my kids, it's just why do I have to do it all? Mommy can I have lunch now, Mommy can you help me with this? While he's boinking OW I'm dealing with this crap. I never asked for this or to be a single parent. We created them together, he should be here taking care of them with me!

Just feeling sorry for myself I guess.

Well I have the house to myself for 5 hours. Maybe I'll go for a drive or take the dog for a long walk.

"I would die for my kids, it's just why do I have to do it all? Mommy can I have lunch now, Mommy can you help me with this? While he's boinking OW I'm dealing with this crap. I never asked for this or to be a single parent. We created them together, he should be here taking care of them with me".

This is not crap it is called raising kids.
One day when they are older and self sufficient you will look back and long for those days when they needed you so much.
Your husband is going to have a life full of regrets that he missed the most important part of their lives. It's the quality of time that means something, the scraped knees, the missed catch in T-Ball, the first day of kindergarten, the first crush and the first broken heart. These are the times they will remember and they will remember that it was you that held it together for them, that you kissed their tears away and they will love and honor you and the sacrifices you made.

Never discredit parenting like this for this is the foundation that you are building for them so they can be good people in their own adult grown up lives. They will not remember how many movies, dinners out and the toys bought at Toys R Us. They will remember your kisses, patience and hugs and support and TIME spend with them.

If you find this so difficult why not ask for shared custody so you will only have to "deal with this" half of the time.

Remember their is no guarantees in any marriage that you will be together forever until the end. What about the men that die in war? or from illness or other tragic misfortunes in life? Those woman have NO Father at all for their kids. At least he is STILL in their lives and that is the most important thing right now. How many men leave their wives and NEVER see their kids again.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start embracing loving those kids again.

SKB

I did not mean to come across as having kids was a burden to me. It's not.

It's just that WH is not taking any responsibility for them at all right now except to show them a good time. That is what angers me.

Their father is not dead from a war or from other misfortune. He made the choice to have an A and alter their lives by leaving them, to live with another woman. To let me take care of them while he is out living with her. That is what I think is wrong, and I resent. They are his kids too, but only if it is convenient for him to see them or take them places. I have no choice. I have to be there for them whether it is convenient for me or not. Yes it is called being a parent, but so is he!

Custody issues will be brought up in court next week.

i have the utmost respect for single parents!!! The energy it takes is unbelievable....hang in there!

Also, my comment above was not meant to imply that talking to the kids was not a good thing! My advice was more about filtering your own anger at their dad and involving them in divorce issues adressed between you two.

Each time children hear an angry statement about the other parent, they internalize the statement and it becomes as if you are saying the remark about a piece of THEM (the child)...afterall he is still their dad (even if he is being a poor one right now). Just food for thought. I am not saying you did say something bad. It must be so hard under the A circumstances!!!

It must be very very difficult to support all of your own personal heart ache about the loss of your M and family along with the stress of managing the details of daily life....while trying to keep dishing out the love for the little ones...spinning plates is what I imagine.

BTW I think it is TOTALLY normal to want a break! Do you have anyone who can help you?
Hang in there! Happiness really is over the horizon.

Hi Catgirl, I completely understand your sentiment. We are only 4 days into the divorce proceedings, and already I resent that dad gets to do the ~fun~ things with kiddies, and I do all the scut work.

Dad even took them to Disney animal kingdom with his 21 year old wench (long story, see my thread) so kiddies have come to associate daddy with fun and games.

I let WH come to the house today to cook pancakes for breakfast with the kiddies. Something he always does. This time, I said, I'm going out while you do this, but the kitchen better be clean when I come home. Usually, they make a huge mess, have a great time, and guess who cleans up?

Daddy just took the kiddies out yesterday and spent hundreds on new surfboards (DDis 9, DSis5) so I said, this is gonna get expensive, if we keep this up. Hopefully he'll dial it down, but well see.

Anyway, wanted to let you know I completely understand, and I don't have a solution, either.

Sit your little ones down and let them know that their dad owes $$ to the family so the family will have a place to live. Is this exposure? Yes tied to reality.

Then let them know they can ask their dad for $$. Let them ask as much as they want. Let them know when they get the $$, some of it has to be turned into the family to pay for their living expenses. Keep track of what you keep for the family vs what they get to keep as play $$.

What will this do? This will for 1 drain his $$ resources a bit. Better it go to the kids than to the A.

If it puts him at a crossroads where he doesn't have enough $$ for the A vs the children.....let him deal with that. I the meantime you will have been able to get some $$ for your family.


JMHO,
L.

"Then let them know they can ask their dad for $$. Let them ask as much as they want. Let them know when they get the $$, some of it has to be turned into the family to pay for their living expenses. Keep track of what you keep for the family vs what they get to keep as play".


Geez, what horrible advice, that is what the court system is for. Children should not be placed into the middle of adult issues like that.
If the children have needs like clothes, school supplies, medicine, dental, eye glasses, etc.. the ex wife should give a list to the ex until the child support is nailed down.
NEVER place the kids into the middle like this.

Think that's bad advice? Rather the children NOT have $$ like a few WS' have done here?

U r correct that the children should NOT be put in the middle. The children are already in the middle of this mess. To ignore their needs in an effort to 'NOT put them in the middle', the parent has essentially made their children a target of the WS mindsync. The WS has cast his own flesh and blood aside for a stranger.

Before you cast that stone, think real hard. Then take a look at the WS' who have not only physically abandoned their children but left them destitute. Out of on the street with no home and no means of support.

You have seen WS' do that to their families, haven't you? If not, maybe you ought to before you call this 'horrible advice'.

Will your WS be that way? Who knows? If he/she does that, r u prepared?

L.