Hey all,

I am in desperate need of some encouragement. Quick take:3 month A (I know it is not long), WS has left home to live with OM.

Right now, I see that this could have been with any other OM not just this guy. I am starting to believe that Divorce is the answer. She doesn't want it.

Is this fog talk?: I said, that the kids can't meet him or I will get an order of protection (part of the sep agreement). She said, eventually they will have to meet him.

Or is it a sign that I should just end it.

I really need some help staying true to the course.

Thanks

Brian

Don't pay attention to anything she says and don't talk divorce unless you are ready to just end it. Just stick to your plan and protect your kids otherwise.

I am hoping this is just one of those days. I see some cracks, but even those that want her out, are saying I am too easy. I have to be firm ala the carrot and the stick.

I am being too easy about the sep. She wants out, so she should get her stuff out. Should I drop her health insurance if she can get none of her own?

One big thing that drove me nuts on the Sep agreement was that she wanted to focus mostly on how she may return to the marriage...but does that just mean she wants to make it easy for herself to return should things not work out with mr wonderful?

thorstein, can you explain what you mean about the seperation agreement and her return to the marriage? What does it say about that? Have you signed this?

No not yet. In fact I took it out. BUT, basically it was a clause that stipulated the conditions in which she could return to the marriage. It included No Contact and that she might have to leave her job to achieve it.

She said she didn't want to leave her job because she loved it and loved the people that work there.

She wanted it revised but then I said, I will take it out all together.

You know what? Pretty soon here you will need to go into Plan B and your letter will have to say EXACTLY THAT. Are you aware of that?

OK. I think you are right. Why is this so hard? Thanks,

Good night, I need to rest.

Brian

What? She does not want a divorce but goes and leaves her children to live with the OM? She negotiates a separation agreement to make sure she can come back to the marriage with you if her OM dumps her? Are you saying she is allowed to abandon you and your children and go live and screw with her lover; and then decide when and if if ever she will come back to the marriage?....What? You continue to pay her bills and insurance while she gets to live with her lover?....What? This is insane. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Are you saying you are the doormat guy? If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would accept these actions from you without consequences? I do hope I am misreading this but you would have to be in a major fog not to understand what is happening. Please see an attorney to understand your legal responsibilities and options in order to protect yourself and your children. This sounds just so ridiculous.

Thorstein, you are not paying her bills or giving her money, are you?

boundaries my dear.

It is hard thorstein when your emotions are in overdrive.

do not listen to the aliens. they LIE! they say anything to get their way...which is a cakeating double life.

please learn plan a...memorize CARROT AND STICK....and if no change in 3 to 6 mos...plan B.

don't freak out...YOU HAVE A PLAN! You are prepared. Just turn the emotions down a bit and try to think through. Do not interact w/the alien unless you're able to be completely calm. Never let an alien see you sweat or they will try to control the sitch. Never let the alien be in control. YOU SET THE PARAMETERS AND THE BOUNDARIES.

she goes off to live w/OM and leaves the M and the kids? SHE LOSES. SHE IS NOT CALLING THE SHOTS ANYMORE...THORSTEIN IS. Until you get emotionally stronger and are able to EXECUTE the plan A...carrot and stick, just hole up for a day or so. Get your plan ready to work..figure out who to expose the A to. And set off when you have the proverbial "second wind" of strength.

god bless you.

you knew when she moved out it was gonna be tough so you got to roll with the punches right now
living together while shes in an affair is not healthy and i feel this is the only way to save it
im going through the same thing and my wife has been gone since memorial day and we dont even talk she dont let me in her life at all except when we have to take care of money matters
my hope is that in time this gives me time to rethink everything and heal and change and gives her time to see the real damage god made this all happen to us for a reason but we have to find our own way and this site will give us strengh we need to survive
u feel down read mywifeiloves thread itll take a while to read it all but when your done you will see that if you put your mind to it and truly follow the advice of harley itll be all good.youll make it out alive i promise but god forbid it didnt in 5 years email me and tell me how happy you are i bet youll be happier than ever hopefully with her but happier than ever

JM75,

Hey man I am really proud of where you have come from and just wanted to tell you that!.

Thor,

Listen to Peachy and others. Set those boundaries. You have to be logical not emotional right now. She's already reserved the complete emotional approachs someone has to be 'the thinker' for now in this crazy time. Work the MB plan, set boundaries, no cake eating, document everything (time with the kids, her actions, words, record everything, and so on) in case it comes to protecting your children from her self destructive behavior. Trust in the Lord and lean on him and other friends that are here for you to help prop you up when you feel down.

The only thing that I cover is her health insurance. Whether she is on it or not, it doesn't cost me a dime. She works per diem and cannot get health insurance. The health insurance is paying for the birth control pill.

Her biggest fear is that I will take the kids from her: I can't do that because, it happened with my parents.

Her parents are completely on my side and are angry with her. She pays me $250 per paycheck or $500 per month child support.

Her leaving has really upset me and I am all over the board emotionally. I am on anti-d's and they do work.

Exposure has been done, I have Plan A'd and she took EN questionnaire but didn't put sex as her top priority though it is one of the top five. She knows I have changed. She hates not seeing the kids, especially this past (and 1st) weekend since I have them all to myself. I get to see them everyday when I get up, she watches them while I work. I have access to her cell phone records and email. The affair has been known about since the beginning.

I told her that further negotiations will have to be done via letter writing. I can't negotiate with her standing right there, because what she says sounds so logical. Then I come here and you guys give me a wake up call, that I thank you for.

I am slowly working things. For instance, her parents are spending the night at my house with my kids. She wanted to sleep here too those nights (on the couch.) Nope. I told her how she missed the first time her son went poop on the potty.

I really have to learn patience. Affair is still young compared to many MB vets and getting her out was part of the stick.

Thank you all for responding. I am completely the other way today: wanting to save the marriage. Plan B is coming soon for my own sanity.

Her friend just called and asked for her. I asked if she forgot that my wife doesn't live here. She said don't be rude, I'll call her cell and then hung up. Weird.

Tell "friend" that when she stops emotionally or otherwise supporting, encouraging and helping your wife have an affair that is destroying your family you will try and be less rude, until then she will not be spoken to as someone who has your family's best interest at heart.

hehe I just got Love Must be Tough by Dobson and am already on p 40. Good stuff so far and I think the perfect book in my sitch.

Thanks.

happy to see you back in focus ,that is how i was feeling in the begining and still some days now,but get your head up again and back in the fight <you cant win if you give up>

What do you know about OM?

That is where I would really start to plan my next course of attack. If you have an opening there, that is the avenue to persue...

-hang in there

I know this much: He works with her, was married to a woman by the same name and was involved with another married woman-conclusion: predator.

He constantly asked about the state of our marriage. He has had 18 different addresses in the past 2 years. WS response, "Yeah, so..." and other stupid rationalizations.

I have exposed to their boss who basically said he can do nothing other than monitor their work and take action if it suffers. However, WS wanted a full time position (she works per diem) and was passed up for someone else. I truly believe they passed on her because she is having an affair. The only opening I have on him is that he is afraid for his life right now. I have never talked or threatened. It is my older brother who is hurt by this and he works construction.

So all of his construction buddies know my kids, me and my WS. The lovebirds can't go out in public for fear that a violent confrontation will take place.

WS asked what kind of car a friend drove. I asked why? OM wouldn't answer door when someone rang his bell. Exposure works in the strangest ways. But I refuse to get pulled in to that.

I have kids to worry about.

Again, thanks JM. If our marriages survive this, I'll have to bring her down to NYC and take us all out for a beer.

Thanks all. That book is a little heavy on the Christian references, so it is hard for a non Christian to wade through that, but the basic tenets make sense and can work for anyone.

He differs from Harley in his view of exposure. He wants exposure to just people of influence. He also pushes conflict, but I think one important thing I am gaining is how I should act toward my spouse - confident and willing to let her go free. She seemed confused today after she left (she watches the kids) and I just said, "see ya." Instead of the emotional conversations we have been having.

Anyone familiar with the book?

Anyway,

Thanks again.

you know our story is getting similiar almost to the point where its scary!!!!!!!
the guy my wife is having an affair with is scared to walk out his door to ,when people hear about things like this and care for us its inevitable that their going to react and to tell you the thruth i wont get involved phschlyy bbutt if thats part of the game and you dont like it then they should not be in that game you know what i mean......
and however our sitiuations turn out when this is done where gonna have a beer or 2 ,3,4 etc.just for what we know we achieved if we win great if we lose we will be winners anyway trust me im the same way like you right now./1 day inspired and the next depressed but where not taking the steriod route <meaning shortcut>were men real men cause we should of walked first and the girls shouldve been the ones planning but were stand up guys and stand up guys are respected keep it in mind

and by the way if we truly follow the method that harleys teach ,and all these wonderful people who care enough to help us ,,,,,when we do have these beers in ny or nyc well be going with our wives too
we gotta be positive baby .mind over matter, when people keep negative thoughts in the head negative stuff begins ....
lets work ourselves over like boxers do..blood sweat and tears, our wives and the other guys wont be trained the way we will and we will prevail.