Does any other wife out there have difficulty enjoying intimate relations with hubby? I have lost all desire whatsoever. I buy lingerie for him, I try to stay fit, I try new things with him, etc. Nothing works. I just don't enjoy it. I have to remind myself to ask if he wants it. That's what we've come down to. He either tells me he wants it or I have to ask if he wants it. Nothing is spontaneous. We even try to be romantic. He cheated on me a long time ago, so now I feel anxious if he doesn't ask for it. So then I offer myself more often. He is starting to not like it because I don't enjoy it. There's nothing about it that I like. It makes me feel dirty. How can I change? How I can I make it better? I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life.

I can’t help you with your issue directly, but I can tell you what it might feel like to be on the other side of this issue (hopefully this is not out of line, as I am new here).

I am here looking around because I have a wife that simply is not interested in sex.

I am always attentive of her needs when we do make love, but she will never initiate love making, and will decline 9/10 times if I initiate – often by just changing the subject or continuing to talk while I am trying to be intimate, until I just give up in frustration.
When she does agree, I feel that this is more our of obligation than because she actually wants to, and this makes me feel terrible. Many times I will opt not to continue, because I don’t want her doing it because she feels she has to. This means one of the following things will then happen:

a) We will not make love and I will end up feeling frustrated
b) We will make love, and then I end up feeling like a heel for ‘making’ her do that (less so she reaches fulfillment)
c) We don’t make love and she gets very angry at me for rejecting of offer

The bottom line is that I am starting to question how long we can go on like this. I love my wife deeply, she is a fantastic women, intelligent, caring and a great mother of our 3 children. I find myself feeling depressed and avoiding her, mostly because she is going to ask why I am looking glum. I don’t lie so I can either say nothing or tell her the truth. We have been through this numerous times. She then either gets upset or offers to make love that evening – which goes back to the ‘sex for obligation’ thing which I detest.

I am here because I am trying to find out what we can do about it. If you find an answer to your problem, perhaps she can try the same thing.

Hopefully this helps in some way, albeit not what you were looking for. Regardless, I hope you find some sort of peace soon.

Welcome, Wolf & Mand...

Have you read all the articles on this website about Emotional Needs (ENs), Love Busters (LBs), the Love Bank, etc.? And the states of marriage...Intimacy, Conflict and Withdrawal?

I ask because Sexual Fulfillment (SF) is an emotional need...not a physical act...Mand...finding out why you feel what you feel...is up to you. It's about you, not him. And it's important because you are a whole person, not broken, or needing to be fixed...and only you can know you...tell me why SF isn't an EN for you...what it represents to you...and maybe you can find your way...

Wolff...I would ask you the same questions...what does it represent...and what state of marriage do you believe you're in right now?

I can share with you that LB's matter a lot in marriage...finding your own is critical to you and the marriage...each LB takes away 20 deposits (your mileage may vary slightly)...so you being attentive to her needs while making love...does not address meeting her ENs when not making love...and you're the one here...so this would be about you, not her...because she isn't here.

Neither of you are wrong...or doing wrong...both of you show bravery, commitment and honesty in your choice to post...

Take hope...you are not alone.

LA

No problem sharing.

I feel pretty good about my marriage and my wife in general. But we clearly have different needs.

I try to take pretty good care of my wife, even when we are not making love. I give her as much attention as I can, although I do realize that I sometimes (often) work long hours – I generally leave the house about 6.30 at get home around 7 or later.

Still, we talk a great deal, spend time just hanging out, have regular ‘dates’ where we will get a baby-sitter and go out together, I will send her flowers for no reason. Etc.

One problem we do have, though, is the 'interim intimacy'. A hug and a kiss – no problem. If I try to go any further than that, even if my intent is not to make love, and she seems to be uncomfortable with it.
This leads to the bad situation whereby when I do want to make love my foreplay is perceived as exactly that, in that I am ‘expecting’ more, and that can cause some difficulties.

I have seen the questionnaire and I am going to print out a copy for each of us when the time is right and get her to fill it out. I don’t think that will be a problem – I just want to make sure that I introduce it during a ‘good period’ so that it is not perceived as criticism.

Thanks for the info.

Wolf's situation sounds pretty much like mine. Except I am home earlier so have a little more time to help with the house and kids.

I read today that often times the desire for SF does not decrease much for men, but for women it is a common thing.

That of course dosn't fix the problem. And at least for me it is a problem, she could probably go forever without wanting SF.

It all makes for a very frustrating situation.