IF the time comes that she has done what she feels she needs to do within her M and decides to be divorced THEN you could entertain the idea of being together.

But should I destroy all relics of what we have done together to keep the memories from being brought up constantly in vivid detail before I walk out for good? It will force her to face her husband in the correct way, and get rid of the love bank that will rekindle when it is watched.

I have a delima on my hands that I could use some advice with. I am 29 years old and until my birthday I was a virgin. I have a friend (I call him a friend because I do not know what else to call him)

I think you would have called him a friend before you had an affair with his wife..you were giving him an ear and counsel with regard to his marital woes..sounds like there was at least SOME degree of intimacy between the two of you.

is having problems in his marriage. Mostly, he thinks this because of the lack of sex.

ok

He wears on his wife’s emotions until he gets what he wants, in this case it was fulfillment of their fantasies.

I'm going to stop you right there. I'm not going to bother arguing the point..this man well be using the very tactics you assert..but I am going to point out to you that AS a man who his having an affair with his wife..you have a vested interest in his failure and unworthiness as a husband. The truth of the matter is that the condition of their marriage is not and has never been any of your business.

He decided to invite me in to their marriage to fulfill her fantasy of being with two guys at the same time.

You say that HE decided..but really..THEY decided..she was on board..this was her fantasy being played out.

As I was still a virgin, the offer was not refused (unfortunately). We took pictures and made some videos, that I now regret to ever letting it be documented. But I am getting ahead of myself.

So they made a bad decision in asking a third person into their bed and you made a bad decision in accepting that offer..got it.


In this escapade, I was never able to reach orgasm (I believe it to be psycological), which made her feel inadequite as a woman. We began to have an affair under her husband’s nose. This has gone on for the past six months with the same results. We fell in love with each other over the months, but I could never ask her to leave her husband for me because I know that when times got rough she would never forgive me. I have hoped and dreamed of being with her because I truly love her and she deserves better than her current husband. Over the time that I have known them, I have seen the devestation that he causes.

See my above description of your investment of his failure as a husband and then view your laundry list of complaints with the knowledge that what you would really like is to replace him and him being awfull equals less guilty about what you are doing..have done..and would like to do in future. You are not a credible witness.


Her husband has an addiction to pornography, knows he does, but refuses to do anything about it. He fills her head full of lies about he will take the children from her if she divorces him because she is unfaithfull.

He can not fill her head with lies..we all choose what to believe and what to discard..you are doing it right now. The fact that she is an adulteress may very well hurt her in a custody battle..but that is a well known consequence of behavior that she is choosing..therefore she is CHOOSING to put herself in a weak position should they divorce.

He has also told her that he will never get divorced because he does not want to be the first person in his family to have a divorce.

He has told her he does not want to divorce ever. Shame on him [winks].

He is an ex-Marine and I feel that she is threatened by him. As far as I know, and have seen, he does not beat her.

So your accusation is immediately followed by your disclaimer. You have never seen him physically abuse her nor have you seen any evidence of battery while she was naked..but based on his former military status he certainly MUST be abusive because if he isn't a VERY bad man..then it really sullies your romance with his wife.

He just abuses her mentally by making her feel inadequate and tearing down her self-esteem saying that nobody else would want her. He is a hippocrite and a lier/decietfull man.

I would say that all three of you qualify under the above categories.

He ruins her, so that she won’t leave him. And he has based their whole marriage on sex.

You mean that sex you told us he wasn't getting way at the top of the post? The one where he agrees to allow another man into his bed to fullfill HER fantasy?

An example of his deciet: He once asked me why she would not believe him when he told her she was beautiful, and that he loved her. I told him it was mainly because of his porn. When we arrived back at his house, he took his wife in private and deleted his porn from their computer so she could witness it firsthand. She perked up like I have never seen. He even got lucky in the bedroom that night. But the very next day he started loading porn back on the computer, but he hid it where he thought she would never find it. She didn’t know where it was kept, but she knew what he was doing. Once again, marriage-on-the-rocks and more pain for his wife.

Sounds like a man who has two known issues. One a possible addiction to porn conflicting with a desire to please his wife. Out of curiosity..while we are listing deceit..had the two of you begun your affair at that point?


She went home on vacation recently and when she came back, she just kept pushing me away. I knew what was going on, so I finally got her to talk to me.

You knew she was having some doubts so you pushed and pushed and pursued her despite having it made obvious that she was trying to avoid you and distance herself from you until YOU wore her down and got what you wanted...isn't that the method you claim to have objected to?

She said that she finally awoke to what she was risking with her children, and that she wished not to continue our affair so that she could try to save her marriage.

She weighed the risks with the benefits and chose to walk away from you.

I can respect that

Do so.

, And I know what I must do for her to achieve that, but she will not let me.

She does not control your actions or decisions any more than you control hers.

I told her that before I left, I would destroy all materials that had me involved, but she won’t let me because she knows her husband will get suspicious and she does not want to tell him of our affair.

Her H has a right to know what the two of you have been doing. Not only should you not aid her in concealment..you should tell him yourself.

I told her that I would have to leave and never see either of them again, I would have to cut all contact, but once again she won’t let me because she does not want him to get suspicious.

Then remove that fear by making it a reality. Once there is nothing to hide she won't care if you leave..in fact she'll be furious..she'll probably WANT to cut contact with you..this IS your goal..right?

I need to leave for my own sake and hers

100% TRUE

, if she truly wants to try to save her marriage. I want to help her, but it is killing me. I cannot help the way I feel about her, and it leaves to much room for me to put pressure on her if I stay. And I can not stand to see him treat her like he does.

OK let's talk about your feelings for a minute..and pay attention because this is the only consideration I am going to give them. You openned a door when you agreed to take part in an inappropriate situation. As a result you have developed some very unhealthy but also very powerfull feelings. This is very akin to drug adiction. You know that it was wrong to do it..you know that it was wrong to continue it..but it FELT so good to do so that you have just gotten out your shovel and dug that hole deeper and deeper. Do you see the linear and formulaic progression of bad choices and bad results? What your feelings are telling you to do..is to do whatever it takes to sustain them right wrong or indifferent..yet your ability as a functional adult to see the connections and choice points must surely be telling you that every step you have taken in this direction has been destructive and has put all people involved in an increasingly bad position.


She has been using me as a “crutch” to help her cope with her failing marriage, and now she wants to move back near her family. I feel that they will be her next “crutch” to deal with her failing marriage.

This may well be true..buther motives and such are really not your concern. You are going to have to come to terms with the fact that you have allowed yourself to become part of a triangle when it would have been well advised to keep your distance.


She has told me several times that she is doomed to a life of misery with her husband, but I know it does not have to be that way for her.

Actually..she is an adult. She can make a choice to have an affair..she can make a choice to leave her marriage..and let's not forget..she has an investment in the awfullness of her marriage as well..because..what perceptions do you think she wuld have of her behavior if she did NOT justify that behavior with the state of her marriage?

I am willing (reluctantly) to let her go, but I want her to be happy in her life.

Her happiness in life is not something that is within your control. We all wish for people we care for to be happy..but it is very disrespectfull of her to tie yourself to that outcome or believe that you can CAUSE that outcome. She is the person who will determine the course of her life and she is the person who will live with the results of those decisions

Even if she did not come to me, I wish she would leave him.

Of course..because he's just TERRIBLE. I wonder if you are really able to take a step back and SEE just how INVESTED you are in this perception. A LOT of your justification rests on it. If you want to become healthy..this is one of the things you will have to challenge. You have WRONGED this man..you have lied..and stolen from him..whether he is a good man or a bad one this is what YOU have done. The final analysis will be determined by what sort of a man you BELIEVE yourself to be. Are you a good man? Are lying and stealing the actions of a good man? Is it OK to harm people if you don't like them?


I did so many things for her during the affair to show her my love, but she has chosen to let me go.

Yes..affairs are built on mutual sacrifice..look at all I have done/given up for you..and you are COORECT in thinking that when times get tough..she will absolutely resent those sacrifices.

I feel so depressed right now, that I really need to get away,

This depression is legit and chemical..it is called withdrawl. Antidepressants can be very helpfull while you go through the letting go process...talk to your doctor.

but when she asks me to do something for her, I can’t help but do it for her because I love her so much. I am beginning to feel very used. I need to leave, but I stay because I love her so much. I know that in time I will heal from the emotional wounds, but I cannot start to heal until I have cut all contact with her.

Actually you stay because you are addicted to the chemical high of the affair. Contact with her sustains and actually drags out withdrawl indefinitely. You can't break the addiction and recover from the withdrawl until and unless you remove all contact with her. This will have to be your choice and your decision that you make and enforce regardless of her whims.

And she cannot start to rebuild her marriage until she has disclosed what has happened. I don’t think she is willing to do that because I think she believes that he will try to kill me, and possibly her.

Fear is immobilizing. If you take a look around these boards and even read some posts I think you find a large percentage of people whose husbands and wifes have had affairs..and rather noticeably few homicides. People do not generally respond with our greatest fear..they are generally NOT raving lunatics. Will he be very ANGRY..sure..and why wouldn't he? Will he kill you both..I think that isn't very likely. Her fear of consequences is the result of her guilt and she has blown up a huge fantasy scenario in order to rationalize sidestepping consequences.

This is a bad situation and I need some advice. Someone please help me, and give me some advice I can leave with her before I leave. This is a very sad time for me, but if that is what she truly wants, I will leave out of my love for her, but I want it to be worth it. I do not want there to be any regrets on either side.