My divorce will be final mid-August. In the meantime, our house has been on the market for just over 2 weeks now and I've spent time out of town to get away from it all. This also free's up the house for people to look at it. My wife is still around and checks in on the house, but is still living out at her parents.

ANYWAY...I will get straight to my point. Tonight the realtor called and we have an offer on the house. He said he tried to call my wife's cell phone and got no answer. He then called her parents, and they said they didn't know where she was.

I know, deep in my heart, she is with her ex-high school boyfriend. Long story short, I realized she was getting involved with him during our separation of 5+ months. All I know is that it was an EA, but I'm sure it has got physical.

My point being, I know or can feel she is with him and it just HURTS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> All I can picture is them together with friends, having a good time, getting physical, etc. It just pains me. I have been nothing but nice to my wife during our separation and have done everything I know (along with help from MB) to save our marriage. I made the mistake in our marriage to make her feel "alone" when I was dealing with my own anxieties and problems. This took it's toll...but instead of confronting me with how she felt, she just pretended it would go away. So now, to her, divorce is the way. She still says she loves and cares for me, but obviously not enough to be married to me.

I know I shouldn't let my mind get away from me...but it just really hurts to know that she is sharing herself with someone else. Especially a guy, that I know has much less to offer than I do...I don't mean to be big headed, but I know the guy. The only thing he and I DON'T have in common is getting wasted by drinking and socializing all the time...which my wife also enjoys. I don't. And I think that is what is winning her over.

But I think that level of "fun" can only last for so long.

All I know is that this sucks, this horrible feeling, this helplessness, this feeling of her being intimate with this other guy BEFORE we are even officially divorce, etc.

Just makes me sick...

Sorry, I had to vent! I appreciate you if you have read this far.

I'm sorry, it stinks! What have you done for YOU lately?

<sighs>

So sorry to hear about your pain Paul.

Truly does suck. Please allow yourself to go through the natural stages of grieving.

If you feel like being pi$$ed then be pi$$ed. Let it out.
You wanna cry or scream or whatever then do it.

Do yourself a favor. Once in awhile tell yourself you're better without her. That the direction she's chosen for her life would be a large LB to you doing forward and the M would have failed anyway. Be angry with her if that's what it takes so as not to just blame yourself.

Also, try to stop speculating. OK. Yes, she may be with this OM but she could just be with friends in a place where she doesn't have service, etc. Don't keep whacking at yourself with thoughts of her and the other man. If they are together then they deserve each other. A couple of despicable cheaters. Who needs 'em.

Sorry, I'm a little fiesty today. Hope you find some comfort somewhere for yourself Paul. Try to look forward to something. Something that will replace what you had.

Got to go. Hope you are doing OK.

Thank you MyAlias,

You have been a real trooper and friend to me with all your advice and help over the months. I appreciate it more than you know. Thank you.

Things are so strange right now. I just spent two weeks back at home (my parents) in my hometown. During that time, I did not have much contact with my wife who has been living at her parents now for half a year. But when we did email, at first the emails were very friendly and we both admitted we still love and care for each other and will miss each other. I was surprised at the very kind words my wife said.

Then I went dark on her for a long time. If I did email her, it was strictly about selling the house, etc. I left all personal stuff out.

She noticed.

Then she started asking in emails if I was "okay" and that I seem to be "evasive" towards her. I never did respond to those. GIMME A BREAK! Of course something is wrong! Do I really need to explain what is wrong?

ANYWAY...I'm back at our house after two weeks away. We just sold our home earlier this week. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I thought it would be a relief, but it made me really sad. I did get a 6-month lease in an apartment here in the same town. I'm STILL debating moving back to my hometown of only 7000 people. BUT...I'm not sure if that will REALLY help me grow independent again and also, I fear getting bored and that I'm going "backwards".

Really...right now, NOWHERE feels good to be honest.

Wow, Divorce is THE hardest thing I've ever faced. I can't believe how fearful I am about life now and how low my self-esteem and self-worth are.

I really set myself up for a big downfall because when I was married, I focused my life around my wife only. I cut off any friends or possiblilites of friends. Needless to say...I'm REALLY lonely now. It is my own fault. So I'm really starting over from scratch. I, at least, have a couple of friends around that are supportive even though they are much older than me.

Sorry for my rant...that is where I stand.

I don't see how people deal with divorce AND young kids. I just can't imagine.

I've got a long road ahead of me, no doubt about it.

Paul - Let me tell you that my marriage ended because I didn't want to go out to the bars, party all of the time, and socialize with people who meant nothing to me. My husband really resented me for that and I know that is why my marriage ended. I guess we were two different people wanting different things out of life - I wanted a husband and a family life and he wanted to party and for me to escort him to the bars. Needless to say, during our seperation, he found someone else and I imagine it is someone who enjoys partying and escorting him to the bars.

It will take time before things get easier. I know that sounds so cliche, but it is true. I am still not over it and don't think I will ever be or at least not for a long time. It is a very difficult thing to go through and it certainly helps talking to other people who have been going through the same thing. Believe me - I know how you feel!

Wow LilyGrace,

Honestly, my wife loves to drink with family and friends. In fact, almost EVERY social situation had to involve alcohol. AND...she could never just have one beer, or even two. AND...each "outing" kept going and going, she wanted to stay to very end of any event. This could go on for hours.

I used to do these things with her, then I stopped doing it. This made her feel alone and single. Now, I know I should have done more with her socially, BUT...I think the underlying reason I didn't do more was because it just wasn't my thing...the drink after drink, social thing.

I have NO doubt this is the big reason that she took off (she says she felt alone for so long and "checked out" on me), BUT...I also think she realized that I'm never going to be that "type" of person and that is why she never even gave our marriage a working chance.

Basically, a conflict of interests.

Now she is with her old high school flame, a drinker, socializer with her family, etc. They all live in the same small, small town together. My wife is drinking with the same people she drank with and hung out with in high school...AND back in the exact same town, AND living at her parents house. It is like Deja Vu really.

I still love her very much though because she IS a kind-hearted and sweet person. But the drinking, the lack of communication and commitement, drive on her part...and the social atmosphere she is sucked into out in that small town is just too controlling on her. She just can't break free and, I don't think, really wants to. It is all fun, booze, friends and family...like the ol' days.

I need someone who will REALLY commit through thick and thin, who will work with me on issues and talk to me, and most of all, work together in love and friendship instead of just bailing.

I'm not a big drinker, not a big socializer, more introverted and driven, etc. We were definetely opposites, that is for sure.

I appreciate your post LilyGrace. It really helps me very much!

PaulD - I am glad to help! I know it hurts because I am so hurt myself after all that has transpired. I, til this day, can't believe that drinking and socializing was that important to my ex - over his own wife! You also said something that him home when you said:

BUT...I also think she realized that I'm never going to be that "type" of person and that is why she never even gave our marriage a working chance.

That is so true because I really believe my ex believed the same thing. He constantly through up in my face that he wanted to have parties, go to parties, and go to the bars every once in a while. However, the truth of the matter was he wanted that to be his lifestyle and he just wouldn't admit it. At one time he admitted that he was an alcoholic and then he said he wasn't. That he just wanted to get out of the house every once in a while. It was sad though because his only interest was drinking and going to the local dive bars. I just don't get where that is so much fun. And I certainly don't see where that was good for a marriage.

At one time, I went to the bars with him. But, when he started get totally obnoxious with me and saying awful things about my family and i, I quit going.

It's been quite a while now since we have been apart and I am still not over it. This is one of the most painful things I have ever had to deal with. Especially since I know he has had someone else since the day he told me he wanted a divorce. So hang in there my friend because you are not alone <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

So, it sounds like you have no children. You're out of town quite a bit - is that work related?

If you had no restraints holding you to a certain place, where would you want to live? What would you want to do?

Thats a great question cinderella. Paul, here's my measley advice, take it with a grain of salt:

Take some time to ask yourself if it is the woman you are mourning, or the life you thought you had. There is a subtle difference. If its the life, then you have complete carte blanche to start trying again. When I divorced my first wife I wasted two YEARS spinning my wheels doing nothing. If its the woman, then time will heal... (the advice everyone gets but no one believes.). Paul, breathe, and make sure you are asking yourself the right questions. I feel for you buddy!

Peter

Here is my dilemma right now, and maybe some of you can advise me...

My income is made on the Internet, I have several internet businesses. This means, I can travel or live wherever I want. Now the town my wife and I lived in is around 150,000 people. I've been here for nearly 7 years. I came here after college with nothing really except 1-2 friends here that I knew. Over those next few years, I finally got a good job, finally met my wife, bought our first house, created my online businesses, etc. I had worked hard to achieve what I had created for myself.

But now...it has all been pulled from under me. The woman I loved is days away from divorcing me because she felt lonely and never told me that...so she "checked out" on me. Drinking and socializing became important to her. I admit, I did take her for granted and should have done more things, but I was always loving and respectful. During the last couple of years, I battled chronic anxiety...esp. social anxiety. Still working on that.

Anyway, so now I'm in a 6-month lease at an apartment in the same town. I feel like I'm back to square one...just like when I first came here. But this time, I'm just not motivated to start over in this same town. That leads me to option B...

My hometown of 6000 people. It is a quiet town where my Mom and Dad still live. I have a couple friends there. As far as opportunites to meet new people or a new mate, there is less.

But...right now, I'm just seeking comfort to heal. Each day I continue to debate about moving back there. My Mom and Dad are in their late 60's and early 70's. It would be nice to be in my hometown again and be around them as well as my best friend from high school...along with others I might meet.

It is a tough call. Any ideas? Thoughts? Emotionally for me, it is SO difficult to stay here in the same town my wife and I lived in.

Lastly, I talked to my wife over the phone last week. I needed to ask her some things about the sale of our house. We hadn't talked in weeks. She ended up talking to me for over 40 minutes, was very sincere and friendly, and I even made her laugh. She said, "It is so nice to talk to you" and she just continued to talk about stuff. At one point I said, "I do miss you" and she said the same...then the phone got quiet and you could tell she was crying. She also said she broke down when she heard our house had sold and she signed the paperwork. Also, she said she isn't going to go to her HS 10 year reunion next month because "she feels like a failure because she is now divorce and living at her parents".

I just don't get it. We talked like we had never split...but yet, she still wants the Divorce.

Anyway, if you have some thoughts on my post, please chime in. I'm in a situation where I'm lost, confused, very hurt, and undecided if I should move or not.

Thanks!

Paul


Well, you have a 6-month lease. You may as well try where you're at for 6 months and see if you can network around, make some friends, etc.

After that, if you still feel the pull to go home, then why not do it? Do you know all 6,000 people? If not, then there are, perhaps, more opportunties to meet new people through networking. (Your mother's friend's aunt's niece... or something like that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )


What confuses you, Paul?

I think your wife is sad about the divorce. Haven't you ever done something you felt you had to do, didn't really want to do, were sad about, but still were determined to do it?

I don't think your wife hates you -- anymore than you hate her. I suspect that there are still a lot of unresolved feelings between you. She seems to have abruptly dropped her whole life and just run away.

I think (and I've thought) that your wife has just become convinced that the two of you are not a good match -- you're not compatible -- you can't make each other happy. Based on some of what you've said about her preferences (partying, socializing, drinking) and your preferences (not doing all of that) -- she may have a point. That is not to say that I think it's impossible for you two to work it out, it's just to say that you two seem to have some pretty far apart ideas of recreational companionship.

I'm not even sure where halfway would be for the two of you. Ya know?

I don't think she wants to treat you unkindly. I think she'd probably like to maintain a friendship with you though I'm not sure that's a good idea for YOU (emotionally). I think for your sake you should keep your distance after the divorce. She sounds like she's moved on to dating or at least going out and having fun and I know that's been very hard for you to watch.


Give it till the end of your lease. If nothing's changed since then -- if you're still socially isolated and haven't been able to make an effort to get out and meet any people -- then GO! Worst case scenario, you move back to the city after another 6 months or a year.

Mys

Her reasoning for the divorce is that I made her feel alone and also, she said she thinks our personalities are too different. It's funny after being together for 5 years, all of a sudden she thinks we are too different.

So then I asked her..."Ok, personality differences aside, what if I wouldn't have made you feel so alone, and was more loving, etc. Do you think it would have worked out between us?"

She said "Yes".

So by this response, it sounds like we could have met in the middle and if I could have been more loving and there for her, we might not be in this mess. Who knows.

As far as moving, it is a tough call. I'm not sure I want to even be here for the full 6 months. I guess what I can do is stick to it for a while and see if I get over this "hump" and see if things get better. I honestly just don't have much desire to start all over again in this town and would rather be around the comfort of my hometown and parents. The only thing that scares me is would I eventually get really bored in the tiny town and feel like I'm just moving backwards and regret not giving it more time here.

Tough situation all the way around.

I do think my wife's comments are sincere and she does still care and love for me a lot. I don't think she would be crying so easy when I say things like, "I still miss you" or when she talks about selling the house. She even says everything in her life somehow reminds her of me and us and it saddens her. As much as I would like to stay best friends, it just can't happen emotionally for me.

I really think if there is EVER a chance for us to get back together, there has to be a real gap in space and time between us. This will allow her to think about what she had and how it is gone.

For me, I have to move on, as hard as it is. What makes it so hard is that I still love her so much and I do feel she still loves and cares for me. I really do feel she has enough love there that if we TRIED to work together, I think it would work out...but she has, for some reason, just checked out and doesn't think it will work.

I doubt it was 'all of a sudden.' These things usually take time to happen. I don't get the impression you were withdrawn for a week and she left. Ya know what I mean?


Yeah, I think you two could (have) found a middle.


Right, so since you're not sure, why break your lease early? Why not just give it a little time and see if you can motivate yourself to get out a little. I know that's hard for you, but it's probably a really good idea given the way you described that you isolated yourself.

If this decision is this hard for you to make right now, then that means you're not really enthusiastic about moving. Maybe if you wait a few months, you'll find somewhere even more attractive to you to move.

Right now, the wounds are too fresh. Just try to be patient and let them heal a bit before you go off and running.


Wise decision. You need some distance to heal. I think she'll care enough about you to understand that. It's sad, of course, but this whole situation is too.


Move on as though this is it -- that way you won't pine and linger any more than you have to. Grieving is normal. The object should be to put this behind you; lay it to rest. Leave the future to the future.

Oh Paul, it's not 'for some reason' like an arbitrary roll of the dice. She's given you reasons -- I know because you typed them out here.

It doesn't mean you have to agree with her reasons. It doesn't mean you have to like her reasons. But, you have some misgivings of your own.

Take care of yourself and try to do something nice for yourself.

Mys