I still see a few familiar user names on here...even though I haven't popped in for quite a long time.

The reason I came on back to MB to surf around a bit is because today I found out my exH is getting married in a couple of months. I figure only some of you on here would truly understand the bizarre mix of emotions this stirred up in me today (unlike my family and friends).

I haven't had any desire to be with my exH for a VERY long time, but it still kind of knocked the wind out of me to find this out today. It just leaves me feeling a bit extra frustrated about my long time single status. I no longer miss my ex, but I do miss being in a loving relationship with someone.

As some of you may or may not recall, my exH had what I thought at the time were 2 EAs during our marriage. Shortly after our divorce was final, I had some friends come forward and share with me that they'd seen him being physically affectionate in public with one of these women WHILE we were still married, not even separated yet. I also got some phonecalls from my exH shortly after the divorce was final because he'd finally gone for counselling, and he made some confessions and apologies, and one of the confessions was that he had actually had a PA with at least one of the two interfering women.

Here's some backgraound about why I mention the 2 interfering women - the reason I say all this about the 2 women in his life is twofold: 1) He's marrying one of them - the one that he was seeing and sleeping with throughout our separation (he was also seeing and sleeping with me that whole time, and I sadly didn't realize this until shortly before I filed for divorce); 2) I spent months, no, years of anguish feeling guilty for cheating on him, public anguish on here even, getting berated for being a FWS. Really, in the long run, he cheated first, treated me like crap, and I foolishly retalliated, rather than me just being the sole "bad guy".

Anyways, now I suppose I sound angry and bitter - those emotions do come to the surface now and again. I feel somewhat like a discarded piece of garbage at times - he traded up (or down depending on one's perspective), and here I am, someone with significant emotional baggage, who's pretty much been single since I've been divorced, save for a few dates here and there that never amounted to any real relationship(s).

Really, I know that I am SO MUCH better off without him in my life. I also know that I prefer to be single and a bit lonely, rather than to be with someone who doesn't genuinely treat me well and make me happy. But I still feel a bit odd about the fact that here I am, almost hopelessly single, and he's marrying the homewrecker!

So, is there anyone else out there that's been divorced for a while, is still single, and whose ex has not only moved on, but remarried, perhaps the OP? Did/do you have any similar feelings?

Jen

Its so unfair. He really put you through the emotional ringer over your affair, all the while not coming clean about his own.

His new marriage is bound to be full of problems (its no different than any other affair marriage...)

I know while your single it seems so unfair that he seems happy and getting married. But really its all a facade built on lies and dishonesty. Sad really.

Hi Jen,
Great to see you again.
You said:

Yeah, I think this board is probably full of people with similar stories! I would probably expect to feel that way around anniversary dates or Valentines, but why do I feel like that in the middle of the summer? The only reason I can think of is because I'm having to do all the yard work/home upkeep myself, and it would be so much easier if I had a spouse to help, LOL.

I think it takes longer than we ever expected it would.

Jen - can't remember if I have ever posted to you, but I do remember you.
I saw your link on GQII, so I will reply to you, although I do not come to this area very often, so you may need to get my attention over at GQII.

My Ex is remarried. And honestly, when he got married I knew it was "good riddance" and I was/am DEFINATELY better off.

But there is still this ugly side of me that wants him to be miserable for the rest of his life. I want people to say, "Leaving WOF was the biggest mistake of his life"
So I definitely know what you are going through.

I will try to keep this short!!
I actually got married before my Ex. He pushed for a d so he could marry his "soul mate" the love of his life. He once screamed at me “I can’t WAIT to be rid of you! I am going to be with OW for the REST OF MY LIFE!!”
Turns out the “rest of his life” was only 9 months. She dumped him, and replaced him very quickly. We even made this awkward little attempt to reconnect at that time, but it turns out I was only 1 of many women he was trying to connect with, including a married woman whose son was friends with our oldest boy. Apparently he was “seeing” this married woman, and later confessed that “her M is technically over, her H does not treat her well, etc” It was actually a good thing for me, because at the time, we were sort of “dating” and I was thinking to myself “I don’t even like him much. He is a different person now, and the only reason I am even talking to him is because we have 2 children in common.” Other than the boys, we really had little in common any longer. Once he announced that he was seeing married woman #2, I was finally able to say “enough, this mans moral compass is broken, I am finally done”. It was very freeing for me.

A month later I met someone, and 6 months later we were married on the beach in Hawaii. Meanwhile, WxH and OW#2 had the typical on again, off again R where she kept moving in and out of her H’s home. Finally her H said “don’t come back” and they divorced. She and my Ex lived together for about a year. They both wore wedding rings, so I thought perhaps they had gotten married without telling anyone, but it turns out they were just engagement rings. Yes, he wore a wedding band as an engagement ring. They finally got married – I only knew about it because they brought back t-shorts for the boys.
I wasn’t sad for him, or the loss of my former M at that time. I can’t really describe the feeling.

My Ex was prancing around town telling everyone that now “WOF is married and happy” and “OW#2 and I are married and happy, so all is well that ends well”. In his mind, all was fixed, over, done, he would never again need to feel guilty, or bad.
I guess I was still waiting for the moment when he said “I made a huge mistake, I fully regret what I did, please forgive me.” I do NOT want to hear him say “forgive me and take me back” I feel like I have forgiven him, and certainly I am WAY better off with my new H, but just once I still wanted to hear that leaving me was a bad thing to do. And I would also like for him to tell the boys that it was a bad thing to do. Just last night YS said something about how “dad is happy now” and I wanted to say “No he isn’t, what he did was wrong, and he is just faking it” of course I didn’t say that, I know the boys will figure it out themselves.

Anyway, please rest assured that your WxH’s M will be filled with trouble. I do hear small stories from the boys, and know for a fact that my Ex has a lot of issues to deal with. The thing is, even in my new marriage, there are issues to deal with. We are each over 40, with children from a previous M. We bring our past hurts to the M. We remember getting hurt, and fear that it could happen again. But my new H and I are open with each other about that stuff. We have an appointment for counseling to try to deal with the smaller issues before they get bigger. We are active in church, with a great support group to help us. We admit our short comings and want to work on them. My Ex, is not interested in working on anything. That is why he bailed out of our M, and that is why he will bail out again. He has said numerous times that M is not supposed to be hard work,and if it gets to be hard, then it means you are married to the wrong woman and need to move on. He says that life is too short, and he is going to do what makes him happy. OW#2 will not be able to keep up with that – I suspect she gave up trying to make him happy months ago. When they first started “seeing each other” they had to hide their flaws, and fake like they were really good spouses who were treated badly. Now, all their warts are showing. He chews with his mouth open and makes a lot of noise. He can not go anywhere without stopping to take a crap somewhere along the way. He cannot even drive 30 minutes to work without stopping to crap. He leaves the milk out on the counter to go bad. He fishes and hunts all the time, and when he cleans fish he leaves the mess for the wife to clean up. His theory is that he catches the fish, and cleans it, the least I could do was clean up after him. Anytime you try to complain about some of this stuff his response is “there are plenty of women out there who wish they had me for a H”. I could go on, but I will stop there. My point is, I am sure that OW#2 is getting the full dose, and she is probably also made to feel like he “rescued her” from her past H (he was #2 by the way. She is now on her 3rd M) so she is not allowed to complain. After all, a lot of women wish they had him….

My point is – we all will experience a little pang of hurt when our Ex gets married. He is supposed to live with regret forever. But you know what the answer is – live your life well. Continue to heal, continue to grow. Become the best darn Jenn you can be, so that when the Lord brings your new H to you, at least you will be ready for a good, healthy M.

And I will warn you of something else – there are times I feel sorry for that idiot I was married to. When I hear that his current wife is threatening suicide, or hear that he has gone to the emergency room with chest pains I feel a little sorry for him that he is digging his hole even deeper. I do not rejoice at his troubles, I pity him. It is the way I feel sorry for my brothers when they screw up.

When my x married, I had some pangs. But, I survived.

I rather like his wife - she has always been more courteous to me than he has been. However, he never told me they were getting married or had gotten married....the children told me. The last time they moved, he told me when but not where - but I had already learned that from the children. I got his address from a check the bank sent me.

His wife told me that she had asked him why we got a divorce. I told her there were things that I chose not to tell her. But that I wouldn't have him back on a silver platter.

Fortunately for all involved, this woman was not in the picture at the time of the divorce. I have told neither his parents (who are in their 80s) nor our children (who are teenagers) that there was another woman in the picture. And it has been 11 years and 2 days since he moved out.

I remember you Jen... and like you, I don't come on here often.

You're one of the "what ever happened to" people that I've thought about in the past. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Although I don't know what's going on with nuckfuts (my xWH), I also don't want to know, b/c of the pangs of hurt I too might feel. I think it's because of my wish of how things COULD or SHOULD have been... or WOULD have been if he wasn't such an [censored]. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

It's been over 3 1/2 yrs since I left nuckfuts, and I have only had the odd date here and there too. At some points, I think I really want a relationship, but to be honest, for the most part, I'm more than content with being single. I have my 3 boys (now 5, 5 and 7) to raise, and lots of great friends.

What's the saying? "If it ain't broke, don't try to fix it"? LOL. That sums up my life right now. haha!

Karen

Topie (Karen)! It's so good to see a post from you! I remember us posting back and forth to each other quite a bit back in the day. I'm so glad to hear you're doing well, and that nuckfuts as you call him is long out of the picture. Gosh time flies, your twins are already 5? Starting school in September?

Yeah, for the most part I'm content with my life on my own, and have lots of good friends (just as you commented), but I sometimes long to be with someone, and have that closeness again. Really, I have the background secret desire to meet someone I can marry and have a family with, if God is so kind as to let that be my life's path someday.

As I said in my other recent thread, I'm struggling to shake the bitterness yet again. Just when I thought I'd done the forgiving and beginning to forget thing, it rises to the surface. Oh well, life is a rollercoaster, not a cake walk I guess!

Take care,

Jen:)

Jen,
My ex remarried immediately after D (actually before it), so it FORCED me to move on and accept things. I have had a hard time, though. It has been 3 1/2 years since my D, and I have had several relationships, even getting engaged once, which was my token rebound relationship! I dated someone for 3 weeks, was engaged for 2, then broke up! This was less than a year post-D. I was in a state of depression, low self esteem, and this guy said all the right things, and I fell for it all, thinking that was what I needed to do to get better. Well, I was in a fog, but God spoke to me and I promptly got out of the relationship. I have dated some since then, but I always end of thinking the guy I'm dating is "the one", and so it ends badly. I guess I am still needy, but I am at least learning. I was married 20 years, so I guess when they say a year of healing for every 4 or 5 years of marriage, someone knows what they're talking about. My 3 kids are teenagers...one in college, 2 in high school, so it is not an easy road, and I get little support from X. He is still married, and I wonder how they are doing.....he hasn't had a real job since the D. So, I understand all you're going through, shaking the bitter feelings, and all the forgiving and forgeting. It's so tough. With my kids, thoughts and emotions crop of daily, especially since I don't get CS. It is a rollercoaster, I agree! But, we are better off without them. I see so many things in my X that I wouldn't want my kids to be around in their teen years. I'm glad he's not raising them! God will bless us...hang in there. You are doing great. There is nothing wrong with wanting to marry and have a family...we were made that way. It hasn't been long since your D, so remember to give yourself time to continue to heal and grow.
KK