My story

I had a bit of a suspicion my BF had some sort of problem as I found out that he was downloading quite a bit of porn, and then that he was phoning and text messaging other women – but when confronted with anything he always had a very plausible sounding absolutely impossible to disprove reason/explanation/excuse. I still felt uneasy (Usually trust my instincts as they have unfortunately always been proved right.)

We got married, I guess I thought it would “go away” – imagine my shock when I found out that he had again been contacting women on internet and cellphone dating sites. After I found out, I confronted him. He was extremely contrite, felt terrible, hating himself blah blah blah (I have reached the point where I believe men have no conscience – they only feel guilty when caught out!) promised it would never happen again, said it was because he was bored (he works away from home in isolated areas often)

So for the last few months it has been (I thought) going well, but to my shock discovered that things were not going well at all – he had just got so good at hiding things. He would deny owning porn, I would eventually find where his “stash” was hidden etc. When confronted he would destroy his collection – only to begin and add to it again.

End of May he was working away again, and had just returned home. I found a cellphone card in the lounge which I assumed to be one of the kids’, and put it into my phone to find a whole lot of messages from different women, one of whom said that “it was so nice to meet him and he was such an amazing guy… - and that he was a great kisser” I contacted her, and had a long chat, she never suspected he was married, and they met for coffee once. They both swear nothing else happened except for the kiss – which he swears was “a peck on the check” yeah right – a woman will call that a great kiss… of course the usual story, he is so sorry, he doesn’t understand why he does this, he wants to change, it will never happen again, he hated every minute he was sitting with her for coffee (but still managed an impressive kiss) He says he likes to "pretend to be someone else without the problems he has)

I don’t know how to find a way to trust him again. Every bit of information I have ever gotten out of him, has only been after I have confronted him with irrefutable evidence, and even then he only mentions “basics”. I don’t at this point believe that he will come to me and honestly tell me anything, and honesty is what I really need.

How does plan A work with something like porn / cellphone dating where I have no way of checking? How can I force “no contact” when all he may be doing is hiding his tracks even better than before? I tried to install a keylogger on his laptop but his anti-virus detected it and he gave me such ****** about that, that I am unwilling to try something like that again.

BS 37
WH 34
Married 2 years (latest disclosure came just before 2nd anniversary)
D day - end may 2006
3 kids (mine from previous marriage - 10, 12, 15)

Leia,

You may want to post this on gener questions II for more input. Also, your signature line says you've been married for two year, but your comments refer to a BF (boyfriend).

I will try the GeneralQ II, thanks.
He was my boyfriend when i first suspected something was not right, but always had an impossible to disprove story which might have been true.

I said later on in my post, we then got married (yeah, i guess i should have known..)

Just to clear up things a bit here, how long was your first M, how did it end (e.g. did it end because of infidelity?) and how soon afterwards did you start a serious relationship with your BF?

First M lasted about 9 years, was separated when met current H. 1st marriage sort of just "grew apart" - ex-H worked away from home a lot, I was basically a married single parent. I dont know of, and never really suspected my ex-H of infidelity, though he was away sometimes for months on end! Maybe we had grown apart so much it didnt worry me that much?

Reading the information in your post I would say your husband probably has a sexual addiction. The fact he says he doesn't understand why he does it is a big clue. I have heard that from many sex addicts including myself.

Plan A won't work with an addiction. You have to treat the addiction first, start on the road to recovery, and then PLAN A. The addiction is his problem, his to own, and his to deal with. You can't fix someone else, they have to want to fix the problem when it comes to an addiction.

If you search on my posts you will probably find a lot of references to sexual addiction that might help. Also, I'm glad to answer any questions about the problem. I dealt with mine and know a lot on the subject.

Hi AskMe, thanks for response. I am trying to read up as much as I can, found RecoveryNation site very helpful (but the forums on it are down at the moment) I am trying hard to understand from his side too.

He keeps saying i am the best thing that ever happened to him, and that he loves me. And part of me believes him. He also says he is trying very hard to "change" - but he wont go for counselling (havent got finances for it now anyway, otherwise I would go on my own). He says he is making progress, changing things slowly.

My problem is that he has been so good at hiding things and lying, I dont know how to get to a place where i can believe him? This hurts him, but he must understand that I have been lied to so many times before, I need to see something before i can believe it?

Then he asks what would prove it to me, and I dont know...

We have talked a lot and he has opened up a little more, but i almost get the impression that he thinks that it will go away if we ignore it. I need him to talk to me so i know what is going on. I really dont know how to go forward from here. I know that, if i follow everything i have read, i cannot actually do anything, it has to come from him. I just dont think i could handle all the lies again. I am supposed to be working on myself and my self-esteem, instead i am obsessed with what he is doing 24 hours a day, and i dont know how to change that either...

BS 37
WH 34
Married 2 years (latest disclosure came just before 2nd anniversary)
D day - end may 2006
3 kids (mine from previous marriage - 10, 12, 15)

HUGE red flag!

You were married 2 your first H when your relationship with your current H started. "Separated" is still married.

Hence, your current M started out as an affair. Not impossible 2 hold such a marriage 2gether (some here have done so), but it complicates things.

Why?
*because your relationship was never a completely honest one.
*because your H has had a sexual addiction since before you married.

Because you have no kids 2gether and you haven't been M'd for very long, the simplest thing 2 do might be 2 cut your losses and move on. Try not 2 get involved with someone else for at least a year post-divorce, if that's what you decide 2 do.

If you decide 2 stay M'd, he'll need professional help for his addiction, and you'll need proof that he's facing it and dealing with it.

I don't envy your decisions.

-ol' 2long

Yes, 2long, I understand that some here may write mine off as an "affair marriage" - as i have seen some rather harsh posts here on MB. However, I do feel I "paid my dues" with respect to my first marriage - was in counselling for almost 3 years (most of it on my own as my then H refused to go) - I really feel I tried everything I could. (Hadnt found MB - perhaps that would have made a difference, but too late now? We had been living apart for more than a year and divorce proceedings were already underway when i met my current H.

I realize my present H has had this problem for a long time, and yes, I have considered cutting my losses. But not before i feel i have tried my utmost...

A sex addict can still love someone even though they are acting out. If we were talking about food addiction instead of sex addiction that is easier to understand. Addictions are all the same in that they are caused by core emotional problems. In the food addiction the "medication" is food, where in a sex addiction the "medication" is sex. The problem is not about food, nor about sex, but an emotional problem that drives a person to overeat or in the case of a sex addict to act out sexually. If you were married to the food addict and said, "it's unhealthy for you to overeat; it makes you less desirable when you become obese; it isn't good for you", but they continued to overeat, would you think they loved you less? Probably not, but you would wonder why they continue in their behavior. The problem with the sex addiction is the complication it causes with extra relationships, the morality issues, and the chance it could devestate the relationship permanently. Hopefully you can see the addiction is the problem and the "medication" is just a symptom.

A sex addict hides what he does so that he can maintain a false sense of self. The addict in a sense becomes like two identities; one maintaining a false image; and the other a private life known to few. The addicts problem is their own belief of theirself and if they acknowledge the problems they then have to loose the false sense of self. To say "I'm a sex addict" suddenly means they have a problem to deal with and they are not perfect as they wished they were. Look at any addiction; the addict says, "I don't have a problem", "I can control this", "It's not my fault I behave this way". In the addictions it's denial and blame.

To prove he is serious about overcoming the addiction you would want to see him addressing the core emotional problems and just ntt fighting back the addiction, or white knuckling as some call it. Being accountable also is important in that the addict accounts for what they are doing. They also show humility with an understanding it's their problem and they have to submit to being examined by the spouse.

The spouse though if they are not careful becomes a detective, distrusting the addict always. They spy, they check behing, they question constantly, all to the point that it becomes damaging to the addict who is trying to recover. The addict needs to be accountable, and they need to do the work to recover. The spouse if not careful trys to step in to do the work for them. It's not their responsibilty; they don't have the addiction, the addict does.

Should the spouse be cautious, yes. Should the spouse realize the addict can slip in their recovery, yes. If the spouse cannot deal with these issues then they need to seriously consider if the relationship is worth it. In other words, do you always want to be suspicious, do you always want to play detective, do you always want to fear? If this is how you will feel maybe living with an addict is not worth it.

Addicts can recover and remain sober in their journey. With sex addiction, if counseling is worked at, and accountability is maintained, and the spouse understands the addiction and can help in recovery, there is over a 90% chance of success. So there is hope.

Just remember the addiction was there before you met the addict. YOU ARE NOT THE CAUSE OF THE ADDICTION. The addict may blame and make you think you are responsible, but you are not. The addiction was developed more than likely in childhood as a result of emotional traumas. So only the addict can work on correcting the problem. All the spouse can do is support and assist.

You mentioned self esteem for yourself. There are many spouses lacking self-esteem married to addicts. The reason is with low self esteem the person can be caught up in believing they somehow deserve the problem of the addict. They may feel they aren't good enough, or haven't done enough in the relationship and they therefore stay with the addict thinking it's their fault and they need to change. So building your own self-esteem is good in order to confront the problem of the addict.

I'm not looking to "write off" your existing (or whats left of your existing) relationship. But I do think it's important to be honest about what it was. Otherwise, you are living in a "fog", of an affair, which is something you claim this is not...



That is not really different from "our marriage was in trouble, so it wasnt really an affair: things were 'over' between my husband and I"

"Divorce proceedings were already under way" is the same thing as "we were still married at the time". Literally, legally, and morally.

There is "not married", and there is "married". You were married when you started dating the man you are currently seeing now.
Please dont sugar-coat it and make excuses that it was somehow right to do so at the time. It devalues you, and marriage as a whole.


As a side note, if you are at all a biblical person: "living apart" is not grounds for a biblical divorce. This may be God's way of saying, "Go look at your real husband again".

Techie:

Yes, i may have made many, many mistakes, and gone about doing things many wrong ways. But i dont think that gives anyone the right to judge so harshly. It is so easy to stand outside and be a critic.

And I didnt say in any post that i started dating my present husband before i got divorced, did I?
I said i met him then.And literally a week before the papers were signed.

I have noticed the trend on this forum to, instead of adressing the problem or question, rather dig in the poster's background and find something to attack that person on.

You know what, I used to be a religious person, I went to church councillors, I went to ministers for help regarding my first marriage falling apart. I prayed and prayed.

Guess what. I no longer am "religious" - in the church sense. What happened to the love Christian people are supposed to show each other?

Does it make people here feel better to break others down all the time? Do you feel justified in seeing me as a "lesser person" and a "greater sinner" than yourself?