I can't think of whether I could have done anything differently and I don't know whether I should bother reconciling.

Just found out a week yesterday that my husband of almost 20 years has been having a full-on adulterous relationship for the last 3 years, and a (Bill/Monica) type thing for 10 years before that. He also admitted to a 4 month adulterous relationship within the first 2 years of our marriage.

The adultery was discovered when I saw my husband had a message open on his phone. Bit by bit the lies peeled back over 4 days, and part of the story was revealed to his parents and our children.

What makes our case very strange and very difficult for me to accept is that it was always my husband who held out from intimacy and sex, almost from the beginning of our marriage. He admits he has a low sex drive and has had problems on and off with impotence. I simply thought he didn't want it or need it (he was molested as a child by a babysitter) and so I thought I was 100% safe from this situation.

The biggest betrayal in my mind is that I always had terrible difficulty in accepting the lack of intimacy and I used to do everything I could to let him know how I felt - including crying, begging, suggesting a doctor/therapist, marriage couselling etc. He always thought it wasn't a problem. Gradually I began to resent his inability to see it was a problem, his lack of regard for my feelings by not doing something about it, and as well his wanting to do many many outside activities and not wanting to spend time with me and our family. All through this time though he was a good provider and we want for nothing. Finally, about 4 years ago I told him that as much as him not wanting me had hurt me and wasn't what I wanted, the decision now had to be mine and that I wouldn't sleep with him now even if he wanted to. In reality, all it would have taken would have been for him to
reach out to me and show he was interested. He now uses this as an excuse for the second relationship, which I think is very very unfair.

His story is that he was so guilty after the first affair that this affected his ability to do everything with me and be nice to me. I can understand this adultery a little (thought the length of it was surprising) as he had had no experience before marriage and I had had quite a lot. He would have been very flattered and probably didn't know how to handle women very well. And I can understand the second one slightly as I had become very distant from him out of resentment for everything I had to endure over the years (including the way he always made me feel responsible for our problems). He was just as distant to me, so I don't feel that was any excuse - I wasn't getting my emotional needs met either. The other woman knew about the first affair. I just can't accept him giving someone else what he could easily have had at home. I can't accept him never giving our marriage a chance from the start. I can't accept his selfishness at thinking his emotional needs were more important than mine. I basically just can't see there was anything there from the start on his part.

He wants to get back together and make a clean start to try to make it better than ever but is it possible? Did we have anything to start with?

We have started to try to respark the fire but I just don't think he desires me (or deserves me). I have put on weight through the years, though not as much as he had (he lost a lot the past year). Ten years ago I lost 40 pounds but that didn't make any difference. I put it all on again though as food was my only comfort. Just recently I have started to lose weight again so I feel very good about myself. I honestly would like to get some of what he was giving her for all that time but doubt that it is me that he wants.

The things he has done so far is to admit everything, had an HIV test on my request, has gone once with me to marriage counselling, he has said he wants to commit to our marriage, he says he feels so much better without the guilt, I went with him while he told the girlfriend (I wanted to see it was done and I wanted to see his face when he did it so I'd know how he felt), he has said he would get medical attention for the impotency problem (if there was one) and some more counselling for the molestation problem).

Initially, I was just going to leave as the extent and the nature of the deceit and selfishness was just too great. But then I began to think that maybe this is the chance to start things with a clean (ha!) slate and give the marriage the chance it deserved from the start. I want to see if what he is saying is true. I have started to see a spark between us and he now can look me in the eye, which he hasn't been able to do for so long. I think he was surprised at my total devastation at finding out as I don't think he knew I cared so much. I am using his physical contact (as limited as it is so far) and his words to ease my pain as it is the only time I can get any comfort from my pain. If things do not develop I will be leaving the relationship.

Is it worth me trying? I do think that if he were enthusiastic enough to address the things that are suggested in the marriage builders website with me it could solve all the things that were wrong with our marriage (except for maybe the sex thing). Am I too much of an optomist?

PS I have been 100% faithful to our marriage and I feel like I should have been the one to have the reason to have had the adultery!

Also, how do I know in the long run he isn't just coming back for the kids and to keep his assets intact?

Nads,

Welcome to MB. Sorry u r here. Recommend you and your H read the basic concepts. Read His needs/Her needs, then read Surviving an Affair. Both are by Dr Harley.

I know you are in Aussie land. If you could schedule a call into Steve H @ MB, he maybe good at getting you a plan for both of you. If not, consult an MC familiar with MB principals.

Take the Emotional Needs questionnaire. It is only logical for you t/b angry and want out. Read my 5 stages of grieving link in my sig line.

Hope it helps.

take care,
L.

Hi Nads,

Welcome to the boards...although I am sorry that you have the need to be here.

I'm afraid I can't help you make the decision about whether or not to give your marriage another chance - that one has to come from you. You might try asking yourself this...do you still love him more than he's hurt you?

I do know this site is a fantastic place to be for help and caring support...and that my H and I wouldn't be together today if it wasn't for the work we both did here when his A happened 4 years ago.

It was a tough road for us...but we have a stronger, more intimate and honest relationship than we ever had.

In the beginning...when I first found out about the A, I asked him to leave, and seriously pondered the idea of divorce. After posting here for a bit I decided to give recovery a chance, and today I don't regret that decision in the slightest.

Perhaps the same can happen for you?

Take care,
B.

Hello Nads, welcome to MB.
From what you posted I understand that your D-day was very recent.. and if you're anything like I was, I guess you're still "in shock".
Not the right time to make life-altering decisions.
You will always have that option, but it would be best to do with a clear head - not one that is filled with anger/pain/resentment..

Like Orchid said, read up on the stuff here at MB. Read, learn, gather information. Because when we are faced with something terrible that we have NO experience with - it's very important to learn how to deal with it from people who can give you sound advice (like the Harley's). Rather than going by your emotions, that will probably be all over the place for some time (mine were).

Hang in there!
It's quite a rollercoaster ride, emotionally, but you can get through this.
And decide for yourself what sort of life you want to lead.

Nads -

(((hugs)))

and more

(((hugs)))

my WH and I had the sexual relationship and background you describe. Although we didn't get to the point of me cutting him off, your pain is real.

My WH was not open to discussing sex with me but would w/OW
that hurts too.

I am a rookie but can you buck up and try to make it work.
Have faith that little by little as he meets your EN it may not hurt so much to stay. I am so inspired by the success stories here. Read the In Recovery pages and reach out to some who have moved past this awful time.

Give yourself a time line to re-evaluate.
And if it isn't working for you. you walk away w/o regret or thinking should I have given it more.
And of course build back up your self esteem.

You can and will make it through this.
We have to have hope - not in our WS but in ourselves.
That we are completely lovable and capable of giving/receiving love with honesty and integrity.
That the future holds much brighter days.

Oh - And don't forget the drugs. Anti-Dee's
Michelle

Thank you so much for your support.

As an update, a couple of days ago, after reading this website, I decided that I had better keep my options open so I began to not rant and rave and wail as I had been doing and instead just be nice and accept his closeness (that I need anyway) and see what happens. I still show him how upset I am but without the accusatory tones. I'll try to be friends as it's the friendship he always seems to want.

I've been raving to him about this website and he wants to investigate it too. We are going to go away for a couple of days this week alone and I'm going to print out some of the pages and questionnaires before we go so we have some things to talk about.

He's been coming home and being a family. The boys are OK about it, although they weren't at first. He actually sat with us all last night and watched Desperate Housewives, which is unheard of.

We are also planning a holiday alone for a week at Norfolk Island in October so I hope it all develops as I would have liked it to develop when we first got married.

What is it about such a sudden shock as this? It has made me realize what I have always wanted is still what I want. But I fear my heart has little room for any more breaking in the future.

He says he doesn't miss her but how could that be right after all those years? He says he was sick and tired of trying to keep everybody happy (including her teenage family too). He has never ever before in all the time I've known him broken off with a friend of any kind so that is a big worry for me.

Here's hoping.