Quick sum up:

H had 3 month PA/unknown length EA - D-Day 2/06
Broke NC, true NC 3/06
Discovered secret email friend 4/06 - he sent NC
Discovered new secret email 6/06. Still talking to friend from April. Emails did not indicate any interest in him by her. He said he would establish NC again
Also 6/06 - H demoted from his job due to discovery of continued contact in March (He was OW's supervisor)

That's the bad, and it does seem to just keep coming. There is good also. He is attending IC and MC, and has been since February. I believe he has kept to the NC on the affair because his company investigated him in June, and would have fired him if it was continuing. His work computer was the one I always worried about, and clearly they checked it.

But here is where we are now. We spent a night at a hotel on Friday - our first away since our children were born. We had a nice time, although I know he was nervous.

But the whole weekend didn't go well. I found out that while playing online games, he is flirting with women in the chat. I found a message he and a woman sent back and forth. I have a game account too, and clearly I entered the chat room and he got nervous. His message to her was something like he didn't want me to misunderstand something, and her message back was that she felt bad. I don't think that she knew he was married.

So he said he understood, and would stop talking with her. Yesterday I walked in the room, and he had just typed a message to another woman and called her "sweetie."

In some ways, I see that this is no big deal compared to other things he has done. But we just talked about boundries in MC this week, and I just don't think he gets it yet.

So I tried to talk to him. My first sentence he started rolling his eyes. He said he wouldn't chat anymore. I told him that is no the issue, that what I really wanted to understand is what I always want to understand. What need is this behavior filling for him? And I wanted to share how I am hurt when boundries are not in place.

He got furious. He told me that he is not "getting better." That he wishes he could make his feelings for me come back, but he can't. Then he punched the heck out of our door, until his hand bled. I got up and told him we needed to calm the situation, and he stepped back and told me I was next. (He has never hurt me at any point during our relationship.)

He left for 2 hours in the car without his cell phone. He said he went to a bar and had drinks, and it doesn't matter what bar. That scared me. This is the first time since the affair he has been unaccounted for, and not told me exactly where he was.

This morning he was cold and distant. I asked him where we are with this situation. He says it is done, and we are back to status quo. But it doesn't feel like it. He seemed ok when we woke up, but as soon as I talked to him, he was moody.

What am I doing? I have read the "lighthouse" post so many times. I have really been in Plan A for almost 6 months as far as my behavior. It's not really plan A because there is no affair to break up, but it's not recovery either.

And Plan B hasn't seemed like an option. He lives here, and we have never been separated. He isn't in an affair, so I can't see how Plan B makes any sense for me.

And I don't want plan D, but I am afraid he will at any minute. And it is coming unless we can get this marriage into real recovery.

I have no idea what to do next. He is so frustrated. He doesn't like himself. He is trying to do the right thing by staying here, going to MC, ending the affair.

I am afraid that he thinks that is enough. He does go to MC, but he doesn't read the books, or take the MC suggestions on how to help his love for me return. I think he wants it to just happen. I hope that it will, but I think we are running out of time.

I need to get him in real recovery, but I don't know how. This blow-up is unusual for us. We don't usually fight, and things are pretty calm and peaceful in our house. I have seem an increase in his affection lately. I know he just wishes this would all go away.

He has huge issues with trust, forgiveness, guilt, and possibly shame. He has a lot of personal issues to deal with, in addition to healing our marriage. And he can't see what marriage should be. A safe place full of love and intimacy - he can't see that. Not meaning with me, but with anyone. He can't believe that exists.

I have been reading here for months. I have tried to work on myself, own my own issues, keep my mouth shut, and give hime time and patience.

What am I doing? What is he doing? Help!!!!!!

want,

I can see why you're confused about what plan to be in....and the plan I would choose for you is "none of the above". I'd like to see you in a marriage builders recovery plan (plan R). Right now, you're waiting for him to "come around", renew his love for you, decide if he wants to be with you. That's a crummy place to be....it leaves you pretty powerless doesn't it? What do YOU want? Where does what you want factor into this equation? Rather than continuing to fight over his fuzzy boundaries and his unwillingness to truly protect your marriage....why not define your OWN boundaries? That's really all you have control over anyway.

What conditions for reconciliation were in place after his affair? Was good marital boundaries part of those conditions? Many marriages survive infidelity, but fail to recover because there is no recovery plan in place. The marriage remains vulnerable and the same conditions that created vulnerability to an affair are still in place.

You can't MAKE him adopt appropriate marital boundaries....but you CAN let him know where yours are and what protective actions you'll take should he decide to trample them again.

The problem is that you're still afraid to lose him....and so your solution right now is to keep tabs on him and confront him each time something comes up. That's going to be really icky for you....because each time you stay with him he's learned that you'll tolerate his poor choices. You haven't been willing to enforce your own boundaries....so it's easier to criticise where his are....rather than perhaps taking the risk that enforcing your own may mean. In the meantime.....you end up looking to him (you AREN'T of course) needy, wimpy, and demanding.

This isn't attractive to him....and it doesn't help you either. If you want a husband who truly respects you and chooses to be with you.....define what that would look like, where your boundaries are....and then enforce them. That may require going to Plan B at some point becaus otherwise....your boundaries AREN'T where they say they are. If you can't tolerate him chatting up new women on the Internet (and I sure wouldn't) then let him know you won't....and then don't.

He's calling all the shots right now....why is THAT? Don't stay a victim chere.

Star*fish,

What you are saying makes perfect sense. I guess I have just had no idea what boundries to set. All this behavior is new for him. He hasn't done this our whole marriage.

After the affair, NC was set as a condition. I didn't know I needed to set any others. He has kept to that.

Honestly, I don't know how to set boundries right now. I feel like in order to cover everything he could think of doing, I would have to say no communication at all with members of the opposite sex. Then I am afraid I will look like a control freak.

My boundries would include continued NC, and no communication with members of the opposite sex that he would not be willing to have with me in the room. The problem is, he made the "sweetie" internet chat comment with me in the room, because he saw nothing wrong with it.

I can't watch him 24/7, and I don't want to. My plan B letter is ready to go.

I need help. I need a recovery plan. What does that look like? And I need reasonable boundries that I can enforce.
I can bring this up a MC tomorrow night, and hopefully she can help me communicate everything to him.

If I need to go to plan B, do I ask him to move out?

want,

Threats and ultimata are about controlling someone else. Boundaries are about protecting yourself from things that are intolerable. So a discussion about this issue might sound something like this:

H, It may seem to you like I have unreasonable demands about your interaction with women, but the truth for me is that I no longer feel safe in our marriage and the way you interact with other women continues to create a lack of safety for me. That is one of the natural consequences of infidelity, and why extra-ordinary precautions need to be put in place to protect the marriage following such an incident. I don't feel badly about myself for not trusting you....I have an obligation to myself, my children and my marriage to give "us" the best chance of stabilizing and fortifying our marriage and when my radar goes up....I'm never going to ignore it again.

I can't control what you do or how you interact with other women. But I will tell you that I find your current level of flirtatiousness painful and intolerable considering the threat this marriage is already recovering from. However, even if nothing had happened before....the way you interact with women is not healthy for this marriage or for me.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life worried about the next "friendship" that will spiral out of control because they're aren't any established boundaries in place for opposite sex friendships. A good rule of thumb is to do everything as though you were being video taped and I would watch it. If you're confused about how I might react to certain things....then we need to discuss those things, because as an example....using terms of endearment to talk to other women is not reasonable to me. It speaks of a desire for intimacy....intimacy that needs to be within the marriage....not outside of the marriage.

Here is an excellent article with advice from some of the best marriage experts about boundaries and recovery:

[color:" blue"]Prioritize Your Marriage

"The No. 1 cause for the breakdown in marriages today is the same issue that causes infidelity. Couples aren't prioritizing their marriage," says Michele Weiner-Davis, a marriage and family therapist and author. "People spend time on their careers, their kids, community affairs, hobbies, sports. But they take their spouses for granted. It just doesn't work that way." In other words, to have a strong marriage, your spouse must come first.

* Set aside time to spend with just your spouse.
* Consciously commit to putting your marriage first. That means your spouse comes before everything and everyone else-even your kids.
* Each day tell your spouse how important he or she is to you.
* Talk about your commitment to each other. What do you love about being married? Why do you want to stay together? When you've had hard times, how did you get through them?
* Write a "mission statement" for your marriage. Frame it and put it in your bedroom, where it will be a visual reminder of your commitment to each other. You might frame it with your marriage certificate.

Avoid Temptation

Experts are increasingly concerned about two temptation arenas: the workplace and the Internet. One recent study showed that 73 percent of men and 42 percent of women who have extramarital affairs meet their partners at work. Be extremely careful with workplace relationships.

* Don't take lunch or coffee breaks with the same person all the time.
* When you travel with co-workers, meet in public rooms, not in a room with a bed.
* Meet in groups, if possible.
* Don't drink and dance with co-workers at conferences or office parties.
* Avoid cordial kisses and hugs.
* Avoid frequent conversations about your personal life and feelings.

On-line relationships are also an increasing problem.

Innocent chat room visits can endanger a marriage when someone discovers a "cyberspace soulmate." When the honesty that's missing in a marriage gets spilled out on the computer screen, emotional affairs can result, sometimes leading to adultery. Preventive measures include:

* Avoid discussing emotional topics or personal problems over the Internet.
* Avoid chat rooms and Internet sites designed for meeting people and socializing.
* If necessary, limit your time on-line.
* Use the Internet for productive activities such as researching family history or medical issues, not for making cyber-friends.

Remember that infidelity doesn't always include sex. Emotional infidelity can breach marital trust and become as debilitating to your marriage as physical adultery. If you are sharing intimate emotional closeness with someone of the opposite sex other than your spouse in any arena, including the Internet, stop!

Know Your Boundaries

Experts say friendships with members of the opposite sex are possible and healthy if both parties know their boundaries. As one author puts it, you have to take an honest look at yourself and admit that maybe you can't always "handle it." When you honestly admit what might be a temptation to you, you will know where to draw the line.

* Know your own vulnerabilities. Are you especially curious about people? Are you extremely empathetic? Do you invite other people to share their problems with you? What might lead you to get emotionally involved with someone else unwittingly or with good intentions?
* Don't be afraid to put up emotional "walls" around yourself and your marriage. No marriage is invulnerable. All marriages need protection. You cannot have intimate relationships with opposite sex co-workers and friends and still have a great relationship with your spouse.
* Together with your spouse, set guidelines for how each of you will behave around members of the opposite sex. For example, you may decide neither of you will dance with someone of the opposite sex. Make these guidelines an agreement you hold each other accountable for.
* Instead of spending time alone with friends of the opposite sex, make friends with the person as a couple. Have him or her bring a partner and go to dinner with you and your spouse, for example, instead of going to lunch alone.

If you're wondering whether you've overstepped any boundaries, Dr. Shirley Glass says three signs indicate that a friendship between people of the opposite sex has crossed the line into infidelity: (1) emotional intimacy, (2) sexual tension, and (3) secrecy. Also, ask yourself, "Do I say or do things with this person that I wouldn't want my spouse to see or hear?" If so, it's time to take a step back and re-draw your boundaries.
Learn Conflict Resolution Skills

According to Dr. Carlfred Broderick, "Perhaps the most important single preventative of adultery is a developed and well-oiled mechanism for dealing with strain in the marriage." It is crucial that you talk to your spouse about conflicts. Harboring resentment towards a spouse may lead you to seek sympathy from others, which opens you up to emotional attachments outside the marriage. Faithful marriage partners discuss their frustrations openly and honestly and try to reach fair compromises.

* Be clear. Don't expect your spouse to know what you're thinking. If you're concerned about something, don't wait for your spouse to notice-tell him or her.
* When you want to bring up a problem, don't assign blame. The following statement, for example, blames the other person and is not likely to end in a happy resolution: "The kitchen is a mess and it's all your fault!" Instead, try something like this: "The dishes didn't get washed and I think it's your dish day."
* Don't store up frustrations. Talk about what's on your mind. It's harder to deal with resentment productively when you've been stewing over it and growing more and more upset until you're ready to burst.
* Compromise. When you have a conflict, sit down and think about what you really need versus what you want and what you are willing to give up. Work out a solution that combines each of your individual needs
* If you have serious resentment over unresolved conflicts, consider seeking help from a qualified professional marriage counselor.

For more help on dealing with marital conflict, see Dr. Gottman's "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." Principles five and six guide couples through dealing with minor and major marital conflicts and avoiding resentment.
Rekindle Romance

Dr. Kevin Leman believes that "as a general rule, satisfied partners do not wander. . . . If marriage partners are getting enough attention, affection, and sexual fulfillment at home, they are not likely to stray into an affair." This tends to be particularly true of women, who are more likely to have an affair because they feel unhappy or unfulfilled in their marriage than for any other reason.

Dr. Glass points out that when someone has an affair, it doesn't necessarily mean he or she isn't "getting enough" at home. It could mean he or she isn't giving enough. Either way, adding romance to your marriage will help protect against you or your spouse looking elsewhere.

Here are some guidelines for romantic success, suggested by experts Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Bloomberg, in their book Fighting for Your Marriage. Take a look at the guidelines and create your own plan for romance in your relationship:

* Focus on being romantic. Send flowers, romantic email messages, whisper suggestive desires during dinner, or touch his or her leg under the table. At the same time, don't focus orgasms or other outcomes. Simply talking as friends and sharing fun times are aphrodisiacs.
* Focus on wooing your partner, as opposed to taking his or her love for granted. Win his or her love on a daily basis.
* Be sensitive to your partner's rhythms, needs, and wishes. Maybe your spouse is a morning person and you are an evening person when it comes to ideal times for intimacy. If so, push yourself to be romantically interested during your partner's preferred times.
* Be imaginative and creative. Let your partner know that you care and are attracted to her and want her, but do it in a variety of ways. For example, you might suggest going to work an hour late, or choose an intimate rendezvous at another unplanned time.
* Be a great lover. When having sex, kiss and touch sensual spots that your partner enjoys---the earlobe, neck, back, or wherever. Talk together about the love areas that are pleasurable and share in mutually enjoyable and agreeable lovemaking.
* Share initiating of lovemaking. Initiate intimacies at unexpected times and places.

Couple Bonding

Finally, to "affair-proof" your marriage, strengthen and deepen the bond between you and your spouse. "The more a couple knows each other, the better off they are. If you strengthen then bond between the couple, there is not so much temptation to look elsewhere," says psychologist Susan Townsend.

* Spend time having meaningful conversations. Set aside a few minutes each day to talk with your spouse. Talk about what you did during the day, what you've been thinking about, what you're feeling. Avoid discussing conflicts during this time.
* If these conversations don't come naturally, try sitting down facing each other and doing something relaxing at the same time, like having a cup of coffee or listening to music you both like.
* Go out on a date with your spouse once a week and choose an activity you enjoy doing together, such as watching a movie, eating out, dancing, bowling. Consider the cost of a babysitter an investment in your marriage and family.
* Share your fondest dreams with your spouse, no matter how impossible or outlandish they might seem.
* Be honest with your spouse. Don't keep secrets from him or her.
* Regularly attend church, synagogue, or mosque with your spouse. Nurturing your spirituality together can be a powerful way to increase your bond.


I personally don't think you're ready for Plan B. So table that for a while and start trying to create a good recovery plan with good boundaries.

Good Luck!

Thank you.

I wish you could come talk to him for me!

The article is very helpful. He doesn't want to read much, so hasn't really gotten into the books our MC has suggested. I hope that he might read this article because it is short, but packs in a lot of good points.

Thanks for your help!

Let us know how your MC appointment goes okay?