I discovered this site 2months after DD which was Feb 26/06. It has helped immensely in our recovery. My WH had an EA & PA(2 occurences) with his co-worker which started Oct/05. It ended rather badly by her being discovered by her partner and then in turn accusing WH of "taking advantage" of her. There were physical threats to WH by phone. WH immediately confided in his supervisor about the A. WH and OW work together in a unit that only the two of them are in. She works off site 90% of the time. For the first 2 weeks after DD he would not tell her that I knew about the affair for fear of her retaliating and accusing him of sexual harrassment. OW is very unstable and is an alcoholic. He eventually told her at my insistence with no repercussions. Most of their conversations concerning work have been by leaving voice messages and via telephone. He tries to stay out of the office when he knows she will be there.

WH has agreed to leave his job. I am a SAHM and WH is the main income. He has been approached in the past by a much larger institution to come and work for them. He declined then for job security (at current job 16yrs.). After contacting them again 5mos. ago they are still very interested and have funding available for a position. The problem is in order to be hired there WH needs to be registered by this regulating bureaucratic body - which has been 9mos. in waiting.

I am growing very weary of watching WH go to work everyday. Lately I have been doing LB's with my frustration of it all - but mostly just feeling hopeless that we can ever move on! WH is well respected in his field and I don't want him to jeopardize his chances of this move but it feels like I can't wait any longer. He has 6wks holidays but won't take them so we can have the money paid out when he leaves. WH has really been making an effort at filling my LB but it just doesn't seem to stay full. We are both in IC/MC.

WH also tells me of any conversations between them but I sense he is growing weary of this as well which triggers me. I can tell by what she says to WH that she is still playing games. She went so far as to offer to my husband for me to call her. I knew it was a veiled attempt to look good in his eyes and she proved me right when I took her up on her offer - she spewed every vulgarity she could think of (was of course drunk) and stated that I had no right to judge her. The next day she phoned WH and "told on me" about what I had said. I was surprisingly restrained (in comparison to what I have been saying to WH) - however she reported it as brutal but WH was standing there when I made the call so he knew better. I should say that she knew WH was married - in fact she had been in our home and met the rest of the family (daughter 8)! I have no desire to speak with her again (which she has tried to). I was well prepared with the "letter to OW" I had been working on for months - so I got to say what I needed to say and that obsession is now over. There are other things that she continues to do such as "work out of her home". I noticed several cell phone calls to her home number and WH stated that she often calls from there and he needs to return calls for work. He also uses cell phone for work but I receive the bill. I truly believe him but I have asked him to stop doing this for the obvious reasons besides enabling her. He has agreed that he will only communicate with her at work. We have had to leave a restaurant because she was there and she has answered the phone when I have called at work (now I use his cell#) All of this (including an STD) of course triggers me and sets me back.

This whole thing has thrust me into a world that I had very little knowledge of. I have purchased SAA and several other books which I have been absorbing like a sponge. I seriously think this stuff should be presented in Marriage Prep - by the time it happens it's too late. WH has read this site although he does not visit everyday like I do. We are strong Christian people married for 15 years in Oct (I know good month to start an A.) This was so out of character for my WH and it still seems so surreal to me at times. He had the opportunity presented to him and he took it! Our marriage was in a serious slump at the time. He did the one thing that I had told him I could never forgive - but strangely I have and I want to spend the rest of my life with him if we can ever move on from this heartwrenching pain. WH is very remorseful and can't recognize himself during that time period or understand why he made that choice.

I have tried to post on here several times but everytime I started to tell the story it was just too painful. I'm hoping that just sharing this will help some. I admire those of you who have a worse scenario going on. As I read some of the stories I don't know that I could do the same thing. The veterans continue to give me hope that we can recover from this but somedays it feels like I can't go on one more day! I would appreciate any comments/insight you may have.

Thank you SH for this site and all of you who have the courage to post.

What this boils down to is....

Your priorities.

If your H`s career is more important then the M/family then by all means he should stay right where he is.

But if the M and your family tops the list then some sacrifices must be made.

Drastic situations sometimes call for drastic sacrifices. Sure a job change is HUGE hassle and it can hurt a family financially but if that`s what is needed to preserve the family and the family is your top priority then so be it.

I think you are starting to figure out that you can`t negotiate NC. NC is NC. No contact in any way shape or form ever. It`s actually pretty simple to apply once you are willing to make the sacrifice.

What is happening here is akin to picking a scab. The wound will never entirely heal as long as it`s being picked at. Continued contact is picking at your wound.

You might want to post a poll on this....ask how many longtime successfully recovered members here have continued contact with the OP. You might find a member or two who is contacted occasionally by the OP (such as H and myself) but our OW is completely ignored when she does this.

Those are key ingredients to success. NC followed by ignoring. It is an important step in recovery that cannot be skipped over.

Daisy37 - thanks for responding. I agree wholeheartedly with your response. At this point nothing is more important than my family and marriage. FWH is taking a different perspective that as the main income for the family he is doing what is best right now because we are very much in debt - mainly from the choice for me to stay home with my daughter. So I guess our priorities are not matched at this point.

I think I made the mistake of showing FWH this post hoping he would understand where I'm coming from and reading a reply in support of that. To say the least he is extremely angry and wants to stay the course saying that it is easy for others to say what they do when they don't have the debt to pay off. Is this a guy thing? or am I paranoid about him wanting to stay?

When I proposed some alternatives such as transferring to another unit - there is nothing available to transfer to. Taking some stress leave? No. Borrowing more money from family just until he gets another job - No. Take all six weeks holidays and hope the registration comes through. He said he would take a day or two.

My feeling is that when/if the registration ever comes it may still be a negative reply - what then? Putting up with all of this for nothing. Our conversation ended in anger with more LB's and him reminding me that we both got us into debt and we both need to get us out. "Putting his foot down" is what he called it. You can imagine how that sat with me.

I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I am currently on AD's and have been since the beginning but I still feel extremely depressed lately. The problem is I've lost the enthusiasm I had in the beginning of trying to make this work and I don't know how to get it back. I just feel so tired. He would like for me to go and visit family to "get away" from this for awhile - having read this site I don't feel that is a good thing to do.

I don't think there are any answers other than figuring out what I want to do. How long do I stick this situation out?

TH, I am sorry you are in this situation, but I assure you that your marriage is not in recovery. That cannot happen until contact ends. To believe otherwise is to imagine that an alcholic can "recover" while having only "workplace drinks" in the company bar. It just ain't going to happen. Y'all will have to make some hard choices here if you want to save your marriage, I am afraid, or you will be dealing with this affair for YEARS. Recovery will never take place until contact ends.

This forum has many stories of members who imagined they could beat the no contact and still recover. Many have been dealing with on again, off again affairs for years because they ignored Dr.Harley's CRITICAL ADVICE. It is absolutely critical to the recovery of your marriage:

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

These things...the debt, financial hardship...are consequences of an A. Many of us experienced them...my H had to transfer and begin again...he did.

Others have quit jobs and moved...and they were no more able to afford it than you guys would be...yet they knew their marriage could NOT afford anything less.

This is tough--truly, arduously tough...and doable. Why? Because until you make your marriage your first priority, protecting it from contact, recommitment...going through all those stages...then your marriage will not survive and learn to thrive...

Your WH is a man...fully capable of manning up to this...he can do it...the debt he is in to his marriage is deeper than any financial one...and Financial Security (FS) is an EMOTIONAL NEED...he may not realize it yet, but he will admire, accept and appreciate HIMSELF more for the choices he makes now for the marriage, for you, than choosing against the marriage.

My H chose to transfer not because he was recommiting to the marriage...he wanted to figure out if he would even try to work on the marriage...and he had to eradicate the influence of seeing OW at work, shut out her influence...by transferring. No Contact is the only way to get to clarity...and taking all the consequences...my DH was terribly afraid, near panicked by the change...and he did it, anyway.

I will tell you that God blesses the choice of marriage over anything else...because my H's transfer ended up cutting his gas through mileage in half; gave him bigger bonuses and as a lovely blessing, built him a brand new store--with more employees and responsibility. This all came down the road...when it looked like he was taking a financial, self-esteem and self-respect hit...as consequences to his choices...

Now, he thrives.

Why would your WH's anger be your fault, TH? You showed him what you were trying to communicate, for clarity. Please respect his emotions, thoughts and beliefs are his alone...they are valid...they are his...not yours. You cannot cause, control or cure him. Only you. Human limits.

Do you fear his anger because that is why he chose to have an A? Do you believe you can cause someone to be that angry? Or can you see it was his choice, nothing made him, could make him choose that...please respect his choices. He's choosing now.

And you are choosing.

I went through three months of contact at work...I know how devastating it really is...hurts over and over...LLG, here on MB, has had to go through seven months...

Please stop solving your WH's problem...he has the consequence of his actions...if he cannot afford to own them, then can he afford a divorce? Seriously...you've been betrayed. You want to save your marriage...and No Contact is barely the first step...if he's not willing to do that, even to get clear on his life, his emotions...his own stuff...then how do you think he will do recovery?

All contact...even just visual...continues the A...no withdrawal until it all ceases...no getting to the reasons, the whys and the true choices...the ownership...until the undue influence is completely gone...

I'm sorry to be so firm on this...all of it hurts...the A, getting to NC, through withdrawal...and into recommitment...dealing with your pain, not having your ENs met...all of it...lots of stuff you choose to abide, to embrace, even...your own personal recovery work...please don't get in the way of your H's consequences...it is part of the amends, the redemption...

My H ended up building some real self-esteem, true self-respect and has pride in the way he recovered our marriage and is personally recovering from his infidelity...I think it is essential...makes a new marriage, instead of reclaiming the old one.

LA

Is there any possibility you could go to work to help while he is changing jobs?

Thank you all for your responses. This is such a relief to be able to share my fears but at the same time face them.

MelodyLane - I agree with you and that is the "knot" that stays in my stomach. WH has done everything I have asked him to do except this. I have seen some of the fog lift from first discovering but what you have confirmed is the fear that it will not totally be gone until OW is gone. I feel stuck in the little progress we have made so far. Thanks so much for taking the time to provide links and other posts to support this. I will ask him to read them.

LovingAnyway - The consequences of the A are exactly what I told him. I have been in the position to give up everything at one time and it was very scary but I had him to lean on. I let go of my immediate/extended family due to childhood incest. They all betrayed me but I was able to walk in the light once I did this. I vacilate in taking ownership for this sometimes probably due to the first betrayal but I try to remind myself it is not mine. I truly believe that another door will open for him and you're right he needs to solve this - but this is the way he is choosing to do it.

Don't apologize for being firm - it's one of the reasons I sought out to post here. Again - I have worked hard on my past betrayal but I believe alot of it is being triggered again and I think I am falling into old habits of wanting to fix and control the situation. Your words really gave me a deja vu feeling.

Your last paragraph is what I truly wish for my H - My IC said the same thing. I know that it will lead to healing his spirit. I get it that this was his path to take and at the same time he did it because he was lacking everything in that paragraph at the time.

I also understand that we have a very long way to go and we can't move forward until there is NC in any form - even though there is alot of negative tension between him and OW now. My H has chosen to solve it this way. It's hard to trust that this will bring us to where we both want to be. I just want to move forward so badly.

Believer - I should have mentioned that although I am a SAHM I do have a part-time contract job that I work out of my home. In the fall it will become fulltime and I will have to work on site.

You ladies have been very supportive and helpful - you have no idea how much your support means to me today! I was able to make an appointment with my IC today for tomorrow. It's been a couple of months since I've seen her because school let out and I put it on the back burner.