"force" made me LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

yeah (sarcasm fully engaged) try THAT ! .... use your gun ! You'll need it! LOL

~~~~~~~~~~OK laugh at YOUR expense over~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Invite her to a movie
Invite her to a concert
Invite her shopping
Invite her out to a fancy restaurant

Treat her like you'd like her future HUSBAND to treat her

special

how can she compete with your girlfriend for your attention? ~~~~> by acting out

Pep

papa...

"" Yes, your GF stepped over the line. It is far better to stay quiet and leave the discipling to you. You should have pulled her aside and talked to her.

I remember throwing a fit of anger very similar to your daughters. I was 26. All of it was a reaction to what was happening and the changes in my parent's lives. I yelled at my mother for what she was doing. It was simply a reaction to the changes, and nothing more.

Please be very delicate with your daughter. She needs constant reassurance from you that she is the most important female in the world to you. No one will ever be as important to you. She NEEDs to hear this. ""



yes...this was done....

another thing...

i recently had a death in my family...

last tuesday, we all go to funeral, GF included...

relationship between dd and GF was fine...NO tension and NO issues...

no balking at GF going...etc...

not until X got involved and started to undermine...

X happened to be out of town during this time and dd stayed with grandma....

i truely belive that although GF has become the focus...the larger problem is the UNDERMINING from X...

GF is repectful of boundries and discipline....a MISTAKE was made by her...yes...she should NEVER have said something...

but.....that dosent change what X is doing....

how does someone deal with that???

pep.....

your killin me!!

i already thought about taking her to lunch....

no pressure, small talk...happy talk...

just see how things go...maybe in the next day or two...

im off work for couple days, so i have the time...

good idea

by drawing your daughter toward you with consistent love and understanding

and by paying attention

pay attention to her

A L O N E

with no one else around

I know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am killing you with love because YOU protect ME

and I love that about you

Pep <~~~ thanking YOU

Sturgis....

I know you are trying...

AND AGAIN..
I only offer my OPINION...because you asked...

yesterday dd calls me after initially agreeing to therapy...she said that now that she agreed to go, why wont i give her phone or insurance back...

i dont care if she gets insurance....those are privilages i have paid for and now, will not...i will not reward bad behavior...these are privilages...NOT necessity

this is hard for me to understand....

I think this might be hard for a sixteen year old to understand...

we preach here...reward the positive....even the tiniest of postives...

your daughter agrees to counseling....

you hold it over her head....
and basically give her no out

dammned if she does
dammned if she does not...

YOU
want to build communication

not powerstruggle
not strike back in ways that are out of her control and make her even more powerless.....as a minor

how much are YOU participating the pitting and control of the child amongst the grownups....

also your comment about your boy always saying yes.....to having the girlfriend cause he has the OPTION to choose...

is it really choice...

upset dad and the girlfriend...

where will that leave him....

can some of it be born out of 'fear' of displeasing the adults in his life...

teen rebellion
limit testing
are all NORMAL processes that teens must do....

consequences are GOOD
they keep them safe.....and informed...so the boundaries are clear.....

but pick your boundaries wisely...

insurance as a boundary...

how does a sixteen learn from that...

if you take away a teens phone...
and they go get a job
and they get a phone...
and they pay for the phone...

the lesson is there
the choice is theirs...
the REWARD is huge...
learning autonomy....responsibility..mastering of tasks setting goals..etc

insurance though.....how does a sixteen year old girl GO get insurance...

she is backed against a wall on that one..
mom will rally to her side.....
and the war is on....

boundaries need lessons of give and take and growth..
they need the wiggle room to fail...and then be conquered...

I came home after my first semester in college...I had good grades...
I just didn't like it...

my dad took me outside one day in the garden..

he said
you get a job
you pay for your first semester
you get good grades
we pick up the rest....
ps....here's your bill for rent this month....

I got a job.
I paid for school
I liked paying for school so much I paid for ALL of it...
they let me slide on couple months rent...OK pretty much all the rent.....after a while...

I learned that my dad could respect my choices even if he hated them....
but
that to live with him...
and to live with MY choices....
they came with great responsiblities....

ARK^^

GAWD dang....

being a parent is hard!!!

thats a delicate balance....

love sometimes gets blurred with "buying" things and "buying" affection, versus the gift of time and affection...

especially dealing with a TEENAGE girl!!

"consistant love and understanding", also needs to be balanced with responsibility and boundries...

she knows the difference between right and wrong....

how do you enforce rules without consistant boundries when they have the "mom" escape????

Sturgis

Let me tell you about my mood today ...

our former "problem child" is now 20

EMT
working 911 calls in S. Los Angeles area ...

He calls me yesterday

"Mom, I had my first cardiac arrest today"

"A 20 year old girl who hung herself."

"I did CPR, Mom."

"She died."

.......... suicide is very sobering

PEPS
SON

is on his way to being a MAN...

he will see humans at their best and at their worst...

he will learn real compassion and real fear....

(he will also learn a little arrogance...cause GOOD EMTS need it......) all medical people KNOW it's true.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

PEP is probably very PROUD.....and a little sad...

ARK^^

ark...

good points...

i understand what you are saying...

in all honesty.....I AM PISSED at X!!

ok...that said, i am really trying to balance what i believe to be reasonable boundries...

i have continually stressed that...

i am not punishing her, but i am NOT rewarding bad behavior...

the phone is a reward...

the insurance goes hand in hand with the basic concepts of TRUST...

without going too deep,

we are having somewhat of a trust issue with dd...choice of friends....dabbling with marijuana and alcohol...

I KNOW what its like to be a teen....i was there and did the same things SOOOO im not on a soap box,

but.....

theses are rewards to me for GOOD behavior...whether its grades, attitude, telling the truth...etc...

being disrespectful, defiance and poor behavior without CONSEQUENCES because of what i believe the X to be doing...

this compounds the problem....

i made boundries....she crossed them numerous times before the "hammer" dropped...

its easier for X to attack me and make GF a target than it is for X just to buy phone....

again....these seem like topics...not symptoms....

but what do i know....

continueing what i had been doing before was just compounding the problem.....

this SEEMS to have shaken the "bee hive"!!!

and it stings!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

pep...

being a cop for almost 22 years has given me some jaded sense of right and wrong...made me calous when i should be sensitive and made me hard when i should be caring...

i saw my first dead body and death at 21....i still remember it as if it was yesterday...

but....

what your son is doing IS honorable and its really NO differnet that the young soldiers in the military or in LE...

you should be PROUD of him!!

Thanks guys

This was not the first death he's dealt with

BUT

the first death of someone his OWN age

and it hit him HARD

he's off today

I told him I'd take him out for coffee when I get off work & we could talk ...

he said it was so hard doing chest compressions when it felt like HIS heart

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

whoa!

Pep

it gives you a wierd sense of mortality...

to see someone your own age die...

it did and still does at times...

i still will cry at a babies death....

being a parent evokes those kinds of emotions.

Sturges

Boundaries with a teenage girl

ours is 17

she was the "meek one" ... while Mr EMT Big Shot was the one who made the rest of us run screaming to the therapist !!!

Guess what?

The meek one has started pushing back !!!

We're so happy for her !!!!

secretly happy

I hide my joy from her lest I give her permission to escalate her fresh rebellion

boundaries are softly delivered as something she has decided she needs based on the messages her behavior has shown us

such as:

"We learned from our mistakes. We won't be paying for text messaging."

~she pushes back~

we listen

we say... "nevertheless, We will not be paying for text messaging."

same thing with curfew... "nevertheless, our decision is 11 PM."

it's not easy ... who lied to you and told you this was going to be easy????

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
These children should not be put in this position. THis is a decision you should make. It should not be up to them whether or not GF comes. Children should not be forced to make adult decisions.

I'd say

HECK YES I MIND .....

I'd be thinking

If i say I mind will my dad and girlfriend be 'mad' at me..

What is the right answer to keep the peace....

and get rewards...

ARK

points well taken.....

isnt life AWESOME.....my mom sez..."your paying for the "sins" of your youth"....

i was the "black sheep" of the family....but........

i see the opinions of you guys and will re-visit where im at with my kids....

i just dont see an easy fix to this problem....atleast in the "short term" as far a X undermining...

son just got up and wants to take the chopper for a spin to breakfast.....

NOW......THATS QUALITY TIME!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I am really confused - as a young adult I was taught to respect my elders - respect my parents - do what I am told - and do it with a smile. I know growing up with divorced parents is not easy - but come on. And if I had been rude and surly if someone had pointed that out to me my parents would have been fine with that and actually I probably would have been told again by them.

What if Sturgis had given her back her phone - do you really thing his dd would have still gone to therapy - it sounds like she is being a little minipulative - as most 16 year olds are. Sounds like she is playing both sides but her father is not letting her get away with it. JMHO

well well......

i went to see therapist today and went through my sitch...

and guess what.....

everyone is pretty much RIGHT ON THE MONEY!!!!

its as if she was reading some of the responses i got to my post.....

ok....enough already!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

what she said is stuff we (i) already know about dealing with kids..especially teens....

firm but fair...and NEVER sacrafice ones principles...

she agreed that GF was out of line and in the future she should NEVER NEVER NEVER take sides or get involved in any negative exchange if she wants to maintain a relationship with my kids....me and GF talked about tonight....she 100% agrees and understands she made a mistake....

dd is angry at the world right now, GF just merely gave her and my X and easy target....stuck out her chin...so to speak....

as far as rewarding or not rewarding based on behavior...she also said that i need to stick to my guns and NOT rewared bad behavior....if that means no phone or insurance...so be it...

if dd acknowledges behavior and makes steps to correct it and honestly tries...its ok to to re-intoroduce certain things...but right now....let her make the behavior change...

she said...call her daily..tell her i miss her and i love her...take her to lunch etc...but small talk...happy talk...etc...

i should not expect any great movement any time soon...

as far as EX's are concerned............WELL..............

thats a whole 'nother issue.....maybe another thread someday!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

thanks all for the comments and input.....

you guys are all on the money!!!