k, i have been here many many times, read a ton, have HN/HN and LB (havent finished reading them all ) as well as Divorce-busting (any comments on that book). i have shared my story, but have new understandings and a plan that i hope to be able to even have the chance to implement..and hope i have the patience and strength.
story is: H had a significant bday, revealed "love you, not in love with you", "dont know if i want to be married", "dont need anybody", "dont want to try to make it better", "confused..dont know what i want" and "its me, not you"--among many other things (but those are the classics!). just prior to this, i had suspicions re: him and OW who is mom to my sons good friend, and who has repeated 3x/week contact with him (if not more) at a common sport activity. i have tried several times, sev different wordings (once even in MC) and there is absolute denial re: EA, much less PA. i have even at the outset spoken to the OW several times, who interestingly is very nice, very interested in being my friend, and seems (?) genuine, given she is a single mom and claims she would never EVER do anything that would potentially have impact on her daughter..leave it at, everything she has said to me is COMPLETELY consistent with being on the up and up, OR, she is satan spawn.
so, the past weeks, reading, reading, reading, the only thing that makes sense to me about this sudden realization of his, his anger and hostility/irritability and complete confusion re: "MY DECISION"..is that for sure, this is an EA, at minimum. i could be naive, but in my heart, i think that is what it is..AND (again, coudl be naive) but i truly believe it is one-sided..ie, she does not really reciprocate (yet).
so, that being said--ie, i have accepted this is what the real deal is..i have questions.
1) i have read alot (esp WATS big general posts) about the course of affairs--and it truly seems to me that i agree, not much of what i will do will affect the course--it needs to die its natural death. i did initially snoop, found 4 phone calls in about a weeks time...confronted (too soon, undercover now--deleting) but got nowhere. i still watch and try other things to potentially catch something, but have been unsuccessful, given i suspect this is a one-sided thing (for him) and that i spoke to her early on after he told her no more phone calls-- when she asked me what she could do to make me feel better about the situation, i said, no calls/emails..she agreed--i honestly dont think they are calling/emailing, but again, i could be wrong..
so, is this ok do ya think? just keep snooping, probably not to find anything, but to let it go? if i find anything, just keep it to myself?
2) so, i got advice before that i need to get my butt up there to the sporting event..and i hear ya...but..sorry to harp at it..but it truly makes H pretty angry..seems like too big of a LB in the wake of things, ESP if this has to run its course anyway. sure, if i KNEW for sure, could PROVE what is going on, i might have a leg to stand on..but not having that, might i do more harm than good? also, it would be a HUGELY obvious inconvenience that seemingly wouldnt be justified to anyones mind, since i have 2 other children who need to be brought home from daycare far away at taht time...(sorry if confusing).
so, is it OK sometimes to just NOT force the NC thing? let the EA go the way it would naturally progress?
3) is there an advantage to being more honest with the OW in this situation (have read that big post on the pros and cons of contacting)--my sitch seems a little different, since really, this OW is and has always been trying hard to be my friend, offered to do whatever she can for me (short of not going to the sporting event with her kid..she is a single mom)--she *almost* has me believing, leaning towards not total divulgence of info, but SOME to attempt to "keep the enemy closer", if that makes sense..
thoughts?
4) so my plan is, as of this 5 min, to stop LB (read that entire book), max EN (tho he says he doesnt have any EN..uh huh) and i have SAA on order..just to be a good good wife, best myself, and let the EA go its course, loving him until i feel my bank is getting dry (read the "dont plan a too long" post too..like 10+ times) and then plan b.
how does that sound? i sure wish this EA would run dry...
thanks in advance..i could read this site forever.
sss
