Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 38
S
Member
Member
S Offline
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 38
k, i have been here many many times, read a ton, have HN/HN and LB (havent finished reading them all ) as well as Divorce-busting (any comments on that book). i have shared my story, but have new understandings and a plan that i hope to be able to even have the chance to implement..and hope i have the patience and strength.

story is: H had a significant bday, revealed "love you, not in love with you", "dont know if i want to be married", "dont need anybody", "dont want to try to make it better", "confused..dont know what i want" and "its me, not you"--among many other things (but those are the classics!). just prior to this, i had suspicions re: him and OW who is mom to my sons good friend, and who has repeated 3x/week contact with him (if not more) at a common sport activity. i have tried several times, sev different wordings (once even in MC) and there is absolute denial re: EA, much less PA. i have even at the outset spoken to the OW several times, who interestingly is very nice, very interested in being my friend, and seems (?) genuine, given she is a single mom and claims she would never EVER do anything that would potentially have impact on her daughter..leave it at, everything she has said to me is COMPLETELY consistent with being on the up and up, OR, she is satan spawn.

so, the past weeks, reading, reading, reading, the only thing that makes sense to me about this sudden realization of his, his anger and hostility/irritability and complete confusion re: "MY DECISION"..is that for sure, this is an EA, at minimum. i could be naive, but in my heart, i think that is what it is..AND (again, coudl be naive) but i truly believe it is one-sided..ie, she does not really reciprocate (yet).

so, that being said--ie, i have accepted this is what the real deal is..i have questions.

1) i have read alot (esp WATS big general posts) about the course of affairs--and it truly seems to me that i agree, not much of what i will do will affect the course--it needs to die its natural death. i did initially snoop, found 4 phone calls in about a weeks time...confronted (too soon, undercover now--deleting) but got nowhere. i still watch and try other things to potentially catch something, but have been unsuccessful, given i suspect this is a one-sided thing (for him) and that i spoke to her early on after he told her no more phone calls-- when she asked me what she could do to make me feel better about the situation, i said, no calls/emails..she agreed--i honestly dont think they are calling/emailing, but again, i could be wrong..

so, is this ok do ya think? just keep snooping, probably not to find anything, but to let it go? if i find anything, just keep it to myself?

2) so, i got advice before that i need to get my butt up there to the sporting event..and i hear ya...but..sorry to harp at it..but it truly makes H pretty angry..seems like too big of a LB in the wake of things, ESP if this has to run its course anyway. sure, if i KNEW for sure, could PROVE what is going on, i might have a leg to stand on..but not having that, might i do more harm than good? also, it would be a HUGELY obvious inconvenience that seemingly wouldnt be justified to anyones mind, since i have 2 other children who need to be brought home from daycare far away at taht time...(sorry if confusing).

so, is it OK sometimes to just NOT force the NC thing? let the EA go the way it would naturally progress?

3) is there an advantage to being more honest with the OW in this situation (have read that big post on the pros and cons of contacting)--my sitch seems a little different, since really, this OW is and has always been trying hard to be my friend, offered to do whatever she can for me (short of not going to the sporting event with her kid..she is a single mom)--she *almost* has me believing, leaning towards not total divulgence of info, but SOME to attempt to "keep the enemy closer", if that makes sense..

thoughts?

4) so my plan is, as of this 5 min, to stop LB (read that entire book), max EN (tho he says he doesnt have any EN..uh huh) and i have SAA on order..just to be a good good wife, best myself, and let the EA go its course, loving him until i feel my bank is getting dry (read the "dont plan a too long" post too..like 10+ times) and then plan b.

how does that sound? i sure wish this EA would run dry...

thanks in advance..i could read this site forever.

sss

Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 38
S
Member
Member
S Offline
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 38
sorry..hoping to get a few replies before i leave work for the day!

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Member
P Offline
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
I would say ...

Plan A your butt off

a stellar Plan A

cook the most amazing meals
look amazing
send him little loving messages throughout the day

and for the next 4 weeks snoop stealth-like

if, after 4 weeks
he is still in contact with OW

EXPOSE to EVERYONE in 1 fell swoop ... scorch the Earth ...
then

wait another 2 weeks of Plan A
(during which time you contact a family law attorney & learn what your rights are and are not)

then fire up Plan B immediately

that's my opinion

Pep

Last edited by Pepperband; 07/31/06 03:13 PM.
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,978
C
Member
Member
C Offline
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,978
Pep..is right (of course! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

Don't trust OW for 1 minute...she is not your friend. Your situation sounds exactly like mine (expect OW in my case was married) WH met her at kids sporting events. Didn't want me there....I bought the line...ignored my gut. There is at least EA going on. Follow pep's advice!


aka-confused42
BS-45 me
WH-42
DS-14 & DD-12
together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs
"I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04
D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06
5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06
Recovery finally began Jan 2007
We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 38
S
Member
Member
S Offline
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 38
sorry if this sounds idiotic...

but can you expose with no evidence, only a gut feeling?? what if i never get evidence, just still have this strong feeling?

chacha..did the OW in your situation try to befriend you??

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Member
P Offline
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
snoop hard enough while charming the socks off your H with plan A

he'll drop his guard

GPS on his car
check the milage on his car
voice-activated tape recorder
hire a PI

get the evidence ... & then lock it away

hunny ... I TRUST your feeling ... but I would not EXPOSE based solely on a feeling

give him no reason to suspect YOU are suspicious!

Pep

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Member
P Offline
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
phone records
credit card records
drop in on him at work Unannounced to bring him fresh-baked cookies <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Pep

Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,978
C
Member
Member
C Offline
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,978
Quote
chacha..did the OW in your situation try to befriend you??


Absolutely. Our daughters had sleepovers. Our families even went on vacation together. She would email me jokes, and call. Our families got together every weekend to watch NASCAR, shared recipes, etc. Trying to get close to me to get closer to my H.She even bought me a birthday present (which I threw in the trash unopened) It worked...sort of. I knew something wasn't right, couldn't prove a thing. Everyone said "They are JUST friends." I had panic attacks because I ignored my gut and tried to accept that they were friends and the rest was my imagination. UNTIL I put a voice activated digital recorder in my WH car and hired a lawyer and PI. To my knowledge JUST friends don't secretly meet in parking lots and make out in the car.

BTW...we are now working in early, early recovery. FWH has established NC w/ OW. Listen to Pep. This stuff works if you do it.


aka-confused42
BS-45 me
WH-42
DS-14 & DD-12
together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs
"I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04
D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06
5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06
Recovery finally began Jan 2007
We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,701 guests, and 92 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
litchming, scrushe, Carolina Wilson, Lokire, vivian alva
72,031 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Three Times A Charm
by Vallation - 07/24/25 11:54 PM
How important is it to get the whole story?
by still seeking - 07/24/25 01:29 AM
Annulment reconsideration help
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:05 PM
Help: I Don't Like Being Around My Wife
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:01 PM
Following Ex-Wifes Nursing Schedule?
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:21 AM
My wife wants a separation
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:20 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,031
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2025, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 8.0.0