Hey All~
Well, I have been tinkering once again with a dating site.
I'm very skeptical of them, but I'm trying to put myself out there....again.

I have a guy that sent me a message.
On the surface per profile, sounds okay, his picture appears to be decent, lives with pets, seems stable.
Now we're entering red flag territory.....
He's 48, no kids, [clincher] never been married. He also lives 1.5 hours from me.

What do I make of 48 and never been married?? Is that normal? I'm thinking not. I know, someone is going to say you don't have to marry him, but really, how large is this flag?

Karona

Karona ~ Why fool with an unknown?!?!

I'm 47, never been single, might live close by?? Or at least a 1.5 hour flight away!! 2 wonderful kids that I adore & actively father...hehehe

Seriously, I've asked myself the same Qs ref folks I've met that have stayed single. What I've discovered is that in general, there are pretty good reasons why they're single all this long. And the reasons have proved to disqualify them for me once I figure it out. Your mileage may vary, but this is what I've seen.


Smiles!

Hey HighFlight!

Good to see you around again! Did you pull that off your site? just kidding!
Why am I fooling with the sites? Good question! My heart is intact where men are concerned right now. Why mess with it?

I think you're right on though.
I was leaning that direction myself, but thought maybe I was being too "picky" as I've been accused of by some well meaning friends.

Thanks for sharing your experiences!
I guess it's time for a little white un-truth!

Karona

Um, FOR ME, it's about one of the biggest red flags there is! Only cuz I've BTDT and it was a disaster. My ex-never married no children 40's dude, is single (STILL!) for a reason.

<shudder>

I say, keep looking! Sorry to be so biased, but there you have it. I AM speaking from experience <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Hey, that's what I'm looking for! Honest, BTDT answers!

I appreciate it!
K!

hmmmmm....

I was 40 when I married.

I guess that explains why my W had an A and generally treated me like trash.

Because any guy who didn't marry before 40 obviously has issues.

That explains it.

Yep.

But now I'm 48 and D'd and have a child. Do you think maybe I'm "improved"?

Give the guy a chance! A phone call is not a marriage. A date is not a marriage.

-AD

red falgs, snap judgements, rational fears, they are all part of it Karona. Don't fence yourself in. Of what I know about you, you are intelligent, funny, spirited, interesting , and very attractive. You have a package that any man would want. Stay open minded. Meeting new people is meeting new people, not getting married or even getting involved. There is only one of me, sorry you missed out. Maybe there is someone like me around you and we just need to find him. Good luck with the dating site and the grocery store and mutual friends who are guys. He's out there, I promise.

I'm sorry AD if my thread offended you. I honestly didn't mean to offend anyone.

and gekko, you summed it up pretty well. My flag radar is set on high, and the fears are there too, and obviously judgements.
Thanks for the generous words!
And I missed the train, darn! It's good to know there's another one coming. Patience Karona, patience.

Thank you both for your thoughts!
Karona

I say give it a try. My friend says NMNK is a red flag, but I think there are people out there who have waited. Now, if he's NMNK and never been in a long term relationship, that's much more of a red flag to me (and describes my last BF well. There's a reason he wasn't married).
I know of two cases of NMNK around 30ish who married Dw/kids and these men are wonderful fathers and spouses. In both cases, the real father wasn't around. I think it's the person, not their status.

When you were younger, would you have dated someone who was divorced with kids? I know I wouldn't. And I still made a bad choice.

You are so right Newly, I would have never considered dating a divorced guy many years ago. Life does have some twists doesn't it? What's the old saying, never say never?
I decided to pass this opportunity. I think I'm glad I did.
It's so hard to 'hear' tone in written words, but I think it's possible he had one in his response to me. If so, than I'm glad I passed this one by.

I will keep the NMNK in mind, and try to be more open minded in the future.

K!

i still say the grocery store is in play. you have teens right? high school events bring out the divorced dads like fireflys to a bug zapper.

never thought of that gekko. there ya go karona! what about highschool events.. they usually are full of divorced dads. even my kids, who are elementary age, have sporting events full of divorced dads... none i would want but... i'm a picky snob remember? hehehehe

mlhb

I see no dating possibilities in the kids events.

Does anyone else feel like they are the sole "divorcee" in a married world? I was just thinking I should have moved into the divorced condos rather than a single family home. I could have avoided the yard work, and had a built in network.

The only dad I see repeatedly is about 5'4" and is a PhD candidate with no real income. He does attend kids events, including girl scouts. The funny thing is that our girls have the exact same names, and these are not typical names.

Yes Newly, I feel exactly as you do. That would be my reason for taking a walk on the wild side!
Once this month's membership is up, I'm outta there. I don't know why I returned to the site thing. Weak moment? I don't know. I see you have height issues too, 5'4" is pushing it. Poor guy. You know that haunts him daily.

Football season is fast approaching gekko. My daughter is in the band, gotta go watch her, and anyone else that may get in my path!
What's my plan of attack?? Smile?? Someone suggested sultry eyes?? I don't know if I have those. Where do I get them?

and mlhb, picky is a good thing. This is the second time around. Make it count!

K!

Never Married and No Kids is often a warning flag. It is not that the person is bad or defective in some way. Rather, by the time they reach their late 40's and above, they often have had very different life experiences. I have dated a few women who never married and never had kids. They just aren't the same and we just don't connect like I do with a woman who has had kids. They have been able to live a life that is more centered on themselves and this seems to give them a different pardigm when it comes to life and relationships.

And, in a few cases, I find there is a VERY GOOD REASON they never married, and the world is very FORTUNATE they never reproduced. But, that is a small minority.

YIKES!

I tend to agree with you. I would think that by the time a person reached their upper 40's, and never married, they would definitely have their own lifestyle and it would be hard to mix in other people.
If one were content to just date, then I see where it could maybe work.

Thanks!
Karona

Football season is fast approaching gekko. My daughter is in the band, gotta go watch her, and anyone else that may get in my path!
What's my plan of attack?? Smile?? Someone suggested sultry eyes?? I don't know if I have those. Where do I get them?



here is what you should do. master the sly smile and the hair flip. guys love the hair flip. it's sexy but not overtly sexual. it says, hi, i might be interested, talk to me and we'll see. get a conversation going. watch his kid as well. is the child well behaved. is she dressing like a hooker. does she talk back to daddy? these are all signs to the type of dude he may be. any guy who will go watch his son's football game or daughter's cheerleading is a relative good guy. watch out for the guy screaming at the refs in the stands, he's nuts.

No offense taken. Really. I was just trying to say "give the guy a chance."

What we are dealing with here is a stereotype. After you talk to him, or perhaps meet him, you will be dealing more with reality. If you program yourself to search for the hidden flaw - the one that explains why he is as old as he is and not married, you'll surely find one. But, it may be no different than the flaw that another guy has - who married at 24.

-AD

gekko,

And... if you want to impress a guy... admire him.

Didn't you learn that in college?... you know the line "Oh, this is so hard! Can you help me understand these equations? You're so smart."

LOL

<sigh>

I remember some girl saying that to me - but at the time, I didn't have a clue. I remember who it was too. Hmmm I wonder if she's avail... Nah.

<sigh>

-AD

K, I’m dating a NMNK in his mid-forties. I also married a NMNK in his mid-forties. Let me tell you, there is a world of difference between the two men. B, the former H, was more your typical NMNK guy. Turns out, he’s a pretty good dad, but not a terrific husband. At least not for me.

Now, M, is a different sort. While he’s been primarily focused on himself, he does realize that. Occasionally, we see some of the NMNK stuff, like when he changed his mind about going to a party last minute. However, that seems to be the exception rather than the rule.

I myself was NMNK when I got married. I was immature in the extreme. I got married, had kids and changed. That to me, is the real issue: Have you changed and grown, and are you willing to change and grow some more? If M became part of my family, he’d have some changing to do. From what he says, and what little I’ve seen so far, he’s open to it. We’ll see.

Anyway, I would eliminate all NMNK from your list. They have the added benefit on less blending if and when you marry them.