Most of the tragedies shared on here are women who's men got other OW pregnant. I am a bit different. Not that I am unique, but I really need to share my story because there is just too much shame to tell family/friends.

This past weekend, my wife revealed to me that she had an affair three years ago and that our 2 year old son isn't mine. I was angry, I was sad, I was everthing for several hours. . .but then the man in me kicked-in and I decided that I want to fix this (Am I a fool?). I offered to adopt our son and fix our marriage. I feel very strongly that divorce won't do anybody any good.

I worry that I'm making huge decisions too quickly. I loved my wife and son before I knew and I can't just turn it off now. We spent some time together as a family over the weekend and it was nice. There was a warmth between me and my wife that hadn't been there in years, simply because she had been trying to push me away as she dealt silently with her guilt . My interaction with my son didn't change a bit. He's still the greatest and deserves the best. I want to make this work. . .that is if the OM lets me adopt him. I fear that I'm making these desicions too quickly. . .but it still feels so right.

Stilllove,

You are in the right spot, and you are not unique in your position. My H is in your shoes, just a slightly different color. We knew from the moment the P(pregnancy)test showed positive that the baby wasn't H's child, and made the decision during the P to keep and raise the baby as ours together. We never told xom about P, let alone about the baby, so we've never had to deal with him. Our two deciding factors for that were; 1. we didn't want to chance xom following through with his threats of harm to my H. 2. we didn't want to take from the xom's W and D.

Now, I have a couple questions for you here. Do you and your W have any other children together? How long have you been M'd? I'm assuming that the om knows about this child, but has there ever been a DNA test done to prove WHOSE child he truly is?

My advice for you is to read, READ, READ!!!! There is tons of information on this board, including how to get counseling from the Harley's. Read the recommended books, fill out the questionares. Find out wat it was that sent your W to this om in the first place.

As for us, as you will see on my signature, we are still together, just past the 6 year mark for our recovery! It's a rocky road, but we've made it this far, and plan on many decades to come(in fact, while doing some yard work pulling out some old bushes, my H decided to try to scare me about all the spiders living in there, but said they are good spiders. I replied with, "Yeah, until they bite me and I die!" To which he responded, "Don't say that! I want you around for many more decades!!!!") We've never done DNA, but it doesn't matter, since xom never even cared to find out if I was even P! He just wanted to break up my M and when that didn't work, slunk off with his tail between his legs.

Please, read all that you can and come here with any questions you may have. We are here to help you, no matter which side of the nasty A coin you are on.

I think that it is great that you are considering what you are doing!! Dont rush to make the decision, just follow your heart. To you this child is yours, and it is yours in every way!!! Can you live with rasing the child as your own? From your post it sounds like you love the child and it is yours.

First who name is on the birth certicate as fathers?

I know some might not agree but if your name is listed as father then you are the father, when a man and woman is married and the woman has a child the OM cannot come forward and demand a DNA test, only the husband or wife, legally only the two of you have the right. So if you are listed as the father and you decide to continue with being the dad in every sense then there is no reason to ask for adoption. The child is yours!

Others in the same boat will come forward and tell you their stories. not to influence you either way I would like to tell you little about me.

I was not a OC, but I was raised my entire life by another man. I did not find out that he was not my father until I was in my 20's. I will be honest, my life was in a mess but for only a very short time. I mean really short. I met my bio, it only took 2 visits to realize that I was very lucky to not have him as a dad. It made me realize how much my dad did love him, that he choose to love me regardless of what mother nature said. I have alot more respect for him and love for him, for doing that. I feel so special :-) Never once did he make me feel that I was not his child. We grew up very close. And I am happy with the decision that my parents made.

Keep us posted, ask away and do alot of reading. Then listen to what your heart is telling you.

My opinion?...........the OP needs to know. If the child IS someone elses.....the only decent thing is to tell them. I think otherwise it would be just like hiding something in an affair.

I found out "the truth" when our S was 10 (he's now 20). I was in total shock to find out that S was not mine, that W knew it and that the bio was not W's only A during that time period.

Our M was doing quite well at the time I found out and it was an easy decision for me to get past it and move on. I realized that my love for W and S were unchanged and I was able to process it without a lot of emotional pain.

It was actually easier for me to get over than her recent EA (still don't really believe it wasn't PA, too), mainly because our M seemed to be going im the tank before it happened. I'm of the opinion that part of our current problem is failure to resolve the issues related to the past and W's failure to fully disclose that time in her/our life.

If the truth were known, I'd wager that a lot of men are in the same sitch as you, they just don't know about it, and most never will.

I'd only add what has already been said; If your name is on the birth cert, he IS your son! That part can't really be challanged. Also, read evrything you find herein...In my case, just knowing that others have been there, done that has been a great help. Fill out the forms, work through issues that led to the A in the first place, get IC and maybe MC.

Just ask yourself one question; "Do I love my son?" We both already know the answer, since you are here asking for help. You do have work to do with your W, but if you both work on your M together, it can be better than ever and make it so that what happened will be highly unlikely of ever happening again.

So betrayed H, what are you and your W doing to correct this now? Welcome to MB BTW.

Startin' over, I disagree. In many states if they were married at the time of birth the child is LEGALLY the H's. Some places even IF the OP decides to contest paternity they have no legal standing unless the H requests it.

I will see if I can get a couple other BH's with OC to respond to this thread.

Stillinlove-

I am one of five adopted children and my dad loves me as much as he would a biological child. He has been the most loving example of God's love for us that I have evere witnessed.

He always says about his kids "I'm a rich man."

Biology doesn't make a family.
You are a hero in my eyes.

Hang in there-I'll pray for your situation.

Amen! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I second that!!!

I honestly don't know much about this subject, but just reading it, from the outside in, I think...
If that little boy looks up to you and says "daddy I love you" what else could matter in your heart? That little boy only knows you as his daddy, and nobody else.

I DO know from personal experience that all men are NOT meant to be fathers, just by reading your post, I know that you are one of the men who DO deserve to raise a family.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family, and I hope that little boy has the best life possible!!

Later,
Fugitive

Thanks for the kind words. . .but your going to make me cry!!

Thanks for the prayers too.

He knows. . .my W saw the OM in the mall last January and he started doing the math and he realized it was a very good possibility that it was not mine. He asked for and paid for a DNA test without me even knowing. My wife complied with his request because she was curious too.

It's DECENT? WTF does this OM know about DECENT? I don't give a rats [censored] about that home wrecking son-of-a-******'s feelings. He sure didn't care about mine.

Its a hard thing to do but you will need to let go of the bad feelings toward him. It could have been anybody. It took me a while to get over it myself

What does the OM want from this? No contact or contact?

There are some more pep just like us on here(H with OC).

Thanks everyone for your replies.

My wife and I have no other children. Just our two-year-old.

My wife already had a DNA test and the baby is definitely not mine. I am on the birth certificate and we are still married, but the OM does know about him and he has visited him (not with me around though). My son calls me "daddy" but it's tough when you worry that the OM can come and challenge for custody. I don't want to lose him.

My wife is going to talk to him about adoption this week some time. If he says no, I'm worried that what we are trying to cling to will fall apart. I want my marriage, but I want the family too.

I want a lot of things and I worry that if I don't get them, I won't have the will to carry on with any of this.

Is there ever a right time to consider divorce? What if she's using me for what I can provide her? If she stays married to me, it gives her the best shot at maintaining total custody. I will continue to let her stay home and raise him, I will continue to provide for her. I'll provide a nice home and let her continue to do what she's been doing for the last two years. Wow. . .trust issues enter into everything now. . .not just "where is she this evening" or "what is she doing while I'm out of town" but everything.

Okay. . .thanks again. . .time to go read!!

Sorry to t/j but your dad sounds like a very good man. And he is right he is a very rich man......I feel that way about my kiddos too. Agree as well DNA does not make a daddy or mommy, true unconditional love does! Thanks for sharing.

Still: It's very doable. Does the om even know? I'm sure if you just NOw found out that your on the BC and so you should be fine. It can work out if you and your wife make it work!

Please see an attorney right away. Usually consultations are free. You might be worrying about nothing. In many states the fact that you are married and that the child was a product of that union, you are legally considered to be it's father. Consequently, the OP has no legal leg to stand on, no adoption is necessary BUT if you divorce you will be liable for child support no matter what. That is the case in CA.

still,,,,,,, sorry for what has come your way with this emotional mess. i am a bh whos w had oc and we are raising her with the rest of our large family. om does pay cs and does take his vistation. every other weekend. oc is 4 1/2 yo girl. with oc we have 8 kids. but enough about me.

even though the dna test was done, in most states the child is still going to presumed to be yours. om doesn't have the right to challenge it in court unless you or your w agree.

also you might want to check with a family law attorney because in many states after 2 years the oc is automatically yours with no need to adopt. this may seem like a good thing if your marriage heals. but in the event of divorce it may mean that you have to pay cs for this child and your w may not be required to let you see him. highly unlikely if you are paying cs but possible.

some questions i have are: what does your w want to do with this? why is she going behind your back and letting this om see the baby? does she want c or nc? does she want the marriage? what led to her telling you about this after so long? (i think she needed to tell you, buy why?) many times these things are exposed to the bs out of quilt and because the ws thinks that they will have an easy out thinking the bs will divorce them.

don't try to over think what your w wants. talk to her and let her know that you will have some very tough questions for her and you are not tryig to beat her up but you need some very honest answers. then ask her what SHE wants? and listen to her answer. pay attention to the little things. can she look into your eyes with her answer. does she answer right away or him & haw for a long time. compare the way she answers to the way she answers everyday questions. truth can also be evaluated by more then words.

vsixer is right about letting go of the full on anger towards om. i am not trying to belittle your w but you have to remember that she broke your vows. trust me i have no problem if my om fell off the face of the earth but i don't harbor the anger and hate i did at first.

Stillinlove,

super quick response as i am on my way out the door to work.
Big hugs. personally i think there is a special place in heaven for betrayed husbands in this situation.

anyway, DO NOT LET YOUR WIFE TALK TO OM ABOUT ADOPTION without having consulted an attoreny and taken advice. At the moment you are in a strong legal position as the legal father. odds are OM wont have a leg to stand on should he wish to challenge for paternity (the other test would be considered informal since all parties did not agree to it). If you wife starts talking to him about adoption, it could be seen as a waiver of your position as the legal father if it gets nasty.

please take some legal advice.

please, please ,please.

Carolyn

I think every one of us BS have said that at time or another.....:-) and overall I think it is true.

Your going to be dealing with alot, besides dealing the issues with your son, you also have to deal with the terriable pain of finding out about the affair.

The marriage can be fixed. The affair sounds over but you will need to decide on some ground rules about the whole situtation if you guys decide to let him have visitation. Because you are not going to trust her for sometime, plus to stop any old sparks that might resurface. I agree she should of told you when she ran into the OM at the mall and that he put two and two together, she should of let you have some input on if the test should of been done, but that is over with and now you just need to focus on the mending and getting the marriage back on the right tracks.

I agree with others that no matter what the child is yours! There is the law about 2 years. Here is good examples where the courts over looked a dna test.

A girlfriend of mine separted from her H, moved 2 states away, 4 years later met a wonderful guy and they decided to get married, she filed for divorce, it was granted, 5 months after the divorce was granted she found out she was pregnant, the up the wedding date and got married before the child was born. When it was they found out that had to give the baby her X last name because of some stupid law that if a child is concieved within 300 something days of a divorce the child will be considered the first H. They went to court and explained that she was seperated for years lived states away and was divorced and married to the bio dad, but judge said no it was the law. They had the DNA test and still the judge said without her X permission that it was a no go.

Yes they could of contacted the X but then it will show that his real dad adopted him, and that was not the way it should of been. They had to appeal 2 more times before the courts granted that the name of his father should been put in the BC and change his last name to what it should of been.

A perfect example of where even tho the test showed different the law said her X was the F.

So there is hope if you guys do go that route.

Reading posts on here about just the affair is going to help you too, kind of give you a idea of how you are going to feel. I then sit down and explained it all to my H so he was very aware of what I am going thru.

Sharing your thoughts is going to help alot too, a place to vent is always a weight off the shoulder.

Stilllove,

Thank you for answering my other questions. Now I have a couple more, some that I will repeat. Have you thought of having your W come to this site? How does she feel about rebuilding your M?

Right now, you need to find out where she is feeling in all this, or much of the advice I am now going to give won't work. If your W wants to rebuild your M, first thing you HAVE to do is sit down with her and write a NO CONTACT letter. You don't have to be overly harsh, but make sure the point is made that there will be NO MORE DIRECT CONTACT ABOUT ANYTHING AT ANY TIME. Don't mention adoption, attorneys or anything about your personal lives together. Straight forward, NO MORE CONTACT. Make 2 copies, and send OM's copy to him certified, return receipt requested. THEN, talk to an attorney, find out YOUR rights to your son. If at any point you retain said attorney, make a 3rd copy of the no contact letter and give it to him. That way, if contact does need to be made with the xom, you can have the attorney do it all for you.

Here's an interesting thing that we found out while I was P. In the particular state that we lived in at the time of the A/P/birth, it actually states in the laws that if the bio-father of the baby does not file a "claim" with in 90 days of assumed due date then he has NO CLAIM on the child. It basically said that he should know that his actions could result in a child and if he's stupid enough to NOT figure it out in time, then he looses all rights as that child's father. AND in cases where the woman is M'd and the H does NOT want to file to have the child NOT recognized as his, as long as he knows the child possibly could not be his, then H will be recognized as the child's father. In our case, the xmom was actually TRYING to get me P(before you start attacking me, realize that in an A you are in a MAJOR fog and there is MUCH MORE to this story such as threats to my H that if you wish to search back that far you could probably find info on from back in 2000) so if he didn't figure it out, oh well. My point in telling you all that is KNOW YOUR OWN RIGHTS when it comes to your son. If your W wishes to rebuild your M, and the law is on your side, you may not have to go any further than the NC letter to the xom.

Again, I'm going to suggest that you invite your W to at least read here, if not post here as well. SO many times the WW feels dirty and as if no one will wish to help her. Well, that's not the case here on MB. There are many of us WW's, whether we have an OC or not, who can help your W through her time of healing that she too needs to go through.

Keep reading and keep posting. Hopefully it's all helping so far.