My understanding in MI is the same... the best interest of the child is considered, and if the child believes you are his father (he already knows you're Daddy!) and has been raised with you in the home as his father, you have many legal rights. From what I gather, in MI, you would be considered the "putative father" (Google it) and even if you and your W were to divorce you could still be held responsible for child support and entitled to parenting time and/or joint custody. I agree with the others, see an attorney immediately.

If your W and OM had done all this legwork during her pregnancy or when your son was an infant, the court might see it differently, but now that he is older the court may say it is too late for OM to become involved....

All this contact with OM by your W to discuss your son, without you present, is unnecessary because I really doubt that he has any ability to grant you anything - you can't adopt your own son! In many states, DNA doesn't mean all you think it would, the laws are behind the times, and your son was born in wedlock and is considered a product of the marriage. It's at least worth pursuing I think.

Post deleted by StartinOver

Startin Over read the thread the OM DOES KNOW.

Well, in our sitch, the xom threatened DEATH on my H, IN FRONT OF OUR NEIGHBOR, and had no qualms about stalking us, even though his commanding officer told him to STAY AWAY FROM US. SO, I say that the RIGHT thing to do in our sitch is to NEVER tell xom, EVER. Also, 9 times out of 10 the xom doesn't want to have anything to do with the oc anyway. They look at it as a monthly bill that they have to pay until the child is 18. Take a look at Pops' story and you will see that xom is willing to give up his rights to Grace and basically never look back.

I have to say that unless you have BEEN IN OUR SHOES, you will never understand what we go through. I've read up on your story as far back as I could go, and I understand your frustrations with your xw, but you lucked out and have never had the additional pain of dealing with an OC or even the OM, since you didn't find out for nearly 2 years who the guy really was! Don't get me wrong, I am not minimizing your pain that you went through, I've been there myself, but you DO NOT know how you would react in a situation like this UNTIL you are living it. Just be thankful that you don't have to deal with any of the stuff that the rest of us on p/c are dealing with.

What is right for one couple isn't always right for the next. First and foremost comes the M, then the children in that family, THEN, and only if the M'd couple agrees, any further info that needs to be shared can be done with the help of a third party. You understand the need to go NC, so that the 2 involved in the A don't "rekindle" their feelings. I get so frustrated when those who don't understand everything that having an oc does to you and your M, come here and start throwing comments like yours around!

According to you, we should have told a man who attacked my H, threatened to kill him, stalked us, that I was P and invite him in to the rest of our lives?!?! I seem to recall your own concern a few years back that your xw wouldn't even tell you who the om was and you were worried about what this guy might be like who was spending all this time with your kids. How would you have felt if it was a man like the one that we, yes because of my stupidity, would have had to deal with that your xw was bringing around your kids? Your concern was to protect your children, right? Well, that's what my H and I were concerned with, as well as the safety of my H and who knows what xom could have done to me or the other kids!!!!

Now, if you have something to offer that will help others in this situation, please, share. Otherwise, until you have walked even 10 steps in these specific shoes, don't throw around your little comments at those of us who are doing what we have to do to save our M.

Ooops Im very sorry. I will delete my post. Thanks for pointing that out to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

First of all.....your sitch sounds a little different than most I have read. It sounds like your XOM was crazy. Most folk arent like that. Anyhow, I found out the OM in this case does know....which I still think is the right thing to do. I understand that in some cases, such as yours.....its best to keep quiet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

tigger

I also went back on the first post and checked and saw that the advice is coming from someone not walking in the same path as us. It is hard to give advice when you are not there, because you are not ever sure until you do put them shoes on. Asked me 2 years if I would of put or even try to work on a marriage where my H cheated I would said heck no only a fool would do that! But look at me now. Going on 2 year recovery and very happy. Glad i didnt listen to that voice whispering in my ear 2 years ago.

Anyway, IMO, I understand why, but i am sorry that you felt you had to defend your decsion. The one thing that this place has taught me is that every one made the choices in their best ablility to make the marriage work, that is the goal, and the most imporant part, the marriage and not the outsiders that butted in. No stories are the same here, choices are made and the best is made with them choices and I respect every one descion

I totatlly agree, but one thing I dont do is get all flustered with someones opinion in here......I think this is an awesome place for people to discuss their sitch and make comments and have personal opinions......thats what makes it so wonderful. Im on my way out of town for a wedding this weekend.......LOL. Kind of ironic hugh??

Anyhow, everyone have a great weekend, and may god bless each and every single one of yall....... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi stilllove, I'm one of the uncommon 'tragedies' here. I'm the wife who got P in an A.

Each one of our stories here are unique one way or another and as such, one decision or solution may not always apply to next person. One thing is certain though, it's never easy. Dealing with betrayal is hard enough as it is and OCs' make it all the more tougher.


I'm glad finding out the truth didn't change the way you feel about your son. I'm glad acceptance doesn't seem to be much of an issue for you. That's one hurdle most find hard to overcome. I suppose the two years you've had with him counts for so much at this point. Your subject says 'my son isn't mine' -- oh but he is your son. And to him, you're his father.

Yet there is also the other part of your story -- your wife and your marriage, which is the most important of all. A lot of work still lies ahead for you BOTH. I noticed your username, 'stilllove'. I'd like to think that means you still love and continue to choose to love your wife. Or could it simply be silly, hopeful and optimistic me *grin* I hope not.

When you find yourself overcome with the hurt, pain and anger of betrayal, remember the love you still recognize and choose to keep. It is with love that we learn to forgive. Consider too that in an A everybody hurts, and yes that includes us 'offenders'.

My prayers are with you. Be strong. You're no fool.

Take care and God bless.

Soph


PS: I wish my story is as hopeful as yours but like i said, no situation is ever exactly the same in here. We're still in limbo, I guess. I'm not sure how the story will end but with faith and love, I continue to hope things will work out. There's still just so much pain to deal with. Taking it one day at a time.

Hi Stillinlove

The advice about the lawyer is very good.

The other thing - it sounds like your wife is having a lot of independent behavior. She is doing things that affect your life and relationship without consulting you - examples, the affair, the paternity test, etc.

You and your wife should agree that no action is to be taken without an enthusiastic agreement between yourself and her. Read the policy of joint agreement on this site, and the other info with it (i.e. Q&A letters). If you can't come to an agreement on something, then both of you do nothing.

Example - How to proceed with OM. You both agree that you'll go to a lawyer. If you can't agree, you don't go. You both agree that you'll talk to OM, and under what conditions (ie. after seeing lawyer, you'll both be present, what you will agree to regarding this child, etc.) If agreements can't be made about this sort of thing then the conversation doesn't happen.

Your wife's independent behavior is hurting your marriage. If she is concerned that you are not giving her space, you can point out that giving her space resulted in the affair and that this has to be fixed. The affair and the results from it are both of your problems, and you have a say in resolving it.

(((((Stillinlove))))))

Em

Whats the link to your story tiger4jdt?

Well, I've been around for quite a while and I don't have a link to any threads that tells my whole story. If you have any specific questions, I'm usually quite open and willing to share. You could also do a search on my H's profile, under "sailorman59" since he doesn't post anymore, and has fewer posts.

[color:"red"] WOW, did this take me back!!!! Below is the only thread that puts together what we went through in the first few months of recovery. Any questions after that time, just ask. [/color]

Just so some of you know exactly where sm59 and I are coming from, here's our history. I will try to make it short.
We have been married for 11.5 yrs, but have had a relationship for 15. We had a child out of wedlock that we put up for adoption, due to our ages, and not being able to give that child the life it would deserve. We were married a year later, and had our son a year and 3 months after that. The first case of infidelity was about 2 years after our son was born, while I was pregnant with our daughter. I found out from letters that OW had written to H. Needless to say, that was a hard one to handle.

The next thing to happen was on my part about 2.5 yrs later. And I will admit that for me it was something that I did to "get back" at him. He never found out about that until our current situation came about. Around this time, we had decided that we were done having children, so he went in to get that taken care of.

The next 6 years were basically lived in ignorance on my part. With H being in the Navy, he and I were apart for long periods of time. He had been keeping in touch with the first OW for quite a while, even having lunch with her at one time. Then, when he went to school, away from us, it happened again. Then again, at our last duty station. When he came here before the rest of the family, it happened one more time, and they decided to have OW and me be friends so that they could still see eachother once I arrived here. About the time that this last one ended was when I got caught up in my OM. When the kids and I arrived here, it had been since Jan that we had actually lived as a family, due to schools (H's and the kids)and it is hard to jump right back in the relationship when there has been such a large period of time between being together. I was missing that, and shortly after we arrived, he left again for a month. I'm not looking to make excuses, just trying to let you know where I was emotionally. When I met OM, he was attentive to my feelings, and we talked a lot about both our marriages. Although, I didn't have anything bad to say about H at all, I just hated the fact that in the last year we had been seperated so much, due to the job. Just like in Dr. Harley's "His Needs, Her Needs", those emotional needs started to be met. Especially when the job took him away for another 5 mos straight.

Anyway, I got long winded, sorry. When H got back home, I felt even more guilty than I ever did during the 5 mos he was gone, but every time I would say something to OM about wanting to stop, he would hint that he would tell H about 6 yrs ago as well as what had been going on. One thing lead to another, and OM came over to force me to tell H about us. OM continued, after I came out with the truth, to taunt about what had happened and wouldn't leave when asked, and he ended up throwing the first punch. I got a neighbor to pull them apart, and when H went in to call the police, is when OM threatened H's life, to me and infront of the neighbor. He continued even after that to watch our house, and try to talk to me. When I told him, to his face that I didn't want anything else to do with him, he threatened to tell H about 6 yrs ago. I still refused, and got a harrasment charge filed against him, to add to the assault/adultry(military does prosecute for that). We changed our phone #, and told no one what it was. Around that time, H was feeling guilty about what he had done in the past 6 yrs, and came clean, so, I did the same. It has been a very long road for the two of us, that had a bomb planted right in the middle of it for when we found out that I was expecting. To be honest, God really does work in amazing ways, because we both were in the mind set to terminate the pregnancy, but the only number we could find was to a place like Crisis Pregnancy, which, of course, refused to give us any info on clinics. After I spoke with them, we called my parents. I thank God for them every single day. We told them everything, and they further helped us realize that none of this is the child's fault. The next thing to decide was what to do.

With our history of already going through an adoption before, it was a hard one to make. On my side, I didn't want to have H go through the next 18-20 yrs, raising OM child, especially after what OM had done. On his side, he didn't want me to have to go through the pain of carrying a baby for 9 mos and then handing it over to someone else again. We also thought of our children, and trying to explain to them why we couldn't keep the baby that I was going to have. Needless to say, I was leaving it up to my H for what the finaly decision would be, and I didn't pressure him. When he told me what he had decided, he said, "We said before that God will not give us anymore than we can handle. And I know, that with God's help, we can do this together."

There are still times when we both have our doubts, but we talk to eachother about them. Our reason for coming to this board is to try to get some perspective of what we are heading in to. Mostly for him, but also for me. Just because I am the one who is having the child, we are both WS, and BS. It is just a more prominant reminder of what I have done. Some of the help that we are looking for is what to expect, emotionally, and what we can do to overcome some of the situations that may come up(ie: OM trying to get custody or visitation if he finds out, especially with what OM has done). I want to apologize to anyone that I may have offended, my only excuse is that I am quite emotional, since I am still pregnant, and I feel that this may help some of you understand that SM59 was not the only one wronged in our situation. But also that we HAVE been through a lot together, and aren't going to just throw it away. In the last 4 months, we have been up and down so much, beating ourselves up for what we've done, that when certain things are said, they pour a pound of salt on that wound. We are here for help, and also to help those who ask us for it. We don't want to make anyone angry or upset. I just want to say that I am sorry if I came off the wrong way, but sometimes it happens.

To Bystander:

I want to directly apologize to you about the way that I came off. It was just that we have worked so hard to get where we are, and have discussed many different situations for keeping or adopting out this child. We are at the point where this child will be raised by both of us as our own, and we didn't want any surprizes from OM later down the road. Your information has been very helpful in every way, and I really do appreciate all your help. I am normally a very emotional person, to only have it increased right now due to the pregnancy. Again, I apologize, and would welcome any further help you may be to us and our situation.

I hope that maybe this will help some of you understand where we have come from, where we are now, and where we hope to be years down the road. Any insight to feelings on either the H or the wife's part of raising OC will be helpful. We are here to get support as well as to offer it, if that is what someone needs from us. I don't want to turn this into a gripe session or anything else that might be negative. I want to help and be helped, so please understand and accept my apology to any I may have offended.

I've had fears occasionally that my son isn't really mine, but I just ignore them and move on. He's my son; I love him no matter what.

It still haunts me on occasion, though, when I feel the most depressed over the loss of my marriage. I'm so afraid that she might pull that card on me during the divorce, and that he might come up as being someone else's son. I like to think that she was faithful to me during the time period that we were actively trying to get her pregnant, and that we WERE trying to do so (quite often I might add), that the chances of him not being mine are nil.

But, like I said, the fear is still there sometimes.

denise here, just want to add that i salute men and women who have the guts to raise kids even if they are not their own.

I also have an OC, we just dont have contact as of the moment, but sometimes, it pops in my mind, if someday we'll be able to adopt OC and integrate OC to our family (i've been pondering on that thought - just dont have the guts yet coz OW is a b**ch and she should be thought a lesson)

so in the end i would like to say you are really admirable for loving OC and planning to raise him as your own.

Wives married to guys like you are very lucky indeed

Edited:

I did not see the age of this thread when I posted. Given the age I believe my contribution is irrelevant.

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