My GF (whom I adore) has a dog (A BIG dog). We live about 60 miles apart so we do over-nighters at each others house. In the past, she has always had someone take care of her dog when she visits. Now she has asked to bring him along...

As a little backround, I have a Victorian home that is completely renovated, hardwood floors, leather furniture, all woodwork redone and I just don't want a huge dog in my house. And, if he is left outside for any period of time, he barks which is not fair to my neighbors...

I offered to put him in a pet boarding house (I would pay) while they visit. GF said she feels like she is abandoning him if she does that.

Another thing that bothers me is that my children have asked for a dog in the past and I having always said no. How will they feel if I won't get a dog for them, but will alow my GF to bring hers?

Any suggestions??? Am I being too hard-nosed on this? How can we comprimise on something? Is not wanting a dog in my house controlling?

GF seems hurt about this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I wish I knew the answer that we are both comfortable with.

Being a huge animal lover I can understand your gf wanting to bring her dog. If she works a 40 hr. week - she's limited to the time she can spend with the dog and she probably feels guilty when she leaves him to visit w/you or if she put him in a kennel.

Being somewhat of a neat freak I understand your side - there is no way I would want someone's dog damaging my home.

Your gf probably feels "they" are a packaged deal..just like you and your children. Most of us have some sort of baggage..And yes, your kids probably would feel slighted that she can bring her dog over, but they can't have one..you could give them the answe that he's a part-time guest - that they can enjoy - but, you don't want a dog full-time.

Would you be willing to buy a dog crate for your house and have him stay in there if you guys go out????? THat way any damage could be avoided and limited..

No - I don't think it's a "controlling" thing at all. It seems you are just wanting to keep your home safe from dirty paws, dog hair and oops....

I couldn't take my dog to my last BF's house. If you are serious, this is something that needs to be addressed.
My little dog doesn't do well in a crate, so even with the crate suggestion above, there are other issues, like the dog whining & crying.

BHIWI,
I do have one question. Nothing mean intended, but if you knew she had a dog that you would never want in your home then why did you get so attached to her? The dog is kind of like your kids are - it's her kid. I've finally learned if someone has something that you can't live with it's best not to get attached to them in the first place.

I wish I could help you with ideas about the dog, but I don't really see any way to make it work either.

Have you told your GF why you don't want the dog in the house & why you don't want to leave him outside? What did she say to it?

Good luck
RMW

oops! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> sorry I missed a letter in your name!

How about instead of visiting each others homes 50/50 you go to see her more to avoid having the dog in your house.

You have valid reasons for not wanting the dog in your house.

Maybe try it once, for one night & see if it's something you can stand.

BTW, I'm a big dog owner & I don't believe I'd ask if I could bring my dog. If she was invited I might but she is big & requires some space & attention. To meit would feel like an imposition.

M. lives an hour away from me. He doesn't want my dog to come along because his cats may not like it. Makes sense since my dog loves to play with cats.

However, I don't spend the night because of the dog. M has to come to me a lot more than I go to him. The dog is a responsibility.

On the other hand, if M didn't like my dog, M would be history. If M said "I never want to live with a dog" I'd probably be history too. The dog comes with the kids. Just like M's cats come with him. And trust me, M has a ferocious cat.

I'm loving this topic - I'm a huge animal freak - I own way too many (dogs, cats and birds), as I'm involved in animal rescue. I share my house with three dogs (all big mutts) and work a 40-plus hour work week. All of my dogs are senior citizens that I don't like to leave alone for more than 5-6 hours (I pay a dog-sitter on workdays to visit them). So, it is pretty much a non-negotiable at this point in time that my BF comes to MY house for our "at home" time and sleepovers - my dogs are my most important responsibility BF understands - so it's really not an issue for us (which is a relief). Although my BF is not as huge of an animal lover as I am, he is very good with ALL of my pets (as I said, I have way too many) and understands and respects my love for them, just as I understand and respect his love for his children. He's become accustomed to walking out of my house in the morning with pet hair on his pants! LOL!

When I first starting dating after divorce, I was very nervous at how men would view my love for animals. I didn't want anyone thinking I was a "crazy cat lady", however I didn't want any guy to think that my pets were not important to me, because they are. Kinda tricky. I dated a few guys who volunteered at animal shelters, so it wasn't an issue - they understood. I also dated guys who never owned a dog, or they were neat freaks - turned out to be a big issue, they didn't understand. Didn't date those fellas for long.

My pets come with me - take it or leave it.

the minute your pet gets in the way of your relationship, someone needs an butt kicking, that's all i'm sayin'.

I say this with all due respect (please don't be offended). I have been actively involved in animal rescue for almost 20 years now, and you cannot believe how many pets have been turned into shelters and eventually euthanized by people who say "my boyfriend doesn't like dogs/cats". It's horrible. As with children, having a pet is a responsibility to care for that pet for it's entire life......not to be "gotten rid of" when the pet doesn't suit your current lifestyle.

That being said, I love pets. My pets won't get in the "way" of any of my relationships, because if someone I date doesn't like pets, well then, there ain't gonna be any "relationship".......

I adore her dog, he is sweet and very fun... but just not in my house. I have spent 10 years renovating my home and having a dog scratching refinished doors, floors, leather furniture, shedding everywhere... well I just don't like it. I have been told many times that my house is the jewel of my town. I take a lot of pride in it.

Her children, family, friends are more than welcome... just not her dog. This will be a test of our relationship I guess....

Oh, please don't think I feel that way. Never, ever would I want her dog put down. That is horrible. When I lived in the country, I had 2 dogs (in kennels) and I loved them dearly.

I am not wanting my GF to make a choice between me and the dog at all. I just want her to realize I don't like pets in my home. I have no problem with pets in her home.

Well...beautiful showcase homes are nice, but so is a wonderful relationship with a woman you love. Which scenario makes you most happy -- all alone in a beautiful home or with the woman you love in a house with a few scuff marks?

Don't lose sight of what's important.

That's a very, very reasonable request. I'm hoping that your GF understands that too. I wouldn't ask my BF if I could bring my pets to his house - that's why he spends most of our "alone" time at my house. Or as been posted previously, she can come to your house, but not stay overnight.

I guess I just don't get this... So what is the end game, assuming the relationship is intended to evenutally get beyond "dates". If the overnight visits with the dog are "off limits", do we wait until the dog dies? What if his GF will want a new dog? I think this "solution" simply avoids dealing with the issue.

AGG

Well, here's my stab at it - with my input on how I deal with it. Let's say that my BF and I are ready to take the "next step" toward marriage (we're working in that direction, but not in any hurry). I know that he doesn't want to live with all of my pets, and he also knows how much I love my pets, and how seriously I take my responsibility to care for them till the "end". I wouldn't start making any plans to co-habitate until that happens. Not unreasonable. Also, I (at age 44) have decided that when my old dogs are gone, I am NOT going to have another dog - that decision I made all on my own. So, now we're OK with the dog issue. Now, as for the cats, my BF can live with cats, so ta-da, issue resolved. If he couldn't live with cats, well then I guess it would be a deal-breaker, cause I aint' throwing my cats out so that my BF could move in - just ain't gonna do it.

Let's compare my pets to my BF's one condition that he not even consider re-marriage until his youngest child turns 18. He and I can talk, talk, talk all we want about "forever" but he wouldn't even consider walking into City Hall until ALL of his children are legal adults. His youngest is 16 - meaning I have a two year wait. Is that unreasonable? Nope, not in my opinion. If I felt it was unreasonable, then I'm free to go.

So, my "solution" ( compromise and understanding and respect for the others boundaries) seems to work.

So, yup, my BF is welcome to stay overnight at my house as much as he likes, and no, I wouldn't ask him to bring my dogs to his house because I understand that bringing my pets to his house is "off limits" to him.

Why in the world do pet owners think everybody has to love and want to be around their pet? How arrogant! And selfish.

I like animals as much as they next guy, but I would never let one come between me and my relationship with a fellow human being.

If a pet is more valuable than her relationship with me, then I thank goodness I found out quickly what my status is. Time to move on. She can have all the pets she wants, but if they are more valuable than I am, then I cannot be in a relationship with her. That is a boundary issue for me. I will not play second fiddle to an animal, no matter how cute and lovalble it is.

Truly, I do not think you can compare the situation with a pet to that of you BF's children. The children are human beings, not pets, and to equate them does not make sense to me.

Having said that let me add that discussing pets with pet owners is like discussing religion and politics. It's an explosive combination and I doubt if we will see eye to eye, so it's better to agree to disagree, agreeably.

I'm comparing MY pets to HIS children only to make a point. He has HIS conditions/boundaries/wants/needs - and I have MINE - his needs/wants/boundaries are not more important than mine.

I'm confused now too. Are you saying that if my BF and I were to decide that we had to get married today, couldn't wait another minute BUT he hated my dogs? Should it be expected that I take them to a shelter to accomodate his needs? Other hand - if we were to decide that we had to get married today, couldn't wait another minute BUT he wanted to wait until his kids are 18. Should he be expected to put his kids after me just to accomodate me?? I don't think so.....

The point I was trying to make here was that it's up to EACH person to decide whether or not their significant others' needs/wants are acceptable to them.......does that make sense???

Nope, no one has to love my pets but me.....I'm just hoping that any man I have a relationship with UNDERSTANDS that MY pets are a very important part of my life - and respects that.

Sorry, but any guy I date surely knows that I have pets - and it's up to him to decide if he wants to accept that part of me. Another question - if six months down the road he develops an "allergy" to pets - should I get rid of all of my pets? Would that make him feel like #1? Yes, it would be a decision I would have to make if that ever were to happen, and sorry again, but I guess I'd lose big time in the game of love - because if someone asked me to get rid of my pets, I'd say no......I think it would be awful arrogant and selfish for someone to ask me to!

Guess I'm destined to be a crazy cat lady, sitting around in a dirty nightgown 24 hours a day, smoking cigarettes and talking to myself!