During May, I had a short affair with an office colleague with whom I ended up having sexual relationships 2 times. I was in the process of ending the affair with the OM, when my husband found out about it through an email I had written. Before he found out, I had told him that I was falling in love with another man, but I never admitted I had sex with him. He asked me a lot of questions about what was going on and I lied to him. I really wanted to tell him everything, but it was really difficult to tell a truth like this one. After he found out I had slept with the OM, I told more lies about other details of my affair because I didn’t want to hurt him more. He already knew the most significant thing.

As you can imagine, my H is devastated, depressed, confused, etc. It has been 2 months since the discovery and he is still trying so hard to rationalize and logically analyzed my actions and my decisions. I am really desperate with this situation, and would like some help from the MB community on how I can help my H through this stage. I truly love my H and I want to save our marriage.

HELP!

Have you since told him the "Radical Honest" truth about everything and cleared up all the lies? If not, then you are choosing to further delay his grieving. The only way to recover is to be transparently open and honest. Secrets keep you and him sick....

Hello and welcome.

Start by buying the books and printing the articles on this website...do the questionaires (work very hard at meeting all of his needs and be patient about him not meeting all of yours right away as he has a lot to deal with)>

Be Honest--the raw kind of honesty.

Cut off absolutely all contact with OM. (Change your job, request a transfer).

Send your BS here.

BE PATIENT--the first year is an absolute roller coaster of good and bad days. Love him and support him steadily through this. It takes roughly two years before the first wave of raw pain subsides. You will see from this site that the wounds of betrayal and lost trust never completely go away--but working through it is working toward a happy M so be strong and supportive not discouraged.

Courage to you!

Keep posting!

hg - May I be crystal clear with you on something? I am a male BS, for reference. I want you to read what you wrote above.

This may come as a surprise, but what hurts is NOT the sex, but the LYING. The sex causes anger in the BS. Also confusion, feelings of inadequacy and a host of other things. But the pain? That's from the fact that you lied.

The sooner you come COMPLETELY clean, the less pain it will be for him in the long run. And yes, there is a risk in the truth. Remember when your parents gave you the "I'm doing this for your own good" argument? That is what you are doing to him right now. I am protecting you from pain for your own good. Your BEST CHANCE at a repaired marriage is to be as honest as possible and MEAN it. Because he will interpret your intentions of witholding truth as protection for his feelings as you wanting to save YOURSELF pain, should he discover some more to your story than you have presented. I guarantee that. Step outside and consider that yourself. There is honor in owning your mistakes, and it honors him to do so. It is one of the strongest statements you can make to him that you want the marriage to work.

NCWalker

Hello,

To answer the question, I did end up telling him the truth about everything. Trying to protect him from the details made it worst, because I told him bit by bit and in the meantime I kept lying about other things. I wish I had told him everything at once.

Contact with the OM stopped a while ago. I am still working for the same company, but I managed to work from home and I don't have to interact in anyway with him.

I know that the lying caused tremendous pain. But the sex part too because my H was the only man I had been with and I am the only woman my H has been with. Therefore, he really respected me and had me on a pedestal for what I represented as a woman. It meant a lot to him.

I as in the same boat. (As you and your husband). My XW and I had only been with each other. It IS something he can get past. Would he post? I could talk to him about how I dealt.

I am glad you made it here... sorry you need to be here. Good for you for realizing the truth needed to be told.

Seek out BobPure... he is a BS that went through exactly what your H is going through now. I am a BH also... the sex hurts too... don't forget that... but the lies... my God they shake the foundation of your life to its core. Be patient, kind and above all... honest about everything you do. Every half truth or lie you tell from now on will put you back at square 1.
Best of luck to you.

Ditto.

What a coincidence. I'm in an off mood tonight, and you know what caused it? A flashback to the only time that I could remember my FWW lying to me while the A was going on - when she looked me in my eyes and told me that she didn't want me to worry, because the OM was "just a friend". Her PA had been going on for almost a year by then. Even now that bothers me.

I guess I'm lucky that my FWW chose to be honest with me about her A (she was reluctant to spill the details, but she didn't lie about any of the major ones). I cannot imagine the kind of pain a BS must go through if their WS continues to lie and lie to them even after D-Day.

HG,

You know the drill don't you? You have posted here and so has your H. You are asking for support, but I wonder if you don't have a few questions to ask instead.

You said
He is supposed to be doing this. It will take many many more months before he decides if he can handle this. The nominal time for a couple to recover from an affair is two years according to Harley. You haven't even seen your H go through the anger stage yet, and he will ONCE he decides he really wants this marriage.

Have you ever had a relative die? Or someone you were close to? It takes about a year to get over the loss. Your affair killed your marriage. Yes, you are still legally married, but the marriage you had is dead. That is why we talk about "rebuilding" marriages here. Your H is grieving its loss. He is grieving what he lost in the way of trust, in the "uniqueness of your marriage", the "uniqueness " of being each other's one and only.

Most WS don't truely understand in the beginning how much is lost when an affair takes place. You will but it will take time, as you do you will be better able to help your H.

You also said:


We will help all we can, but here is a cold hard FACT. You cannot help your H heal. You have sent him on a lonely path that ONLY HE can travel. Normally, he would rely on his best friend, his lover, his confidant, but that is not possible now. How can he rely on you right now?

What you can do is hang in there. You can learn WHY you made the decisions you did. You can work on your issues, and you can start to develop a plan so that you avoid the type of situation you found yourself in before. You can also put some salve on his wounds, but he has to do the healing. It is a sad but true fact that you can hurt him, but you cannot heal him. Life is sort of one way in this regard.


You may believe this, I might believe this, but your H doesn't believe this. Worse even as he comes to believe it, he is going to have to understand how you could have just done what you did. Here is where you can help by learning and understand the "reasons" not the "excuses" for what you have done. Trust comes last, but before that can come hope, and that is what you can help him with.

This is hard stuff HG, and it takes a lot of time and patience. T&P has to be your watchword for quite awhile. Give this plenty of time and patience and work on yourself.

The one thing you can do, has already been mentioned by all, but HONEST, RADICALLY HONEST. Do this with yourself, with him and all those around you.


Please read the articles here if you have not, and start to ask as many questions as you like. I think from your H's post, he does want this to work, but he does not have a lot of hope just yet. That is pretty normal this early.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Something led you down this path. That's very important for you to understand. There's no excuse for your infidelity, but something in your marriage led you down this path and made you vulnerable to an affair. You absolutely need to understand what it is in order to heal your marriage.

Your husband is devastated. He is crushed inside and your interaction will help him heal, but he will forever have a scar. Be prepared to say "I'm sorry" a lot. It will never get old for him to hear it. Say it often and be sincere.

He will be lost and looking for answers. That's where the exercises on this site come in to help. EN questionairs, LB questionaires, DO THEM! This will help lead you down the path to healing and get you talking.

You are a precious thing. You're a WW that wants to be a FWW. I soooo wish my ex ww would have had your attitude. For that, I applaud you.

It won't be easy. Do you still love OM? Are you going through withdrawl?

Yes, the sexual exclusivity hurts. Does he want any SF at all? That will eventually subside, but it really hurts. My ex ww was the only woman I had been with in 7 years. To know she violated that exclusivity was extrememly painful. But the others are right, the lying is worse.

Let it all out. Every single detail you can think of. He will likely want to know things you don't want to talk about. Details such as what positions, locations, times, dates, retaurants, hotels, movies. What he did to you, how he touched you, how it felt, what you did to him. He will want to know these things because he wants to get a clear picture in his mind of what happened. Tell him. It will hurt for him to hear, but it is necessary for him to heal.

Why? Because the BS was not there. He didn't see what happened, when, how, or why.

Once you tell him these things, be prepared for things to trigger pain. For example, I knew that my WW went to this man's house to "watch a movie". He performed oral sex on her and then she finished him off manually. That's all they did, but it was enough. So what happened? Any time I saw a preview for that movie on TV or saw it on the shelf at the store it re-opened the wound.

I didn't want to go to the restaurant they went to. I never want to watch that movie.

I know I've healed enough now that I can see that movie on the shelf and not get angry, but it took me a while to get there.

Tremendous amounts of understanding and compassion are needed from you. Weather the storms of his anger and grief. But constantly reassure him. Reassurance is huge.

You will have to do some things that you may not like and will possibly get old for you, but you must do them if you want to regain his trust. What are these things? Total transparency. Let him see your cell phone records, calls, e-mails. If you're out, call him often to let him know where you are and who you're with. You have to be willing to put up with a lot of this in order to regain his trust.

Expect for him not to eat much or sleep. That's normal. He'll probably lose weight and may become very distant. He may also become needy. This is why it is important to send him here. Neediness and desperation are never attractive, but it is hard not to be when that is how you feel.

I applaud you for being here. Send your husband here so we can help him. Many BHs here that can offer advice and can relate. Many of us still healing and licking our wounds, but we're a few months down the path.

Good luck to both of you.

Hi HG- I am a FWW also. This will be really hard for you- to look at your BS and know you are the reason he is in so much pain. He'll say lots of things to you that he would never say otherwise. You'll really feel like you're on the edge of the cliff and don't know if it will crumble out from under you or not.

Read the lovebusters book. IT's hard to not lovebust when you feel so insecure. I still don't know if my BS will leave me....it's been 4 months since d-day.

And you will find that his moods and mind change almost moment by moment. We had a good night out yesterday that turned into a bad night at home and then a hard morning this morning that turned into an all right morning...and who knows tonight......

Make sure you apologize for what you did and never rationalize it- yes, there were things in your marriage that made you feel that this was something you could do- the classic, "my husband doesnt' understand me...." or whatever. NEVER SAY THIS TO HIM!!! There is no excuse for cheating. Ever. But you can work on the things that you can improve so that you will never be in that situation again.

My problem is that we had a rocky marriage before my EA, so my BS says, "you're right, there was nothing there for 5 years and you just killed the rest of it." So I'm starting on negative square 6, it seems....

But there is always hope. Have faith, and if you're at all religious, I highly recommend praying a LOT. It really helps.

When my FWW and I did the "Marriage Timeline" (see NJF for more details), it turned out that she was generally unhappy for several years prior to the A. I think that's what's making our recovery even more difficult - not only do we have to deal with the issues caused by the A, we also have to deal with those issues that were killing our M prior to the A.

I do believe that we're making some headway though. We're talking about things that we never talked about before, and we're slowly getting to the point where we can do this without LB'ing all over each other <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. We're also actually understanding how "getting our way" at the expense of our S leads to resentment and kills the love in the M in the process.

Recovery is a long hard rocky road. I wish you all the best .

Never try to assume that you know what the most significant things your BH is dealing with, it is a big mistake that will cost you time and pain in working through this ordeal. Be compassionate and understanding, taking the blame for your own actions regardless of what his actions were that created the environment that allowed the A to happen. Like it or not, you and you alone own this mistake and must face whatever consequences come of it.


HG and Mr. HG:

You are at the right place. Most of the posts to your questions are right on target but I wanted to add a couple of things especially for your BS that I wished I had known at the same stage after D-Day.

First, I am a BS who is coming up on a year anniversary from D-Day. The thing that is a little different about my sitch than most is that the AE more than ten years before D-Day. Finally, after a wretching ten year period that was really two steps forward, three steps back and then turn around and run like h*ll in our marriage, my wife and I have finally found our soulmates in each other. Even in the darkest hour, remind your BS that there is not only hope but that in the strangest way, how that you both deal with this challenge is your marriage creates an opportunity for you both to find a relationship with each other that you could not have even imagined could exist pre-A. Sure doesn't make having to deal with the fallout of an A any better, but many successfully recovered MB's will tell you their experience is the same as ours.

Secondly, dishonesty in a marriage is a cancer that eats away at any intimacy that is created between two people. Without question, sex is an important part of marriage and sex outside of marriage is a difficult treason for the betrayed partner to deal with....but as has been said by others on this post, it is the dishonesty, not the sex by the WW that leaves the deepest scars. I am past the visions, anger, revenge, dwelling stages of recovery. It took a lot more time that I thought it would but I have been able to put all that aside and focus on the rest of my life that I can impact and change, not what has already happened that I cannot change. However, at this point, the one serious trigger for me is when I remember at some point that my FWW must have said her OM's name in her sleep or something and without even suspecting anything I asked her who was Brad the next morning. Without a wince, batting of the eyelids or even a hint of remorse, she told me that she really didn't know any Brads. I told her that she said his name the night before and she joked that she must have been having a really good dream about Brad Pitt (at the beginning of his career at that point) and laughed about it. I didn't think about it much at all until last year when I found out who Brad really was. Doesn't matter to me that he was sleeping with her at the time and that we had young kids and so did he and they were willing to risk it all just to find their own selfish happiness, what rubs me raw is that she could have so easily lied to me without even a hint of guilt. I will guarantee you that your husband has some of those same type of triggers. The reason why radical honesty is so important in the rebuilding process is that not only has the trust been torn down in the marriage, your BH's self esteem and his judgement are now in shambles. Please tell him from all our experiences that this can be rebuilt and have an even better marriage, but not until you take the tumor out of the marriage and be willing to share anything, anytime, anywhere with him. You are supposed to be a team of two acting as one, there is nothing that should not be shared between two partners.

Lastly, I wanted to let you know some of the things that he is most likely going through like most of us BS's at some point after D-Day. By you understanding his perspective, it makes it easier for you to be supportive of him in his recovery process and in turn, he can help you along in your process and in rebuilding the marriage. Even though the A had ended long before I ever found out, D-Day and the months following that were physically difficult for me. There were literally times that I felt like someone was ripping my intestines out of my guts without making an incision first. Do not underestimate the amount of physical pain that your H may be enduring along with the emotional and mental distress. You can't stop it but you can comfort his discomfort. There are a million triggers and most of the hours of the day, your BS is probably thinking about what happened, imagining the worst. By telling him everything including whatever amount of detail that he wants, in some ways you are actually relieving some pain and anxiety from him as I can almost promised that no matter how low you scooped and how disgusting your actions were, it pales in comparison to what he has already imagined. It goes without saying that finding out your wife was involved in a affair is devasting to your self esteem. I feel for any BS who has to deal with this agony but think in some ways it is almost worst for a BH vs. a BW because even though it is never all right for either party in a marriage to have an A, society has programmed us to believe that it is expected for a man to have diversity and so many foolishly believe that when the man engages in an affair, he is really only caving into his biological weaknesses. In reality, it is documented that males of the human species do "need" diversity but that diversity is only visual and can be just as easily satisfied, maybe more satisfied by dreams, etc. as compared to justifying running around sticking his member into anything that moves. Society has also somehow kept the WW as something of exception and certainly not looked highly enough. The problem is that statistics show that men and women are just about equally predisposed to cheat on their spouses and it always takes two to tango. Most of the time, the marital and children situation of the two A partners is pretty similar (the so called equal risk theory of marital infidelity). The reality is that for the BS, regardless of whether they are the H or the W, it may be the most painful thing that they have every experienced and an A never has positive qualities for either the BS or the WS even though both of their actions following the A may indeed be very positive for their personal growth as well as for their marital relationship. Irregardless, your BS's self esteem is probably lower than low and it is important for you to remind him that you love him, that he is loveable, that it is not his fault that you made mistakes, and that you want to opportunity to rebuild your marriage with him.

Your marriage can be rebuilt and has the potential to be much better than you ever dreamed pre-A. This doesn't happen easily or for everyone. You made the choice to have an A, the ultimate choice for whether or not your H can move past this and rebuild your M at this point lies with him, not you. But if you both are committed to working through this, you will find much support and great advice on this site and forum. I might suggest that your H start his own thread and that you agree to not view that thread unless he asks you to. There are many here, most especially Just Learning, Mr. Wonder(ful)ing, and others that have been instrumental in my recovery.

Good Luck.

Absolutely stellar post, NTD.

Hello all,

I have not posted anything in a while trying to make sense of all this information and focusing on my H and our future. Before I continue, it was my husband that introduced me to this site, so to any of you that would like to address him, he has two different posts. I know some of you have already posted there, but here are the sites for the benefit of the others:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

and

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

I do agree on the terrible effect that the lies have on the BS. I wish I had not tell so many lies and just come clean all at once, but unfortunately that was not the way it happened in my case. That was one of the biggest mistakes I made. I did have the courage to tell him I was falling in love with another man, but it was so difficult to come clean with the other stuff. I mean, I did admit I had sex with the OM after he found out an email I had written to the OM. I had no way of denying that. But what I did was lie to other questions he asked such as “Did the OM come to our apartment?” I said “no”, then I said, well, he came to the apartment complex but did not enter our apartment, then after 2-3 more lies I admitted he did come in the apartment.

ncwalker, he insists that the sexual part is really important. That I took away one of the things he liked and admired the most about me (we had only been with each other) and now he is left with almost nothing. I do understand his anger and his feelings regarding another man having me, but how can that be such a big part of what he liked about me? My husband only liked me because he was my only man? What about my other qualities and characteristics? Of course, to all of you it may seem that I am a terrible unfaithful person, but I do have many good qualities.

My H has not been doing good with the situation. He keeps telling me that he wants to break up with me, that he hates me, that having sex with me does not mean anything anymore, etc. He keeps questioning me about the details of the affair that we have been discussing over and over again for 2 ½ months. He is still searching for anything that might lead to another lie.

I guess there are some things that I might never have an explanation for. He keeps looking for how my mind justified the decisions I made. I tell him that my mind was not working properly at the time. I am a very analytical person that carefully examines all my decisions. What I did is totally not my way of dealing with any situation. I just was not thinking about the consequences of my actions. My mind did not look for any justifications before doing what I did. It kind of just happened. I know that probably any WS would agree with me on that, but of course that is very difficult to explain to the BS. I even had unprotected sex. I could have been infected with an STD. Was I thinking logically? Not at all.

My H finds an interesting way of remembering the situation all the time. He cannot go to the gym because he was at the gym one of the nights I was with the OM. He cannot go or even drive by the main shopping mall in our town because I parked the car there so that the OM could pick me up. He wants to change his dentist because he was in that office the morning I met with the OM. We cannot listen to certain types of music because that was the type of music the OM liked too. I have many examples like these ones, some more obvious than others. Once he is reminded about the situation, the whole mood of our interactions change for the rest of the day.

It is really frustrating that there is really not too much I can do. I mean, I have been focusing on him and doing things to make him feel loved. But, as JustLearning said, he is the only one that can travel this lonely path. I am also traveling a lonely path because although I have a few people that have been supporting me through this situation, I am really alone in all this. It is really tough to listen to your H calling you a ****** or telling you he hates you. I did make a horrible mistake, but it does not mean that I don’t have feelings or can accept listening to things like that. I do accept them in a sense because I remain tranquil when he says that. What else can I do!? But it hurts like crazy and it is a lonely path for the WS too.

Papaof3, I do agree that I have to figure out what lead me to this affair. I do have some theories on that. For example, since we got married my husband travels a lot because he is a consultant. I felt we never had a normal marriage. For months, sometimes we saw each other only during the weekends. We could never have a normal life where we got from work and had dinner and watched TV, and ran some errands, etc. I got from work and got to my house and I was alone, went to be alone, woke up alone… It is not a justification for what I did, but that certainly had an impact on me. I was feeling very lonely with my part-time marriage. I guess I had not noticed that until this happened. The way that I fell for the OM so quickly, it makes me think that I was really really lonely and just wanted someone to hang out with and talk to. Of course, it turned physical before I could have ever imagined. I did not want it to get there.

You also suggested letting all details out, and I am doing that, but sometimes it is still so uncomfortable to have to describe a particular position or a particular thing we did. It is really painful to remember all that stuff that I just want to erase. Something that hurts me too is that I felt I was falling in love with the OM, and he made me think he was too. But now that I analyze the situation objectively, I think the OM just took advantage of my loneliness and openness with him. He just wanted to sleep with me and as a woman that hurts. It hurts that I put my life, my H’s life, my marriage at risk for a guy that just wanted to use me and had no feeling for me. It really hurts that I gave him something so precious for me as a woman, when he had a different mentality of the whole situation.

During one of the last conversation with the OM, I say to him to never again do what he did to his wife or to another woman like me. We said that he knew what he had done to his wife, but he had no idea what he had done to me. What a @#$%!! I guess if that guy had ever cared about me he would have known the pain that this affair has brought me. Again, as a woman that hurts a lot. Anyway, just for the record, there has been no contact with the OM for a long time now. I already went through the withdrawal phase some time ago, so I don’t miss the OM at all but it does hurt to remember him.

Going back to my H, we are having total transparency. He has access to all my account, call logs, emails, chat histories, etc. He even installed this software in my computer that logs every single key I type. It’s kind of crazy, but I think it has helped and I am OK with it because I have nothing else to hide.

MrsRob, thanks for your comments. I do agree that it a horrible feeling knowing that my H is going through so much pain because of me. I never meant to hurt him. I constantly tell him that I am really sorry, that I am fully responsible for my mistakes, that he is a wonderful husband and man, and that it is not his fault that this happened. I try to be as supportive as possible. I hate seeing the person he has become after d-day. He used to be this positive, carefree, friendly, happy person, and now he is very different. I hate thinking I caused him to change his wonderful personality.

nottoday, thanks for you stellar post. I do have a lot of faith that we can repair our marriage. Even though I did this, I am a religious person and I have been going back to the church that I had abandoned for the month that the affair lasted, and I have really been meditating on my actions. It gives me the strength to continue through this journey with the faith that our marriage will become stronger when we are past these terrible phases.

Welcome to marriagebuilders.

You do still sound a little foggy to me, almost like it wasn't worth ruining your marriage because the other man didn't have serious feelings for you.

I wonder what would have happened if he had?

Also, you sound annoyed that your behavior is now causing your husband to have triggers.

One question I have is "How will your husband know that something like this will never happen again?".

What if you get bored? What if you feel like you don't have a "real" marriage?

believer, that is NOT what I meant. I meant that as a woman, putting aside the important fact that I am married, it hurts to have slept with a guy that had no feelings for me. Some woman may have sex for the fun of it, but I am not that type of person. I had only slept with my husband before. Sex is very personal and intimate. You are giving yourself to another person. And forgetting the fact that what I did was terribly wrong because I was married, it hurts to think this person made me fall into his trap. In the case he had feelings for me, I would still be going through the same horrible pain I am going through as an unfaithful wife.

Of course I am annoyed at myself because my errors have caused me and my husband pain like never before. How can I not be annoyed at myself for that?

And about your question, even the marriage counselors say that it is impossible to guarantee that something like this will never happen again. It is sad and scary but it is the truth. Next time it could be him…you never know...I would have never in my life imagined I would have done something like this, ever! Unfortunately, no one is exempt from falling into this horrible situation. But I do know that at least I do not want to go through this again. I love my husband and I want to remain faithful to him. He is the most wonderful man I have ever know.

No one is exempt, but having good boundaries helps. That includes not discussing personal things with a man that is not your husband, not going to lunch, or for coffee, etc, letting men know that you are happily married, and telling them right away, if they don't honor your boundaries.

I hope you will keep reading here and posting. We can help you both.

HG,

I see several red flags in your post. I thought I would comment on a few.

You said
OM did not do anything to you. I am sorry but you are not the victim here and until you realize this your H is going to have a very hard time with this. You made the decision to seek out OM for conversation whatever. You made the decision to have sex with him. You made the decision to violate your marriage vows. OM did NOT make you do any of these things. I know this sounds harsh but it is a fact, isn't it?? You see you have not really taken ownership of your actions and decisions until you can see YOU HAD CONTROL and you failed to protect your marriage with this control.

You also said
Now read this carefully. What message is your H supposed to take from this?? From what you have said he:

1. Cannot leave you alone.

2. IF you get lonely, the marriage is in trouble.

3. He will have to find a job where there is no travel and hope that trips to the dentist, mall, etc are fast enough so that you don't take up with OM.

Are you seeing where this is going? Now reflect again on WHY you did this. What did you say to yourself that allowed you to violate your vows? Or did you think your vows were merely guidelines?

What plans do you have to protect the marriage in the future? What have you learned from this? How do you plan to use what you have learned? As Papaof3 said you really really need to understand what it was within you that made this OK. If you cannot, your H is left defensless and so is your marriage.

Finally you said
I am not questioning your faith, in fact I think it is great you are going back to your church. But, here is the question again. When the church was NOT CONVENIENT (ie you felt guilt for the affair) you stopped going. Just when you needed support the most you turned from it. What has changed now? What is your thinking that would give your H or yourself for that matter confidence that you won't conveniently forget your church if tempation raises its head again?

Do you see where I am going with this HG? You really need to look inside. Everyone here is suggesting it in one way or another, but if you don't you cannot face your H and give him the answers he needs to remain.

His problem is that he does want to remain with you, but he does not want to be made to be a fool or a cuckold again. He is hoping that somehow YOU can provide him a path back, one where he can retain at least a bit of his self-esteem.

Oh, one last thing. He did not love you just because you were his one and only and he yours. He loved that fact that your marriage was unique, that this aspect of the marriage was different from anyone elses. You had never been with another man, and he not with another woman. That made you very very special to him. I don't think you comprehend how important this fact can be to people (men and women alike).

Please reflect on this as well.

God Bless,

JL

believer, I agree that having good boundaries is key. I have to say I was a bit naive in that respect. I don't have male friends. I studied at an all-girls school, and my only male friends are really my H's friends. The thing is that I was not used to that. Now I see it very differently, but I was naive in the sense that of course I should not be discussing personal and marriage-related things with any other man, or going to lunch alone with any other man, etc. I do have to set boundaries and be strict about them.

I will get back later on JL's post.