I have a woman friend and employee that I found out two weeks ago has started an affair with a male client business owner 20 years her elder.

The man is a creep! In fact, I was hoping he would not buy from us. He has had this woman in his sights since day 1 and has won her attention with money, fast cars and what I believe to be empty promises.

I confronted her once before I had business related evidence of the affair's existence and she denied the issue. I also at that time provided her a copy of "Fall in Love Stay in Love" by Dr. Harley--a book that saved my marriage some eight years ago.

My concerns are two-fold. As a business owner, I am obviously concerned that this relationship will interfere with her performance. As a friend, I am concerned that she is going to mess up a relationship with her family all of whom I know love her deeply.

Several options have run through my mind:

1) Confront her as an employer who can prove that affair related conversations have occured on company time. Demand that she cease the workplace portion of her relationship and hope that will shock her back into working on her marriage and her career.

2) Confront her as a friend (which I have little right to do as her employer)and encourage her to get help

3) Privately discuss the issue with her husband, with whom I am also friends.

4) Turn a blind eye and move on until it blows up in her face--as it surely will.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

MD,

Do the both of you a favor and confront her on the business side only.One she is not being as productive as she should be in your work place and two it may impact your other business clients negatively.

On a personal level if she can lie to and deceive her husband and family surely you know she will do the same to you. Don't be an enabler. Put a stop to this on your nickel and in your busuness. Outside of your place of business and on her own time you hold little say in what goes on. Being a BS I know I would have loved to have had my EX's employer take a stand since she and OM both worked there. They took long lunches(2-3 hrs) and in general conducted the A on company time while getting paid to have the A.

Take a stand for your own good and help a BS at the same time. Just my own two cents worth, but it was earned the hard way.

MM,

Thank you for being here on MB. When you say:

"In fact, I was hoping he would not buy from us" are you saying that you're selling to him, anyway, now? Whatever action you decide on with your friend/employee, would you also cut off his account?

If he were stealing employees from you...getting them to leave your business and work for him...would you do this? Cut off contact? That's what I see him doing...stealing a wife and mother...

Her part is still her part...addressing this directly again, with her, after you have cut him off...closed his account. I would not say a thing about who this guy is...a creep or otherwise...I would focus on you respecting her choice to have an A...not on her admitting it. Emphasize she is choosing to do great damage...which you know of, firt hand...as her employer and her friend.

Do you have benefits which include individual counseling (IC)? MC? You can suggest it for dealing with fantasies...seeing reality...you won't bring her out of the fog...you will be defining your position clearly.

I believe we don't have roles that split ourselves...we are all of us, all of the time...just my belief. All humans here interacting with others humans...no stuff which can make us faceless...entities other than human.

Friendship...what your standards are, so are your boundaries...look into your heart about telling her H. If you want to see all actions you take as being a true friend, not calling them employer/employee, then do that.

As a friend to their marriage, you will find your choices to be healthy ones...have you shared this dilemma with your wife? With God? Look to your own intimacy for guidance.

And please keep posting.

LA

My Goodness. The recommended course of action here to break up an affair is exposure. Wouldn't you wanna know if your husband was cheating? I sure wish someone told me my wife was.

Please talk with her husband. Give him your evidence. Get him here so we can help him.

Sheesh LA - c'mon he/she surely doesn't need any guidance to do the morally correct thing does he/she?

MMD,

Tough call. Not whether you should do something, that much is obvious. What to do that is the most effective. I like the idea of treating this as a business issue, because for you it is. It needs to be addressed. But, you also mention that she is your "friend". Here is where it gets harder doesn't it?

If you are married, would you want to know that your H was having an affair? I sure would. I think you need to discuss this with your employee and explain that you are going to be calling her husband in ,say a day, to confirm that she has told him of her affair. That gives her a chance to reveal the A herself which is always best.

Are willing to replace her as an employee if it comes to that? You need to be ready. I am old school, and the college I went to had an honor code. It was very simple, it stated: "I will not lie, cheat, or steal nor tolerate anyone who does." You could and often people did get thrown out of the school for not turning someone in that they new violated the honor code. The question was always asked: "How do you expect us to turn in our friends?" The answer was straight forward "A friend would NOT put you in this situation."

Talk to her, and treat her like a friend, which means offer her the chance to tell her H about the affair before you do it AND then do it as you promised.

Must go, hope something I have said is of use.

God Bless,

JL

PRELIMINARY RESULTS: Confronted Employee as a business issue and she isn't owning up to anything despite the evidence. She has another answer for the lost time at work which was plausible but not the truth. She assured me it would not happen again.

When I signed up for this forum a couple of days ago I noticed people talking about being in "the fog." Today, I have absolute clarity about the meaning of that term. My employee and friend is definitely in the fog--and I have no idea how to help her navigate out!

Tell her H what you know, asap...and no, there's no getting someone out of the fog.

Please keep posting...you won't know who you'll inspire, touch or aggravate (see the "sheesh" above)...and it's well worth the trip.

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LA

LOL LA. Love ya work.

You should have let her know prior to telling her that you know about the A that you know the truth, and you take a dim view of employees who would deliberately lie to you - there is no place for dishonesty in an ethical person.