Hi AskMe,

I understand you have a lot of personal experience dealing with SA. I could use your advice. Do you have time to correspond via PM? Or here on the board.

Long story short ... H had 15month PA/EA. When the A came to light so did his longstanding compulsive and excessive use of porn. I knew he looked at stuff regularly and it bothered me, but had no idea how extreme it really was as he went to great lengths to hide it. I actually discovered the A because I found evidence that he'd registered for an escort agency site and went looking through his emails for any further evidence whereupon I found email from OW. H swears he never visited escorts and that he was only looking at the site for porn links. Even 10 months post DDay I still wonder if this is true as a) I couldn't see any such links on the site - only info on the various girls "services" b) I know there were times when large amounts of money were quickly missing after payday inexplicably and c) the site happened to be for escort services in our city.

Post DDay I also found a cookie from adultfriendfinder.com, which H swears he had no idea how it got them ... hmmm

I don't know what I need exactly. I am just still struggling with whether to stay or go given all my doubts. It is a good sign than H came clean about the sexual compulsive behaviour on his own and voluntarily got himself into IC. He swears he hasn't been looking at porn all this time and when I went away recently he did come clean with me that he had been looking again and seemed very shaken by it. The fact he told me helped restore some trust that he is being honest but ... but ... I just still have great fears about how hard this addiction really is to get over and whether I'm being foolish for hoping that he can really get over it. I don't ever want to go through all the pain I went through after DDay again and, as much as I love him, in some ways I'd rather leave than risk being hurt again down the line.

What, in your mind, are the most key things to getting over SA? Is there really much reason to hope it's possible? Or should I call it a day. I am youngish (31) and we have no kids. Married 3+ years, together 8. Affair started just 15 months into our marriage.

Any help much appreciated.

Lil

Hi Lillian,
It seems he is fitting a pattern of sexual addiction. The fact he tells you when caught, but then continues to hide information is what a lot of sex addicts do. The fact you knew about his porn use, but didn't know the depths of it showes that he wasn't being totally honest. And the adultfriendfinder.com cookie.....all it takes is one visit to the site, accidentally by a click or however, but someone went there. Money missing and a registration to an escort agency is also a good clue.

Let me say this about sex addicts....usually when confronted about their problem, they will usually lie. They can be honest in all other regards, but the issue about their sexual addiction is sacred ground. To expose their problem is to also expose they have a deep problem that needs resolving and it's a painful problem to deal with. So they lie, they cover up and they deceive. Unless they are really trying to work on making things right you don't get the truth and until the truth starts coming out, you don't know what else you might learn.

As I always tell everyone the person with a sexual addiction has had it for a long time. They had it before they ever met you. It's a deeply rooted problem that probably started developing in childhood. So to the other person I tell them, take all blame off yourself, take all guilt off yourself, THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM, BUT THEIRS.

Now, you may have some of your own dysfunctions that lead you to meet a sex addict. If I were to unwind yours and his history I would find something that drew you together and holds you there that includes some dysfunction. But as I said, the sex addiction is still the problem of the other person.

Can SA be resolved, Yes, but the person with the problem must want to resolve it. It can't be resolved by anyone else. The keys to resolving the problem is counseling that helps look at the past to let you see your emotional issues and deal with them and resolve them in a healthy way. It may be there are things that need closure. It may be that porn which might have become an emotional comforter needs to be acknowledged as a substitute for emotions and that an alternative needs to be put in place. The alternative may be as simple as learning to communicate fears, problems, and issues. Mostly sex addiction is an intimacy problem and once a person can overcome the issues of intimacy, then it helps to resolve the sexual addiction problems.

Another key factor is having someone to be accountable with. For instance I particpate in a men's accountability group at my church. Each monday we meet as a large group for worship and then break into small groups where we talk about our week's problems. If someone is being tempted, we talk about that and ways they can work around the temptation. And we call or email just to check up on them. Having support from someone is very helpful, especially in the begining and anytime there are stressful events in your life.

Most of the time the sex addict is trying to cope with emotions. Sex is like alcohol, or food, or drugs in other addictions. It's an outlet for the problem. The problem is not sex, but sex creates an added problem in that our culture expects couples to be faithful to one another. If I fixed my addiction by eating a Big Mac, well I'm probably not in too much trouble. But if I run out for a booty call, then I can expect to pay some stiff consequences. But in either case whether it was sex or eating a Big Mac, the action was an attempt to dimish anxiety/depression treating an emotion, and gain a temporary moment of relief.

Sadly that temporary moment of relief plays into an addiction cycle that starts everything over. So it's a tough battle unless someone is committed to working on their problem.

Also, any specific questions, please feel free to ask or email me.

I wanted to come back and address these questions a little more. I'm in a group with men at church and I watch some of them fail over and over. Some like myself have been successful at maintaining a successful recovery from sexual addiction. The real answer is how bad does the person who has the problem want to change? I have never wanted to be like I was, but I didn't know what was wrong. I didn't understand the triggers, the emotions behind my motivations, my past traumas, etc. I just knew I didn't like who I was and I wanted to change. I finally got to a point where I said I have a problem and I need help. If your spouse is not at that point you have a struggle ahead.

Also, does he take responsibility for the problem? He should take 100% of the responsibility for the affairs. Now there are contributing reasons and he can explain those, but he has to say I made the decision on the affair and I have to take the responsibility. I could have just as easily said at that point I have a problem and I need help, but pride stood in the way....and that is what happens, pride and not wanting to disclose that horrible true one feels about themself.

The next consideration is CAN YOU HANDLE ANOTHER SETBACK? How strong are you to deal with the fact he could have another affair? It's a possibility with sex addicts as they are working on their stuff to slip and fall back into old ways. Sometimes the trauma of exposing the old wounds is enough to open up emotions that trigger a person. So, are you prepared to work with him on his journey or do you have a count in mind, or it it 1 time and I'm out of here? You need to know what you can tolerate. If you think you have had all you can handle, it might be the time to cut your loses.

There are many considerations, the most important of them are is he working on his stuff, is he being open and honest, is he attending counseling, is he being held accountable and is he understanding and takes responsibility. If he isn't there...........you can't make him get there.

Thanks so much for all this. This has given me much food for thought. I may take you up on your offer to email for more advice too, as I struggle to come to terms with the reality of it all and what's best for me at this point.

>>The next consideration is CAN YOU HANDLE ANOTHER SETBACK? How strong are you to deal with the fact he could have another affair? It's a possibility with sex addicts as they are working on their stuff to slip and fall back into old ways. Sometimes the trauma of exposing the old wounds is enough to open up emotions that trigger a person. So, are you prepared to work with him on his journey or do you have a count in mind, or it it 1 time and I'm out of here? You need to know what you can tolerate. If you think you have had all you can handle, it might be the time to cut your loses.>>

See, that's the problem here - that's my big fear. I can, and have told him I can, deal with him slipping up and looking at porn again SO LONG as he's honest. I was grateful he was honest with me that he was looking again while I was out of town, although of course it brought up old fears and hurts for me that I can't know what he's doing when I'm not around. (This was particularly painful since it's associated in my head with the last two times I was overseas and he was, I know now, spending time with OW.)

So, the porn addiction is something I am willing to try to be supportive and understanding about and support him with any struggles with it. BUT no (no, no, 1,000 times no) I could absolutely NOT handle another affair or even a ONS. I have made it clear to him from the start that any further infidelity means I'm out the door - no questions asked. Of course, this makes me fear that if it did happen he would just work very hard to hide it from me because he'd know what was at stake. I have dealt with some very painful things in my life (childhood abuse, dysfunctional family, the death of a parent) and I can say without question that the A was the single most painful event of my life. The idea of going through that agony again scares the **** out of me. But I suppose it's better to be realistic about the fact that it's a possibility with someone like him. I fear that if he doesn't resolve the root of it all then he'll always be vulnerable to it again, as well as the other hurtful SA behaviours.

Does he take 100% responsibility for the A? Well, yes and no. In some ways yes, but in other ways there's been a bit of blame-shifting along the way as well as, more recently, a lot of wanting me to just "let go" and move past it. I still don't think he's totally gotten that 10 months isn't long enough to get over a big betrayal like this. I think at this point he thinks it is I who am keeping us stuck by still being hurt and struggling. I take full responsibility for the things I did wrong in the marriage that contributed to an environment where an A could go on so long undetected and be an attractive option. I also acknowledge there are things I could and should be doing better to recover. But, you're right that whatever was going on it was his choice to have an A. And it was a cowardly and deeply hurtful choice.

>>There are many considerations, the most important of them are is he working on his stuff, is he being open and honest, is he attending counseling, is he being held accountable and is he understanding and takes responsibility. If he isn't there...........you can't make him get there. >>

I do realise that I can't make him change and it's down to him. As to where he's at, I'm not sure how to answer this. On the one hand he has admitted he has a problem for the first time ever and does clearly want to change. Is he working really hard on it? Hmmm...kinda, sorta, maybe, not really. He is going to counselling -- although he hasn't been recently -- he has read one SA book and looked at another. But I think his story at this point would be that he hasn't been able to work on himself because there's been too much going on between us.

So, I don't know. There are both reasons for optimism and reasons for doubt. I love this man but I really don't want to be hurt so badly ever again by anyone. I don't know if I have the strength to live with the possibility that another affair could happen. And I do know that I don't want to be always living in fear and looking over my shoulder. I'm having an incredibly hard time facing the possibility of letting go as prior to discovering the A I was EXTREMELY happy with my M, very much in love, planning an entire future and family with him. I didn't see it coming at all. I thought we were BOTH very happy and I trusted him completely. So much has changed in these last hideous 10 months. On DDay my world just fell apart and I'm still trying to piece it back together and adjust to this new reality.

Well, as I said, much food for thought. Many thanks and I will post or email again soon. I greatly appreciate the support and directness. Thank you.

Lil

The one thing you would want to do is establish realistic boundaries of what you accept and expect. I say realistic because sometimes spouses create boundaries that can't be lived up to. For instance you can expect a person to tell you everytime they look at a woman to say, "I looked at a woman today." There are some things which just naturally happen. Now the boundary could be you can't look at a woman and decide you want to talk to her because she looks cute. While I won't leave, I do want to feel safe about your struggles and the only way I can feel safe is for you to report those instances to your counselor or an accountability partner. And if they get out of hand I need to know so we can decide what to do next. And you could have one that says if you ever have an affair I need to let you know I will not tolerate it and I will pack my bags and leave. Boundaries are not about manipulating or controlling the other person, but it's stating the action you will take if the other person crosses a threshold you are not comfortable with.