Hi All!! Stanley has been doing this for quiete some time now. This woman used to work at his place of work and now visits once in a while and always goes to by huband's office. The e=mail that I read, Stanley states, "as usual, I told her how pretty she looked, and she loved it." She complained of having a fever, and Stanley felt her skin, her neck, her forehead. They hugged when they saw each other too. These are all things I read in his e=mail . This person that he writes with, is a woman from TOW that he corresponds with, for some time now. He loves to go to TOW and post in it 'EVERYDAY!! I've told him before that I dont like him to post there, and he always say, he will not do it anymore, but keeps on doing it.

I know Stanley is looking for validation in his attractiveness, but to look for it, with a woman that he had worked with, that he knows and sees more than once, I think its wrong. It hurts me greatly that he is boasting about it with this "TOW" woman in his email. Stanley always says that people notice this kind of flirting in the offices. I am sure his co=workers,doctors,technicians,etc, have noticed how much he gloats when he is in the presence of this woman. She is the age of our oldest daughter and she is also married. I asked my husband what he always asks me "Did you put yourself in her husband's place?"

Myrta

Myrta,

I'm sorry to hear this, Stanley is way out of line. However I believe he has probably reached the end of his endurance with you. Sooooo I would guess it's payback time, doesn't feel so good does it? Consequences, it always comes back to consequences.

Bingo - I think you hit the nail right on the head there.

As a BS, I can quite understand that feeling. Luckily I haven't (yet) been put in the position where an attractive female is actively flirting with me, because I really don't know how I'd actually respond. I know how I'd WANT to respond (i.e. don't do anything that would endanger my M), but can I really say with any conviction that I'd actually respond that way? I don't know.

The hard thing is, this "acceptance as a desired male" is not something you can get from your FWS, IMO. After all, they've already demonstrated to you that they can desire and be desired by someone else, and would pursue that desire to the detriment of your relationship.

HI Aussiewife---I would love to get an e=mail from you, with a picture of your beautiful baby. He is probably so big already. YOu must be so happy with him. Are things going well with you and Aussie?

I know Stanley feels the need to look attractive to the opposite sex. Stanley is a very handsome man, he has always have women find him attractive. Plus he is a man with many subjects so he is well versed in everything. He has always have many things going in his favor. Handsome,smart,a doctor, good family,etc,etc.

I know affairs make people doubt themselves, and they might need more than usual in terms of acceptance of their looks or abilities. But if he has experienced the pain that we both have gone thru because of my stupidity, why put himself at risk of him doing the same thing? He tells me over and over that there is nothing for me to worry, but I am worry. That he has confided in another person more than once about this woman, makes me cringe!! This tow woman knows about his liking for this co-worker!! This TOW woman calls my husband the "perpetual teenager"!! It was shocking to me to read all this. Stanley is always telling me how above affairs, and flirting he is. Is he??

Myrta

EAGLE===Payback time??? I had been paying for over two years now. I have been making amends to my marriage. Just because I did not tell my children or parents of OM does not mean he can do this. My parents dont have any saying in our marriage or kids too for that matter. A marriage is between two people not the whole world to know, all the dirty laundry that goes on. MB is all anonymous thats why people come here, Stanley knows everything!!! about the affair and my comings and goings.

Well, yes, in a way payback time. It isn't right by any means... and he should cease this immediately... but there is some payback involved. Many BS have a need to feel appreciated... it is sad really, since they often times feel they cannot get that from the FWS.
As far as you paying for the last two years... you have been paying for your own actions... Stanley also is paying for those. You having to deal with the consequences of your actions is fair... him having to do so, is anything but.
If your children and parents do not know of your A and Stanley feels they should... that should be honored without question. A marriage is not just between two people. An A is between tow people... a marriage is part of the family.

Stanley does not want our children or family to know. It was established from the beginning ,right after DD.

If a BS feels the need of "payback" time and goes ahead having an affair, then the love is not so strong from their part. Yes, I do believe a BS is in a weaken state of mind and more prone to this happening, but if it does, then the love is not so strong. Then the marriage should really terminate!!

I think you might be right... but does your statement sound a bit hypocritical??? Stanley should cease this behavior immediately.... that being said... his flirting right now... or even an A... would be much more understandible than your actions... it doesn't make them right, just easier to understand. But he needs to stop this behavior immediately since his goal is to have his family together. This should not be a case of one upping the other.

Do I sound like a hypocrite saying that? Maybe I do....but if our goal since DD has been to keep US and the family together, these kinds of things should not be happening. While I was having the Affair I was another woman....I am completely into my husband and marriage now,....actually have always being, Just during the affair I changed. We have been married 31 years....thats a long time of having a good marriage....minus a couple of bad ones.....and now since DD of course, things are not the same. So for the last 4+ years things had been hard for us, our marriage. But my goal since DD, and I thought his goal too, was to make our marriage the best again and very strong. But by doing this, he is not strenghtening our marriage. I always thought Stanley was way above me. but by doing this flirting with this woman, I am having doubts,

Obviously NOT…if he was above A’s and flirting, HE WOULDN’T DO IT HIMSELF! And from what you’ve said, Stanley is ALREADY involved in EA with this TOW woman he corresponds with...

AGREE 100%! No excuses for Stanley. I can see how the justifications and rationalizations from some members to “excuse” Stanley’s behavior are rolling in… <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> How disappointing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Stanley, one can "flirt" their way right into a ONS before they know it. Emailing another female about the flirting is kinda odd too. I did a lot of this same stuff and ended up turning into a person I never thought I would. I thought I was "above all that"

*sigh*

There is a train that leaves the station heading for your destination,
But the price you pay to nowhere has increased a dollar more.
Yes, it has!
And if you walk you're gonna get there though it takes a little longer,
And when you see it in the distance you will wring your hands and moan.

-Some old zeppelin tune...

Suzet--thank you for understanding me. This exposure to the world is not for us, really. The two people that should know everything is Stanley and myself. Not my parents, not my children.

He has been e-mailing with this TOW woman for the longest time. Yesterday he left his yahoo mail opened by mistake and I went in, and saw all the e-mails they have exchanged, long ones!!! He tells her everything about us, and about his flirting with his co-worker. It seems she knows everything. So yeah, maybe there is something there. They have also exchanged pictures with one another.

Myrta

-Some old zeppelin tune..

Celebration day. i LOVE zep.

Myrta

Exposure is a medicine that can sure the cancer of OM in your lives. You choose not to take the medicine, you allow the cancer to grow and maybe kill you.

Suicide is a choice, but not usually a good one.

all blessings

From what you’ve told me now (personal discussions and exchanging of pictures between them), Stanley is DEFINITELY involved in an EA with this woman... I’m SO sorry Myrta. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

(((HUGS)))

That's a bit premature... but I understand the concern.

This behavior must cease immediatey. Myrta needs to understand what might be driving this... that does not mean she needs to accept it. I haven't seen anyone here excusing his behavior.

Bob--- Why should the whole world know whats happening in our marriage? We live thousands of miles away. The OM will never say anything to them, and if he does, we will deal with it then!! Stanley does not want this and neither do I. There is no cancer growing here,,it was terminated, extirped 2 plus years ago. Really....

And!!! If Stanley really want me to expose OM to my family I will do it.

I could not agree more. His behavior needs to stop immediately.



Noble goal and the only one that will work for your M. It is unfortunate that the A breeds a sense of entitlement... because that is destructive to the M... but it is real and needs to be dealt with.

I would suggest a no nonsense approach to this. Contact the woman yourself... let her know you are upset about this and let Stanley know this is to stop immediately. Having a session with the Harley's might nip this in the bud too!

I agree that your family should only be told if Stanely is in agreement with it. I am assuming you have zero contact with OM and that you exposed to his W. I am also assuming that no one in your family has contact with OM.

I told Stanley that I would talk to this woman and he got scared and told me that I should not embarrass him like that, because nothing was happening.

You do not need Stanley's okay to contact her. This is not a matter for POJA... you are trying to get to the bottom of an issue. It is better to the err on the side of caution here than to let this "possible" EA continue. Stanley should have NOT ONE SINGLE FRIEND that makes you uncomfortable. Not one... male or female.