The OM was separated when were together and he got divorced inmediatly because he thought him and I would run away into the sunset.

The OM has called my mom and has talked to her. My mom likes his attentions and thinks he is the best person in the world <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />. My mom is 87 years old, and loves any attention from anyone at this point.

If I contact this woman or talk to her, Stanley will literary kill me!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Okay... you are dead wrong about this then. NC means no contact... never hearing about , seeing, speaking to.... your mom needs to know that this man is an enemy to your family. It is beyond ridiculous that the man you let rape your marriage is visiting your mother. Common sense would tell you this is wrong.

When someone uses the word literally... I take it to mean just that. If that is the case... your H maybe having an emotional A is the least of the concerns here... if you fear for that under any circumstance... you need to leave your home immediately... seek help, shelter and protection. If you don't mean that... don't say it.

No, it’s not! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> My EA didn’t include personal discussions on my H an M like Stanley is doing with this woman, but mine was still an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR (although I have always wrongly viewed it as *just* “inappropriate friendship” <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />). This is definitely and EA. I can smell it... Especially the part about “exchanging pictures” was very disturbing and worrisome for me since I did the same during my involvement with OM…

Yes, this EMOTIONAL AFFAIR as well as the flirting with the woman at work (which is also heading for EA) must cease immediately…

Yes, I agree understanding is important…it can help explain why Stanley is behaving this way…BUT those things must NEVER be an excuse, justification or rationalization for his behavior by himself or any one else for that matter.

Some of the responses I’ve indeed interpreted as ‘excuses’ for his behavior and attempts to 'soften' his behavior (almost like ‘mitigating circumstances’ for defense in a court)… Maybe my interpretation was wrong...maybe not... But in case it wasn't wrong...I've already made my point about it.

Hmm, notice that I say "literary". Of course he will not kill me, but he will get soooooooooo angry with me and will not forgive me for "embarrassing" him

Literary means peratining to books...
Literally means it actually would happen!
Did you mean figuratively... as in a figure of speech?

Just being clear to make sure you are not in any danger.

If he will be upset about it.. so be it. You need to short circuit this behavior now.

Have you contacted the Harley's?

He is embarassing himself... you are merely calling him on it.

I was talking in the figure of speech <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />, sorry about that. He will not kill me, but he will be so angry and hurt if I do talk to that woman. He does not want to be embarrass in his place of work.

Myrta.. you are ignoring so much of the posts... and just giving sound bite responses.

Have you talked to the Harley's?

Do you realize that even if your H will be mad that you need to do what you can to stop this behavior now!?

Are you prepared to let hiom know this is not okay and that it needs to stop now?

Are you prepared to let him know that he should not have any relationships that are unsuppprtive of your M?

Do you see how your not exposing your A to your family is a danger to your M... not to mention insulting to your mother and husband. You need to have this man totally removed from any dealings with your family... otherwise there is still some indirect contact. Do you get that? Based on the facst you relayed... this needs to happen immediately.

Yes, I have flirted with a young woman. It made me feel good and I felt entitled. However, there were no intimate talks and she no longer works with me. I don’t know her phone number or have her email. The flirting was causal and unplanned, but it certainly boosted my wounded ego. The hugging was effusive because I had not seeing her in a long time.

I could never do anything like an EA or PA because I already know how the deal works. I am fully aware how an affair develops and how it can destroy a family and the betrayed spouse. Despite knowing that----------I guess I needed a little bit of validation. This is strange coming from me, but I needed to feel something like that.

I will also admit that I had fantasies about having an affair, but at the end of the day I have very little capacity to walk into the fog or to fall in the la la land of an affair.

The woman in question is no longer a co-worker and I have not seen her in months.

I also have a pen pal that I met at that other web site TOW. My wife has known about her. I have used her as a soundboard for many months and she has been helpful to me. I have spent a great deal of time counseling her-------and that has also been very positive for me. From day one I told this lady I am not into Internet romance or anything like that. However, I did mention to her my low self-esteem. She warmed me about how low self-esteem makes a person prone to have an affair. I will agree to that, but I could not have an affair because I know the dangers and the pain. As I said, I don’t get foggy just like that. In my opinion that is another requisite to be unfaithful.

I feel hurt because my wife is treating this as an affair and comparing it to what she had for two years. I repeat: I never had any planned meetings with this woman, never wrote her an email, or know her phone number. Whatever flirting developed was due to casual contact at work. As I said she is no longer in the office. Furthermore, I have no emotional investment of any kind. IN a sense I feel like a fool for been seeing as an infidel.

I loved Myra with all my heart and I feel very sad and depressed that this discovery will cause further damage to our relationship.

I also feel I have now developed a greater need for several ENs which were never an issue pre-affair. It seems I need more attention, affection, conversation, and SF. Maybe this greater need makes me prone to stray, but given my knowledge of affairs and my background I could never live a double life.

It seems you two have a big issue with "embarrassment"

It would weigh heavily on my mind(as I'm sure it does Stanley's) to have my FWW's OM in contact with my MIL, and he's only in contact because you two choose not to be embarrassed. I'm sure your OM gets some level of satisfaction talking to your mother knowing your husband knows about it.

Now you yourself have things weighing heavily on your mind because Stanley doesn't want to be embarrassed.

Maybe stop putting yourselves in embarrassing situations if you don't like to be embarrassed so?

I have not talk to the Harleys...no
Stanely DOES NOT WANT my family to know this. He says he will be too embarrass. Should I do it anyways??

I told him over and over again how much this bothers me. He knows it does....Will he do it again, I dont know. I dont work in his office, so I will not be able to see whats happening there.

"I have spent a great deal of time counseling her..."


Sorry buddy, but trading pics doesn't jive with simple "counseling"

Holy Cow!

There is nothing to expose. Flirting is not an affair. Flirting is just flirting. I am not excusing the behavior, but I have zero emotional investment into this flirting.

OTOH, I have exposed some of my soul to my pen pal. However, my talks mostly have to do with Myrta and the affair. This has been not a whole lot different than the email exchanges I once had with JL.

As I said, I am not the one I was pre-affair. I will never be the same and my ego will likely remain down for many years to come. However, I will not engage into an affair. It is not that I am morally superior. I simply cannot have two relationships at once. That sort of activity does not work for me.

I sent photos of Myrta and my kids. I showed the photos to Myrta.

hmmm, Stanley. Go back and read what you wrote- Read as if someone else posted it.

Sound familar?

Sound like fog-talk from a ws?

They have exchanged numerous pics between the two. The e-mails are a mile long too. But no, there is nothing there, according to him. He is too good to have an affair, he knows the consecuences....he said.

Stanley has never=ever shown me any of the emails they sxchanged. He showed me mabye one at the beginning of their correspondence. She has sent him pictures and I had not seen any.

Stanley- my husband started "counseling" a 20 year old last year, and now our marriage is over. Be very careful, please. You and Myrta have survived so much, and you don't want to throw that away by hurting her so deeply. You are both very intelligent, and can get thru this, but you must own up to the pain you are inflicting to your wife at this moment.

Who was it who said, "Things are what they appear to be?"