Okay, Stanley and Myrta... the truth seems to be on the table... what to do about it.

Stanley... you should have NO relationship... internet or otherwise with any woman that your W is not okay with. This is a POJA issue. Period... enough said. Stanley... you should not be confiding about your M to another W. That is just plain wrong.

Myrta... there is no comparison between your acts and his to date... so do not try and equate them IF you did.

You two scream ... "we need counseling now!!!"

Myrta... you need to tell your mom.... Stanley... get over the embarassment... she needs this man removed from her life and the life of her family NOW.

The two of you need to recommitt and remember that you are a married couple. Start acting like it today.

I'm sorry Stanley, but from what I've read in this thread, it sounds like you are having an online EA whether you admit it or not.

He is?

Anything your H does that he would not do if you were standing by his shoulder constitutes cheating.

Was he open about this e-mail correspondence, or did you discover it on your own? Was he open to sharing the contents of the e-mails with you, or did you have to ask/beg/plead before he would do so? Did he tell you about these "flirtations", or did you discover it yourself?

Examine his actions and see how they fit in with the definition of cheating above.

PS: Personally I wouldn't go into the details of the A with your 87-yr old mum. Just indicate to her that the OM is someone that's not to be trusted, and you'd believe that minimizing contact with him with be in the family's best interests.

Stanley,

So you're saying your intent was to have your EN for admiration met, your ego stroked, to feel appreciated by a woman who is not your wife...the wife of another man, is that correct?

"I loved Myra with all my heart and I feel very sad and depressed that this discovery will cause further damage to our relationship."

Her discovery of your flirting has not caused further damage to your relationship...your flirting did.

Your pen-pal with a woman of the opposite sex, where you do share some of your soul...hurts your marriage.

Have you acknowledged to Myrta that you heard and understood how she feels? Fearful? Hurt? Anger?

I hear you saying an affair isn't possible for you...and I would contend, Myrta did not believe it was for her, either...until you are already in the fog, you don't see yourself walking into it...and choosing to do what you know does damage to the relationship, violates the rule of protection, is a step...as well as holding the fantasy of another person in your head...because that blocks intimacy with your partner.

Mytra wants to be the one to meet your need for admiration, appreciation, acceptance and attention...flirt with your wife and cherish your marriage.

And Myrta? If you want to answer those questions I asked, to get to where you DJ instead of tell your truth...lemme know, 'k?

LA

MIM---Yesterday I sent my husband a picture to his yahoo acct. After seeing the picture, he left his mail opened and I got curious and went in. Thats when I saw all those emails between the TOW woman and him. Where he is pouring his soul to her, telling her about his innocent flirting witht he ex co-worker. He told the TOW woman that it has been four long months since he last saw her and how effusive their embrace was. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />.

I told my mother that the OM was persona non grata. I told her that I want NOTHING to do with hi m. I told her that he wanted something more from me that I was willing to agree to. She nows sees that the OM might have other intentions with me and she is less receptive to him. But,I will not tell her or my dad that I had an affair with him,,,,unless thats something that Stanley really wants and needs.

I sense guilt and entitlement here. Guilt from Myrta for having had an A 2 years ago. Entitlement from Stanley for the fact that she did and he is simply flirting without crossing the line.

Stanley, if you truly honor your wife, forgive what she did, don't forget and don't engage in behavior that hurts her simply because you feel it is harmless. If she's hurt by it, that's all you need to know and it needs to stop. If it has stopped, then you need to apologize.

If this other woman is truly just a friend, then let your wife know when you're going to write her, let her read what you wrote, and let her see the responses. Include her in the friendship and there will be nothing wrong with it. If she's still uncomfortable with it, then end it.

It's really simple. You've both turned to sources outside the marriage to for your ENs. Use that energy on each other to fix your marriage.

Stanley, my friend, you're playing with fire. It is a slippery slope that leads to infidelity. A harmless flirty conversation leads to a harmless lunch leads to a harmless rendezvous and then hormones kick in and excitement and then "oh, how did my p end up in your v?" The fact that you feel you're immune to infidelity can give you false confidence. We're all human and we were gifted/cursed by God with our hormones that often override our brains. It takes conscious effort to keep them in check.

Thank you for your advise, Papaof3---YOu are very right about everything you wrote.

We are almost neighbors by the way, we live in Gaithersburg,Maryland. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I am no expert but maybe you should go back and read the 15 steps to adultery...

It doesn't matter what the intent was it matters how your spouse feels...perception is everything...so if Myrta feels betrayed then stop the actions that made her feel betrayed...how did/would you feel with roles reversed?

The concept is very simple but it seems lots of underlying issues need to be dealt with...

Let me rephrase your post question...Can tasting a little crack be bad if you have a family history of addictive behaviors?

You guys love each other and have been through so much. Put all the cards on the table...search for the real issues and deal with them as if you were giving another MB member advise...remove yourselves from the situation and look at it objectively...be totally honest with yourselves and each other...you have too much invested to let this set you back...let it bring you to an even higher more satisfying M...JMHO

Early on I asked Myrta to write to this lady who had an EA. I also asked Myrta to read some of the emails, but she was not interested.


I think Myrta forgot how I shared a lot of the information with her and that I showed her photos. In fact, I wrote one of the most recent emails while Myrta was watching me. This was in an Internet Cafe while we were on vacation. Myrta said: " Are you writing to your friend?" I said, "yes, you want to read it". She dismissed it ands walked away.


I will not deny that some of the emails I wrote were discussing Myrta's affair and that I would not want her to read that. However, this discussion was very similar to emails I had with JL many months ago.

If Myrta wants to write to her I have no objection because I have not crossed any lines.

I freely admit that I was wrong to flirt with my former co-worker and to have fantasies about a retaliatory affair. As I said, I have no emotional investment in this flirting and it was done to sooth my ego. I also know quite well it can lead to other things. However, this woman is married and I cannot see myself harming another man (or my wife).

if it is all so innocent- then you could walk away from your 'friend' on TOW and never look back?

Of course I can walk away.

Stanley has asked me in the past if I wanted to read any of that's woman's emails, but that was at the beginning. When we went on vacation to Italy a couple of weeks ago, we went a couple of times to an internet cafe, for me to check on my kid's emails and him to check her emails. One time I bought a calling card to call mymom, and he stayed in the Internet cafe writing a long email to his friend, while I went out to look for a public phone to talk to my mom, He prefered staying writing this woman than going with me to look for a public phone in a foreign country. He has been getting hooked to writing and receiving emails from this woman, even if he is not willing to admit it.


P.S. Numerous times I have asked Stanley not to write
anymore in TOw, and he promises me that he will
not do it anymore, and he always goes back and
posts to people there. This woman that he writes
with, is from TOW.

Hi Stanley

Though you may believe it is all open and above board, and it may have honestly been your intent and desire to be that way, what about copying the posts made here into word, use replace in edit to replace Stanley for Jack and replace Myrta with Jill.

Then go back and read all that has been said.

What would you say to ‘Jack’ or ‘Jill’ now with your knowledge of MB and what you went through?

Stanley you are certainly walking on the edge even if you haven't fallen in yet .. please don't.

if you can walk away - do it

send her a letter stating no more contact- that it is deisrespectful to your wife and your marriage- then no contact.

let us know how that goes, will you?

I already did.


In fact, discussing the affair several months ago and the approach of the two year anniversary made me have a relapse and I noted the reappearance of resentment.

I have concluded that at this point I have no more need to discuss the affair with her.

YOu have?? When did you do it? Just yesterday after me finding out, you were writing her an e-mail. I guess you just start it today? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

Stanley... a few simple yes or no questions for you.

Do you think you should have any friend that your W is not comfortable with?

Do you feel that you need help getting over resentment and a sense of entitlement?

Have you created an environment where your W can tell you her feelings and have them taken into full consideration?

Do you think it is ever okay for a married man to be confiding in another female regarding his marital issues (assume this other female is not family or a therapist)?

Do you feel superior to your wife because you have never had a PA?

Do you find it odd that while on vacation in Italy that you were even thinking about this woman... let alone sending her an email while your W went looking for a phone in a foreign country?

Are you okay?

Are you being 100% honest here and with your W?

Is Myrta being 100% honest?

Myrta

NC is an essential part of recovery. You will never have NC while the OM knows your pride will prevent you taking any action to compel him out of your family's life.

To any MB-aware reader Myrta your situation appears unbelievably dangerous yet you and Stanely appear not to see it, prioritising instead your 'standing' in your family.

Raising this issue of flirting when OM is effectively blackmailing you to stay in contact with him and grooming your family to enable him is the equivalent of tidying the deckchairs on a sinking ship.

Don't worry I will not say this again. I suspect you both know that this situation of OM being able to blackmail you is very unhealthy.

Good luck.

Actually... allowing that person access to her family is a bit perverse... I would be irate if I were her mother and father... may anger would be directed at my daughter for not telling me!!!!!!!!