So even if they BOTH assure me that there is nothing going on and the woman wrote me a long email explaining to me what was she coming from, I should be suspicious and dont let them communicate any longer?

Myrta,

Remember Harley's advent to protect our own weaknesses? Stanley said he got admiration met by this woman...can be in the act of effort in responding, sharing...receiving advice and being given it...and he wanted to share his Italy thoughts...thinking of her while with you...

He is feeling insecurity for the first time...unknown terrority. Protecting himself from that weakness, right now, is a smart choice.

I respect whatever you choose to believe. Your choice to not believe is not the same as choosing not to love or respect. What you choose to do to protect your marriage is yours. Same for Stanley.

I've learned to not gamble with my marriage...if there is a doubt, I'm outta there. (Not the marriage...the situation.)

LA

LA, what you say is right!! Thank you so much...SOmetimes thoughts get crazy inside one's head and you start to believe something else, that goes against whats right. Its been a rough two years, so many ups and downs, crazy rollercoaster, it fogs the mind big time!

myrta

my H affair started online <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

if your H cares about your feelings, he should be willing to stop communicating with this woman right?

Myrta,

The first line of defense against infidelity are boundaries. Stanley has exceeded those boundaries. Once boundaries are out of play, anything can happen.

Dear Myrta, I'm going to post the following because I care and I'm concerned about you and Stanley:

Myrta, this is an understatement and shows me that you (and Stanley) minimize/deny the true dangers of private e-mail correspondence between people of the opposite sex. From first hand experience I can tell both of you that private e-mail correspondence can be more dangerous than “in person” communication between people of the opposite sex. This is so because with private e-mail, there is a false safety behind the computer screen…and for this reason EA’s can develop quickly, in maybe a few days or weeks online, where it might take a year at the office or “in person”. For example, I said things and behaved in ways to OM on e-mail I would NEVER dream of doing in person…all because the computer gave me a false sense of security which allowed me to start “opening up” towards OM and react on his flirting, joking and teasing…things I would never do or allow in person or during “face-to-face” communication.

This is no guarantee Myrta… You know, me and OM’s friendship was not a secret to my H either... My H knew me and OM was chatting regularly on e-mail at work…and many times I shared with my H what me and OM was talking about. Even the day when the friendship developed to a more personal when I’ve decided to confide in OM about my childhood and issues with my father and family (at that time I was in deep depression and started IC) I shared that with my H too… Unconsciously I knew the things I confided with OM were very wrong, inappropriate and too personal, but by sharing that with my H I thought I could “make it” okay. Even some of the holiday photos I’ve send to OM on his request, included photo’s of myself and my H together (where we were standing next too each other)…and my H even knew about some of these photo’s.

Myrta, don’t get me wrong, I believe Stanley is telling you the truth...and I believe he is sincere…but unfortunately I think he is in denial...and I can see you're in denial too now... You see, even though there is/was no romantic/inappropriate feelings involved, I want to point out that Stanley WAS getting some of his EN’s met by this TOW woman AND the woman he flirted with. The TOW friend was obviously filling his needs for Honesty & Openness; Conversation…and the woman he flirted with filled his needs for Affection; Physical Attractiveness and Admiration. And on top of that I believe there was already some sort of emotional attachment with the TOW woman since Stanley had the need to e-mail this woman while he was away on holiday with you.

Yes, he might not be that “kind” of guy and might not develop those type of feelings easily, but it doesn’t mean that he is an “exception” and that it can’t happen to him at all. Everyone who gets his/her needs filled by a person of the opposite sex can fall in love with that person one or other time if the filling of the needs continues for long enough… This is also in line with what Dr Harley is teaching about the Love Bank and how Romantic Love can get triggered when there is enough Love Units in the Love Bank for a specific person. This is also in line with what Shirley Glass (author of the book “NOT Just Friends”) was saying about opposite sex friendships e.g. that ''the new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,''. This is how my involvement with OM crossed boundaries from platonic friendship to romantic love too. Like Stanley, I originally thought I wasn’t the type of girl who would get a “kick” out of e-mail communication and "fall in love" with the guy…and because of this belief, I’ve put myself at risk, crossed boundaries, became vulnerable and as a result I eventually did developed those feelings.

Yes, this might be true, but please keep in mind that close opposite sex friendships can be just as dangerous (or even more dangerous) because on the “surface” it feels and appears so “innocent”. I’m sure any person who originally enters a close opposite sex friendship and “confide” in such a friend about personal matters, doesn’t have bad intentions…and I’m sure Stanley’s intentions were not bad either…but as the saying goes: ”The road to he!! is paved with good intentions…".

I’ve also learned that sometimes, people like Stanley who believe they are not prone to A’s or falling in love with someone other than their spouse, can be more vulnerable exactly because of this dangerous belief. They belief they can never get tempted and then think it’s “save” to cross boundaries with the opposite sex. I can speak from experience since I believed the same and did the same. I believed that I would NEVER betray my H in any way and that I was not capable or “had it in me” to betray him or would even experience the temptation to betray him with another man. Somehow I thought I was “above” infidelity and temptation and immune against it. Now I belief given the right circumstances, any of us are capable of any sin. The Bible says, ”Don’t be so naive and self-confidant. You’re not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else”. The same is true for Stanley…

As I’ve said, I believed the same…and as a result I failed to protect myself and eventually I did unwittingly developed inappropriate feelings for OM…something I thought I was not capable of and something I thought would never happen to me.
As I’ve said to Stanley earlier on this thread, I also don’t fall in love easily and it took me almost 3 YEARS of e-mail contact before I’ve reach this stage with OM. Therefore I believe if Stanley continues private contact and conversation with this TOW woman for long enough and get his needs for Conversation; Honesty & Openness etc. met by her for long enough - even if he is open & honest with you about it – it will eventually happen to him too…

NS: Photo’s IS visual.

I very much agree with ToddAC on this...

Myrta, I hope you will take what I’ve posted to heart and take it seriously… I know what I’ve learned from my experience and the wisdom I’ve gained from it is very real. What I’ve said to you in this post and the things I’ve learned is also in line with what Dr Harley is saying (Love Bank, Love Units, how Romantic Love can get triggered if EN's are met etc.).

The woman that my husband writes with, wrote me again, re-assuring me how safe and right it was their emailing. She assured me there was nothing emotional going on. She says that my husband has the greatest love for me and I should believe in their innocent talks.

My husband told me today that they were emailing each other almost everyday <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />. But it was all general stuff lately, nothing personal of the two. But yet they did write to each other almost every day.

I am getting dazed with all this information from my husband and her and from the adamant oppinions that they are so wrong writing to each other. I want to believe Stanley and this woman....but maybe they really should not talk anymore.

Myrta

maybe they shouldn't

If you can't put down the drug, then you're addicted.

Stanley is smart enough to know this isn't protecting his marriage. Ask him if he can go two months without contacting her...and would he? To honor your marriage?

Myrta...they shared intimate details about their lives...they did that...that they aren't doing it now doesn't remove that they did that.

LA

I am sure they believe it as well. Self-deception lies on the path to infidelity. Think about this Myrta: Stanley took the time in Italy to email her while you, alone, searched for a payphone. Does that sound like the Stanley that you know?

"My husband told me today that they were emailing each other almost everyday. But it was all general stuff lately, nothing personal of the two. But yet they did write to each other almost every day."

Wow, it's deja vu all over again.

This is precisely what FWW and OM did during the entirety of their 10 year LTA. Emailed mostly innocuous drivel back and forth. Almost every day. Except when they used email to arrange an assignation. (IMO that was drivel too.)

Sure did meet an EN or two. Even just that level of communication.

Myrta, start emailing Stanly your grocery lists and your every random musing...

See how long it takes before he cries uncle.

With prayers,

Stanley tells me he stoped writing with the OW, but I really dont know if he is telling me the truth <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />. I dont know his password, so I dont know who he writes to.

If he goes behind my back writing her, then I see our furture pretty bleak.

Myrta,

Stanley should divulge his password to you so you can confirm. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Stanley must become completely transparent.

As must you.

He must give you all of his passwords on all his accounts.

Every one of them.

Has nothing to do with infidelity, actually. Has everything to do with just being married.

I understand the concern of most of you. I particularly have empathy for the women that fell for OM via Internet after OM s wrote the correct phrases of admiration.

Let me be very clear:

1. Admiration is not one of my ENs. I don’t need it or at best, it rates low in comparison to others. Most folks that are prone to affairs have a high need for the EN of admiration (probably because of low self-esteem).

2. I can understand how many fall in love overt the Internet without a visual connection. However, I AM NOT WIRED LIKE THAT.

3. My Internet friend has written Myrta extensively because there is nothing to hide. For some reason the replies of Myrta are not entering her email. My Internet friend has been a long time lurker in MB, but she will not post. She is worried about receiving harsh words------even if coming from strangers.

4. Myrta always had access to my email except for the last few weeks when I had to change the password and forgot to give it to her.

5. It hurts to be accused of full blown infidelity after my flirting and email writing. But, I will take it and I accept it is wrong. I still believe it is not the same as sleeping with someone, but somehow many women don’t see it that way-----I don’t get it.

Stanley, I really feel sorry for Myrta. It must really suck to be married to a man who thinks he is perfect and above sin.

Gosh, I thought Jesus was the only one who could claim that.

Hi Myrta,
I haven't posted to you before but had to chime in for a second here.

Keep an eye on things. Since we are FWW...we know how these things get started.

Stan,
You remind me of my bh soooo much. When I confessed my A...my bh had been talking to a single mother on his cell quite often.
I initially thought no big deal...it was all work related and he talked to her in front of me at times.
But, then he began going into his home office and shutting the door. I would hear him laughing and this was all after work hours phone conversations.

I would listen at his door. I would hear his responses full well knowing he wasn't talking all "shop" all the time.

At one point when his phone would ring...I could see his facial expressions sort of light up. I told him he was vulnerable to taking it to an emotional level. He would get mad and declare that he was NOT interested whatsoever and he could talk to whomever he wished. I told him that this is how affairs get started!!!

He enjoyed being a mentor to her. He kept saying to me "don't be so paranoid...you haven't seen her...why would I eat hamburger out when I have steak at home."

Well....

I responded..."it ain't a beauty contest!!"

My husband says he isn't wired for an affair. Bull- hockey. He was still playing w/fire. Just like I did. I asked him to stop talking to her. He eventually did. But, for a long time he would lie about talking to her. He didn't know I was checking our home phone. We have internet ph and call logs are available. I still haven't told him that I get into those call logs...just in case.
I remember him knowing way too much about her...things about her son/xh etc... They had no office contact....just phone contact.
You sound exactly like my bh...exactly. Could NEVER happen to you. NEVER. My bh says he doesn't need admiration either.

Bottomline...

You may never be wired to follow through in an affair. I never thought I would be wired either.

hi Brandi9--Thanks for your input in the situation. I am keeping an eye on things...more now than ever!!

My husband and his email friend are still trying to convince me that there is zero emotional connection between the two. The OW is getting kind of angry with me because I am not getting that my husband is so trustworthy and I should not doubt their intentions . I think that they are trying way too much to convince me that everything is so innocent and good and nothing to worry about. The OW reads here but does not want to post because she does not want to be judge by other posters here. She thinks some people here (I agree)are way to judgemental and make blanket statements about everyone they dont agree with.

I think that my husband maybe was not wired before to have an affair, but now his wires are haywired, so he could do it, just like I did. I thought I would never do it too, but fell for it 29 years into my marriage. So it could happen to ANYONE!!! ANd usually fall for the other person because of their personalities, not because of their looks and my husband likes this woman's personality a lot!!!

I know that he is going to miss e-mailing with her and so will she, (she told me so). But this really must stop !!

Myrta

Myrta - If one of my men friend's wife was uncomfortable with our friendship, that would be the end of it for me. Any honorable woman would do the same.

No matter what your husband's intentions are, hers are not on the up and up.

The litmus test is not whether Stanley or the OW feel their relationship is inappropriate; the test is how you feel Myrta.