I've been posting on the infidelity board for awhile now because I was trying to save my M but things have taken a turn for the worst. My greatest fear has arrived- WH has hired a process server. WH filed for D in late June but never served me. He wanted to have a friend do it but instead has hired a process server to do the dirty deed. Someone rang my doorbell tonight but I didn't answer the door. I assume it was the process server.

I broke down tonight, crying and shaking. I've been praying for WH's heart to soften, for him to reconsider our M. Unfortunately, WH has traveled in darkness for too long and isn't looking back.

I consulted with an atty a month ago but I'm calling two more tomorrow.

I live in a no-fault state. WH specifically requested that I don't retain an atty and WH emphasized he wants "an easy and painless D." I find that to be very contradictory since my Christian H (pre-A) said M is for life and he didn't believe in D. That's what alien behavior does- it's completely changed my H. Anyways, a D is never easy and painless. The tearing of one flesh is so painful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sigh...I'm an emotional wreck tonight. I'm incredibly fearful for this D. I thought I'd be prepared for a D but based on my emotions tonight, I'm certainly not.

I'll be deep in prayer tonight. I'll be praying for wisdom, strength and peace.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Ready,

OK, take a deep breath...

Are you in Plan A or Plan B? It sounds like you are a candidate for Plan B but I don't know the entire story.

What I DO KNOW is I made it through my divorce. I am a grown man and was never so scared in my life! I cried everynight, I would wake up in the morning and lay in the bathroom sobbing. I thought about suicide, I went through every horrible emotion possible. But here I am 2 years later doing fine.

You can't control what he is doing and it IS HIS CHOICE. Please, please believe that. But, you can control yourself, how you react to this.

I cannot emphasize enough that this pain will pass becaue IT WILL PASS! I got through it and so will you.

OK????

Keith

PS. I and others here will help you through this. You are NOT alone my friend.

Hi Keith,

I've been in Plan B since June 13th.

Thank you for your encouraging words. I have felt so alone, especially recently. Winding down after a busy day is a hardest on my emotions because I find myself alone in the house that my H and I shared.

I'm having a difficult time accepting the fact that WH wants a D. No matter how much I've tried to prepare myself for the reality of the D proceedings, I don't think I ever will be. WH knows how much I don't want this D yet he won't give an ounce of thought into the consequences of D. WH is treating a D as an easy answer to M probs. It's ironic because H planned our M ceremony details because he said how important M was to him. He said he wanted our guests to remember how special our M was. Now, everyone is devastated except for him. He gets his way and wants to walk away from all of it.

I know that from pain comes healing but I think this pain is going to endure for a long, long time. I continue to praise God for His presence in my life and rely on Him during this very unpredictable time.

ready,

I would echo BHINWI' s comments. I too am over 2 years out and while going through the first few months I never truly appreciated some of the vets comments about this being a verrrrry long roller coaster ride.

Do get yourself legally protected and in a great Plan B if that is your choice. Then spend the rest of your time NOT co-operating with anything having to do with the legal process. You can do nothing to change your WH's mind but time has a way of tearing apart WS's fantasies.

Best of luck

Hi ready,
Sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm afraid I can't offer any advice, but I do hope one day he wakes up and realises exactly what he is potentially throwing away.

You deserve better and one day you will get better

M

Cymanca and Mintol,

Thank you for your kind words. I woke up crying this morning. My heart is broken more than it was before. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Right when things were going smoothly, I run into yet another disappointment. Acceptance is a very hard stage for me. I am not there yet.

I want so much to have my mother here to talk to. She passed away three years ago. My MIL became a second mom to me. Unfortunately, my ILs have taken my WH's side. That was expected, however, it has been such a loss for me to lose WH and his entire family.

I'm having a hard time dealing with reality. I really hope that this pain subsides soon.

Ready,

It will get better. It just takes time. Do you have a sister or someone to turn to since your in-laws are out of bounds?

Think twice before stonewalling the divorce process. Think if it is in your best emotional health to do so. Sometimes, dragging something out keeps one stuck in the past. You’ll need to decide that for yourself.

Do work with a lawyer to protect yourself. Red lights go flashing off in my brain every time I hear some tell someone else “Oh, don’t get a lawyer. Let my lawyer handle it for us both.” This is hogwash. First off, one lawyer cannot represent two opposing interests. So his lawyer is looking out for him and he doesn’t want you to have the same benefit. That feels like a dirty trick to me.

Getting served can be a traumatic experience. Maybe you can arrange a time and place with the server. That way you can have a friend with you, and you’ll be more in control of the situation.

Hi ready,

I'm heartbroken right there with you... many people here are... and I was saddened to read this post this morning, I know you've been doing better and this feels like a big wall, huh? You have a good soul and much character, I know you'll make this.

As others here can attest, life does not end with a divorce. This isn't your choice, you've chosen differently, but also... please don't believe your future isn't bright. IT IS. You deserve so much better, like Mintol above said also.

Hi Greengables,

Yes, I am very blessed to have a sister who lives a few minutes from me. She's the only family I have who is close to me geographically. I had lunch with her today and we're going to see a movie tonight.

Hi Corinth,
I'm very upset. My eyes are swollen from crying. It's been nice to share my trial with you on the other board but out of necessity, I've had to migrate to this one now.

I thought I was doing pretty well for awhile. I'm in a very sad and dark place in my life. My biggest hurdle is accepting all of this nonsense that my WH has created for me- for us. I'm incredibly frustrated by how WH has made all the decisions since his A. So much for this M being equal for both parties. He's called all the shots and I've suffered the entire time. My world is crumbling and I've lost my confidence.

No one can every prepare for the destruction of one's marriage. I'm learning how unprepared I am for the unknown.

I know I deserve better but I'm having a hard time accepting the truth about the D. I realizing how weak I am.

Generally, I'm a confident, driven and persevering woman but I've lost it all right now.

My head is throbbing from all the crying I've done. This is only the beginning of a long road ahead.

ready,

I'm including a few paragraphs I lifted from a website about pain and going through suffering. I genuinely hope you find some peace in your dark time with God. You aren't alone in your struggle. I'm praying for you today. Here's part of the article:

-- We know that you may be hurting, physically in pain, and tired of the battle. Turn from those things and look at the life of your dear Savior. He was led to the desert, tired, hungry, and scorched by the sun. Look at Him on the way to the cross, once again in pain—through no fault of His own. He understands your suffering, and He will not allow it to be wasted. "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need" (Hebrews 4:15-16).

How might God work through you to bring healing to your situation? Are you willing to give up your "right" to sympathy in order to receive real peace, in order to become more like Christ? If so, we encourage you to lift your eyes to the Lord. How is God providing you with comfort and assurance of His care? He has promised to walk with you and to help you to bear this burden (Matthew 11:28). He promises that He has a plan for your life (Jeremiah 29:11), and that He has work for you to do (Ephesians 2:10). Your present days are part of that plan. Pray for solutions; but until they come, let every moment be used to glorify God and to make you more like Christ. "To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me" (Colossians 1:29).

May the God of comfort and peace be your daily strength according to His promise in Isaiah 41:10, which states: "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." --

I know it's difficult at times to feel like God is even listening or concerned at all about our situation when we are going through so much misery and pain. But Jesus knows exactly what your situation is with your WH and he's right there with you, ready, at this moment.

Allow your grief to kind of work it's way through you, allow it to cleanse you and relieve some of the pressure. These challenges are not ones you've asked, or deserve, but God knows how they can and will bring you to a stronger place spiritually and personally. Your WH is not dictating the game here, he is lost in his own self. WS's don't set the rules, they only break them.

You are meant for something better, ready.

I hurt every day for what my WW has done, to herself and to me. It makes no sense so I no longer try to make sense of it. I have learned something I've always needed to know, how to let go and not try so hard. Be at peace with myself and others. Accept my futility at times. Open up and let the moment be what's good. Let my WW do her thing, it is what she wants, let her see if it works. It is her own legacy she is attempting to construct, I have nothing to do with it anymore. I have turned it over to God. Sure, I still suffer, but I'm not trying to control my suffering.

I don't know if that helps you, but for me, who tried to control my marriage, life, world... I need to take it easy and give up sometimes.

I realize you are just now getting the serving notice news and it's hard. Time will help heal you.

Does this help? I don't want to make this too long but just know people care about you... take care.

God Bless

((((((((((((((Ready)))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry you are going through such agony. I feel for you.

I was the one that filed for D, not something I wanted, but WH has yet to admit his A and at the time I just felt that it was the right thing to do. Some days I think it was, others I regret doing it.

I know how you feel, I do. It is so unfair to be put on this path that we never asked for. I know we could have had a good life if we would have worked at it. Sure we had problems, but he never gave our M a chance. He found OW first. The day I took my vows I thought it was forever. How dare he shatter my dreams. How dare he turn my life and his kids lives upside down for another woman?

It is beyond my comprehension how they can look themselves in the mirror everyday or look at their kids and have no remorse or shame.

My WH is living with OW, 17 yrs. younger than him. I still can't believe he did this to us.

Everyone says to take care of me, etc. etc. It is so hard. I just want to run away and never come back. All I do is think of WH and how our life could have been. I'm on AD's, who knows if they are helping. I used to take comfort in at least I would have peace while sleeping, but now I've starting dreaming about WH and OW. The pain never ends. It is with me 24 hours a day.

I try and put on a brave front for the kids, but I am so tired of pretending.

I try and give it up to God, but it is so hard. I understand he is not "doing" this to me, but can't he see how much pain I am in? Why is WH happy and not me? He's the one that sinned and broke his vows, I didn't! I was the faithful one. I went to church all the time. He never did. Why should he get rewarded and I get punishred? It's so unfair!

I know I deserve better, but I don't want to start all over again. I want the life we could have had. Don't want my kids to have to go through all this. Can't he see what he's doing? Is OW more important than his family? The answer is yes. And that saddens me so.

O.K. enough of the pity party.

I know we will get through this. We really have no choice. We wake up everyday and deal with it somehow.

Just know that I feel for you and know how hard it is.

Try and hang in there, that's all we can do.

I will keep you in my prayers and I hope you will do the same for me.

I am sorry it has come to this but I do hope you can find help and support here.

As far as your wh's request that you not get an attorney, don't listen to him. Do it anyway.

I'm touched by everyone's comments, encouraging thoughts and similar pain. This site has been a huge blessing in my life. I'm so glad I stumbled across it in June. I had been toughing out my M from late March to June without the MB site and it was grueling. I am reminded by all of you that I'm not alone.

Corinth,
Thank you for the excerpts from the website. I'm wiping away tears from my eyes as I type. I'm going to print the text and keep them with me at all times, along with plenty of Scripture that I refer to throughout the day.

I went to the bookstore and scoured the Christian inspiration section again. I thumbed through several spiritual books on pain, loss and grief. It's saddening how my book collection has shown so much digression in my sitch starting with secrets on a happy M to how to save a M to how to cope with D, pain and loss. My goodness, things have changed so much for me. Deep breath.

You are in my prayers.

Catgirl,
Thank you for your sympathy. I can feel your pain. You are one tough cookie. Stay strong for your kids. They need their mom to be strong for them right now. This whole experience is so exhausting. While our WHs are "playing" and neglecting their duties as husbands, we are trying to sift through the rubble of our M, attempting to move on with our lives without tripping over more of life's potholes. This shock is going to take a long time to wear off. Everyday I ask "Why?" In fact, there is a book that I browsed through today by Anne Graham Lotz entitled, "Why." I'm buying it tomorrow. I'll post excerpts from it for you.

I know that I am constantly being refined by God. I have sought God in so many facets of my life. I've made numerous friends along the way (many who were WH's friends but are now estranged from him) and further reinforced past friendships through this. I know that the only thing I can do is find shelter in our Lord. Like my friend said today, "God is light years ahead of us. He knows what will happen." We will be taken care of. You are in my prayers.

Cinderella,
Thank you for your thoughts. This board has been my lifeline.

I'm still contemplating on retaining an atty. My pastor said that maybe I shouldn't because this will create too much friction. I should let this be done with peace and dignity. WH will be PO'd if I retain one. Interesting because this is my occupation. It isn't family law but I have my contacts. He specifically asked me not to. His words continue to echo in my mind, "I want this D to be painless and easy." What world is he living in? Who said that Ds are painless and easy?

Thanks to everyone on this board. I am so grateful for your kind words and wisdom. I'm exhausted. Keep the comments coming.

Blessings to you all,

Then retain an attorney to prevent any perception that you are a willing participant in the "easy" dissolution of your marriage.

Why would you make things easy for a rapist? Or an alien bent on forcing you to change your life's course?

Retain the attorney to preserve your best interests and retain for yourself as many choices as you can recover based on his theft of your choices.

[color:"brown"]((((((( [color:"red"]r[color:"green"]e[/color]a[color:"purple"]d [color:"blue"]y [color:"brown"])))))))) [/color]

[color:"black"] I've typed your name in color in hopes that you remember what you already know...that you're beautiful, you're loved, and you're dynamic...and though your colors may feel faded to you they appear bright to me.

I was where you were I believe just a few weeks ago...in the final acceptance, letting go phase. It's ok. I've given it over to God...and what a relief! I'm not happy every moment but I have more and more peaceful, content, happy moments every day...I feel "lighter."

Love is there. Love is here. Love will be there. I understand so well exactly where you are...I have felt just recently the deep painful despair...it's part of the healing...recognize it...know you're grieving and accepting...it's the stage right before acceptance.

My best advice is as much as you can do something, do something for yourself...sure feel your pain but continue caring and doing good things, interesting things for yourself...love yourself now...I've found that once I got over the initial crying acceptance stinky stage...I started looking forward to showering, keeping my home clean and tidy, my school work, for ME...then all of a sudden I was full enough to give to my children who need me there...and they feel good...I can tell...that I'm frankly now a pillar of strength and calmnes for them...that sounds a little heady, I know but I just take it one moment at a time. Don't get me wrong...I make mistakes...all the time. That's ok...I'm learning..you are too!

You can't change him, you didn't cause this, you can't cure him...I've gotten Alot Alot out of the book Spiritual Divorce. It's basic premise is that perhaps your divorce is a gift from God...perhaps you're missing the gifts within the parting of the two of you...it isn't always easy...however in the long run I find myself knowing that forgiving him, letting him and our M go, still loving him, and respecting his choice and givng myself the SAME respect not more...but NO lESS ...loving my self...may have been the best gift of this whole process.

I wish you the best...There is a silver lining, look for it, play music, light a candle, go for a bike ride, enjoy and feel the breeze...the world is colorful, lovely and beautiful...just like YOU...and YOU are.


It won't last for ever, it will get better...I was just there...and I revisit less and less...you will to.

Strongest[/color]

PS: you need a lawyer to know your rights...did you try to mediate? That's what I'm doing presently...try going at it from a friendly stance first. If that IS what he wants...have him walk the talk. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Don't contemplate not retaining an attorney. Go and see one and you don't have to retain him/her right away. Retain only once you have been served. Your WH IS AFRAID of you contesting the D. That's why the bast*ard told you he wants the D quick and painless. Why wouldn't he?

Yesterday, I saw an attorney. I will use her in the event that a D is filed. I live in a no fault state. So be informed regardless how difficult this is. You need to do this for yourself.

I know what you're going through. Remember, God won't hand you what HE doesn't think you're not capable of. HE knows your strength. HE wants you to discover it. Rise above it. That's how you will define yourself. Your WH and all WS have defined themselves the minute they made the conscious decision to cheat. That's the cross they will forever bear and take to their grave. Powerful isn't?

Hang in there. Keep crying. I heard tears are healthy. THey rid your body of toxic chemicals AND clear the soul. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Stargazelily

Ready,

Sorry I haven't checked in with you lately... As I read your post, it reminds me of exactly where I was 2 years ago.

I and everyone here know EXACTLY how you feel. You have a journey ahead of you... a roller-coaster of emotions that will go all over the place. Things that are very important to do:

1. Lean on us here as MUCH as you need!
2. It is time to call in favors from your dearest friends. Talk to them as much as you need. If they have never been divorced, they may not understand. But, they will help you.
3. Make sure you eat. I lived off of apple sauce and yogurt for 4 months. Not the best diet but it was all I could eat.
4. Start seeing a good therapist
5. See a medical Dr. about anti-deppresents
6. Exercice - if you aren't up to it, go for long brisk walks.
8. Educate yourself by reading books on grief, divorce, infedility. The more you can understand about what you are going through, the better you can cope.
9. Hire a good attorney - let him/her do the work.
10. Most importantly, remember it WILL get better.

Time heals my friend....

Keith

Big fat enormous DITTO

Pep