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#1721430 08/02/06 02:04 AM
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Hello. I have been married for 15 years and we have 2 kids. My husband and I have had our share of problems in the past. But our constant battle is that he wants me to have sex with other men for his pleasure. He says he is bored with our sex life and needs this to add adventure to it. He says he needs this to feel like I truly love him. He says he feels rejected when I tell him that I won't do this one thing for him and that it hurts him. My argument is that I don't want to be with another man. And that I love him and made a commitment to God that I would only be with my husband. My husband insists that God wouldn't mind because it would be consentual. That if it's okay with my husband than it's okay with God. My husband is not a believer. I don't know what to say to him anymore. He constantly is asking me for this and it causes me to be distant because I don't even want to go there. He told me to ask God to give me a clear answer. I know deep in my heart that God doesn't want me to do this, but I don't know what to say to my husband. I love him with all my heart and pray for him everyday. Please help me.

-A

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Welcome to MB!

Say No. Not now, not ever. Feel free to call me God if you wish, as that is the clear answer.

I certainly agree with you that the marriage bed is no place for company, and it should remain the two of you forever. However, if the tow of you were both totally enthusiatic about the arrangement, then I guess that you could make it work. In the absence of the POJA, there is no way this should happen.

It sounds to me like H is trying to totally manipulate you, and is being very disrespectful of you and your feelings. Do not stand for it. Give yourself the permission to know that you are worthy of a monogamous relationship and give him the flat out no. Perhaps he continues to harp on it because you have not responded firmly?


Me 45 Her 50
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Thank you for replying. I have come out and flat out told him many, many times - no. After time passes and we are intimate, he then brings it up again. It is the only way for him to get into it. He told me that it isn't the way I look, and that he feels I'm almost perfect and this one little thing will make me perfect. I tell him that I am not perfect, never will be perfect and don't want to be perfect. Only Jesus is perfect. He doesn't like it when I bring God into it. He is jeaslous that I want to obey God and not do what he wants. He has even told me that he feels I love God more. He just doesn't get it. You said in your post that you suppose if we were both in agreement of his wants, then it might possibly be okay. I'm a little confused by that, because you otherwise tell me I should say no. Let's just say I did want to (even though I don't) then you think it is okay? Again, thank you for replying. I really need someone to talk to about this. I cannot talk about it with friends or family.

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Torninca,

I personally would never think it is OK for me or my marriage. It also would not be OK for my religious beliefs. What I meant was basically "Different Strokes for Different folks" - If both of you can come to a truly enthusiastic agreement, then it may not hurt your marriage so much (leaving out the marriages of other partners, of course). In other words, I do not feel that I am the one to judge what is right for other people - I have a hard enough time for myself.

The fact remains that your husband is being extremely disrespectful of you and your beliefs on this issue. I truly do not know how to advise you further.

You will likely get more of a response posting in the Emotional Needs forum here, as that is much busier.

Also, follow the links for Marriage Builders Radio at the top of the site - you can listen in online at the designated times and call with questions - I did and was able to ask the Harley's specific questions that were bugging me.


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Thank you for your comments. I appreciate it.

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Torn,

You aren't alone and your H isn't an aberration. He has a problem. He has an active fantasy life which is now hindering true intimacy in real life. The one you share.

Up to him to get help. Up to you to make your boundary (which is saying no) and enforcing it.

This sounds like Sex Addiction (SA). It actually isn't about sex, but neither of you will really know that until you get some professional help.

Your part is to know your part...you've said no, it is not in your code to do so...do you say how disrespectful it is of him to continue to ask? What you believe is valid. It's yours.

Does he also use porn? What about other things...over eating, over spending...any other habits which seem compulsive?

Normally I ask posters to look inside themselves...I'm only asking you to see your H in all ways, not parts...not because he's the problem, but because you can't control him...and you may be seeing mostly an H you want rather than the whole of him.

This is important to you--please know that taking action, boundary enforcements, is appropriate for a healhty marriage. And your marriage has its own boundaries...which means no other person is allowed in it for any reason.

LA

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Dear LovingAnyway,

He knows my beliefs and yes I've told him how disrespectful I think it is for him to ask me. We both agree to disagree on this issue, but he will not give up. He used to look at porn, but no indication of it in the past few years. He does have some compulsive tendencies. Not bad ones, just hobbies and such. I don't want to control my h in any way and I love him unconditionally. But he thinks that I don't feel he's worth taking a risk for. I feel like he is jealous of God and he feels like he doesn't mean as much to me as God does. He keeps telling me he's worth it and I should do what he wants. He is even trying to give me a "deal" - asking me to only do it for him once every 2 months. That he gives me everything I want, why can't I give him what he wants and "needs". He won't go to MC because he doesn't feel he has a problem. Because of his lack of a belief in God, he sees things differently than I do.

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He keeps telling me he's worth it and I should do what he wants.

The mere fact that he pressures you, disrespects your faith, and tries to manipulate you certainly contradicts the idea of him as a "worthy" husband. In a healthy relationship, you respect your spouse, not try to force her into doing something she feels is wrong.

Kathi

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I would tell him.......

"OK.....lets do it, I hope the other man doesnt please me more in bed, or I may have to divorce and marry him"


This is just a joke, but it still might work.

*shrugs*

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I agree Kathi.

StartinOver - I've told him stuff like that, but he knows that I won't leave because of my religious beliefs.

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Hi torn. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have friends that were once married. They were high school sweethearts, had 2 kids and were married 15 years. The H did what your H is doing. She didn't want to AT ALL. She hated the idea of "swinging", but he pestered her where she finally gave in. The guy she ended up having sex with felt like she did. His W kept insisting, he didn't want to, but also finally gave in. Well, my friend W left her H of 15 years and 2 kids to be with the swinger H. Their divorce was a mess, their kids torn apart. Just a bad decision on all fronts. I recently learned that the guy is now pressuring the woman he's involved with now to swing as well. I feel it would not only never stop, but his need for more adventure would just increase.

Good luck. :-)

Jessica

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Torn,

You cannot control your H in anyway...that's just a human fact. What you can do is state how you feel, "I feel harassed and bullied by your desire for this. I believe this may end our marriage. Would you like to go to counseling, separate or accept that I will not now, nor ever, participate in adultery in our marriage ."

You spiritual beliefs do not prohibit you from separating or divorcing based on adultery, do they? This issue is affecting your marital boundaries...intimacy, trust, honoring and cherishing...it's important.

LA

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Does he use porn?

You might want to check out the website for SAnon. www.sanon.org

This may well fall under the description of a form of sexual addiction.

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I agree with LA. Adultry is the one thing that God does allow us to divorce for. It shows total dishonor and disrespect and lack of commitment for the one we're married to. Remember this and stand your ground. Let him know God does allow for divorce in these cases, then maybe he won't think you're bluffing when you tell him your marriage is at stake.

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I don’t know if you are still with us, Torn; I usually read Emotional Needs forum, and stumble here rarely.

First of all, I do not think that there is anything wrong with your H’s fantasy. He has a desire to be cockholded, which is a common male fantasy. Please understand that he cannot control what turns him on. Yes, I understand that you, like most people, consider this a nauseating fantasy. But that’s just the way he is.

Second of all, the fact that he wants you to do it is simply wrong. Perhaps there exist couple who practice swinging and have a healthy marriage, but for the vast majority of mortal, it would be pretty impossible to bring another person into bed without destroying (or nearly destroying) their marriage. There is so little up side, and so much to lose, that there is no way that you should under any circumstances do agree to sleep with another guy. Even if you, him, and your husband would be enthusiastic about it (which you are not). Make it very clear to your H that no way, no how, will you do this in real life.

Third of all, what do you do about it? The two of you have a problem. He has a particular fantasy that cannot be carried out. He is frustrated that it is carried out, you are frustrated that he wants it. Assuming that you have an otherwise healthy marriage (is this a good assumption?), and assuming that you help each other out, the answer is actually not that difficult. There are several options that you should really consider:

(1) The next time you make love, start telling him about how you sometimes think what it would be like to be made love by a stranger. Tell him how the stranger and you would meet, what he would be wearing, where he’d take you, what the stranger would do to you, etc. Yes, it will be very difficult to draw a story for your H like this, but remember, this is a fantasy. And no, you will not be very good the first few times, because you will not feel comfortable talking like that, and because you do not really know what turns him on.

(2) Once you are comfortable talking about how “you sometimes think about how it would be like” it, change it to how you would like to do it. You can also tell him the story is simple past: “This afternoon I felt really horny, and there was this hunk I saw down the street, and …”

(3) Roleplay. It will be kind of difficult, if you are not too much into it.

(4) Go with him to a male strip club, and get a lap dance. I am sure that this would not be the first time that the performers would do this for a wife of a guy watch.

Good luck!


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am sorry but your husband sounds sick. I could never watch even my girlfriend much the less my wife sleep with another man. It would make my blood boil and I would be in a state of rage. This tells me one thing about your husband, he doesn't really care that much for you emotionally. If he did he would respect your feelings about this and go seek help because this is abnormal in my opinion. Perhaps he is grooming you so he can still be married to you and sleep with other women? That is the only thing that makes any type of sick sense to me.

If I were you I wouldn't compromise my beliefs. It really sounds to me like you both are comfortable with each other and don't want to lose that comfort but at the same time are incompatible in many ways.

I would tell your husband if he wants you to sleep with someone else then you won't be sleeping with him because the marriage is over if you do. You would completely compromise your morals and disrespect yourself. I would seek counselling and if he doesn't want to go then that tells me that he doesn't care. Sounds like he is completely selfish.

I am a man and I wouldn't ever disrespect anyone like he is you. It offends me even reading about this. It is his lack of faith that has blinded him into believing this is a good thing. That is how the great deceiver works, he uses people in believers lives to try to get them to do something that God says is improper. Don't ever do this, and if your husband keeps on this path I would separate myself from him for a while to let him think about where you are. I don't usually recommend separation but in this case it sound like the space may do some good. This is what I would do but you do what you think is best for you. Good Luck and God Bless.

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First of all, I do not think that there is anything wrong with your H’s fantasy. He has a desire to be cockholded, which is a common male fantasy. Please understand that he cannot control what turns him on.

Umm.. being a "common fantasy", in no way makes it right.

It is a "common fantasy" for men to visualize what it might be like to have sex with random women that they walk past. Doesnt make it right for them to go do it.

Having a "unique" turnon, like enjoying toes/elbows/whatver, is harmless. but getting turned on by the thought of you/your spouse having sex with other people, is bad news.
It can only need to marriage destroying places.

Think of it as similar to so-called "innocent flirting".
That's how half the affairs that happen, start up. you toy with things that are bad for your marriage.. you get a charge out of it.. and before long, you want more.. and more.. and more.. until you fully cross the line into an affair.

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First of all, I do not think that there is anything wrong with your H’s fantasy. He has a desire to be cockholded, which is a common male fantasy. Please understand that he cannot control what turns him on.

Umm.. being a "common fantasy", in no way makes it right.

It is a "common fantasy" for men to visualize what it might be like to have sex with random women that they walk past. Doesnt make it right for them to go do it. ....

Did you read my post? Did you read the next paragraph?

I very clearly stated that under no circumstances should she agree to go ahead and perform this fantasy. I agree that it would destroy their marriage.

The portion of my post which you have extracted meant to communicate to torninca, that her H is not sick for having those fantasies.

My position is, that there is nothing wrong with her H having those fantasies, but that there is something wrong with her husband wanting to carry out those fantasies. Some sexual fantasies should remain fantasies. Being cockhold is one of them.


Me: 50. W: 50. Happily married since 1993. 3 kids.

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