"WH is accusing ME of destroying HIS integrity."

Response: "No, you did that to yourself. I EXPOSED your lack of integrity to take your blinders off so that you could be the man you want everyone to THINK you are."

The WS needs to learn how to OWN HIS OWN ACTIONS.

For real recovery to happen...this must occur.

If not, false recovery will happen and the cycle will continue.

So... what if he NEVER reveals the email? She has NOT contacted him, but I am simply holding my breath.

My "dishonesty" he refers to is that I had originally said I didn't want to go to the CO... and that I did anyway. He feels that I betrayed HIM. Which I know is NOT true. He is humiliated. But it doesn't make it any better for me...

Yes, he's just mean. No violence, but he knows how to really try to hurt me.

Concerning my bluff with the PI, now what? Should I just be honest and say, no, there was no PI. I was lying? I want to be honest with him (NO I WILL NOT REVEAL THAT I HAVE KEYLOGGER....) but I am at a loss.

He simply won't tell me the truth.

How do I stop the false recovery and get him in TRUE recovery? How can I help him get there?

Don't even worry about that right now. You have bigger fish to fry today.


ok, that is not dishonesty, you simply changed your mind. And you didn't betray him, you BUSTED HIS AFFAIR. Let him know that protecting his affair is not something any sane wife should be expected to do. On the other hand, he "betrayed" his vows to you and the military. Busting him for doing that is not a "betrayal." That is silly.


HE11 NO!! Don't tell him anything. This can come out in the future when you are in recovery. DO NOT tell him anything now.


You are not in a false recovery or any kind of recovery yet. That will come after he withdraws, which will only happen when ALL CONTACT is ended with the OW.

You already have done the major footwork to acheive that. The only thing you can do now is WAIT and do not LOVEBUST while he goes through withdrawal. Don't expect anything good to happen for the several weeks it takes for him to get through withdrawal. Hang on for the ride!

His "dishonesty" you refer to is that he had originally made vows to forsake no others and HE did, anyway. He betrayed YOU!

He's attempting to turn the tables of guilt, here, to take the focus off of himself. Just give this time, and listen to the wise ones here, who are able to walk you thru this. You'll do ok. And you've done GREAT, so far! Hang in there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Slow down, Lady.

Time is on your side.

Things happened really fast since this time last week. Exposure works like that.

Now, slow down to a manageable chaos. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You are in control here. Total control. Sit back as much as you can and just watch, be diligent with your ears and eyes, but DO NOT rush ANYTHING!

You did your rushing piece with the exposure.

I completely agree with Mel on this. Let this dog lie for now.

WAT
-------------------
I eat crabs.

Thanks...

I'm just feeling the despair right now. WH still wants a D, but is still here, simply because of no other place to go and the orders NOT to see her. His CO calls daily to check on him and verify that he hasn't contacted OW.

I believe that he is simply biding his time until he can afford a D. Or OW is single....

I'm so VERY sad. WH doesn't want anything to do with me. And it is honestly killing me. I'm trying to Plan A, but as expected, WH doesn't want ANYTHING to do with anything I say or do or offer.

How long must I go on?

No, she hasn't emailed. I guess she is scared enough, or hasn't had opportunity yet.

I'm hurting so much right now. All I want to do is cry. Even though I KNOW I did the right thing. That what I did was the only thing left to me. But it hurts.... knowing that he may still go. And that I love him so much....

So far, you're both normal.


I doubt he's thinking this far ahead.

Guaranteed he's more confused right now than you are. You have a plan and he has, well, er......, he has orders! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Take advantage of your better mental state. You can see the landscape and he cannot see anything because he's still fogged up.

Please do see a doc about depression. Anti-meds worked very well for me and many others on this forum. You cannot do a good Plan A without them, IMHO, if you're depressed. Being depressed is very, very common among BSs. WSs too, for that matter.


Normal. Be patient.

You: Honey, want to go with me and the kids to the pool?

Him: NO!

You: (cheerfully) OK, maybe later this week! Bye!

Do not get down and grovel with him. Try as hard as you can to be positive, confident, and upbeat.

WAT

I'll raise the BS flag on that one. And I'm not talking about a betrayed spouse. If he REALLY wholeheartedly knew he wanted a divorce, he could find a place to stay. I'm sure the CO could find him a temporary space in BOQ or somewhere so he could still be monitored.

Maybe he's fooling himself or maybe he's telling you that because he feels it gives him an upper hand.

*sigh*

He's emailed her again. Should I just let him fry? I'm so sad that he is so willing to throw away his entire career for this OW. And throw away his family?

I want to cry.

contact the Co. hit "forward".

lying has consequences.

read the email.

your WS is a junkie. He is wanting his crack ho.

There goes another stripe...and about 10 more iq points for him.

I'm so incredibly sorry that he's still doing this.

You have your instructions as to what t/d right? Secure the copies in a safe site and wait.

Remember that clear mind and calm heart along with lots of patience I was tellin gyou about? Welp.....you need it now. All of it.

Hang tight.

Btw, don't hug him yet.....he still has bugs in him. That WS is still in his blood and if you hug him it might spill out. Like on that movie MIB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

The one you want to hug is your real H. He isn't home yet. Still a ways away. Before you can hug him u r gonna get real mad if that WS keeps hanging around your place making it impossible for your H to come home.

Don't harbor the Ws. He babbles, show him the door.

Have you identified your boundaries yet? I think not....so you gotz some work t/d.

L.

Ok. If I show "him the door", what proof do I present? He will NOT leave unless I show proof. He feels that he stays because he is "showing" that he is willing to work. But I know he's not.

U r letting him set the expectations. U may ask him to leave if you don't feel safe. If those reasons are valid enough for the law, the law can make him leave. That w/b a harsh step to take but your safety is important.

I phrase it that way because in my sitch, my then Ws gave himself the reason to leave. He called 911 to complain that I was being 'crazy' (while I was throwing his clothes out the front door after several false recoveries). That call lead to 4 police officers showing up within minutes. The officers witnessed what I then would describe as a minor altercation (Ws was trying to push me back into the house). I was not even bruised physically but me emotional state was shot. What the officers witnessed was enough for them to arrest him and file a 10 day RO against the then WS. See domestic violence cases are not treated lightly. So do not assume that your safety is NOT important. Do not assume you have to have a lot of proof before he needs to move out.

If the WS is carrying on the affair either physically, emotionally, financially, etc......and your family do not feel safe as a result, you may need to be resourceful and check into your rights. See a lawyer, call the police, talk to the local women's abuse groups in your area, talk with your MC and doctor. They will give you the tools you need to make a good decision.

Do NOT let the WS dictate how the family s/b treated. View the WS NOT as a valuable family member but one who has harmed the family. The one you want back is your real spouse not thie shell of a human who acts like a creature from outerspace. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

What did he say in the e-mail?

Did he give you the password for this account? Or does he not know you can monitor this account?

Assuming he doesn't know you can monitor this account:

Orchid's "show him the door" strategy will work to make a point, unless he refuses to leave.

You've ID'd the problem with this already: what's your basis?

If you want to do this, you can say, "I know you've been in touch with her." Or, "I know you've attempted to contact her." "I will not allow that to occur in my marriage."

You don't have to tell him you're monitoring his mail. For all he knows, someone is monitoring OW's mail and informed you. Let him worry about how you know, you just know.

Assuming he DOES know you can monitor this account:

Dork.

Bust him and ask him who the heck he thinks he's dealing with here? "Do I have STUPID tattooed on my forehead?"

What are your plans for telling the CO?

WAT

Go give the CO the emails and let the chips fall where they may. He needs to learn this lesson the hard way so give it to him. Trust me, if he doesn't get hammered it will never stop. My WW was/is the same way, she hid behind the AF mandated NC and was in contact almost every day. Upon retirement she even brought a cell to our home and remained in contact with OM until I found it, took it and contacted both 1st Sgts. I threatened to go to AF IG as the IG at Tinker AFB would be no help. Now I believe there is NC. Your call.

For anyone who saw that, my apologies. My DD2 attacked the keyboard while I was making coffee.

What did the email say?

agreed with Wat and MM -- what did it say?
I'd give it another day or two to see if she responds.
Let them BOTH fry.

He's going through withdrawal -- he's not receptive to you yet. Give it time. Try not to let your Taker come out. You will likely start to feel resentment for his moping.