WS,

Been there and done that. He will be furious with you, but when all contact is over, NC is in effect, he is out of withdrawl, he will tell you that you did the right thing.

I didn't go there and am very sorry I didn't. Both WW and OM needed to get their hind parts busted all the way down. I didn't do it because my WW was 4 mos from retirement, and guess what she was in contact even after she came home. The pain for me and my kids is still ongoing as she is just getting through withdrawl.

Go to the CO and get it over with. This is truly a war and you do not want to lose! He will threaten as any junky or crack addict would. After he is over his addiction he will be grateful. You did not do this, you did not bring this into your family, but you do have the tools and the will to rid your family and life of this terrible cancer.

Please take positive action now so you will not have the regrets I have later.

Good Luck! You are doing the right thing!

oh willsurvive -- please don't back down now.
You have been picture-perfect up until now. You say you are clinging to hope - but you're putting your hope on the wrong option. Put your hope on the CO, and your WH pulling his head out of his a$$.

Don't you see that the ONLY HOPE you truly have is to expose?????? He doesn not have the strength to come out of this on his own. You are wrong to hope for that.

Your hope is better placed on the termination of the affair, tough consequences for both and him realizing it was HIS OWN FAULT he is in that boat.

Put your hope for your marriage in the right place, and do the right thing!!!

ok... this what I will do.

First, allow WH to contact her instead of trying fruitlessly to prevent it. She IS still HERE.... so it's only a matter of time... and I can't keep trying to stop it.

Second: give ALL evidence to OW's H. She had NOT told him, despite what she told CO. A friend has told him.... I will now wait to hear back from OW's H, have left message..... will keep trying. Will also refer him to thus MB.

Last: after all the above is done, I WILL go to CO. I just need to give it one more day or two simply to see if WH is making plans. I haven't allowed for it right now.... I will sit back and wait. And WILL expose.

I'm glad you hear you are not letting fear drive you.

Give yourself a deadline. If you want to wait one more day, then set a time for tomorrow when you will contact CO.
(I can't believe he left it in the LIAR'S hands to expose herself to her husband...is that right???? How on earth did she explain her lack of promotion to him? How do you know he has been told??)

willsurvive - I can't say anything that hasn't already been said about understanding your anxiety, yet encouraging you to continue exposure.

I follow your logic for delaying telling the CO a bit. This doesn't mean I agree with it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> , but this is your marriage and your call and only you can decide when and how to do it. You are obviously smart enough to consider our non-emotionally involved perspective.

Military affairs are unique in that there are built in rules against them. What makes the rules effective are the consequences. Rules without consequences may as well not be in place.

Thinking of you. Be strong.

WAT

I am so sorry your H and the ow are pushing the envelope to the max. Her H does need to know and he needs to know the entire story, atleast that will put more pressure on the ow to stop contact. Don't assume her H has been told, he needs to hear it from you and he needs to know the details so she can't twist things.

Will, you are being so strong (and your fears are understandable).

I hope the cards will fall in your favor, I hope your H will wake up...but what everyone is saying is true. As long as there is contact (any contact) the affair is still alive. Too bad there is no such thing as a "reality" pill!!!!

My thoughts are with you. I wish I could have been as strong as you are being right now. I know I made some mistakes-ones I can go back and re-do...but so far things have been going well. It is scary to see how easy it is for "them" to have contact (no matter what the consequences are) and how strong that "drug" is.

Above anything know that YOU have done everything in your power to save your H and to save your marriage. YOU can look back, no matter how things turn out...and know YOU tried your best. YOU stood up and tried to stop this. YOU did!!!! You should be very proud of yourself.

WS,

Please show respect for the CO and let him know. He has supported you more than most COs in my experience. This is the only way to end the A and get your H back. I've been there and done that and if I had it to do over again I would have gone all the way with it. My WW and I are 10 mos from D-Day 1 and 4.5 mos from D-Day 2. DD2 was busting her with secret cell phone and finding out NC had never been established, even though WW & OM had the same orders as your H and OW. Think about it. It's your call.

I have been reading the thread and wanted to make sure you have put a keylogger on the computer before you expose the new emails he is hiding to the CO. That way you will still be able to see what he is doing and sending on the computer after he thinks he has changed his secret email.

I may have missed you already doing this, but if I didn't, do it before you tell the CO any more or the OWH. It needs to be in place before WH knows you know of this email account. In fact you may find out some more of what he is up to than you already do.

SP

To follow up on the rest...... about telling the OW's H, he should know that the OW is entertaining others at his expense. Make him wonder if there are 'others' in addition to the WS. That w/b her problem to prove to him that it is only 1 WS. HA HA!!! With that alone the OW could expose herself and help her H move forward.

As for telling the CO. Let him konw you have been trying not to take up too much of his time, so you have been gathering info until you think it is enough for him to review. It is critical you both understand this isn't about who is right but doing what is right.

You are on a good momentum. Don't stop to chat with a WS.

take care,
L.

Checking in... So far, there was NO contact. I have NOT gone to CO, although I have said that I am concerned that he or she will have made contact. So far, NO CONTACT has been established. There have been NO MORE emails, phone calls, NOTHING. :-) I'll take what I get.

I know you think I should go to CO, but I've decided NOT to right now... and I think the CO (based on conversations with him) doesn't want me to unless I absolutely HAVE to...). This is WH's LAST and FINAL chance. If there is ANY contact, then it's DONE. I'm in watch and wait mode. I don't want to give up too soon, but I'm NOT going to wait and watch him walk away. So for now, I'm just watching. I'll be giving him another week to see if he tries to contact her. I think that is MORE than fair. Any more than that... is just stupid on my part.

*sigh*

Ok, yes, I've been in contact with OW's H. Turns out he's a pretty cool guy. He had NO idea and was pretty devastated. I've given him EVERYTHING pertaining to the A. I've told him about this MB. Recommended SAA and HNHN. I've encouraged him and let him know that this was NOT his fault. That he is a GOOD person. I've also told him to install the key logger on their home computer (she is up there as of today until Tuesday) so he can track what she does.

He also has thanked me for telling him and for going to CO.

I personally believe that if there is ANY love left in either of our marriages, they CAN be saved.

I've also warned him against the temptation to hae his own A. That if he did, that would 1)bring him to HER level 2) he is ABOVE her now, and that he can try to bring her back to HIS level, or as close as he can 3) if things DO go badly and he decides to kick her to the curb, and he has his own A in revenge, then she will turn that back on him and say, "well, you did the same thing". Right now, he is the better person... and he needs to be strong and keep it that way. To be able to say he was doing everything possible, everything that he knew to do that was right. To be able to have the self respect and dignity no matter what happens.

HI WS,

I hope you told him NOT to reveal your keylogger or MB to his WW. Things get heated, he may blurt it out when he confronts her and you loose your advantages. Just a thought.

You are doing great... this is so hard. Please take care - Dru

YES, I told him NOT to reveal that. That it will be the ONLY way to make sure that they do not contact.... He's trying so hard. I'm pretty impressed with him right now, too. He's still reeling, even though it's still pretty new for him.... but I think he'll be ok.

I've also told him that it is OK if he needs antidepressants (which I was able to get today!!) and that she is NOT worth dying over or going to jail over. That if she doesn't want it to work.... then there is someone else out there that WILL love him. But there is still hope for them....

He's a really nice guy. Ironically: a lot like me. So, ... well. I just hate that my WH and the OW had to be so selfish and screw over two pretty great people.

I'm holding on. NC. I truly truly believe that for the FIRST time, NC HAS been established. And I slept well last night. Not great, but at least I slept.

Hang in there. You have to do what is right for you. No harm no foul here. You really are doing a great job. I salute you for doing the right things at the right times.

NC that you know of, right?

They could be in contact via phone or another e-mail route, right? They could have set up new e-mail accounts and are going to the local library for their fix.

I'm not trying to burst your bubble, just making sure you recognize the deviousness WSs are capable of.

Stay strong, you're doing very well. Glad to hear you got some anti-d's. They will take several weeks to kick in.

WAT

Post deleted by juniperstreet

Ok... here's the latest.

Yesterday, WH went for IC with his DO. He honestly acted different when he came home. A little less burdened...

I knew it was coming. I knew he'd say it, but it still devastated me when he told me, "I don't love you anymore". Not said in anger, but in sadness. He also said that he does NOT want a D, wants to stay, wants to try to love me again.

I'm hurt. I knew that that was what he felt, but it sure isn't any easier to hear. I believe that all the deelings he has for OW has taken up so much that he doesn't know if he loves me. I believe he does... I have to believe that. Because he still HERE.

He's said how sorry he is. How he wishes he could just make it go away. That it never happened. *sigh* Me too.

On Monday, he will speak to his sq about this himself. He's supposed to apologize to everyone and explain his actions. That is what has been told that he needs to do. I think it's a good move. He has to face the fact that he affected EVERYONE around him. That what he did... while he thought it would only affect me, ruined things for friends too.

He also said that it started in lust. That it was only supposed to have been for sex. That it started the day immediately after OW's H left. That they had just been waiting for him to leave.

*sigh*

And the weirdest thing? After all that yesterday, after him speaking with DO, and him telling me everything (and believe me, it was everything... he had nothing left to hide and he knew it)....
He looked better. Felt better. He looked at me and asked, "Why are we ok after all that? I hurt you so much. Why do I feel better after telling you?"

"Because there are no secrets anymore."

No, there are no more emails. He doesn't call from another place... he's been with ME. Not from home, because I guard the one phone like a hawk. Not on the cell.... I check those too. I'm not stopping my watch. But I believe that they have not contacted.

It's a start. Fragile, but we're going with it.

Today: another day of golf. Time... together.

And I haven't given up hope. He's going to MC with me on Monday. And getting IC from a Christian friend (also a minister). Moving forward. But I'm still going to watch ever so carefully.

Good start. Don't feel like you have t/b a hawk. It is his job to make you feel safe. So either he w/b a very good liar (which should make you want to kick him out) or he w/b a good H and truly make you feel safe. Either way, he has t/d the work. Put your taker on and don't fix things for him.

As for him NOT loving you, well....that's the WS trying to hang on for dear life. This is now killing the Ws and your H is learning to peek out and breathe again. Another sign of things getting better. Tell him you like it when your H is in control vs that WS creature. Yea Tell HIM, just like that. I did that to mine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

"On Monday, he will speak to his sq about this himself. He's supposed to apologize to everyone and explain his actions. That is what has been told that he needs to do. I think it's a good move. He has to face the fact that he affected EVERYONE around him. That what he did... while he thought it would only affect me, ruined things for friends too."

Wow! I think his CO is brilliant.

This may be an honest expression of what he currently feels.

I remember saying on several occasions - "I'm OK to drive - I can have another beer." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

He's still intoxicated. Maybe sobering up, but still under the influence.

PTC

Patience, time, consistency.

WAT

Ok. I'm concerned he's trying to set up another email. I haven't gotten the PW yet, but I know (thank you keylogger!) that he's attempting it. I don't think they have spoken on the phone yet, simply because there hasn't been opportunity... and there hasn't been emails. This NEW email, isn't confirmed. But I'm going to watch and wait.

He's getting a LOR today from the CO. He is also going to speak to the entire sq about what happened.

This weekend, WH makes great strides in repairing M. Yes, I know he's still in the fog, but there were times he tried.

Went to church on Sunday. I ended up getting stuck outside during service and WH was left in there. BAD LB. *sigh* I hope that he won't hold it against me.... but GRRRRR. Not exactly what I intended.

This morning, WH was grouchy because of the LOR meeting and maybe because of withdrawals.


Day to day.

Someone tell me that we'll be ok. That we'll make it. All I want to do is hold onto him and never let go. But I'm still worried he'll walk. And for the life of me I can't understand WHY. He LOVES his kids. But he's willing to leave us (and me...) for someone so young and immature. I just don't get it.