My H's boss called the house this morning. I guess H called in sick today and boss had a question for him. He was very surprised to hear that H wasn't home. (I generally handle H's calls with "he's not here right now, can I take a message"). <P>I just snapped. I told him the truth. Told him about H and OW having an affair (OW also works for this boss), that H left me while I was pregnant, and that he doesn't live here anymore. And I gave him H's number. He was completely shocked. <P>Why did I do this? I just committed marriage suicide. I sure wish H wouldn't put me in the position of having to take his calls so I wouldn't have the opportunity to do this. I know this was completely out of line, no matter how much I feel like H should start living in the real world. It's HIS job, and HIS boss, and it was wrong of me to do this. <P>God, I feel awful.

Don't beat yourself up over this. Its' actually his fault for not preparing for this contingency. He is so good at deception but he couldn't do a simple thing like covering his @$$ to call in sick. He guessed wrong when he thought that people would keep covering for him. If he calls you on it, just tell him that you were hurt and confused. Other than that no apology is needed. We're only people here not saints.<BR>There are some good Bible quotes on this but don't bother. Just close it an smack him with it.

Annie<BR>Whoa!!! You are human and this is his secret not your's. He should not expect you to guard it for him. If he wants to live like this he will have to face up to the world sooner or later. <BR>It's kind of like being pregnant. You can't hide it forever can you?<BR>Keep your chin up. Remember that sometimes having things in the open can help. My H's affair was presented to the world in the end of Jan. That was the beginning of his journey back to the real world.<BR>Don't feel bad. If he wants to hide what he's doing he can't be very proud of it.<BR>He may blow up about it but just be calm. Let him know that you aren't responsible for keeping his secrets. <BR>You haven't done anything but tell the truth.

Annie, for heaven's sake! Look how long he has been out of the house. You aren't his protector. He chose to leave you months--and, what? Planned to keep it a secret? You didn't do anything wrong. If your marriage ends because of this, it is not your WORDS that did it, it is your H's tawdry actions and behaviors.<P>IMHO, you weren't the least bit out of line.<BR>

And I think covering is a form of enabling the "disease".....<P>You did okay, and you could explain that you didn't know how to handle the situation, you were definitely unprepared, and felt you owed an explanation to the boss - confused and hurt, just like Fighter said.<P>Don't over justify what you did. It is time he stand on his own two feet regarding his choices. <P>Try not to be an enabeler, okay?

Annie, I agree. "Hurt & confused" is 'nuff said. This IS his secret, not yours - your patience with it has been nothing short of legendary. Welcome to the Real World, H ...I know you're afraid that you just committed marital suicide here, but on the other hand, you may also just have popped that bubble he's been living in all these months. Don't beat yourself up. Maybe it's time that the chips just fall where they may for him. Good luck, & keep us posted. We'll be rooting for you!

I agree with WS. You should not have to be the keeper of the secret. Especially if he is seeking a divorce, you should not have to shield him from the natural consequences of his own actions.<P>Certainly he will not like it...and if you are looking at it solely in Harley's methods, it may not have been the best idea to tell his boss, because this crosses into his professional life, not just his personal...where I believe things are a little greyer.<P>However, since you did do it, I think you should try to use it to your advantage.<P>Be prepared for your H's anger. Try not to yell back or cry, but to calmly state that you will no longer fudge the truth for him. You were caught unprepared and you thought it was important for his boss to reach him. Since he needed your H's number, you just explained why H as living away from home.<P>Actually, your boss may not say anything to H other than your wife gave me your number. If that is the case, I would wait to see if your H asked what you said. Of course you need to be honest, but maybe this is really a non issue.<P>I think you are more ready than you know to do a 180.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Annie,<P>I believe what you did was absolutely okay. Marriage suicide? Don't believe there is much more that could have been done to the marriage. Perhaps this little bit of reality will jar him a bit. Why hasn't he given the boss his new phone number?<P><P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Annie<P>You didn't do anything wrong. You were NOT out of line! He can't expect you to continue to cover up for him - he has no right to! I can't tell you the number of people who have called for my stbx and are shocked to find out that he moved out the first of the year! The latest was a call from a friend visiting from Michigan just last week. They knew about his affairs (I was right - everyone at the fire station DID know all along!!!), but couldn't believe he actually moved out - or that I actually had the backbone to file.<P>Don't you worry about his reaction to it. How HE handles HIS boss is HIS problem! Let HIM suffer the consequences for HIS choices.<P>------------------<BR>Bobbie<P>

Well, the weirdness lately wasn't all in my mind. <P>My H called me at work. His boss simply sent him an email saying that I had given him the new number. So he called me to find out what I had told him. I was completely honest about it. I cried and apologized. He is angry, but says he understands why I did it and that I'm only human.<P>Then he said "I haven't given you any reason to think things have changed, so how could you know?" I said "Have things changed?" and he said "Well, I've been feeling differently and thinking a lot of things lately, but I wasn't ready to share it yet."<P>Boy does my timing suck. <P>I appreciate all your support. But I do feel it was wrong of me to tell his boss about the affair. <P>So I composed this email to his boss: <BR> I'm very sorry for the way I handled our phone conversation this morning. As you can imagine, I have been very hurt and confused and I'm not always thinking clearly. Although it was certainly reasonable to let you know how to get in touch with D---, I didn't have to share personal details of what has been going on in our lives. <P>D--- has been seeing a therapist and is struggling to make sense this situation. I certainly have no desire to hurt him professionally or otherwise. I know that the opinion of his coworkers is very important to him. I would like to ask you to please not share the details of our conversation with anyone else at Cablelabs. I have already told D--- about our conversation. <P>I believe that D--- has been very fortunate to have your guidance and support through the years at Cablelabs, and I've enjoyed knowing you. I'm very sorry if I put you in an uncomfortable position. <P>Sincerely,<BR>Annie<P>I don't know if it will do any good. It's a small place and it may be too much to expect him to keep this under wraps. But it makes me feel better to apologize.

Sounds as if D--- is trying a possible guilt trip. The "I was feeling differently but now that you did this..." Maybe not, if not I'm sorry for mentioning it, but keep your eyes open. I don't think I wuld have handled the situation any different other than the "appology email".

Annie<BR>You are a GEM!!!<BR>You have so much class and you are handling everything so much better than you realize!!!<BR>Who knows - Your timing may be perfect

I would leave out "D--- has been seeing a therapist and is struggling to make sense this situation."<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Yes, that is classy. Did you send a copy to H? If your H was changing his mind, this may have still helped rather than hurt.<P>If your H was trying to keep this a secret at work, he must think his affair at least looks really bad. Having it exposed will make it seem even dirtier.<P>You were immediately sorry and even your H acknowledged it was a mistake, not a thought out or mean spirit action.<P>Now is your chance to define your H's choices through your actions. <P>If you continue plan A...limit any lovebusters. At the same time, set appropriate bounderies that respectfully limit your H's input and control over areas that would not be his if your were to divorce.<P>Be strong and look like you are moving forward with your life, but you are open to restoring the marriage if he can commit to that.<P>Then rearrange the furniture, live your life, do anything that you'd like...all while you are in Plan A with nothing disrespectful or emotionally negative.<P>In other words, quit waiting, quit trying to convince him to choose the marriage, but let him know he is welcome to choose the marriage and when he does, you will be ready to work on it. Then go about your business.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Animac<P>As far as you telling your H boss about the situation. You simply told the truth. <P>The concern over your H being upset with you. You simply told the truth, and if the truth hurts, thats your H problem to deal with.<P>It was good to set it straight with the H and Boss, that it was not your intention to cause H problems at work by telling the truth.<P>I would be very surprised if your H co-workers did not already suspect or know the truth about H and co-worker affair. Affairs with co-workers hardly ever go unoticed and become the talk of everyone.<P>Deffinetly don't feel guilty for what you have done. I think it will help you greatly in the long run. Time will tell.<P>

Thanks for the insights, guys. <P>Paul-That is a very good point. Thanks for keeping my head on straight.<P>WS-Thanks!<P>Chris-already sent, but you're right. I figured if the boss knew H was taking steps to deal with the situation he wouldn't feel like he needed to do something about it.<P>FHL- Your advice is so good! Now if I can only do it! I've been doing so well lately that this is a real setback. The trick is -- since he's hinting that he's been reconsidering, I have to make sure I don't go back into my "I need to grasp at straws and fix everything" mode. <P>For some reason, I have this strong urge to run home and sign the papers. Why? I'm just afraid of getting back on the rollercoaster, I guess. Or maybe I just feel so much like I blew it that I'd rather call it quits than deal with the repercussions of it (I sound like a betrayer, don't I?)

Drop the entire issue and continue what you have been doing of late. It's working!<P>Whether or not it was a mistake is irrelevant since it's already been done. I could argue either side. It doesn't matter.

Animac, ya gotta do what ya gotta do when ya gotta do it.<P>The night I gave my H the letter about PSBFH, he got a call that his father was in the hospital. <P>Bad timing too.<P>Sometimes these things can't be helped. <P>I know that here we talk PLAN A, PLAN A, PLAN A, but we're only human...and sometimes we make mistakes (if this was one, which I doubt).<P>Sometimes I think Plan A is just enabling.<P>Somebody tell me I'm wrong, and why. People here don't seem to be having very much success with the Harley methods lately.

Jumping in here kind of late Animac, but I think you did the right thing. Volunteering information out of context is not a good idea, sounds like rumor mongering. But to answer reasonable questions and provide pertinent information in a truthful manner is always a good idea. You can't go far wrong with the truth.

Things just keep getting weirder! Started a new thread "Conditions for coming home..."