WH and my anniversary is coming up. He's living with OW.

I want to write him a letter, similar to the letter "hurtinginokla" wrote for her 25th anniversary.

I have filed D, but I feel I need to write a letter like that. I guess I want him to know how I feel, and would never have filed had he not had the A. I've told him this, but maybe him reading it, would make it sink in.

Do you think I should bother? He's in a huge fog, so maybe I shouldn't even do it. Will WH just think I'm a fool?

thats a hard on i was debating doing that with my wife on july9 but orchid on these boards told me annaversary is a celebration and what am i celebrating.
i sent a happy annaversary anyway no gift no heavy talk and i didnt get a response so its up to u.
but im a mess so wait for a mb pro to chime in

Your wedding anniversary is coming up and he is living with the OW? Hm... some have gone out with friends who have helped the BS celebrate for other reasons on that day. Kept busy with friends, family, etc.

Not sure why you want to celebrate an anniversary with a WS but I know it is hard to not want your real spouse for that special day.

I would go have some fun and find a way for the WS to find out yuo had some fun. Remember the WS' don't like it when the BS has fun.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid,

I do plan on going somewhere, probably taking the kids out. Won't be easy to not think of him though.

I was just asking if I should send him a letter like
"hurtinginokla" wrote regarding her 25th anniversary. Don't know if you read it, but her sentiments were what I am feeling now.

Doubt if he would care if I wrote him anything anyway though. He's so wrapped up in OW it's not even funny.

jm75... would you please get over here and clean the coffee off my computer screen...all caused by the typo in the first 4 words of your post. There's a nice piece of terrycloth in the drawer on the left and some windex under the kitchen sink...

LMAO
SD

Too funny...just noticed that.

I needed a smile...

sorry just noticed that ?????
if it made you laugh im happy
if your coffe spilled i owe ya another lol

catgirl,

I think that a much more poignant way to celebrate your anniversary is....silence.

I think that there is some truth to the old saying "How can I miss you if you won't go away"

Do you REALLY think that you can say something so profound, so heart wrenching, so loving ,that he will drop everything and come running back?

If you really think that he will not be thinking of you on that day, that man has no place in your future.

Cym,
I think you may be right. I know he knew how I felt before I filed for D. I wanted to work on M. This was before I knew about A. I did tell him that he gave me no choice but to file, with him having the A and all. His answer was "whatever".

I guess I thought that his pride was holding him back from perhaps coming back home, and if I told him I still cared or whatever, maybe it would strike a nerve, but I doubt it.

Like you said I would hope he would be thinking of me that day. 22 years is a long time.

Knowing how wrapped up he is with OW though, he'll probably take her out to dinner and celebrate our anniversary with her!

i dont think i agree with the "no choice but to file divorce" statement. I think this whole forum is about just the opposite. that there is a whole range of choices instead of filing for divorce.

There's "Plan B", and THEN there's "Plan D". one is supposed to come before the other, ideally.

oopsie. reading other threads, I see you did that.
congrats on trying that route.
still not sure I agree you were "forced" into D, though.

Techie,

You are right. My WH did not force me to do anything. I filed on my own free will.

I did both plans and felt at the time D was the answer. When I found out about the PA I was destroyed. Maybe hastily I filed, I don't know. At the time I felt like there was no way I could ever trust him again, after all the lies he told me for months.

As I said before, some days I'm glad I went that route, other days I regret I filed.

WH still says they are "just friends", even though they are living together and having sex. Talk about a fog!

Maybe someday he'll snap out of it, but it will be too late. I was hoping it would have happened by now, but he has had SO many chances to return home and he hasn't, so I assume he's happy with OW and I guess I have to somehow move on.

D won't be final for a few more months, so I still post here.

Guess there's always hope until the last minute.

and, it also depends on what the "last" minute is <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

the "last minute" is where you define it to be. getting a divorce does not neccessarily put it there. it's up to you(and to some degree your WS as well)


I have no personal experience in where you are headed. (yet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> )

But, if for some reason you love him still... there still may be a chance left. I'm not saying that you hold your breath and hope for something unexpected to happen. But what I am suggesting, is that you dont close the door on possibilities. There are stories where reconciliations have happened, even AFTER divorce.

In my own personal inexperienced opinion... you could choose to make the divorce, an enforced "plan B". If your original plan B letter was well in advance of the divorce, maybe you might consider a "revised plan B" note. Telling him that you are doing the divorce only for your own financial protection. But if in the future he wishes to reconsider how things are between you, then you may remain open to discussing it.. for a time.

It all depends on HIS mindset. If he is at all unsure of how things are with his OP, then this allows for some small amount of possibility.

However, if he has truely committed to his current course of action, and he's basically just waiting around to marry her.. there's nothing you can do either way. in some reguard, getting the divorce quickly, will make him deal with THAT issue all the more quickly, I suppose.

I hate to say it, but there is an instance of this sort of thing in my own family.. where someone basically waited until an opportune time to get a divorce from their wife, to then remarry someone else.. and that one went quite well. They laid out a plan, they chose their "target" well, and they stuck to the plan.
The difference in this example to most cases, was that this was a non-rushed, carefully and clearly thought out plan. Whereas in most cases, "affairs" are driven entirely by the rush of emotional feelings, I hear.

it all depends on which category your WS is in.

Hmm. read some more of your other thread.


Umm.. that could mean a lot of things.
to my mind, as a man, it's hard to equate putting someone's name on a LEASE, as having a "future".

Now, joint names on an actual purchased residence, that's another thing.

'course, he couldnt DO that up until now, becuase you two are still MARRIED. you'd get half, or something.

but.. the whole lease thing and the "future together" thing, are actually separate issues. he could have put her name on the lease because he was easier for her to get keys for the thing. or heck, to get her to pay half the rent.

he's definately a schmuck. but if you want the schmuch back <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> then withdraw the filing, like other people have already suggested very eloquently.
if there's any other way to get money for you, that is.
I didnt see any response about suggestions for "legal separation". if possible, that might give you money, without yet giving him the "freedom", to marry the bimbo.
and still preserves some small shred of "our marriage is not yet disolved".

Techie,

Thanks for your advice.

I have been kind of doing an enforced plan b as you call it. I guess I should have just filed for LS, not D, in order to get financial help. That was part of the reason why I filed. As I said earlier, I guess I was too hasty. I really didn't even consider LS at the time.

I asked WH the other day what his future was with OW. He said there was no future, they hadn't talked about it. Of course I don't believe him. He's not one to use people, have her live with him and then dump her. Or maybe he is. I don't know him anymore. She is still M, but has filed.

I'm not sure how WH would take a revised plan B letter. He and OW would probably laugh. I think the mindset he is in now, he would look at it as it's too late. I made my bed, now I must lie in it. He is not one to back down when something gets rolling, like a D for instance. Too much $$ and time has been invested, he'll go through with it.

He knows the kids hate OW etc. but I guess it doesn't matter to him.

I am confused right now. So many people are telling me if I ever took him back I would be the biggest fool on earth. Sometimes I belive they are right. Other times I'd like to give it one more chance.

I don't talk to him much, usually only regarding the kids. I've found I can't believe anything he says anyway.

People tell me OW will get tired of him. She wanted a well off guy. Once he starts paying CS etc. she'll see he's not so rich after all. Maybe she'll dump him. Doubt it though. She's very immature and needs a father figure.

Yeah I don't know why he put her on the lease. I'm not sure when this occured. I now she's been living there for a few months already. Not sure if he did it recently or not. Could be as you say to make sure she pays half the rent. According to him though she is not paying anything. Yeah right! I'm sure he's just saying that so it looks better for him in court, that he has to pay all this, can't give me any more $$, look all he has to pay for at his home.

I try and take things one day at a time and do alot of praying. Hopefully I will get rewarded for being the faithful one...

i'll say a prayer for you too. that you are led to do whatever is best in His eyes.

PS: I'd say send the letter. but what do I know? I'm not a WS or an MC <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Techie...I need all the prayers and guidance I can get!!!It means alot.

<quote: I try and take things one day at a time and do alot of praying. Hopefully I will get rewarded for being the faithful one... >

You got rewarded already. You can get up in the morning an look at yourself in the mirror without shame.

Whether or not he puts her on the lease doesn't make that much of a difference, it could just be the machinations and manipulations to make everything look like a done deal. But if he is willing to break his marriage vows, a little signature on a lease isn't going to weld that affair into a sound relationship, is it?

Not much use in dwelling on this kind of thing. Just think of the things you CAN do.

Thanks again.

I know I am letting him control me. I have to worry about what I have control over and what I don't. Easier said than done.

I've always been one to make things right, right away, and this situation with WH and OW is just too much. I wish he would just tell me, yes, I am going to marry her or no it's just a MLC or whatever.

I hate the unknown.

people dont pray for what you need and expect a miricale
pray for what you got and ask to be guided in the direction to save your marriage god wont do it
god gave us free will so dont wait for him to fix it wait for him to give you the light to fix it yourself

The question of whether you should write a letter to your WH on your anniversary should be guided by whether it will help you or not.

It isn't going to enlighten him in any sense or do much to change his behavior -- you said yourself he is deep in a fog. But if it makes you feel better for having expressed yourself in writing then by all means do it. It can't hurt anything.

From what you've said about the lease and such, I don't think you can really draw any firm conclusions. Harley says these folks (WSs) don't give much consideration to the future. They generate lots of fantasies, but nothing that normal people would consider practical or sensible.

Basically I think you should go back to the notion of concentrating on yourself. Forget about what he's doing and focus on your own life with your children.

Don't sell yourself short. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Let go of the relationship, get the child and spousal support, and go your own way. Maybe he'll figure out that he would be better off with you, but don't count on it. If he wants to come back somewhere down the road and you are willing to take him back, then fine. If not, at least you won't be putting your life on hold by waiting for him to get his act together.