I've been feeling rather depressed recently, despite all of the "good work" I'm attempting to do to heal myself and my M. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I've been on ADs for almost a year, but for about a month now I've been sleeping less and it's taking more and more energy to do things, even things that I normally love.

It just feels like I have this big hole inside of me. A part of me thinks this is a good thing, because I am trying not to self-medicate and I think my past behavior happened because I was trying to numb this feeling. I need to work through this feeling in a healthy and constructive way in order to heal. I guess it will probably just take some time, and I just need to keep plugging away, I suppose.

This is what I've been doing currently:

IC once a week
going on dates with H
journaling
exercising
eating well
doing self-help/adult child exercises
painting
posting here
playing my ukelele

I am currently on summer break from my job, so maybe I am just bored or lonely. Most of my friends are working during the day. I just feel so empty, lonely and awful. It takes a lot of energy to do anything on the list above.

I keep reading in my books that doing affirmations is an important part of recovery. I keep trying to do them, but I have to admit I absolutely hate them. It's hard for me to look in the mirror and say to myself, "I'm good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me." I just feel like throwing up everytime I do it, and I don't stand there for very long.

Has this happened to other people? Is this a part of the process, where it's hard at first but then it gets easier? Are they really suppose to be helpful?

Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate it.

Katie Mae

tell me about this !!!

I've been wanting to take lessons.

Pep

It's so much fun!

You feel so cute when you play the ukelele!

Marilyn Monroe played one, and so do all the cutie hula dancers.

I just started playing within the last year. Ukes are inexpensive and I bought a book and DVD to learn on my own (not many instructors here in New England, lol.)

It's fairly straightforward and much easier than other instruments I've tried to learn.

Within the first month of playing, I actually wrote my own song. I was so proud of myself!

H plays guitar, and it's quite different than the guitar. It's funny though, when I first started H said to me:

"You need to be more soulful in your playing."

It was my forth day!

I said "honey, were you soulful on your guitar you're first week of picking it up?" lol.

We laugh about it now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I highly recommend giving it a try... it's a very happy instrument!

Hi ((((((((((((((Katie Mae))))))))))))))))))

And talk about what you're painting. I'm working on a three piece canvas for my living room of bizarre fish....I have a fish collection. I have hand pained fish from the Yanomami Indians, carved fish from Indonesia, flying fish from Trinidad, piranhas from Brazil....all kinds of strange sea creatures. So I decided to paint some of the imaginary fish in my head.

Katie,

Talk to your doctor about the A/D's you are on.

You have such a full life and sound like you are doing everything right, so possibly your A/D's are off.

I've never been able to do affirmations either, but I found that once I found a purpose, or started trying to live in purpose my feelings of lonliness went away.

Wayne Dyer has some incredible books out. At least I think they are incredible, but you say you are reading your books, so check into the A/D's first.

Whose voice tells you to throw up?

Thank you, Star.

Right now I'm working on a painting of my parents' house (the house I grew up in) for my dad's 72nd birthday. I just started painting again (it's been YEARS) so he will be really surprised when he sees it!

That's so cool about your fish collection! I've always wanted a sea horse but they are so hard to take care of. Where do you get most of your fish? I'm partial to the chalkware fish from the 1950's, lol.

Your project sounds big! Do you have a studio?

I dunno, Pep...

When I lose confidence, my voice gets breathier and higher... I sound more like a little girl.

I am a speech and language pathologist, and the first person who pointed that out to me was a SLP who was an expert in voice. At the time, I did NOT appreciate her comments.

Now I recognize it as a defense mechanism and a sign that I am struggling. This is the voice that comes out when I'm doing my affirmations.

Since I sound like a child, the voice I'm responding to could be my mom.

Not sure though... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

fascinating

annoying is more like it! lol.

Do you have to say them into a mirror? Can't you say them during your alpha state before waking?

I heard this was a state your mind was very receptive to positive affirmations for addicts trying to quit, or for athletes practicing their moves in their head.

Thanks, Weaver... I like that idea.

I somehow missed your previous post... I will also check on my ADs as well. My IC said the same thing yesterday.

Yes, you're suppose to look yourself in the eyes and say the words out loud. The theory is that it's difficult to not believe what you are saying when you are looking at yourself.

I prefer what you are suggesting though... at least for now.

Thank you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My H's job has meant REALLY frequent moving (19 times in 23 years....oil and gas). So everywhere I lived....or traveled, I collected fish....some of them are really pretty bizarre. And my friends....give me fish from their travels too!! hehehhe. It's funny you mentioned the ones from the 50's.....my son gave me some last christmas that he bought on ebay. So they come from all over the world. Orginally, I began with a collection from my mother's house when she died....copper fish molds, carved fish sculptures....platters with painted fish. I have a couple of really beautiful pieces from her house that are really special....a beautiful large round clear platter that has raised fish and a ceramic soup turrine that looks like the colorful catch of the day.....there's no way to describe them and do justice. Of course I have starfishies too aplenty!! hehehehe.



This particular project is kinda huge.....but then so is the empty wall LOL. I have a sunroom off of the master that doubles as a studio for large stuff....but the smaller stuff gets done in the kitchen mostly <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />. Then there is stuff that's going directly on the walls....kinda scary <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />.

I don't... my project is actually quite small, and I use a little table easel. It's very cute.

That's so cool about all your fish stuff. I grew up in the Adirondacks in New York, so a lot of the old fish stuff from that area reminds me of home. I have a couple of fish shot glasses from the 1940's with trout and bass on them.

Do you ever actually unpack and display all your fish, or do you just wait until the next move? lol...