bumpity bump bump! Was getting lost

HNT,

Would you consider stress the trigger you experienced during the Friday flip out? (No bash in the flip out, and no, I'm not being flip...just giving into alliteration, like I usually do)

Stress...from fear? Fear of failure? Inadequacy? Screw something up? Whether it really was stated or not, if you heard something which triggered fear inside of you, could that be your usual suspect? Even if what you hear is in your head, meaning WBF didn't saying anything; it came from what you thought?

"We came back to my mom's and she asked "Why are you so aggravated?" and I replied, "I don't know but it's aggravating me." ROFL!! That smacked of me...I'm so annoyed that I'm annoyed I'm annoyed...and so on...which cracks me up...relieves the stress, lessens the fear, because I can see the funny in it...doesn't make it any less valid, however, it does make it easier to swallow.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This is a great living skill, HNT...being honest about what you're thinking, straight out, and being able to identify the aggravation behind the aggravation...and smile. It is what it is. Valid. Unknown right now, but valid.

"It cames on like a switch, but just sort of faded away. I couldn't get rid of it no matter how hard I tried to fight it. Any thoughts?"

Seems reasonable if it felt as if it came on like a switch, you'd look and expect to find the off-switch setting. I question if it wasn't brewing invisibly before the stress point, the trigger, which can often feel as if it's either on or off...becoming aware of the switch point and working backwards would help you know how sudden it was or if there were thoughts brewing on your back burner, feeding your emotions at low levels, and the trigger was just throwing gasoline on them, not turning them off or on, would it?

Ahhhh..."See, I have unrealistic expectations of myself, not just others."

My favorite culprit in myself! Would you consider you kicked yourself all week, in tiny bits, to kickstart your motivation? Funny thing about negative reinforcement, using it as motivation (threat of punishment for yourself to get you moving), it backfires. We rebel against punishment as adults...even what we dish out to ourselves. Acceptance is the best motivation, I believe...and truth. Did you really have the true desire to do all this, or was it based on WBF's kudos if you did? Your true desires need no false motivations...we only do what we have a payoff (or perceive one) in doing.

Okay, onto OM...when I said pre-existing stuff...how about, if OM meets your EN of conversation and attention, then WBF likes that and doesn't try to meet it...doesn't say, "Hey, I'm feeling resenteful, distant and angry with you. I feel controlled and engulfed." He didn't come to you with what he was feeling and thinking pre-A...would you consider if you are being O&H with OM, that you might not choose to be O&H with WBF because the need has been filled?

Just curious.

And to clarify...you no longer see your relationship as a marriage...is that what you're working on taking this relationship into or out of? What's your goal here, now, so I can know it and think from it?

LA

Yes, looking back on it I'm sure it was stress. And feeling like a faliure. I was already disappointed with myself for not doing anything. I didn't want it brought to WBF's attention that I hadn't been doing anything also. I always have the best of intentions. I'm just not always good on following through with them. One of WBF's top ENs is domestic support. I am horrible at this. I am not very wifely at all. Don't cook, don't clean.

I need to figure out how to handle my stress. All I do is flip out. Yesterday was very stressful and I think poor WBF got the brunt of it again. I can tell because he becomes very quiet and introverted, like avoiding me. I apologized and explained that it wasn't about him. I don't think I was directing it toward him, but it was obvious that it bothered him anyway. I kind of tried to start like mocking myself. Like trying to exaggerate my frustrations in a funny way to try and make fun of it. I don't think he found it amusing though.



Yeah, we all thought that was funny too.




When I was considering an A, this was very much the case. I had been O&H with WBF but it seemed that he longer wanted to listen to how I was feeling. I felt like I was becoming a burden to him. So I wanted to take it elsewhere. Neither of us had very much O&H or good communication pre-A. Since WBF's A (or I guess since both A's) I have been completely O&H with both OM and WBF. More so with WBF because I felt like most things were none of OM's business.

What should I do? Should I ask WBF how he felt about my friendship with OM pre-A?



I am very much wanting to have a REAL marriage with WBF. I am basically waiting on him. I wanted to somehow let him know that is what I wanted but am afraid of rejection as I know that he is not there yet. So, last night, we were just laying in bed, watching T.V. being kind of playful and I said, "Will you marry me? Um, I mean will you make some brownies?". He told me no about the brownies and completely ignored the real hint.

I know, probably not the best way to feel him out but that was all I could muster up the courage for.

So you know your trigger...stress...from stuff inside of you.

Your choice to do domestic stuff or not. We neither have a talent for, only a will, to cook and clean, believe me. Those who thrive at it find they meet their own ENs in it...

That caring for the place YOU live in, cares for you.

I'm more of the simple, middle kind...recognizing my own EN gets a bit of a deposit, but also, I like how I feel when I shine my sink...for how it looks...feel in control of my own stuff, and still, I don't do anything if I will resent.

I used to do everything for someone else's praise...getting it from the outside...now I make my intent to do for myself (we all benefit) and I do much better.

I do it to reinforce to me I control my own life through choices. I choose to do dishes, clean our room, pick up the den...trashes...and I have a habit now (took awhile to create it) that when I empty the trash, I make sure to notice the emptiness (which feels like relief to me) in the freshly emptied trash cans, and thank myself. Smile...and sometimes, laugh at myself.

And do it anyway.

I look forward to this as reward, the after feelings, now.

And I stopped bashing myself inside for all my expectations...and began to change those expectations, instead of trying to negatively punish myself into doing stuff. Humans use fear as motivation...when love is stronger. We do what we know, and then when we know better, we do better.

When I'm not thrilled with DH, I will choose to do a lot of stuff for the marriage...because the marriage doesn't let me down, can't ignore me, and I have half the investment in it...soon, I'm thrilled with DH, only through the actions I take for the marriage...and my emotions change because I teach myself this is my choice, my fulfillment. An upward spiral, you might say.

Courage is you feeling fear, knowing it, looking in its eye, and acting anyway.

Up to you, HNT, to meet your own goal, every day...and say, "Have I acted on my goal to have a thriving relationship?" Your choice, power and will...right there. No bashing. If the answer is no...check your goal. Authenticate...see if you're living from your emotions or from your beliefs.

LA

I have my own issues with the cleaning. I need to learn how to settle for less than perfect. Never did the cooking, been trying though. I made WBF a casserole he mentioned about a week ago. He said it was good. To bad I was a half an hour late for his lunch break because it wasn't done yet. Oh well, I tried.

What do you mean by "I will choose to do a lot of stuff for the marriage"? It sounds like a fun thing to do, just not sure what kind of stuff?

Also, "Have I acted on my goal to have a thriving relationship?" How do I do this everyday? WBF plays it like a waiting game. Waiting for himself to fall back in love with me. Waiting for him to want to marry me. Like it just all going to come to him. Or not. I'm okay that he's not where I am in the relationship right now. I'm trying to be patient. Finding happiness in what I have not looking for it in what I want.

Everyday, I hear a song (sometimes more than one) that says exactly how I feel about WBF at that moment. So, I thought it would be fun to actively seek out a "Song of the Day" for us everday. I'm posting it here because as each song describes my feelings at that time, I will see how things are progressing along with my posts.

September 18, 2006 Song of the Day

ALANIS MORISSETTE

"Head Over Feet"

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Hang,

Here is one getting much play in my area.
Mind you I am not a Dixie chicks fan. Called not ready to make nice.

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as ******
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as ******
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it

I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as ******
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as ******
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as ******
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as ******
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

This one really has hit home lately.

Thanks Hurtingless. That's a good one (or bad depending on how you look at it). This is a song that WBF said was for me a couple weeks ago.

Guster- Parachute


There we stand
About to fly
Peeking down over land
Parachute behind
What was that moment for
Which we live
Without a parachute
About to dive

Find my self convincing
Blindly falling faster
How easy
Know the place I'm leaving
And the rest is just gone

Oh the adoration
But how much strength does it take
For exploration
For split decision
Are you stronger to remain

Find my self convincing
Blindly falling faster
How easy
Know the place I'm leaving
And the rest is just gone

It crept up on me
Ignored all my pleas
Begging to leave
No justice to name me
Fell out of the sky
Cease it to be
Without a reply
Gravity fails me
When I awoke
I knew what was real
Hope to convince you
Lies they all torture me
Opened the door
Knew what was me
I finally realized
Parachute over me

There is a song by fort minor called "where'd you go"

get this song.

it will tell you EXACTLY what you feel.

bet you $0.02

listen to it or get the words and tell me.

Here's your lyrics, nc007. This song is a trigger for me. It was the only song too sad to listen to during WBF's A. Now, when I hear it I change it immediately. Unfortunately, WBF really likes it. Anyways, here ya go.

FORT MINOR

"Where'd You Go?"

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like ******,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little ****** up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbecue up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once and a while,
******, I find myself just fillin' my time,
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find that you have something to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little ****** up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

I want you to know it's a little ****** up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it...

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...

CYNDI LAUPER - "Time After Time"

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
And think of you
Caught up in circles confusion -
Is nothing new
Flashback - warm nights -
Almost left behind
Suitcases of memories,
Time after -

Sometimes you picture me -
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you've said -
Then you say - go slow -
I fall behind -
The second hand unwinds

Chorus:
If you're lost you can look - and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you - I'll be waiting
Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows - you're wondering
If I'm OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time -

Chorus:
If you're lost you can look - and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you - I'll be waiting
Time after time

You said go slow -
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds -

Chorus:
If you're lost you can look - and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you - I'll be waiting
Time after time
Time after time
Time after time
Time after time

thanks for the words but sorry for the pain it caused you.

luv. you. take care .

Fleetwood Mac
"Landslide"

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, Ive been afraid of changing
cause Ive built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
Im getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down

Uncle Cracker - To think I used to love you.

You made me laugh some
You made me cry some too
You sent me off into a world of pain
And made me someone new
You made all kinds of promises
But only some came true
Now I know you need me more than I need you

[chorus]
To think I used to love you
For reasons I dont know
You polished up my halo
And I dirtied up your soul
I sure had a good time
But we both know I cant stay
To think I used to love you but Im leaving anyway

You know Im not perfect
And I tried to make you see
Somehow you thought of everything
But you didnt think about me
Lies and disappointment
Makes your world go round
Its to late save me so you might as well come down

Thanks Hurtingless.

Here's my Song of the Day.

Trisha Yearwood
Trying To Love You

I blew out all my plans
The world fell in my hands
The day that I began
Trying to love you

The secrets I have kept
The nights I haven't slept
I've laughed until I've wept
Trying to love you

Trying to love you...No one's come as close or gone so far
Trying to love you...I've lost and found myself in who you are
Trying to love you...So easy and so hard, trying to love you

I've watched myself get stuck
Squandered all my luck
Almost given up
Trying to love you

Trying to love you...It broke my heart, it's chipped away my pride
Trying to love you...Everytime I'd see that faultline slide
Trying to love you...I've crossed the great divide trying to love you

Trying to love you...I've screamed your name, I've slammed a thousand doors
Trying to love you...I've worn a million miles across the floor
Trying to love you...Still I could not ignore trying to love you

It's pulled the best from me
For all the world to see
I guess I'll always be
Trying to love you

I've been pretty bummed out for the last few days for a myriad of reasons. WBF and I had a discussion yesterday and I'm confused about some things. I guess I come from the "earning love" theory and I would like to change that perception. It was talked about yet again in our discussion that WBF is not yet in love with me. Still the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" routine. Actually he said, "I think part of me is in love with you to a certain extent." Whatever that really means. I never heard anyone say "I'm in love with her a little bit" or anything like that.

I guess my question is if love is a choice and WBF wants to be in love with me, why wouldn't he just choose it? If it's a choice?

Also, he said that what he aspires for in our relationship is that fire and passion that you get with that infatuation phase of when you first meet someone. We didn't just meet. Is this a realistic goal? It seems to me that he is saying that infatuation is what he wants and that's when he'll fall in love with me. When we get there "someday". I could be wrong, but I think if we had any chance of getting there wouldn't it be like NOW, when we're "starting over" rather than later down the road. The "honeymoon phase" of relationships happen in the beginning, don't they?

I'm both confused and concern about all of this. I know that no one can speak for WBF but if anyone can shed some light on this, clarify, offer some advice, some encouragement, anything, that would be great.

I'm just not feeling very optimistic about all this.

Do you know how to fall in love over and over again?

First, you choose to believe you love, then you act on it.

Through your own acts of love, that falling in love feeling comes...sounds like WBF is depending on something striking him from the sky, falling under a spell or trying to catch a love virus.

There are real phases to relationships...Phase I is what he may be speaking of...when you don't really know each other...true selves...and you have this image of the other...and are doing loving acts, falling in love, feeling swelling gratitude, passion and celebration...of the image you have of the other, and their image of you.

I would say meeting each other's ENs in Phase I is a no-brainer...takes little effort because you're both clean slates, no real history (even a couple of years) and true selves are glimpsed, not fully shared.

Phase II, when you each begin showing your true selves to each other, breaks that image you made of the other, to pieces. Can feel like falling apart, falling out of love, bait and switch...when really, it is a healthy second stage to love, most often begun when married...when you both feel safe enought to be radically honest with each other and yourselves. A growing time. A most difficult time...because now you have history, resentment, failed expectations and earning love falls down...ENs seem too deep to meet or have met...a lot of distancing and manipulation can ensue...a "gimme that back" attitude of what once was...because it wasn't real, it was easier.

And because it wasn't real, it can't last.

Phase II, going soul to soul, is where you either get it and then move on to Phase III, mature love...or you don't. And I think this is where multiple marriages and relationships really come from...choosing to not get it...and never get to what really rocks...Phase III.

Hard to have a goal of what you've never experienced, IMO.

I'm not concerned with WBF's beliefs right now...they are his...I'm concerned with yours. What you choose to believe is how you will experience life...what about you?

Can you read on Slick50's Slimjim's post on narcisscism? Talks about only seeing, loving, reacting to yourself through others...in this case, WBF. You want to really get and understand, choose to believe, love is a choice you make...and you state that...wanting to change your perception. Then you immediately tied that to WBF's not feeling in love...his stuff is his...your focus shifts automatically it seems to me, to him, when you are attempting to talk about you.

HNT...you make the choice and act from the belief. For yourself. Determining your life. You. Period. Until you get yourself square on knowing you exist, you're a whole and complete human being, equal to everyone...how can you be part of a relationship if you don't exist on your own?

A lot of your down feelings are coming from your beliefs...that you must be loved to feel love...others must be happy with you in order for you to feel necessary, significant...tells self that you are not worth one thought, one act of love or self-care from YOU...only you putting it into others to get it back to fill you up.

Why not stop that cycle? Like on your other thread...does it make sense to get to your own back door by walking out your front door and around the block?

The more you focus on getting from the outside what you already have on the inside, the more you experience frustration, pain, fear and anger...from you, to you.

If you want to test out a belief, take a test drive, to prove it warrants you believing it...then I don't know what to advise. Wanna try choosing to love yourself? Act from that love? Practice that way? I don't know. I believe we choose our beliefs based on what resonates inside of us...and act from them...not see if they work like we'd like them to and then believe them.

We can replace our beliefs...I believe we need to replace the ones we got when we were too young to know we had a choice of what to believe...

I chose to believe Dr Harley...that meeting ENs, getting safe and living a respectful life, following the four rules of marriage, would give me the experience of falling in love repeatedly with my DH...and from my actions, I am living from that belief and experiencing that. So is my DH. I am deeply grateful to myself for having faith, choosing to believe and acting from that belief, holding my fear and acting, anyway...otherwise I wouldn't have gotten to this point, not because it wasn't true, but because of trying to prove the belief right before I acted from it.

LA

LA,

I am having a hard time. Guess I fell off the wagon and am headed back to Crazyland.

You've mentioned falling in love with your H over and over again. Why not just fall in love and stay there? Is that possible? In my experience, once you fall out of love, relationship ends. That's it. That's the way it's always happened. We stay together unless and until we fall out of love with eachother.

The deeper issue I think is that WBF was emotionally divorced for over a year. I never was. I don't think I ever really fell out of love with him. For him, this is a new relationship. Starting over. I'm still in the old relationship. Letting go of the old relationship means letting go of my hopes and dreams and plans for our future together. Getting married, having more children, buying a house, etc... These are my desires, my goals. I don't want to let go of them. I was ready for all this pre- D-day. To me, we've been together 6 years. To WBF, we've been together 2 months. My stuff (desires, hopes, dreams) are a long way away for him. Still right here for me.

My goal is to have a happy, healthy MARRIAGE and FAMILY. This would include respect, being in love, more children, meeting needs.

I hear you saying not to concern myself with WBF being in love with me. That's his stuff. I can love and accept myself all I want but I'm still going to want WBF to be in love with me. If he's not going to be, then why bother being with him? And as you said, it seems as if he's expecting it to hit him in the head or something. When we are in love with eachother is when I'll consider us recovered.

The thing is, LA, you did your stuff and you and your H fall in love with eachother over and over. What if I do my stuff and WBF doesn't fall in love with me? Are you saying that if I do it right, it won't matter anymore? That I won't have that desire anymore? I'm not sure what you mean.

WBF says he loves me. He acts lovingly toward me. I do him, too. Not always I'll admit, but much much better than before. The "in love" feelings are coming to me. Why are they not coming to him?

If my focus should never be on him, what is his purpose in my life? I'm not getting it right now. I will read that post and I hope it will help.

Thanks,
LA

First, I'll add my two cents worth, then I'll give you a song. By the way, my story is buried here in the forum somewhere.

Is this your only outlet for your feelings? I'm not saying anything bad, but you write here as if you have no one to talk to. And wow, are you verbose! I thought I was the only one. When I get started, I just can't stop the flow.

You sound a lot like me. I feel like a mouse in a maze that has a blindfold in it's pocket. I know that the prize(the cheese) is there, because I can smell it, but the controller of the cheese moves it often, especially when I get close enough to grab it. When it gets moved, for some idiotic reason, I put the blindfold on and start bumping into walls. That's the part that needs to be worked on that you and I have the most trouble with; consistency in the face of challenges to our beliefs and feelings.

Okay, enough of my babble. Here's the song. It's one that describes the way I feel about my 'lost' wife.

I Will Be Here(Steven Curtis Chapman)

Tomorrow morning if you wake up

and the sun does not appear

I will be here

If in the dark, we lose sight of love

Hold my hand, and have no fear

'Cause I will be here



I will be here

When you feel like being quiet

When you need to speak your mind

I will listen

And I will be here

When the laughter turns to cryin'

Through the winning, losing and trying

We'll be together

I will be here



Tomorrow morning, if you wake up

And the future is unclear

I will be here

Just as sure as seasons were made for change

Our lifetimes were made for these years

So I will be here



I will be here

And you can cry on my shoulder

When the mirror tells us we're older

I will hold you

And I will be here

To watch you grow in beauty

And tell you all the things you are to me

I will be here



I will be true to the promise I have made

To you and to the One who gave you to me



Tomorrow morning, if you wake up

And the sun does not appear

I will be here

Oh, I will be here.

And by the way, could someone give me an index of the darn abbreviations use? I don't like using them, but I would like to know what they mean, so I am not spending a lot of my time here trying to decipher them.

Str8--I LOVE that song...heard it in my head as I read the lyrics...heartbreaking performed and very dear to me. Thank you!!

HNT,

Wanna use symbol therapy? Your image of falling off the wagon and heading back to Crazyland, I believe, adds to your feelings of powerlessness...

Wanna try...Being in my center wasn't that fulfilling...I craved relaxing and not watching where I was, so I chose to float back into my habitual thinking, where I feel at home. I know I have to keep in my center with great effort more and more to make it feel like home, and floating away as the foreign trip.

Falling in love and staying there...hmmm...well, you just said you can't maintain the same chosen perspective in yourself...do you think I'm magic? As soon as I stop monitoring my resentment from my own expectations, I can shift and not feel mushy in love...less and less, little by little...reduce my acts of love, or see them as required to get what I want from DH...which cuts off my feelings of loving deeply, and feeling deeply loved.

Upward spirals, which is what I'm sharing with you, are awesome...good stuff feeds on more good stuff...upward...well, downward is the same...and I've lived an up and down extreme life! I'm learning the center of things...and to see where I stop feeding my upward spiral so it slows down, being aware of when it stops and begins to dip...picking up momentum.

External stress, not related to DH, can shift my perception...before I know I shifted it! Lots of little ways to not feel in love...so falling into it repeatedly feels great to me...steadier than striving to stay in it, which would require total focus, effort and a lot of energy to stay in it...which still seems to me to defeat the purpose...would be draining...I don't live FROM my emotions anymore, but I enjoy reading the information they bring...so falling in love, getting infatuated with DH now and again is really fun...no fear of falling out of love, either...because I know I love by choice.

I don't believe life is to perfect...or to live perfectly. I believe it is to live authentically.

I would HATE to have ended my marriage because we fell out of love...heck, long before MB, we did this...one of us would get infatuated with the other, and then not...trading off...sort of...met a lot of ENs...and there were times when we prioritized the children or others over each other...both definitely not in love...had to rely on knowing we loved even when we didn't feel it...until we did again.

Living from what you feel is, I believe, living a chaotic life...'cuz it's living it backwards...feelings results from beliefs and we make our choices (humans do) from what we perceive and believe...

Does that mean when you're angry it's over? Because anger is what you feel right now...won't later...same with not feeling in love, right now? Will later...if you act on your love.

That's why commitment is mental...it remains, even when the feelings stop signalling you that you love...because maybe, you hate more right then, resent more...until you don't.

If you choose to believe all humans can fall back in love with their partners, then you will live that...which means do not monitor, measure, judge and live from what WBF feels...but what YOU believe. Live from your own stuff...not his. You believe he was emotionally divorced from you for over a year...will take time to clear his own channels, deal with the resentment he creates, the entitlement it built into and lack of respect.

All his. Your part is to KNOW humans fall in love with each other and therefore, WBF will...

Each time you think a "What if?" and a "If only" you are either in the past or the future...not the present. Is it reasonable to make your choices today about YOUR self and life, based on what if WBF doesn't or does? Does that really make sense to you? Sound reasonable?

I think you have a habit of managing your emotions right now with either past or present thoughts...dwelling where you've been to prove something or where you haven't (the future) to try to experience it as if it has happened, because you fear the unknown so greatly. I know I did this. Emotional cutting to get me down to my normal levels, which turns out, were really LOW! I had not idea how high I could be everyday on just living, breathing and accepting right now...until I forbade myself the past or the future...

What if you don't do your stuff right...hmmm. No, not saying that. Your WBF LOVES you...and you can't feel it. Until you really get the belief you ARE lovable, marvelous, worthy and valuable AS YOU REALLY ARE...he could be head over heels and YOU won't feel it.

Period.

So does it really matter what is his stuff right now? Or do you have a whole lot of degrading, discouraging and immature beliefs leftover from childhood giving you a lot of fear, pain and anger?

Do you know the difference between consideration and obsession? Sounds vast...maybe it isn't for you. We consider our partners...we do not focus on them, determining our feelings from theirs and vice versa. We consider our choices out of respect for their stuff...and we only do that in healthy, centered states of being...not enmeshed, living externally, not knowing who we really are or sharing it states of being.

I'm asking you to unwind yourself...find all your separate and whole parts so that you can be HALF of a marriage...a whole person, complete...with a whole, complete person...who know who they are and share their experience in a sacred union, day by day...for a lifetime.

You only control your part...live it knowing you're whole...get there, and you will feel incredibly loved, because you already are.

Jesus said to love others as we love ourselves...and he knew the hardest part was loving ourselves...having been human...NOT loving others...that was easy. God is crazy about us, who we really are...his creations...children...joy...it is WE who are not.

LA