This sounds like an easy question.....but it isn't. What if the OP is your sister for instance? I've been around this board for a long time and I've seen all kinds of scenarios.

*The OP was a trusted friend or family member.
*The OP was an MC or doctor.
*The OP was a teacher or clergyman.
*The OP was a member of this board.

Nobody gets off the hook. Every affair partner is an adult with a choice.

These things are a no brainer:

*Dating or having sex with someone while you're married....is just plain wrong.

*Dating or having sex with a married person....is just plain wrong.

Wrong is wrong....and arguing "wrong-ER" seems kinda pointless. If we limit our accountability to only our own marriages....then it will sure make it easier to look the other way if we know our friend is cheating on his wife....wouldn't it? We....as fellow human beings....are our brother's keepers.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I THINK!!!! What your son said to you, is exactly what I said to my wife. She understood me then.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I THINK!!!! What your son said to you, is exactly what I said to my wife. She understood me then.

Yep - it was pretty sad that it took a 22 year old to point that out to me - but once he did I understood - the ow had made no promise to me - exh did. I still do place a little blame with her though - can't totally let her off the hook.

I think a lot depends on the nature of the A. I guess, if the OP was a friend of the family and knew we were married, I would assign say 40% of the responsibility to OP. I say 40% because I believe the WS always bears a majority of the responsibility. My rationale for this is that the WS always has the power to grant the relationship to OP without it being infidelity. They can get a divorce.

However, in my sitch, I don't believe initially OP knew my WW was married. As my WW tells it, he knew we were married, but she told him she was getting a D. If that's the truth, then I would assign say 10%. IMO, it is wrong to date a married person, regardless of whether the state of their M. If there is still an M, no dating. I'm pretty sure OP now knows we are still married and is probably aware that we were not separated, etc. So now I would assign say up to 40% of the responsibility.

FWIW, I don't think assigning blame is worthwhile. In fact, and some may disagree, I would go with whatever amount the WS wants to assign to OP or themselves. At least initially. Work with and allow the WS to come to the right conclusion during recovery.

This may not work in all cases, but is WS has committed to try NC, and in the beginning, WS says it was all OP's fault, go with that and leverage it to reinforce NC. Leverage it to POJA extreme measures to avoid contact. I'm exaggerating here a little, but is WS says, I couldn't help myself, OP just kept pursuing me, say "Okay, honey, your right, I can see how with that temptation there was nothing else you can do, then we need to cancel your cell phone, get rid of all computers, change jobs, move, etc." If WS says, It was all my fault and OP is a good person, leverage that. Say "Okay honey, I can see you are in charge of your actions, so it should be no problem for NC, OP wont pursue you cause their a good person and if they do, you were always in charge, so you can ignore them"

I guess what I mean, is rather than fight about who's to blame, just agree and develop an action plan. WS will either agree with action plan, or resist it. If they resist it, they will have to "come around" so to speak, without any arguement about it.

Let me guess - was she the WS? If so, that sounds like blame-shifting to me. The WS is 100% responsible for letting the A happen - end of story.

In my case, I can get angry at the OM for having an A with my FWW, but I don't blame him for my wife's A. My FWW chose to get involved with him, and she's 100% responsible for making that choice.

In my sitch WH gets 60%, OW 40%. OW KNEW me and him and KNEW we were married. That's a boundary that SHE knows should never be crossed.

WH gets more blame because he was M so that is his/MY/OUR boundary that he allowed to be crossed!

Initially I blamed OW close to 90%. WH told me she initially backed off and he pursued the EA further. That shifted my blame to WH getting 90%! Time and innner healing, plus the continuation of the A gives them a closer ranking now, but since WH is STILL participating he's getting more blame.

But I hate to even use the word blame. It's easier to type but the real word is responsibility. Yes, I now know I had my share of responsibility in the unhappiness of our marriage, but I didn't seek solace outside of the M.

I shall bear NO blame!

Going to be real transparent here......my EX wanted a divorce from me to be with "a real christian man" words out of her mouth......he is a married preacher at my former church. I knew him for 8yrs. Anyhow, it started as an EA and I guess even though both are really to blame (and are hyporcrits), I still blame my EX more.....because she was committed to me (as he was with his wife)....but SHE knew better. ******, he knew better too. I still say she should have just said NO THANKS!

Nope......her EX was a serial cheater.....she knew about 4 or so of his affairs. That means there was probably a dozen of them.

I agree completely.

The thing with it is as a married person you have a responsibility to be faithful to your spouse.
The other person does not have the resposiblity for your S to remain faithful.
If your S decides to be unfaithful that is their decesion. The OP cannot make them be unfaithful. They can be a willing partner in an A but they cannot force it on to the married person.
So the WS is responsible for not starting an A.

IMHO. I do beleive everyone has some morals. Most people believe sleeping with a married person is wrong. I think that a WS has to be pretty obvious they are interested in an A for the OP to even act on it.

I don't see many people making a move on a married person if they did not feel pretty confident.

Where did the confidence come from?

This is a no brainer. My or your WW, WH is the most at fault unless there was an emotional or physical rape that took place and we weren't told. At the same time there are predators out there who prey on vulnerable men and women alike and they are much worse than those OM/OW who make mistakes and let boundaries get crossed. These sorry good for nothing low lifes actually premeditatedley approach someone with intentions to have an A or just sex with the vulnerable party. These people are the scum of the earth.

Yes you do....and you have a bigger responsibility than that too. You have a responsibility to protect other marriages. You have a responsibility to let someone know if their spouse is cheating. You have a responsibility to protect children....the innocents in these scenarios. You have a responsibility to protect your family from scandal and disdain. You have a responsibility to protect your own soul...your own character....from unethical conduct.



No....but they have all the other responsibilities to self and community that I mentioned and that's still an awful lot. As a human being....I DO have a responsibility to someone else's spouse....even if they are stranger to me. It doesn't take a "vow" to know that harming someone else...even a stranger....is wrong. Sleeping with someone's husband creates harm.

If your S decides to be unfaithful that is their decesion.

Not entirely. If I'm the OP and I say...."you're marriedand you need to leave" he can't be unfaithful with ME!! can he? If every potential OP said that....there wouldn't be much infidelity would there?

The OP cannot make them be unfaithful.

And the WS and cannot MAKE the OP an OP either. It is a mutual contract....and requires consent from both parties or it doesn't happen aside from rape. I have a choice to help someone be faithful even if I'm attracted to them and lonely....or be selfish and accept what they offer.


Willingness=responsibility.


What if the OP is your sister?....that is a convenant too!! Or your best friend? or your minister? But no matter whether there is a convenant with between the BS and the OP or not....the OP have convenant with THEMSELVES and God. When you knowingly harm another person....and infidelity HARMS....you have as much responsibility as anyone else. I agree with ark^^ Tony's Soprano's wife has as much blood on her hands as he does....whether she yields the knife or not.

That may be true but they do not have that responsibility to me.

My FWW does.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

This world would be a much better place if everyone were better people. That is not the case though.

The fact of the matter is there are people that will have A's. There are women that chase married men and men who will chase married women.

There was actually an article in maxim on line and it was how to land a married woman.

Wow imagine that. What a wonderful world.

I did not enter into a marital contract with the entire world. I did not enter into a marital contract with every tom, [censored] and harry that would sleep with a married woman.

I entered into it with my FWW. She has/had the responsibility to honor that contract.

Everyone knows that infidelity happens. Everyone says I wouldn't do that. It was my FWW's responsibility to make sure that didn't happen. Not the OM's. The OP could be anybody if the S wants an A. Soon enough they can find comfort in the biggest scumbag in the world.

If I cheat on my FWW I can tell you one thing. I would be responsible. I have had chances. I have declined them because I have free will. My free will told me it was wrong because I made a vow.

I cannot live my life hoping there aren't people that would engage in and A because we know that isn't the truth.

I don't care if it was my brother, my best friend, my pastor or anyone else. She entered into that contract with me. She is responsible to me.

Let god figure out the OP's part. I don't care who they are.

I would say that it would hurt more if it was someone I trusted or loved but the fact is she made the vow to me.

Do I think the OP is a bad person yes. Do I think they are responsible for their own actions? Yes. Do I think they are responsible to me? NO. My FWW was though.

There are people who do not believe in the sanctity of M. There are people who believe they should enjoy life to the fullest and if that means sleeping with a married person so be it. I do not expect the world to conform to my beliefs on infidelity. I expected my FWW to though.

OK, how about using the addiction scenario that we use.

Who is more responsible for becoming addicted to smoking crack? The crackhead or the drug itself?

The crackhead 75%... and the crack 25%?

I believe the crackhead has to own up 100%

The alcoholic or the booze?

Temptation is always out there! On commercials, almost every cover of a magazine. In the music, etc.

The OP can be the sister/brother, best friend or what ever, and if they pursue the spouse then they are evil...but on a different plane or universe. They own 100% of their sin.

But the WS owns 100% of the betraying and destruction of the M.

IMHO

krk