hello, I am a new member and posted my first post yesterday under "emotional needs". It was suggested I repost here:

"Hello. My husband of 18 years left me a month ago for another woman whom he'd been having an affair with since Christmas. I'm absolutely devastated and don't know how to pick myself up and move on. I still love him, want our marriage and have hope that maybe he will come to his senses and see what he has given up. The past few years of our marriage had been difficult and I was neglect in showing him affection. We went to marriage counselling three times after he told me about the affair but left a month ago to continue the relationship with the other woman. It is complicated with her violent estranged husband and sons and happened in husband's workplace. The man I've known and been with for 22 years, this is so out of character for him. I wonder is this what they say is a midlife crisis?

Have read a few books but still feeling devastated and sad and alone and missing my husband. Look forward to suggestions, comments, ideas to help me get through this.

thanks in advance"

I have read the articles on this website, and others, plus several books on infidelity. Now I'm reading books on what to do when the one you love leaves. I think I need to take care of myself, look after me and not focus on the marriage or the affair or them. I have no control over that right now. My head gets it, my heart does not. I miss him incredibly and the love I feel for him is immense. What a wake up call.

Thank you for any guidance/support you can offer.

any children with him

how often are two talking if any

what does he say about the marriage

are you financially secure

is the affair exposed to others....

you are welcome here...I hope you find respite

ARK

((Brokeshop))

Do you have children?

Are you still in contact with your H?

We have one child, a 15.5 teenage daughter. I had consulted a lawyer and she told me that our daughter is old enough to decide when and who she wants to visit. So we do not have an official custody/visitation agreement. We have plotted out the month of August for which days she stays with me and which days she stays with him.

We decided we would try to write up our own separation agreement. I wrote my issues down and then he wrote what he wanted and now it's back in my hands to go over it. I just checked our snail mail and he sent something to me, instead of bringing it over. To me that means he wants to avoid all contact.

Communication has been minimal because I made a declaration a few weeks ago (detachment theory from one of the books I've read) that while I love him and want our marriage, he has chosen to leave and therefore there will be no family dinners, visits, day trips (like he wanted at the time) as that would be having his cake and eating it to. I told him I had hope for the marriage to reconcile but until his affair was resolved, our contact was to be limited. (This was the hardest thing for me to do as I miss him like crazy and just want to gush and tell him how much I love and want him). I told him I would not wait forever.

A few days ago he was here to take the dog out and I point blank asked about divorce and he said he wasn't filing "right now" and so I asked in a year and he said "possibly". I think/?hope he is conflicted and doesn't know what he wants. He isn't being very "black'n'white" with answers so I take hope from them, when in reality he may be afraid to tell me the complete truth. False hope?

We live in small town where everyone knows our business. It's been incredibly hard. Right now he only lives a few blocks away.

thank you for letting me tell my story

Not super financially secure. I have a good paying job but have never had to pay any of the household expenses; instead have incurred a huge amount of debt with an expensive vehicle and hobby. I have sorted out part of my debt problem by consolidating that loan. Husband has offered to pay for the mortgage and running of the house for one year, in the separation agreement he has proposed.

Yes the affair is common knowledge. They continue to be involved; she left her husband and lives in a different community from ours. Husband and sons have threatened to kill husband; one son has already assaulted him. I've had a variety of calls from all of her family and I think they are all lunatics.

It is such a mess. I seriously think my husband is losing his mind, for all this mess he has put us in.

NO !

This is OW's "rule" ... I'd bet anything.

Pep

Hi brokeshop,

I'm sorry you have found yourself in the sitch no one wants to be in, but you have come to a very good place and you will receive lots of ideas and support.

Just keep talking and reading, and hang in there.

Hello and welcome.

Have you read about Plan A/Plan B?

It sounds as if you are in Plan B, which would mean that ALL contact (even passer by conversation) should be cut off. The little passer-by conversations risk end up being only negative, leaving only bad interaction between you. When you are invisible, the fallen-off-the-face-of-the-earth kind of invisible, he has a chance to miss you and remember the good days.

You may want to ask around about doing Plan A before going to Plan B, though I doubt Plan A makes much sense when he is full fledged openly involved with OW.

Others will chime in with other advice better than mine. I am a FWW not a BS, so only have a hear-say understanding of your situation.

But I can say that taking good care of your physical health is an important key to maintaining the stamina that this tough road requires. Hang in there!
Courage to you.

If you want to follow marriagebuilders advice here...it will be different from the things you have done so far..

FIRST off..

YOU should NOT in any ways send your fifteen daughter to stay with dad while he plays house with GIRLFRIEND while still married to you...

he can see daughter in your home...
he can see her outside and WITHOUT the OW...

but you need a lawyer that is pro marriage and pro children..

you can get restraining orders from her family which will help block daughter having to be exposed to HIS and HER chaos...
infact with the threats of violence there's NO WAY I'd send my fifteen year old there.....

is it gonna piss him off...maybe but too bad..there is a bigger picture of NOT teaching our children that marriages are disposable AND MOMS are replacable.....

also you need to reinstate contact...
and start your plan A..in which you attract him back in to your radar..

through serenity
calmness
consistancy..

you can not be in plan B for you have not planned A'd...

you must do plan A before plan B...

you must tell him that you are NOT giving up on this marriage and that you DO want it to work...

and that you are willing to work on it with him....

you need to do things in your plan A where you call him to come over and help with something.....

you need to have him come over and do things with daughter in YOUR home...

questions??

ARK^^

Thank you for your posts.

I am going to have to go get my two books I got from this site and reread Plan A/B.

The books that I read about "detachment" are Getting Back Together by Bettie Youngs and When the One you love wants to leave by Donald Harvy. I felt these were more applicable since my husband has now left. I had the other books when I first found out about the affair and we did do the needs questionaire together.

Now I am thinking I need to read books about self esteem. Any suggestions?

are you working on a plan to protect your fifteen year olf from the OP

ark

i also have this book "When the One you love wants to leave by Donald Harvy" it DOES support more of a plan B....so does "love must be tough"

i believe that plan A is important before using plan B or any "let them go" plan because it may allow the WS to see that you are sincere in your desire to make changes to improve your marraige and they MAY end the affair....but if plan A does not work.....it leaves the WS with a really great impression of you before plan B/detatchment which may help them decide that you are a more attractive alternative than the OP

please read up on plan A and start showing and telling your H how much you want your marraige to work

I don't understand, what do you mean a plan to protect my daughter from the other person? From the other person's family? The lawyer I consulted said the threats were only made against husband, so would have tough time pursuing it through the courts. And, daughter is old enough to decide when to see her father, which she does.

I briefly read over plan a/b and think that the weeks after I was told about the affair, I did use a "soft" plan a. I contantly told husband how I felt about him.

It's a hard thing. I see both ways, working and not working. I want to call him all the time and tlel him how I feel about him. But what is the point if he is totally wrapped up in the affair with the other woman? If I "detach with love" he may see what he is missing, eventually?

The hard thing for me is knowing she actively pursued him for months before he "gave in". Everything I have heard from her family, from him, from her, supports this story. So he is susceptible to persistance from other woman. If I step back, am I letting him get away? Do you see what I mean?

I am so confused. Feel so alone. I can't believe how emotionally AND physically painful this devastation is.

That wouldn't be very attractive. Is that what you did when you were first dating? "I need you, I'll die without you."

Plan A isn't soft. It is actually quite difficult. But the idea is to show him that he is giving up the best thing in the world, not a crying, weepy, wishy washy, desperate woman.

I am not being hard. I did those things too. My WW told a friend that she would be willing to reconcile eventually but my desperation was making her not want to.

You protect your daughter by not giving in to DAD being allowed to have her around his GIRLFRIEND

that you do NOT for a second condone dad taking daughter overnights to sleep in the same place where he and OP sleep as if dads move out all the time in with new girlfriends...and everyone acts like \
well if this is what makes him happy...then we should all just go along...

Do you see the mixed up messed up impact this can have on a fifteen year old girl....

you need to see a lawyer to protect her from having to spend times with a girlfriend while married....

do you see the impact her dads actions will have on her view of relationships...marriage..

this is NOT what dads should do
this is NOT normal
this is NOT OK>..

and YOU can not kiss her on the forhead and say..

go ahead honey have a good time with daddies girlfriend...

(read strurgis recent post lots of people chimed in with the effects of this type of fast moving abandonment..

your husband has abandoned his daughter...you don't cushion that reality.....

and i am not suggesting she is a pawn or should be in the middle...

but YOU must be rational and sane about the evilness of these acts...

not draw up nicey nice visitation for daughter and girlfriend...

get it

also whats to stop crazy husband and OW kids to be over there throwing fits when daughter is visiting

and why are they calling YOU

ark

How do you really know if OW's H is crazy or abusive? The word of a WS? Every OP tells the WS their mate was crazy. Don't be surprised if you are being painted the same way or worse. See all BS' have t/b crazy to permit the A to continue . When you are not crazy, it helps kill the A. There are other ways of killing the A which you will learn when you read Surviving an Affair (Harley) and Love must be tough (Dobson).

As for your daugther, yes she is old enough to decide but this is not a decision for a child. Let her know that her dad is doing a bad thing and you 2 must work together to protect each other. Make her a part of your suport group and you be a part of hers. If she insists on going to her dad's, yes you can't stop her but you can't treat her as the obedient child if she is playing with fire.

Learn how to treat her well when she is working with you vs when she is not. Remember her safety is at stake also (physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.).

L.

Ok, I don't know "for sure" if OW's husband is crazy/abusive, but seeing as he's phoned me several time over the past months and literally RANTS and talks crazy talk, I believe him to be unstable. As well as for the one son, who is a head injury, known to police because he's always getting into bar fights. He has phoned multiple times and talks the same way his father does. From these phone calls to me, personally, I feel that they are unstable and unpredictable. No, they have no threatened me or my daughter. It's all directed against my husband.

Thankfully, they live in a community 2 hours away.

I don't know if it's blind trust, but my husband loves his daughter and is a good father, always has been. I can't believe he would put her in harm's way, intentionally.

Daughter at this point has said she will not be in the same room with her father and OW. "Too weird" is what she called it. I suspect husband is leary of bringing them together anyways.

I've spoken at length with police, both in my community and OW's community. I've consulted a lawyer. There isn't much that can be done, as the OW's husband and sons have not threatened me or daughter. The most I could get was harrassment, but I didn't know about logging calls with the phone company. It's been weeks now since I've had calls.

thank you again for your posts. it is so helpful to hear voice of experience and thoughts of a third party. Thank you.

ok, so there is some truth to OW's H being unstable. Given the A circumstances his WS isn't helping him get better either. Having an A is NOT how to help someone.

However there is another part of your last post that concerns me. A WS is not a good H and father. Never can be. That is why you must secure your daughter's safety. He may have been a good H & father when he wasn't a WS but don't expect him to keep your daughter out of harm's way. Just the fact that he associates with a OW is harmful. Don't overlook the small things that impact your daughter's youth.

Don't assume his words to protect your daughter will be kept. Trusting a WS is like holding a timebomb. It is just a matter of when....then what?

Please be cautious.

L.

I can't believe he would put her in harm's way, intentionally.

His actions of abandoning daughters mom (YOU)
and IMMEDIATELY replacing her...
(running away...conflict avoiding...abandoning....)
etc etc etc

put her in harms way..

harm of forming lasting relationships with the men she chooses...

harm of having a safe place to live

harm of increased financial stress as he now give money to his new girl friend...

this is why I implore you to seek legal counsel to protect her from exposure to OP...

it is not right for dads to abandon women and go get new ones...

ARK

Thank you Ark and Orchid, your words are food for thought for me. Hard for me to read and know what to do with that sort of information.

I've dug out all my books now and have them sitting on my bed and plan to start, one by one, rereading them. I've had a really tough few days where all I can do is cry, so it's a little hard to read when the paper is soaked with tears.

thanks again.