My WS and I were married 6 years ago. We are now both 29 and have been together since we were 15. IMO we were very happy until I recently found out she was having an EA. We have no children.

Over the last 3 years she has been in graduate school and graduated in December. She got a job as a science teacher starting in January. She had a co-teacher in the room with her for special ed students. This teacher is the MOM.

D-day was July 13th. WS went on a school sponsored trip (conference to Las Vegas) with MOM and around twenty other teachers on June 10th-14th. At this point our marriage seemed great. I had no idea that we had any major issues. Of course we had our occasional arguments but nothing unusual. Since the time she came back from this trip she has been very cold toward me and would not tell me what was wrong. She went out a few times staying out all night at one of her friend’s houses. She has never done this before. After numerous attempts to talk to her about what was going on I decided to find out for my self. She was staying up late almost every night on the computer. At first this did not seem unusual since she did not have to work over the summer. I placed a keystroke recorder on the cpu and found out through IM’s to her friends and the MOM what was going on.

Apparently on the trip he confided in her that he was thinking of divorce and they started talking about his relationship and then eventually about ours. They spent several evenings going out to bars while on this trip and eventually exchanged phone numbers to continue talking once they came back. I have since found out that they spent almost everyday together from June 15th - July 13th. According to my wife they never had any physical relationship but from her IM’s it was not far away. They did hug and kiss from what she has told me. To me it appears they were on step 14 of the 15 steps to Infidelity.
I was logged in on her IM when the MOM sent her a note. I responded and made it clear I was aware of what was going on and for him to stay away from my wife. I then went and woke her and confronted her about the situation. Of course she right of the bat denied that anything was going on. After telling her I had read the messages she admitted to going to lunch with him, but nothing else. She did not know what all I had read and how much I already knew. She had told her friend that she had contacted an attorney and was already making plans to spend time with the MOM after our divorce. After talking(arguing) it over for several days she agreed to cancel the next appointment with the attorney and call MOM to tell him they could not see each other anymore. We went a few times to marriage counseling but she has since stopped going. She wants to see someone on her own instead of us together. I found out on July 31st that she had put a deposit down on a deposit on her own apartment and wants to move out. This IMO was her trying to get me to agree to a divorce. I firmly disagree with divorce and do not want to go that route. I love this alien very much and want our marriage to work more than anything in my life. I have continued to go to the marriage counselor but she still will not go. Her parents have agreed to support her I what ever decision she makes through this. I do not think she has given the whole story to them about the MOM.

I have read a lot on this site and need a little help. She claims that she has not seen or spoke with this MOM for 3 weeks. My problem with that is on July 31st they started back to school. She claims that he is on the other side of the school now and they will never see each other. I find that hard to believe or to deal with. I have asked her to ask for a transfer or for him to ask for one. She said that neither can do that now that school is back open. They have to sign contracts. She would lose her teaching certification if she quit this job and would not be able to teach again.

She told me on July 31st that she had put a deposit down on an apartment and was moving out on August 12th. I was very hurt and upset. She went though he house and wrote down all of the items she wanted to take with her and how she wanted the bills to be split up. I was devastated and told her that I would contact her parents and school to advise of the EA if she moved out. I feel that her moving out is the last stage before her filing for divorce. She tells me the usual things I have read on her like “I love you but I am not in love with you”. I find this hard to believe as just two months ago we had little problems.
As far as her moving out she has not told me what her decision is right now. I am confused and do not know what to do. I am sure that I have left many things out so post a message and I will answer asap. Almost every day is a roller coaster. One day she is willing to try to save our marriage the next she is not. Please help me save our marriage.

Sorry to hear of your situation, but a few things come to mind:

1. If she lied to you about doing lunch and nothing else, she's probably lying about the "nothing else" too. If they spent every day together for an entire month, the A probably became a PA. Are you prepared to face this?

2. You don't threaten exposure, you DO exposure. Threats of exposure to a WS only force them to go more underground with their A and at the same time increase their resentment towards the BS. Remember, it's an addiction.

3. Get your hands on a copy of HNHN and SAA, and also NJF. Read and equip yourself for the battle ahead if you want to save your M. Plan A is hard work.

Welcome to MB.

You'll get more responses if you cut and paste this post over on to the Infidelity - Gen'l Questions II board. It is the most active MB board with the most veteran, experienced posters.

Have you fully read Longhorn's thread "For newly Betrayed Spouses" pinned to the top of this JFO board? If so, you know what you must do. Expose WW to her family and friends AND OM to his family and friends in one big swoop. The school should be made aware and they may unilaterally decide to separate the two of them if some alternate arrangements can easily be made. Much easier for them to do this prior to starting a new school year.

Separation is deadly to reconciliation. It can still be done and perhaps it will be a good time to Plan B your wife but you can't Plan B unless and until you've completed and executed a complete Plan A. Read the link in my signature line and my do's and don'ts list in Longhorns thread. Post and ask questions. We will assist you through this.

Don't send your wife here. You need this place for you right now.

You will make it.

Mr. Wondering