This may be a silly question. If I took my wedding ring off, would it create more problems or would it hit her like a hammer and make a point? I'm 45 am and prepared to move on if neccessary.

We are in plan A. FWW (36 year old) is figuring out what she wants in life. Yada, Yada, Yada......

The past few months, her wedding ring seems to come off periodically (fairly new phenonemon). This is not just a plain ring, but a big ol', couple carrot/platinum, shiny, three rock ring (very high end). Always justifies it by saying she's feeling bloated or swollen, they are digging in (blames it on PMS and period). Until the past 6 months this did not really ever happen in our 6 year marriage. we have 1 child (3 years old). W is very into jewelery and always wears multiple rings anyway. 3-4 minimum. Lately, all her rings come off periodicaly, not just wedding ring. Is this what happens to women in mid-30's? Is this a mid-life crisis?

I am not into jewelry. I wear a simple watch and my wedding band, nothing else.

Since we are having problems lately, I'm really bothered by this. She has had a one-nighter and two EA's in the past year. She still is at home figuring out what she wants in life. We're trying to make it work and save the Marriage.

Did I mention she's Bi-Polar?

Once again, if i took my band off, would that be seen as a sign of strength on my part or as vindictive.

I Love her and am trying but nothing seems to work.

If you want your M, I would keep it on.

Be the shining example of what a good H should be.

I can see why you would want to take it off...

"see how it feels, honey??"

Seeing her upset would make you feel good for about a minute, and then you'd regret it.

Don't do that if you want your M. Be a hero and keep it on.

Blessings,

KM

I did this once. Not sure why except that it was in my first marriage, and we had both decided it was over. I stopped wearing my ring. A week later she noticed and it only served to hurt her. It was like punching her emotionally. I had no desire to hurt her, so I felt bad about it.

I now believe it is just better to be direct. Doing symbolic stuff like this is never kind in my opinion, I wouldn't want someone to do this to me, so I don't.

So, not the advice you were looking for, just what happened to me and how I feel about it now, years later. Sorry for what you are going through, I hope you can work things for the two of you.

IMHO, I would leave it on if you are sincere in trying to work it out. My BH has taken it off, and though he is still with me, it hurts that he has. I wear mine faithfully (and I did even during my EA). It may make a point, but it may not be the point you want. And if it didn't make a point wouldn't that be just as bad?

I'm just saying how I feel about this situation- once my BH asks for his ring back I'll know he really wants to work it out.....

And if all the rings come off, not just the wedding band, it may be nothing.

MrsRob

hanging,

If there is one thing that I would have done differently in my whole saga(besides exposing immediately), would be that I did not remove my ring. By the time that I realized that mistake, I had already pounded it into a flattened piece of platinum.

I guess I'll put it back on then.... Funny how emotions make you feel certain ways.

I'm very old fashioned. My parents have been married 59 years. Dad still has his original band. Fingers have swollen around it but it has never come off. Mom still has original band (rocks added). My first marriage of 17 years, I NEVER took my band off until D was final.

My W, had inlhy had a 1 1/2 yr. marriage previously, her Mother has been married 4 times and she has no contact with her Dad.

Quite different upbringings.

I just don't get it.

Fatherless daughters are typically troubled in some way. Or in my case, my STBXW was abandoned by both mother and father and then adopted by two people who were never meant to have children. The relationship with her father while he took care of her needs was never a true loving, kind, intimate relationship and now she has gone off the deep end with a man 23 years her senior and only 8 years younger than her father. I have no doubt that this A is tied to the adoption and the relationship or lack thereof she had with her father. She is on a path to destruction and all I can do is protect me and the children.

Keep your wedding band on. I wore mine up until a month or so ago and then took it off but now wish I had never removed it. I am even contemplating putting it back on again as an example to my daughter who is 9.

It's off my keychain and back on my finger now. Thank you all for your perspective, and so quickly.

I will act and be the hero again.....as usual.

Hopeandpray.....Sorry about your troubles. My 3 y.o. Daughter will never have a doubt whether her Daddy loves her. Daddy has always been the one constant presence in her life. Mommy goes to the bar and stays out all night, Mommy goes to rehab for 30 days, Mommy goes to the Psych ward, etc. Daddy is ALWAYS there taking care of her!

Katie Mae and Mrs. Rob, How long can someone put up with stuff and still be a hero or shining knight? She obviously doesn't see that anymore. She likes those 20 somethings these days...ya know, the ones with 6-pack abs and no future.

I guess I should also premise my last comment with ......I'm 6'3" and weigh 195 lbs. Needless to say, I'm not big and heavy (no beer belly), but at my age I do not have a 6-pack anymore.

I know exactly how you feel re: the symbolism. In 19 yrs of marriage I never removed mine except for cleanings and surgeries. WH is an electrician and wore his for 10 years non stop, even though people would occasionally say that it was dangerous in his profession. He then took a job working with high voltage and it was mandatory that he NOT wear it due to OSHA regs. It became an occasional accessory item to him. Then it stopped fitting him. We talked a few times about getting it resized, then he had his A. I wore 4 rings from him and they all came off that Dday and they are still sitting on the nightstand next to his side of the bed.

I haven't worn a single ring in 2 months now and you can still see the marks on my fingers from them.

WH knows that I want to wear them again but he needs to give them back to me when NC is official and we have a new beginning.

I just can't take them back myself. I've tried but it's not the same.

Good for you to be the bigger person. Bigger than I am. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

HT, I am the FWW, so it's my BH who needs to be the knight in shining armour, and he's not really wanting to- I figure I should put up with a lot from him since i'm the one who did this to our M in the first place.....

Scampi.....That gave me a good thought. And another question.

I've asked her many times when she's "bloated" to put "at least" her wedding ring back on.

What if.........I gave my ring to her and asked her to hold it until she decided what she is going to do??? Give it back if she desides to work to stay and work at the M. Would that be a mind-blower?

Hmmmmmmmmm

Please do not do what I did just because! I did it because we had discussed it openly and honestly and I told him my feelings about the symbolism.

If I had just 'done it' it probably would have backfired. A LB or AO I think.

Definitely try to engage her in a calm, honest discussion if possible. I wouldn't push the issue, but that's how I had to deal with my WH.

Each spouse and sitch is different.

That ring thing - let me tell you. I read a post from Ktulu about rings on one of the very worst days.It reminded me that I had taken off my ring on D-day.

I had to go do some TV for a business thing in London and my FWW found out I sent proof of PA to OM GF on the same day. She was absolutely ACID, hateful, vicious, telling me by phone she was packing and moving out and leaving the country with the kids and OM and all kinds of stuff. I had to keep calm and put my business head on for bloomberg ...

I got home she was EVIL. I checked my mail & this board and read Ktulu's post about the significance of her wedding band. I went straight to our bedroom and put on my wedding ring.

Squid noticed it the very next day in the middle of her worst and most terrible spite towards me and the kids.
" What the h3ll u wearing that for ? Our Marriage is down the pan !"

I replied calmly : "I don't need your permission to wear it. I promised God and you I'd wear it for better or worse. Well, this is 'worse' but my promise to God and you still stands. I want to be married to you. I want to do all I can to stay happily married to you, despite my hurt. Until the LAST MINUTE that there is hope that we can rescue our M I will wear the ring you gave me before God."

She ran upstairs and cried loudly for a long time. I took the kids bowling...

That was the peak of the hatred and fog. She mentioned since that it was very touching for her to see me wearing her ring when she felt so undeserving of it. And it also accused her.

I won't take it off again till I'm dead or divorced.

Now in recovery, Squid had tried to put on her wedding band. (a sports injury meant it hadn't fitted her for a year or more).

The story of what I did is HERE .

Do as you see fit with your wedding bands. You can see that ours were very significant indeed. All blessings

Well I must say that your post b0b pure* about you and squid hit me like a 2x4 right upside the head! Perhaps I should quietly put them back on now! See if he notices and/or comments?

Things have been s-l-o-w-l-y improving so this could be a good thing for me to do?

I love how the seasoned experts make us newbies think!

i still wear my wedding band and my engagement ring even if WH and i are living separately. I'm used to wearing them and it has become my fashion statement. IF we do get annulled, i don't know if i'm still gonna wear them. Probably buy other ring(s) to wear.

HT,

I would only continue to be a hero as long as you are not losing love for your W. To be perfectly honest, I didn't know your history... I didn't realize your W was going out partying all the time... I can see how that could deplete the ol' love bank pretty rapidly.

Your W is sick right now. PLEASE don't compare yourself to 20 year old guys... especially ones that hang out in the bars/clubs... that's such a shallow and phoney world.

I'm so sorry for all you are going through. Keep being the knight as long as you can stand it. I can see how this would be very frustrating for you... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Not looking too good. She decided she wants to separate with the intention of divorce. She doesn't want MC. She doesn't want to work on M, she can't ever see us being friends again. Say's she can't stand to be around me anymore, etc.

Ya know.....The old "not in love with you anymore" speech.

Sounds like the first chapter of Love Busters.

So be it. But I am still wearing my ring.

Is that what YOU'VE decided?

(((HT)))


Keep posting and let us know how things are going. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm still wearing my wedding band, even though the WW has taken off hers. She even screamed at me for still wearing it: "Why are you still wearing that ring!!! Don't you realize our M is over!!!!???"

I told her that the band comes off the day of D or when I die, whichever comes first. Then I walked away.

I'm not wearing the band because I want to be vindictive; I'm wearing it because I still believe in us...

Neither of us has filed for D

V