And just when things were going so well....H has not been talking to OW nearly as much; even saw a txt from her asking 'why all this silence??' Have been no LB's lately...I really saw the corner being turned. H being more affectionate, making happy plans for our vacation...etc.
Then WHAM! One fell swoop...our phone bill. Mind you, i have already been over the nightmare of the cell phone bill (OW lives in another country) but this was our HOME phone bill...$500.00 thank you. H didn't mention this little gem. So, i LB i guess - - I am Angry, so angry!!! I don't yell, I just ask why...I tell him this is awful, you never told me and now I have to find out this way...
H says he is sorry but that this is the circumstances b/c of this person being out of the country and he is of course going to stop talking to her 'very soon' and i am supposed to be changing so why am i reacting this way, with all this anger - wasnt that one of my biggest issues in the past?

ugh - UGH!!!! I don't think I can keep this up! On one hand I've got H planning a wonderful vacation and talking about our future together then this happens and it's back to the same old c#ap. Defending the OW, acting as if this is just a circumstance of the A and if it wasn't so expensive then maybe he would still talk to her...well thank you SO much for that!!
WTF am I doing here?? Am I just a glutton for punishment or do I suck this up and keep plan A going??

Hi MPELE,
I can understand you are really pi$$ed over this.
My XWH has spent this amount in one evening going to expensive who'res.. several times.
Suspecting is one thing, finding hard proof staring you in the eye is another.
But if you see evidence that your plan A is working..
don't blow it over this.

Thx BH - - and thats the thing, i totally see evidence that plan A is working...and it's such a catch 22, isn't it?

When you see it IS working and things ARE so much better it makes it that much harder to keep it together when the s#it hits the fan! And its so much harder when the WS acts like such an a$$ about it...like blaming it on you for being angry.

It is when he refers to OW that I really just get sick...'its just one of those things, i talk to her because it makes me happy...its unfortunate that she lives so far away and it costs so much but that is the situation i am in'...BLAH BLAH FOG BLAH> Oh, and at least he didnt hide the bill from me...No, he paid it out of MY ACCOUNT knowing i would see it...Gee, honey thanks!! Because, really that makes it SO much better! Argh.

Yup.. very much Argh.

I'm so sorry and I hate to have to say that I'm in the SAME boat as you. Plan A for me also appears to be working in my sitch, but it's those 2x4's that hit ya when you least expect it!

So hard to not LB.... I totally agree with you and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Thanks Scampi...love your username BTW! A 2X4, exactly.

And the WS reaction never helps...you are just aching for a sincere 'I am so sorry' and instead the fog just rolls right over you.

I made a small amend to make up for my LB - i emailed and said the phone bill is done - you made the calls, we paid the bill...what is left to fight about now? Then i said 'some of what you told me really hurt and confused me and if you would like to discuss that at some point that would be fine'.
Now we are back to vacation talk...where should we look for beach towels? Its almost funny if it wasnt so dam# sad, you know??

Scampi - i didn't read your sig before you said you were in the same sitch - well that's for sure...cake eating and fence sitting is the M.O. 'round my place since D-Day...

If i may ask, what contact does your WS have with OW??
Mine slinks out to his truck almost ev night to talk to OW for 15 min or so...every time he does it i feel like i am being slowly strangled...and he is so f-ing polite about it...'im going to make my call, ill be back in a couple minutes,ok?' i mean, come on!!!

this

plus this

plus this


makes me think

you don't have a plan...

do YOU have a plan?

What is it?

Pep

timelines are very important

Pep-
I have had a hard time with a timeline for NC bc we are planning a 9-day trip beginning 8/24 - i have told WS that NC needs to be sooner than later and that he will absolutely not have C during our vacation...i have gotten 'i will stop talking to OW very soon' thanks...
I want to say NC by _____ date or you are not coming on the vacation, but is that wise? i dont know anymore.

plus how do i say it and mean it? Soooo hard for me, boundaries/ultimatums are a huge character flaw...

My WH uses text messaging. :-( I can't see current activity from the cell bills since they are a month behind.

Slinking here has slowed waaaaaaay down so that's what gives me more hope, but I've always got my radar up! He's spending less time away from me each day but he has not done NC yet as far as I know.

I told him that I need to hear from him that it is over PERIOD, we will write a NC letter TOGETHER and we will do MC in addition to our IC sessions.

MC is starting next Tuesday. One baby step at a time!
Feel free to email me anytime to chat!

I gotta go offline now. Might be able to get back later tonight, but not sure.

Keep your chin up, deep cleansing breaths, and look in that mirror and closely examine yourself. Tell yourself how beautiful you are. Look for your flaws and either embrace them or see how you can improve on them. Keep positive thoughts all about YOU! The more you do this the less negative you will feel about your sitch. It takes time... lots of time, but it DOES help!!!!

The power of positive thinking really is an amazing thing.

And do something nice for yourself, no matter how small it may be. It had been years since I did anything just for me and at first I felt guilty, but I don't now.

I started out by getting myself a cheap $1.99 pair of earings at WalMart! Not a big deal but I liked them and they looked great and I felt nice wearing them! That tiny $1.99 investment was transforming!

Sounds crazy huh??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Scampi! Yes, what similar situations...mine does texting too but that has slowed down as well...thank god!! I need to go for today as well, but thanks for your thoughts and you can email anytime as well...
Think positive - YES!! that will get us thru many a bad day wont it? And SO funny you mention getting earrings...i am on my way to purchase the cutest little sandals for my trip <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Have a great night...take care.

how do you say "it" and meran "it" ... integrity

what if he continues to have intermittant various girlfriends the remainder of your marriage?

what is your plan then?

pep

by the way

hope is not a plan

Hi MP,

I am with PEP.....the timeline caught my eye, too...after DDay 1 in 2002, did your WP ever commit to NC with OW? Has he been in contact with OW since then?

I am sorry...but I am not too familiar with your story.....

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
have told WS that NC needs to be sooner than later and that he will absolutely not have C during our vacation...i have gotten 'i will stop talking to OW very soon' thanks...
I want to say NC by _____ date or you are not coming on the vacation, but is that wise? i dont know anymore.
------------------------------------------------------------

....sounds to me you are 'enabling'......rather than PLAN A

If your WS is not serious about NC.....what do you plan to do about it? ...PLAN A is supposed be done over a 'short' period......and than PLAN B....... unless you are prepared to live with a WS contacting OW whenever he feels like it...... 'I will stop talking to OW soon' does not sound to me like a serious committment..... are you prepared to live with that?...... that's the first question I think you need to ask yourself......

...the idea of an ultimatum usually doesn't work......it's like saying, you can continue disrespecting until such date.... and so what do you think he will do?......stop dead on the given date?.....or keep on testing your 'limit' after the date.....to see if you're serious....and.....what are you going to do about it if I don't?

....like PEP has so eloquently put it.....

quote:-----------------------------------------------
makes me think

you don't have a plan...
-----------------------------------------------------

and if not...better start thinking about one.... and yes..... it will have 'consequences' for your WS and you!

...as you can see from sig. line....I have been in PLAN B for about a year....because dealing with a WS for too long is "bad for your health".....like any other 'toxic' habit....

When you see it IS working and things ARE so much better it makes it that much harder to keep it together when the s#it hits the fan! And its so much harder when the WS acts like such an a$$ about it...like blaming it on you for being angry

NO

this is when you hit'm with plan B...

enough cake eating
enough..this is what happens when the OP lives out of the country....

enough..

Plan B...
at the height of plan A...

THIS is when WIFE has enough of being part of a TRIANGLE

may my exclusion from your triangulated vision blind you
and
my
SILENCE
about contact deafen you...

ARK

IM,

I totally agree with Pep and Lunamare. Your plan A is making your H all warm and fuzzy, BUT HE IS DISRESPECTING YOU big time, at the same time.

And why does he do this??

BECAUSE HE CAN!!

There is one more date from your time line we should look at. Married - 05/2002!!! Then Dday#1 was 09/2002?? Like isn't that about FOUR (4) MONTHS AFTER YOU WERE MARRIED???

You need a large hammer..either a totally dark plan B or the big plan D. An ultimatum, if you must, that you will stick to and be ready to do.

And the OChick is in another country? Is she married? Have you exposed to all concerned to get the contact to stop.

This is for SCAMPI too!

I believe you can plan A your A$$ off, but with the contact continueing with no sign of it stopping then the plan A is an enabling program. It just makes your H more comfortable doing what he is doing.

Plus there can be no progress made when there still is contact. As you know first hand, it tears your heart out. Like Lunamare says, plan B is for your sanity, to help you detach and do some healing.

Keep on your present course and you will end up hating his guts and all the love you still have for him will dry up.

IMHO

EDITED to add: I totally agree with Pep, Lunamare, and ARK^^

""may my exclusion from your triangulated vision blind you
and
my
SILENCE
about contact deafen you.."" VERY AWESOME!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

krk

hmmm, I think I would call and have his cell phone disconnected.

can't call her???
oh, I am sooo sorry- not

Whoooo boy - thank goodness i checked this from home! Need this, all of this...hard as it is. Can't write much now...but i thank all of you and will be able to say more tomorrow.
i didnt think of the enabling piece of my plan A, until it was brought up here...and how true that is...and how typical of me.
So, I ask....right now with the sitch as it is...plan b now, or the ultimatum about NC first?
To the ? someone posed about OW #2 and NC - yes, that was established and continues - NC for more than 3 years now.
To 'BECAUSE YOU LET HIM' ---- oh my....yes you hit that nail on the head...those 3 words are the crux of our entire relationship, unfortunately.
Sigh. Ack. Wish i could post on here all night.

Sorry MP for being a bit confused....

...so, your WS is on to OW#2.....well.....I guess that may mean that 'things' were not 'dealt with' while he was at OW#1.....

.....your WS seems to be waiting for some 'clearer' messages from you.......

....my message to my WS was/is very simple...a standard for PLAN Bers:.....'I will not be part of a triangle'.....WS maintains R with OW?......there is one option left....to removed YOURSELF from triangle.....PLAN B....

....the hard part about it...is to grieve the loss of your M.......because PLAN B is mostly about giving yourself a chance for PERSONAL recovery.....if WS 'reconsiders' working on M....it will have to be seen as an added bonus....don't 'expect' recovery of M with PLAN B.......

.....I personally was a bit naive...WS's A hit me so hard I was paralyzed to act...'temporarily'......try to ACT before getting 'paralyzed'.....and save yourself some pain..... preeeetty PLEASE!

....I 'officially' describe myself as a 'basketcase' when I was first hit by behaviour of a WS......about a year and half ago.... and I have 'witnesses'......

.....so...let me 'proof' that, inspite of that, a BS can 'thrive' once removed from a WS's destructive behaviour.....

...you will be OK......

...please find the courage to 'remove' yourself from the emotional abuse you are being subjected to.....unless your WS gives you a clear indication that he is willing to 'change' his behaviour...... and don't forget 'words are cheap'...... so don't settle for anything less than a 'concrete' plan of action...... like.....NC with OW for starters....

.....sorry for the lengthy post... one day I hope to get to the 'minimalist' and 'to the point' posts of the likes of Pep and Ark.... in the meantime....bear with me.....

.....like many here I want to 'give back'....and would like to spare you the need to 'reinvent the wheel'..... like MIMI says, I suspect there is a SCRIPT for WS's out there somewhere..... because they all do and say just about the same things!

.....and come here for support.....you are going to need it!

P.S. Seeing your 'registration date' I am assuming that you have been 'around' and are aware of WAT's "BS 101" and that you are aware of the basic 'readings' and steps.....if not....let us know.....and you will be direct to the threads of the basic readins required for a BS!