Here goes::: I've been divorced a little over 3 years. Ex married OW BEFORE divorce was final. He had lost his job due to relationship with OW. Made great money, but burned bridges with ex-employers. X and OW sacrificed a LOT to be together. X blames me for not being able to get a job since divorce. Says the 2 phone calls I made to one of his ex bosses and ex co [color:"blue"] [/color] -workers destroyed his reputation. In the 3 years since divorce, I've only received partial child support payments for 12 months. He owes me over $40,000. The attorney general is after him now, and in fact has suspended his license, and of course credit checks on X now reveal lack of child support payments....(thank you all for reading this....) He now says he's very recently been turned down for 3 jobs because of the background checks showing the license suspension, and possible the child support info. Says that 2 jobs in the works will probably have the same results. X blames me for all of this, and now I'm starting to feel guilty. THe 3 kids and I make it ok on my teacher's salary, though we do struggle some.
Should I go to the Attorney General and ask them to back off???????? Am I now cutting off my nose to spite my face? I don't want to be bitter and vindictive, but on the other hand, this is my kid's money he is witholding...
I don't know how to feel about this anymore, and it is getting me down.....
Any insight would be appreciative....
Everyone, thanks for listening.......

Why contact the Attorney General? Your Ex got himself in this mess, now let him get himself back out.

Frankly, I'd contact the authorities about a bigamy charge too. It isn't about revenge, it's about doing the right thing. He committed a crime.

I still find it amazing that Waywards still continue to shift blame.....

HE is to blame for all that is now happening to him. It's called reaping what you sow. Karma plain and simple.

He owes you money FOR HIS CHILDREN, and YOU feel bad?

Well stop it right now. He can't find a job b/c of his dishonorable actions, not b/c you blew the wistle on him.

Once he is able to step up and ACKNOWLEDGE and TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for what he's done, then maybe his life will start turning around.

Hugs to you!

And no, do not tell the Attorney General to back off.

Just my .02

Thank you, Laura....When my D came about 3 months after his remarriage, the judge just shrugged her shoulders over it, and said "it happens"...and that was about it....Crazy, huh?

Devastated wife, I am wanting to move on from all this. X thinks someone is deliberately out to get him. I do believe it's Karma coming back to him, but something in me wants to feel some kind of compassion for him. He WANTS to get a job now (which would benefit my kids), but he can't because the background check shows the license suspension. I know, I know, I deserve the 2 by 4.....
I just feel like he needs a job to get on with his life.....
Thanks for replying! I appreciate your input.
KK

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Says the 2 phone calls I made to one of his ex bosses and ex co -workers destroyed his reputation. In the 3 years since divorce, I've only received partial child support payments for 12 months.

I'm going out on a limb here to assume that the phonecalls to his employer was your way of "outing" his affair. This is an MB principle that I disagree with, especially if you have children. The problem with this approach is that your Husband's rep probably WAS damaged and although it's his FAULT, your kids are now suffering because your exH can't find work. So, yeah--great idea to expose the affair, but pretty stupid in hindsight...Sometimes you have to weigh MB advice and decide what WORKS for you....

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THe 3 kids and I make it ok on my teacher's salary, though we do struggle some.

Be thankful you have a job that allows you time with your children AND enough money to survive.

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Should I go to the Attorney General and ask them to back off???????? Am I now cutting off my nose to spite my face? I don't want to be bitter and vindictive, but on the other hand, this is my kid's money he is witholding...

Sounds like you're in Canada...

The Attorney General won't "back off" just because you said so. You'll have to go back to court in order to solve this. Your exH isn't withholding money. If the FRO is involved, they'll submit an order to garnish his wages for the amount he owes (50% of his NET income, if he's in arrears by $40,000 like you mentioned) so, as long as he's working, he'll be paying. The problem here is that he's NOT working and that's likely a direct result of YOUR actions when you were angry at him.

You may not want to hear this, but you created this situation. Although the FRO can make sure that you get your child support payments, it only works if your exH can still work. If you've made it impossible for him to support himself, how can you expect him to support his children?

I disagree SO wholeheartedly with the concept of taking a man's DRIVER's Licence if he doesn't pay his child support payments. This is classic government thinking---take away his method of GETTING to work and then expect him to work twice as hard to pay his debts .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Complete bureaucratic BS that all women feel PROTECTS them when their POS husbands cheat.

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When my D came about 3 months after his remarriage, the judge just shrugged her shoulders over it, and said "it happens"...and that was about it....Crazy, huh?

Why are you shocked??? This is the same government that took away his driver's licence and then expected him to find a job and support his children!!!

Next time your husband whines about his consequences, suggest the "fall on your sword" tactic in the job interview process...

It goes something like this:

Since when did having an affair ever damage someone's ability to get a job? The vast majority of WS's here are still employed. It is absolutely not kk2002's fault.

The reason that license suspension is used is that is serves as a pretty effective deterrent to not paying child support. Why can't the OW drive him to work? Unless his line of work requires driving on the job, why would it matter if he had had his license suspended? Felons can manage to get jobs. I think he is just making excuses.

Aeri,
I was afraid of a response like yours. THe 2 phone calls I made 4 years ago (on D-day 1) did not expose the affair, because the boss and co-worker already knew about it. I called to check out X's stories about several things, and as it turns out he was lying.
I live in TX.
Yes, I am extremely grateful that I can support my children.
The driver's license situation is baffling to me. I am going to AG's office today to see about what they can do about it.
I'm not sure that I "created this situation". He has been jobless for over 3 years, and the atty. general just took his driver's license away several days ago.
Thanks for your response.
KK

KaylaAndy...
Thanks for your reply. His anger and proud may not allow him to be upfront with his prospective employers that way, but I hope he can.

Nellie2,
Thank you for your words. I go back and forth on this. X feels that everyone is out to get him now. He moved an hour away from us when he remarried, and he thinks that all of his old friends are totally against him now. He made a brand new life for himself when he remarried, and doesn't even talk to old friends, so I don't know why he thinks that......
Thank you for saying it's not my fault....
I'm still unsure about some of that....

Kay -it is not your fault that his license got taken away it is his fault for not paying his child support - plain and simple.. I have a question - why hasn't he had a job for three years if he had his license then if that is the reason that he cannot get a job now... I don't think that going to the AG is gonna help - this is their procedure and this is what they do -- and obviously they do it because he is not facing up to his responsiblities... And Arie is completely wrong to blame you - you have three children that deserve to have support from their father - it is often left up to the remaining parent to pay for everything while the other parent goes off and does whatever they want.... You should not feel bad - I know I would probably be like you and feel a little bad - but toughen up and get over it........ This is in your fault - NO IFS ANDS OR BUTS about it........ he did this he is not paying plain and simple - therefore he has to deal with the consequences.... let the state handle it............

Aeri, I couldn't disagree w/ you more. I see what you are saying, but blaming kk b/c her lying, cheating, bigamist of an ex-h can't get a job is total bull. HE did this to himself. It was his dishonorable actions that ruined his rep, not her "outing" him. Employers are not stupid. Some turn a blind eye, others say, I want no part of someone who behaves dishonorably.

Like Nellie2 said, why can't OW drive him? What about riding a bus? If you want to work badly enough, support your children badly enough, you find a way. Period. It's called stepping up and being a man and taking responsibility for your actions but from the way I see it, all he wants to do is blame kk

Auto here. Let me say at the start that you are NOT to blame for your ex's problems. If his reputation and credit are ruined it is because of his actions not yours. So stop feeling sorry about anything you did. The affair and its consequences are 100% his responsiblity. End of discussion, as far as I am concerned.

Now, we get to the more practical matter at hand. As Dr. Phil says "Is that working for you?". From a purely practicial and enlightend self-interest point of view, would you and your children be better off today and in the future if your ex could get a job and pay his child support? If the answer is yes, then doing some things to help him may make more sense than extracting the last ounce of flesh from his sorry body. Before you do choose to help him ask yourself if he gets a job, will he make a good faith effort to pay child support. If yes, then you may want to help him, keeping in mind the the PRIMARY responsibility is still HIS. Don't let him shift it to you.

Also, if you do take steps to help him out and he is successful in getting a job, are you prepared to take him to court if he finds other dumb excuses not to pay the child support? Remember, you are doing this for you self interest and those of your children. He has got to pay to make it worthwhile for you to do.

That's the way I see it.

QUOTE: When my D came about 3 months after his remarriage, the judge just shrugged her shoulders over it

I'm stunned !!

...

It would look different if he came and said sorry for all the misery he caused in the first place. Did he? Your X created his own situation. As long as you are not actively contributing to make his situation worse than it is, don't feel guilty.

Hi Auto,
Thanks for your thoughts. I don't know exactly how to help X out. I did call the AG's office to see about him getting his license back. It is in their hands now, and I have no say in what happens to him. I would LOVE to see him land a decent job! It would be the best thing for all of us.
What he needs to do is call the AG, and make arrangements with them. I think he is afraid to call them, but from what I can tell, they are more than willing to work with any parent who calls in.
I am ready for him to take on some responsibility. I am tired of being on 24/7 worrying about kids and finances. It's very draining, and kills my dating life. I don't know many men who are willing to date someone with 3 teenagers (1 in college, 2 on the way), and no child support in sight.....This too shall pass, I know.

Mimi, Devastated Wife, and DMbx,
Thanks for posting and sharing your thoughts/insight. It is a tough situation to be in. I'm trying to move on, but these things keep cropping up.
I am tempted to block X's email, because every time I get one, I get all emotional and depressed for a few days until it blows over.
Please pray for me, as this is very stressful.
KK

aeri


I totally agree with this (from the other reasons, btw, but that'd be another thread...)
And that doesn't give me right to be so tough on people who chose to expose the affair.
Above all, I don't believe he lost his job because he had affair.
There must had been something else (unless he was a priest/pastor/etc, in which cases I believe it affects their positions, but in any other profession, I do not believe, at least I know noone who lost their job because they cheated on their spouses...

In short, no way he lost the job because kk exposed his affair.



kk
Nobody have mercy when you have no money and your children have so many needs, and bills are coming not stopping because you have no money... and you pay them, regardless, somehow...
The same reasoning for CS... The father, the same as the mother, have to finance raising their children.

To help him as much as you can to find a job it sounds as a very excellent idea.

Thank you, Belonging.
No, I did not "out" his affair. The 2 people I called already knew about it. I was calling to check X's stories about work/lack of work.....
He has burned a lot of bridges and is having difficulty making a name for himself again, and getting back on his feet.
Him getting a job is a win/win situation, and that is what I'm praying for.
Thanks for your imput!!!!!
KK

P.S.
I called the AG's office to check on the license issue. The officer said it has not been revoked yet, but will be in 2 to 3 weeks if X doesn't call to make some kind of payment arrangement.
I emailed this info to X. He then called the AG, and he said they are working something out, and he will likely not lose his license at all!!!
KK

Sorry to hear that it has come to this kk2002.

But please do not give in to his blame shifting, this is what your ex wanted her the ow in his life, for him to have this, he cheated lied to all that would listen to him, and as you said burned a lot of bridges to do this.

His remarraige before your divorce shows how far he has fallen, this is not your job to guide him out of the pits, don't forget he divorced YOU!!!

As for aeri this is not for you to point the blame to KK2002 for her husband downfall and lost of job (see the boss didn't care that he was cheating on the wife, but cared that he was being dishonest)... shaking my head at that one..

when you start to lie and cheat at the small things, those small things become ingrained in the fibers of your life....... he says that he can't get a job? funny how all these illegals in this country can find a job... last time I looked McDee's was hiring, if he wanted a job he could have found one, many times over..

Please do not feel guilty for your ex's actions and the outcome to what he brought into his life that has affected the kids..... 40.000 in back support is no joking matter

Thank you, Swan. Yes, X was a brilliant man (still is I guess) who unfortunately has made some poor choices. I hate that for him, and still find it hard from time to time to separate myself from that. I still find myself still feeling like his wife, and still want to believe everything he tells me. He told me his license was revoked, and that was the reason he wasn't getting jobs. As it turns out, it was NOT revoked, but will be soon if he doesn't do something.
I just don't know how he can't find SOME kind of a job. He told me even Wal-Mart and Waste Management turned him down. I wish I had enough money to hire and PI and find out if all of this is true.
I hope he can stop lying and turn his life around and get a job!!!!!
KK