Tonight was the second night that WH came for dinner since leaving almost a week ago. He isn't ready for NC, so he left with us feeling it was the best thing to do until he can.

He's made plans to spend a great deal of his vacation this next week with all of us, not just our three kids. I'm conflicted about this. Happy he wants time with all of us, but unsure how to act.

Simple question on complicated subject is....

How should I be when he comes to see and be with us? I'm trying to avoid LBs as much as possible, but it's very awkward.

Then when he left tonight, not only was I upset, but middle child, son of 6yrs, couldn't stop crying and wants daddy to come home to stay. This broke my heart and had to have made an impact on WH.

Are you in Plan A?

I am in Plan A. I found out about the A 4 weeks ago and found MB within two days. Started Plan A within a week to week and a half of d day.

He had left once before to decide on NC. Came home after 3 days with no change other than feels he can't give up relationship. Mostly and EA that has roots beginning over 20 yrs. ago and is mostly one sided.

Errr.. I dont think that if he's staying home one night, and out the next, that it is just an EA.

Nor does it sound particularly one-sided. No-one is stupid enough to throw away their marriage if they have the hots for someone but it is not returned. Similarly, no-one is stupid enough to throw away their marriage if someone is coming on to them, but that isnt "doing it" for their own pleasure.

I know it is really hard, but you must continue to plan a- draw him back to you by making you, your family, your home attractive to him.

meet his emotional needs

no love busters

The one sided-ness is on his side. He had a relationship with her MANY years ago and whenever we had trouble he would contact her to talk. It's only been this last time that she has shown any interest in being more than friends. I know it's hard to believe, but it has only gone as far as kissing.

He has never stayed with her, always with his sister, confirmed. He hasn't thrown away his M and family, yet. He's trying to find closure about his feelings and end it. That hesitation and delay is why he's no longer at home. I couldn't continue knowing he couldn't begin NC.

I realize and would think the same thing if reading someone else's thread on this, but he is struggling as stupid and completely inconceivable as it is. It's truly an addiction.

Thanks Reality! I have thought and known that, but it's very weird not knowing what to do and how to act. We're supposed to attend BIL's wedding at a park wehre we're to stay for the weekend. WH still wants us to all go as a family. I am considering it, but feel like separate sleeping arrangements are needed?

you do not want seperate sleeping quarters. Remind him what he is missing living away.

Go shopping for something to knock his socks off (and everything else, too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )

entice, entice, entice

you want thoughts of you running through his head - not the ow

(if this was for sure a pa, I would say no SF.)

what are his EN's?

"only" as far as kissing? psssh. i dont see anything "only" about that.

also: You dont "find" closure, for EAs. you decide to end it. "finding closure" is just an excuse for cake-eating.

The whole problem of EAs, is allowing feelings to grow. To end one, you dont "search your feelings". you decide to rein them in, and not pay attention to them any more. To put the "bad" ones aside, and stop feeding them.

"searching your feelings" is the exact opposite of that.


now there, finally, is a truth <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sounds somewhat easy enough but i worry about the hurt that will come with it, especially if there is little or no response.

SF - sexual fulfillment? Can't find what it stands for to be certain of meaning.

SF is sexual fulfillment. I suppose that is one of his emotional needs? What are his other ones?

How can you meet those this next week>

Hey Angie

My WW came round the other day raging about the love letter I'd found to OM.

She sat down and said "you want the truth? I ended up kissing him a couple of weeks ago."

Let's face it we're grown ups and kissing like we did in the playground doesn't cut it any more. Of course later on I found the truth that it was full blown sex and had been for some time.

If your H said he's just kissed her he's trying to cover up and in his bizarre mind thinks he's protecting you from hurt.

Part of Plan A is to find out as much as you can. Dig!

Before I found this site I postulated that wife was just having an emotional affair. I knew physical affair wasn't far away and it wasn't! Took a long time to find the truth.

If u don't feel comfortable being around a WS, then don't.

He should realize he can't come and go with his family. Look at what it is doing to your children. Only one may show it but all are feeling it.

If you let him have you all for vacation, what message is that sending to the children and others? Can make u appear desparate.

So it is how u feel. If you are strong enough to go to the wedding without him as a Ws, then tell him so.

His is a WS with or without his pants on. The PA is a symptom. The EA has longer range damage. Once he sees the OW nekked.....it's the same old and an A doesn't have the lasting zing as the M. Not my opinion, it's a fact. There's a lot more to an M than sex.

Expect that it's full blown EA/PA. Work on you and finish your plan A improvements. If he is still a WS at the time, move forward to plan B.

Expect the OW to push for more. They have to. The A is a selfish virus which overtakes their souls and replaces them with a mindless, heartless WS and OP.

R U in any type of MC support? Give a call to Steve H @ MB to get some phone counseling and a plan. Well worth the big bucks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience 4 U.

Learn to differeniate between the WS and your H.

My motto: Plan A your H but plan B the WS. You can do this better AFTER you finish your plan A.

take care,
L.

Thanks CEG and Orchid. All you say are very valid and things I've considered many times, especially the idea that the EA has gone into more of a PA than he's telling me. i also fear that it may go there still since she is moving in the next month to 6 weeks to take a new teaching job at a technical college about 90 miles away. I worry that the good-bye will lead to something else.

We spent the day together with the kids and had a very nice day. I was more comfortable around him concentrating on my Plan A goals and fulfilling his EN as much as I know what they are.

We were affectionate, kissing and hugging, nothing too heavy. I even asked if he was getting his kisses somewhere else. He said no, the closest thing I said to LBing. Tempted other times, but kept them at check. Wanted to make it a nice day to show him what he has here and reminded him a couple times in a loving and calm way that he is still wanted here when he can NC, that I hadn't changed my mind on that, yet.

I thnk I may go to wedding with him and stay with the whole family which will include his sister and his mother in the cabin. Still not certain about sleeping arrangements although I did comment to him while in an embrace that I may change my mind about that just to have a chance to be near him since he's not living at home. He said whatever I was comfortable with. Worried about what that will do to me though. Don't know if it's a good idea. Still feel at times like even though he's not home, this is still cake eater behavior.

Despite very nice day with frequent displays of affection, I still am very realistic of the idea that he very well may have left our nice day and went to her for a nice evening, whatever that entailed. Going to try to keep within Plan A, continue to expose to those close to us, although I feel bad that much of it may be at or around the wedding.

AS far as MC, I have an appt with GP on Wed. to begin necessary documentation for insurance to cover IC. I believe he's going to refer me to a MC who does both so that if we do go in the future together, we can then handle that part on our own. Insurance doesn't cover MC, but didn't think it would. Husband actually said that although he holds no stock in it, he will consider if I want him to go. Still feel it's necessary for me to go into IC, especially with me returning to my 1st grade teaching job in three weeks. Lots more will be put on my plate and I want a live body to talk to that can help with dealing and possibly AD if needed.

SO VERY MUCH appreciate all that take the time to give there input, even those that tell me things I thinking and don't want to hear. Still very hopeful for M, but at times feel it won't come to bear. I hope I'm not being caught in a fog myself where he's concerned. But I feel confident that I will know when enough is enough. Reached that when I asked him to go because he couldn't commit to NC.

Angie - in my opinion, if the WS moves out that's when YOU go to Plan B.

Otherwise, as Orchid said, you are just encouraging him to sit on the fence and eat cake. He will do this as long as you allow it, and by allowing you are showing him that you are able to tolerate it and it really doesn't bother you as much as he thought it would.

Do you really like knowing that he's coming straight from her bed to yours? Because that's what he's doing.

You and your family deserve better.
Mulan

Mulan - boy don't I know hat you're saying is true, but, no surprise, it's so very hard when I still want to have hope for the best. I've read up on Plan B and keep doing so. I've even written the letter. Just not sure if I'm ready to implement. I keep hoping....

Thanks for taking the time to post. The more I hear from others, the more I have to try and make better decisions. Looking forward to dr.'s appt with GP and hopefully get to start seeing someone on a regular basis.

When I spoke to WH tonight and said that it was a bad day, he could tell I was crying. He said I could always call him to talk if I didn't have anyone to talk to. Just reading into it or what? But, if I don't have anyone to talk to? Translation? I don't want to hear it, but ok? Too painful to know he's hurting me or what?

Feeling very down and hopeless tonight and pessamistic about everything. I need help... If it weren't for my kids needing me and my being forced to step up for them when they need me, I think I'd probably never get out of bed or stop crying. I hate this SO MUCH!