Ok for those of you that have followed my situation on (emotional needs) I just went home for lunch and D7 said “daddy Frank spent the night last night”
Long story short, called W she says “he’s just a friend” “nothing more”
W also said “its none of your business anyway”
I said its my business because were married and what you are doing is adultery.
Kids said he’s spent the night over there before, S12 “he sleeps in the living room on a fold out”
On the way back to work I stopped by her house and he was just leaving, confronted him, told him who I was, told him I was doing everything in my power to save my marriage and him being there (with my kids) is impeding my process,
He said “hey were just friends” I sleep in the living room.
Me “don’t you have your own place?
Frank “yeah I got my own place”
I said if you want to stay here it’s not going to be when my kids aren’t here”
He said that’s fine.

He went back inside (I assume to call W) and I am back at work.
I haven’t heard from W yet.

What do I do
Need advice quick before she calls.
Do I go to a lawyer?
Legal separation.
She said we would talk about this tonight.
What do I do?
Do I call her mom?
He looked kind of like a bum, First thought is not her type but what do I know right?

I didn’t get mad or mean on the phone with her and I talked very rational about it all but I’m pissed…

Help Me
JS

S12 said
"he spent the night there before, I think he was drunk or something and he his van was messed up, he thought someone was going to think he stole it"
What ever that meant
I didn't ask kids any more questions




Just sent her an e-mail

Sorry, but you know how this looks, right? some ****** drunk bumn living with you.
WITH MY KIDS IN THE HOUSE!!!!!

Not good

Oh yeah he's a friend all right...........you know I........... uuughgh............. forget it.
I dont know what to say.

Help

I think you are correct in assuming an affair and in confronting them with your boundaries regarding him being there and her behavior. I also think you are doing the right thing in keeping your cool.

Lawyers are helpful, but they make a living off of dispute, so tread lightly there if your goal is reconciliation. This is based on my personal experience, others may feel differently about it. I would focus right now on reading up on Plan A and Plan B, and devising your own plan for tackling this problem, and stick with it!

Good luck to you, this sux rox, but you can get through it with careful plaaning and execution of the plan.

Should JLost post on Just Found Out? Where are the JFO old timers? Things get slow over the weekend. If we don't get Jlost some help this afternoon, he is going to be adrift for a few days.

Not that I would ever suggest this, but....." Daddy, mommy's friend touched me down there".

Hold, JS....This is the best place for you....more traffic, more vets and more weekend posts than either JFO or the EN board.

JS....it's time for you to start reading up about Plan A and Plan B. You've done some confrontation.....what do you know about exposure....because that's your next logical step...not an attorney.

Hang tight my friend!

Pariah,

Just the thought of a false allegation is revolting.

This is a letter I want to send to her mom.
Should I?



Just found out today about Frank.
Went home for lunch and the kids told me, said "he spent the night last night"

I told her time and time again to be honest with me, don't let me find things out later.
Yeah, she used the same line every adulterous spouse says. (were just friends) (we haven't done anything) (I can do what I want to now) etc.etc.etc.

Not while she married.....Uh...adultery. Doesn't look good during child custody hearings.
(not a threat...just a thought) I would never do that to my beautiful wife anyway.

I stopped by her house on the way back from lunch today and met him.
I don't really think I want him there with my kids (if you know what I mean).
He said he liked her, I asked why he was sleeping here, "dont you have your own place?" "yeah I just like hanging out here and "helping out"

I'm sure she'll tell you he's "just a Friend", "he sleeps in the other room"
I tell you it may not be an physical affair but it is definitely an emotional affair.
All cheating spouses use this same line.
See it here
www.marriagebuilders.com

You know nothing surprises me now, I mean she has him spend the night with my kids in the house.
Uhhhh, how long has she known this guy?
And he's sleeping in the same house with my kids.....With D7 there.
I hope she knows him real well to let him do that.
I sure don't want to here those dreaded words from D7,
"daddy mommy's friend touched me down there".
Just a thought.

What was she thinking? that by saying he is just a friend it's going to be alright?

S12 said he's spent the night there before. "He came over one night drunk and his van was messed up and he thought the cops would think he stole it so he hid out here."
I didn't even ask any questions about that one, I just came back to work.

Why would she subject the kids to this? doesn't she think there confused enough?

I'm not crazy MIL, I know you think I'm probably over reacting but in her emotional state (and you may think she's fine) she's making bad choices.
That's why I suggested she see a therapist (not for marriage) just to help her get her feelings out instead of turning to another man.

You can believe what you want but remember she's very very confused right now and obviously not thinking to clear.

Not sure what to do.

I love her and I will fight to save my marriage forever

I'm OK and I won't do anything stupid, I want her to like me, love me, not hate me.
Still working on "it"

Love JSlost

JS,

I know the panic, fear and pain you're feeling....and I know you from the EN board. Please trust me when I tell you that you have to calm down and ACT....not react. Be smart. Be calm. Be logical. That means you have to remember who you are and that you're valuable and strong.

I do think exposure to her mother is the right course of action....but not the way you're proposing. You really need to understand what the purpose and presentation needs to be....and get the most out of it.

If you have to get a temporary custody order because you're worried about her "friend" (who is a drunk and apparently homeless)....then DO IT! Right away.

Collect your thoughts....read up on Plan A....especially the parts about Plan A and B.

Don't run off and do whatever comes to mind.....follow the process and talk it out here.

Stay frosty.

Should I sent it?
Do I talk to W tonight when she comes over to see the kids?

NO...JS....you should NOT send it. You need to gather your thoughts and present them (exposure) in a more comprehensive and understandable way. Your exposure needs to be "planned". And unless you can face your wife without a huge emotional scene....then you aren't ready to talk to her either. Give me a litle bit of time to go and finish reading your thread on EN....I remember some....but hadn't seen some of the last "bits".

Slow down (with the exception of the custody issue)....it's better to nothing (relationship wise) for a very short time, and respond in the right way, than to react wildly.

Thank You Star,
Called her just now and said she should leave work...she laughed and said "you are reading way to much into this and I said "how would you feel"

I told her that the kids would no longer be coming to her house if he's there...she said don't worry he's not there.

I'm lost.........
Js-----ready plan a and plan b

Classic response. She is, and will continue to downplay her actions, and at the same time overplay your reactions.

Do not let her downplay anything. You can be certain she would read just as much, if not more into this if she was in your shoes.

JS....the other thing I'd like you to do please is to put together a brief history....timeline....about your marriage so the good folks here know where you are and how you got here. Hit the high points.....and if you want I'll link your thread of EN over here too if you don't how to.

JS....you know you tend to "panic" and react under stress and your wife complains that you're "controlling" so I think it's doubly important that you have "controlled" response to what's happening.

Your wife has had one foot out the door for a while now....and this is the next step she's chosen to take....I'm so sorry and I know how you feel...but it's essential that you take this one calm step at a time because she's been looking for an excuse to claim that this is about "you"....and by golly....I don't want you to give it to her.

The email from her mother (on your other thread) points to someone who is willing to enable her bad behavior because she wants her to be "happy". She also seems willing to place the blame on you.....despite the fact that she seems fond of you. Those are some issues I'd like to see you address in her exposure letter.

hang in there.

I don't know how to write that letter to MIL

I'll wait till I can read some more on this.

Any idea of how I should act tonight when I talk to her?

Let her talk and be quiet?
I really want to do this right.

JS,

For the folks that don't know here on GQ....you and your wife married very young. She has felt controlled by you for a very long time. She tried and tried to reach you and discuss with you how she felt but until around April....when you realized just how unhappy she was....you weren't willing to change. She started going out to bars, eventually got her own apartment and has basically been immune to the changes you've worked so hard to do (sometimes well...other times not so well). Her family seems to care about you....but also seem very sympathetic to her complaints and her desire to "branch out".

Please fill in more details....but those are the ones I remember.

As far as tonight goes....please discuss the OMs contact with your children....that's the first and foremost thing to tackle. Try not to break down, threaten or panic. Be assertive but because her historical complaint is "control" be careful not to be intimidating. It's your responsibility as a father to protect your children....and that is the place you need to work from. Considering offering to have them with you....while you simultaneously look consult with an attorney to do that very thing. She is, like some folks on EN mentioned...."feeling her oaties" and the children shouldn't witness that.

Try composing another letter to your mother in law....keeping in mind that she is basically "siding" with your wife....because from what I can see...she is. So if she can "understand" why your wife might be acting out....try to piece together how you can help her understand that ensuring her daughter's happiness....is not the same thing as enabling her to do things that will ultimately harm her and the kids. She will be a powerful ally if you can win her over and help her see that by encouraging her daughter to act ethically....she's not destroying her happiness.

Don't give up chere.

I have no clue on what to write to her mother.
Any ideas?

I'll be patient.
I'll try
JS

Shoukd i talk to my kids and what do I say?