Wait until tomorrow to write the letter AFTER you've read about Plan A and exposure. Be honest with your children in an age appropriate way. Your youngest is only 5....so you've got to be sensitive and caring....but don't lie. Something along the lines of "I'm not happy about Frank staying at the apt while you guys are there, and mommy and I are going to be discussing that so I'm going to take you all over to stay with XXX while we do that. We both love you, and I don't want you to worry about ANYTHING."

also

I think it's fine to say to the kids ...

"ANYTIME Frank is here and you don't want him to be, call Daddy. I will come over and get you."

JS....I have to leave....so I'm hoping others will chime in here. Please do the following:

*fill in more details about your story/marriage in a condensed form the folks here can understand.

*read about Plan A and exposure.

*take a deep breath and don't panic.

*you have my email from the EN thread....if you need it this weekend....you're still free to use it. I have company coming...but I promise to check in and make some time.

*You feel as though you have to everything at once right now....you don't! Be patient and be smart. Read and be methodical.

*Don't forget your situation is not hopeless....but resist the temptation to control HER....and control YOU.

hugs!

Read other's stories on here. Search for exposure questions...lots of good advice, not all will work for your particular situation.

Some like to go the "scorched earth" way. expose to EVERYONE. Another suggestion is to expose in ever out reaching circles...immediate family first, then closest friends, then work, then casual friends and parents of kid's friends, etc...

So, my suggestion would be to read, read, read...

Are you ready to go to war now?

I'm still here JS, still praying for you.

Only have a few minutes here but i wanted to say that i just read plan a and plan b.
Still a little confused.
W was never gone much before she moved out and she wanted to move out since March.
I had e-mail account and phone records and there was no Red Flags there.
She was always at home with the kids and I so I think Her A may have just started. But who knows...I told her tonight that she could not have frank spend the night when the kids were there and she said I was controlling her and I explained that I was looking out for the best interest of the kids.
I said I have read up on seperation and divorce when kids are invovled and that its best (for right now) if the kids didn't wake up with another person there.
Someone new to them (its just to soon).

But my question comes from plan a and plan b
She left beforer the A started (if it really is an affair) ok, I (like other jilted spouses) don't think she is in a full blown affair yet.
I know she left me so she's capable of anything but even those close to her think she is just (letting her gaurd down here) with this frank guy.

She didn't say yes and she didn't say no but I think she is testing me (so to speak) to see what my reaction would be.
(I never would have handled this good in the past)

She had him over twice and both times the kids were there and she knows all to well that the kids will talk so its not like she's hiding anything from me.

I figure she had the kids there with so if I did go balistic she could say something like "why would I have an A when the kids are around?"

She hasn't really showed no other red flags.

Me personnaly....I figured all along that she must have someone else because of all I've read on this web-site.
It's just to common.
So I have looked everywhere for the signs but have found none untill now.

I've been here reading all these threads for a few months now and have read about every kind of A and fog talk, but i have'nt seen anything in common with my situation yet.

Hey the guys there now so ea or pa whats the differance and she may have no intention in the world of taking it any farther but why is he hanging around now?
Hey she's married and living alone so take what you can get and don't worry about any commitment.

What do I do?
I want to scream.....

I want to do plan b but i think by monday (when I calm down I'll probably rethink that and go with plan a.

Were seperated so how do I do a plan A?

I talked to her on the phone tonight and told her about (not having guests over night)
She was so mad at me.
Controlling she said

I said thats not my intention just the safety of my kids and I reminded her that when I jumped to conclusions about Frank or what she is doing its because she doesn't talk to me.
I said weve talked about three times since October and I had to ask questions to find out whats going on.

I keep asking please talk to me so I know where we are at and she says shew will but I've been waiting since October I said I can't wait onother 6 or 7 monthes to know what she wants.

I said I would never do anything to hurt the kids or either of our relationships with the kids I said they need you in ther life and they always will but you always get so mad at me when we try to discuss anything and nothing gets resolved.
She said i dont trust you (in regaurds to the custody) and I said you know i wouldn't do anything like that, I dont care who your with.
If i pit the kids against you they will grow up to hate me.


Finally i said what do you want?
Divorce?
she said yes I want a divorce.
I said I don't want a divorce I love you and I want our family back and she will have to file.
I said when are you going to the lawyer?
She said when I can afford it.
Which means another year or two.
I said that could take forever

she asked if the kids were right ther by me and I said they are right outside You want to talk to them.
she said no i guess not.

I said ok have a good night then and I'll talk to you tomorrow sometime.

Go to go
JS

Thanks everyone for responding...yeah even you too noodle.lol

I don’t know what to do, I’m not sure if I can do this.
A friend of mine told me that he’s known frank and that he is a drug dealer and that he was a friend of W’s sister. W had told me that she went to school with franks sister and that’s why they became friends.
I didn’t tell her yet that I knew he was a dealer (I want to make sure) also I don’t want to talk to her any more regarding Frank. She will just think I’m trying to control her.
My friend also told me that he saw frank last week with his girlfriend at the beach. (not my W)
I asked her last night if she would agree with me to not have frank stay there when the kids are there until they get a little more used to being at her house.
I just said If you want him to move in that’s your business but I think it would be best for the kids if you waited for a little while.

She said I can agree to some things that you say. (whatever that means.) Based on what she has done in the past, I’m starting to think that there’s nothing going on there and she is trying to make me crazy or just showing me that she can do whatever she wants to, weather I like it or not.

If I talk to her mom she will just think I’m crazy or jealous or something and then she will call W and W will tell her its no big deal and he is just a friend and that I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I need a lot more proof before I do anything.

I’m not sure what to do now. I have to see W tonight at S12’s football practice. How should I act?
Do I make small talk or just distance myself from her?

Any ideas on where I go from here?
I’m hurting so bad right now, It just sucks.
JS

Just copied the above post on EN board.

I feel like my situation is known better over there.
Please post to me on emotional needs.
Thank You

JS

JS,

Sorry to hear about your latest developments. Sorry to hear your hurting so bad.

I can honestly say I have no clue what is going on with your W. Why she'd let a drug dealer (former or present) stay in her home with her young children present is extremely confusing to say the least. It sounds incredibly irresponsible and downright wrong.

I believe it to be highly unlikely he's staying there because she's trying to punish you. I think she's just behaving like an immature teenager (seeing that's what she feels she missed out on). Or she's cheating on you with him.

Either way stick to your guns about not allowing him to be there while your children are present. I'd recommend you have your S12 let you know when OM is around while they (the children) are staying there. But please get the advice of others here before you follow up on that. I'm not sure if getting a young child involved in the middle of this is a good idea.

Maybe you need to check up on her more for the safety of the kids, of course. That won't help her change her mind about you being controlling but I think I'd rather take that chance and probably end up D'ing an irresponsible spouse then learn later than some scumbag violated one of my kids.

JS I hope you are in good hands here.

I'm going to be scarce for a while. I'll try to keep up with your sich but I don't think I'll be readily available if you need advice ASAP.

Take care.
Good luck.
And as Star recommends take a deep breath and another and another ....

JS,

I know you're in a tough spot because of your history of being "controlling" and now you're afraid that if you step in and remove your children from this situation that you'll appear MORE controlling and anger your wife. But that's a small price to pay for their safety. If this guy is really a dealer....your children have no business being anywhere near him. See an attorney and get some legal advice regarding custody of your children. Your wife wants freedom to be a teenager again....and teenagers are not usually the best parents.

JS, just an observation... she said that she wanted out because she's never been on her own before, and she was alone how long, a week? before she allows some guy to move in?

I agree with star, your kids' safety comes first. A friend's son was arrested for being his friends' home during a drug raid, because there were drugs found in the home. Is this true where you live as well, that the police may arrest your W as an accessory? This is not something that you'd ever want your kids to see.

Also, your wife doesn't sound like she's in a state of mind to protect your kids from a predator. What kind of a man would move in with a woman and her kids when they just left their dad's home a week ago?

If it were me, I'd get the kids out first and ask questions later.

He hasn't moved in, I talked with my freind today that knows om and he said they were just friends and that he isn't a "bad guy" but that he has been known to sell drugs in the past.
Friend said that from what he can tell (by talking last night with om's ex gf that they are just friends and that he had no intention of moving in with W.

Om has a girl friend and she has been over to W's also.
I dont know what to think anymore....He hasn't been there for the last three days.
The more days go by the more I learn and the more confused I get.
I find it impossible to believe that wife would put our kids in harms way.
I'm so tired of (not knowing) and jumping to conclusions that I may just have to sit back and watch this all unfold somemore before I make any irrational decisions.

I'll just keep a close eye on her actions and behavier and be vary carefull when I here things so I dont jump to conclusions.
JS

JS....Good chere....you sound calmer and more in control of your own emotions. Keep your eyes and ears open....sometimes it's hard to find a balance between trusting your instincts and jumping to conclusions. If frank is really just a friend....then hopefully your wife will not have any trouble asking him not to stay there while you folks are still sorting things out. It doesn't look kosher and it's confusing for the kids at the very least.

I'm still not very calm but the better news does help.I don't think he will be staying there anymore but I will keep a carefull eye on all of this.
When i asked her if we could agree on that she said "I can agree with you on somethings.... she didn't say yes and she didn't say no, that way if i bring it up again she can say I didn't say yes or no.
Why is she playing with me like this?
I think she is still mad because she moved out and I just won't let go.
In her mind I'm still interfearing with "her life"
JS

Any advice?
Last night I had the kids at football practice and she was home detailing her van to try to sell it at auto auction today.
I called and talked to her for a while last night, I told her S12 wanted to stay the night and she said just have him come over Wednesday night with the other kids.
He looked disappointed.
She came over this morning to sit and wait for the babysitter to get there and we talked a little (small talk) I left for work and went by her place and Franks truck was there.
So now I know.

I called her after I got to work and told her that it was so hard to see her. She said "what brought this on?" I said "Its just so hard to see you because you looked so beautifull and I miss you so much".
I told her I would not give up because I trully believe we could be happy.
She said I don't feel that way.
I said do you know how hard this is on me?
Yeah I know.
I said its like someone took my feet out from under me knowing you have someone else in your life already.
She just said, I know.
I said I know our marriage is over and I don't want it back, I want a new relationship with you. I want to start all over.
" I remember why we fell in love and I think we could do it again.
I said I know you have frank now and that didn't matter to me because I still love you.
I asked "are you in love with him? she said I don't know yet, Its to soon, I'm just having a good time right now.

Is it just over for me or what?
What can I do now?
Help!

Any advice?

Do I start a plan B?
Need help with letter.
Advice please